Brutally Honest Babes

Bitch Slap of Common Sense: Don't Look Stupid

2009-04-01T00:16:00.003-04:00

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

It was over 70 degrees today in Los Angeles. 80 on the valley.

Take. Off. Your. Scarf.

Take. Off. Your. Scarf!!

You're wearing a scarf. Wrapped fifteen times, so that it looks like a lavender goiter protruding from what used to be your neck, but what I now assume is some sort of scarred/ Frankenstein bolt appendage since you choose to put eight pounds of fabric around it.

You're one step away from looking like a Dickensian ragamuffin who will ask me for porridge.

Whatever cute shape you might have is ruined because you look like you killed a muppet and attached it to yourself as some sort of gruesome prize.

You look stupid. Literally. You look like you have little to none of the sense God gave you. It's hot! It's not scarf weather! If you can wear it with short shorts and a tee shirt, TAKE IT OFF!

I don't care if Jennifer Aniston does it, young lady! She looks stupid too!

Now that we have that settled....

Can we discuss the Uggs?

I mean, It was over 70 degrees today in Los Angeles. 80 on the valley...

2009-03-05T23:22:00.005-05:00

POOP Not GOOP: Freaky Gwynnie!

2009-03-02T20:52:00.002-05:00

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,

We got your latest GOOP missive about how your daddy flew the two of you to Paris, that one time, for togetherness, or something. And then you told us all about how great Paris is and that we should all go and stay in your nice hotels.

The only problem is this thing. The recession. You see, the Poors are hunkering down and trying to avoid the shit being flung by monkeys on street corners, at them, the monkeys having been sent by the investment banks to destroy us all. With monkey shit. So we can’t go to Paris this week, oh noes!

But we BHBs have a jolly, super fun proposal for you! See, we think you really want to prove that you’re Just Like Us ™ (i.e. The Poors) and that you’re not a completely out-of-touch Richie from McRichieLand. So we want to have an uproarious Freaky Friday Experience with you, in which we switch lives, for a week, and we jet to Paris, to sample the snails therein, and you come to our houses and try to figure out what the hell that smell is. And pay the rent.

So, awesome, right??!!1!

Here’s how it will work.

Happy Great Freaky Friday Experience:

1. Send us your black American Express card number. We totes won’t give it out.

2. You will fly to us. Bring Formula 409 (that is a cleaning product - your maid might have some) and Hobo Beans, to eat.

3. We will do whatever it is you were going to do that week. We act, so no one will notice when we, both, take over your movie role or whatever. Or, we are also available to:
3a) Go to your movie premiere with Joaquin Phoenix. If he shaves. We don’t care if he’s batshit, we just don’t like the beard.
3b) Eat a lot for to make restaurant recommendations.
3c) Consult a Guru so we can write a GOOP about being one with an inner aspect. PS it would be great if that inner aspect were Pot.
3d) Go shopping for items so expensive they will pay our rent forever once we sell them on eBay.
3e) Be introduced to James McAvoy and Matthew McConaughey, because you know them, right?
3f) Flip our awesome blonde hair.

4. You will have a great time at our place(s). Our husbands are available for grilling but not sex, ok?
4a) Don’t worry, we have no sexual interest in your husband.

And that’s the program! Is that great or what? You nourish your inner aspect all over the fucking place and we get lots of pedicures and a break from Life.

Call us!

Stuff Babes Like: LOLLost

2009-01-28T22:34:00.002-05:00

So, we dislike many things. Ann Coulter. Stupidity. Panties that ride up.

But we like many things as well. We like LOLLost. It's like I Can Haz Cheezburger, except with Lost.

And we like Lost. Well, Lucy likes Lost. Lucy thinks it's a super de duper show, and not just because the hott men have a tendency to remove their shirts, but that helps.

So check out LOLLost. It's awesome, or we aren't Lucy and Ethel.

OK, we're not Lucy and Ethel in the real lifes, but follow the link anyhow.

Bitch Slap of Common Sense: You are a Weirdo

2009-01-16T00:22:00.001-05:00

Lucy: So this girl I knew in high school found me on Facebook. I told her I was writing a romance novel, and made a joke about heaving bosoms. She read it as me talking about how much I like having bosoms. Isn’t that funny?

Lucy’s Hubby: Yeah.

Lucy: I told her I did like having bosoms though.

Lucy’s Hubby: So you haven’t talked to this girl in 10 years?

Lucy: Nope.

Lucy’s Hubby: And your first conversation you mention heaving bosoms.

Lucy: Yes.

Lucy’s Hubby: This, honey, is why people think you are weird.

Lucy: Oh. Really?

Lucy’s Hubby: Yes.

Lucy: So that’s why.

Lucy’s Hubby: Yes.

Lucy: Well, okay. Do you think I’m weird?

Lucy’s Hubby: Yes.

Lucy: Do you mind?

Lucy’s Hubby: No

Lucy: Well that’s good. I do like heaving and having bosoms.

Lucy’s Hubby: I like you having bosoms, too.

POOP not GOOP: The True Spirit of the Holidaze

2008-12-19T23:05:00.003-05:00

Gwyneth constantly reminds us how much fun she is.

Her GOOP guide to Christmas gifts runs from the sublime (Hermes Womens Cape Cod Watch - $1,850) to the completely stupid (Recycled Bamboo Utensil Set - From $24.74). She does at least call the watch a “dream” present (for us, the Poors)… and who wouldn’t want a bamboo fork for Christmas? Think of all the times you’re sitting, eating, and think, “Geez, if only my utensil were recycled bamboo! My tofu porridge would taste so much better!” If you’re going to get me something stupid and utilitarian, at least get me batteries for my vibrator.

Gwynnie also recommends giving the book Debretts Guide to Modern Manners, 11.99 GBP, with the comment “We can all brush up on our manners.” Nothing says I love you, or I respect you, like the gift of good manners. Apparently. Except we’re pretty sure if we got this, we’d think the gift was saying, “Hey schlubby asshole. You’re a pig. Learn some fucking manners for once and stop vomiting on my lawn when you’re drunk!” Hmmm. Maybe we could use this book. Sorry grandma.

We’re the type of people who don’t want practical gifts. Give us a pretty, shiny, wanty gift! Electronics, jewelry, rent money - you know, the dispensable things in life.

Our girl Gwen also helpfully tells us what the Holiday Spirit is.

Holiday spirit is a feeling of warmth, of togetherness, of connectedness. We get that by giving. … We get it by not getting riled up and potentially verbally abusive when someone steals the parking place we have been demonstrably waiting for (note to self -- it still counts, if you're alone in your car, cursing with the windows up).

She is a WAY better person than we are. We think the Holiday Spirit is not getting out of the car and beating the shit out of the parking spot stealer with the whiffle ball bat you got your kid. Cursing in the car does NOT count. So say we. Jeebus, Gwyneth, you must be on a pretty good dose of the Prozac to never get mad about anything. Usually we’re too drunk* when we’re driving to really get mad, but we’re just sayin’.

By the way, we should all pity little, stupidly named Apple and Moses, because Gwyneth offers exactly no gift ideas for children. I hope they enjoy playing with the $40 Magnetic Wooden Tongs she recommends. Something tells us they won’t enjoy the emergency room trip needed to fish those things out of someone’s nose. And plus - what the fuck are magnetic wooden tongs?

The Brutally Honest Babes' POOP Guide says the Holiday Spirit is:

Stealing the Christmas cookies left for Santa

Doing the best you can

Trying not to fight with your family (and if you do – drinking makes it better)

Not giving self-help books

Giving gifts out of love

Counting your blessings

Bribing your children with vague threats about Santa’s Naughty ‘n’ Nice list

Dressing up like a slutty elf for your significant other

Stealing the best gifts at the Grinch gift exchange without guilt

Dropping what you can into the bin of the bell ringer

Doing a kind deed

Loving yourself

Praying for a better world in 2009

* This is what we call humor. Don't drink and drive, kids!

Please Don't Chop Me Up and Put Me in Your Trunk, John Denver!

2008-12-19T22:53:00.002-05:00

I have a new job. I like it. It's good. Except for one thing. My stalker. He looks like John Denver. Only alive. I wear a name tag. I don't know his name. He doesn't wear a name tag. Everybody at work calls him "John Denver." Only alive. He called me by my name when we had not even yet met face to face. I had only walked behind his chair. And yet he knew my name. He had been watching me. When first I looked into his eyes, I got the "heebie jeebies." "The creeps." The "please don't chop me up and put me in your trunk"s. Even though I am new at my job and not yet overly skilled, he always comes to me with his questions. Even though I can't answer them. He asked me on a date. I evaded the question. See? Another question I did not answer. Maybe he's harmless. Maybe. Maybe I overreact. Maybe. Maybe not. Ladies, we get gut reactions for a reason. I intend to trust mine. And I intend to keep my guts. I like them. Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy. As long as my shoulders are still attached to my living, breathing body. Oh, and as long as no part of me is bound with duct tape. Except for my little boobs. Duct tape is good for making cleavage, after all.

Unsolicited Advice: Ugh, For the Love of Your Deity of Choice, Put That Away!

2008-12-17T20:34:00.003-05:00

So there I was, on the treadmill, walking my way upwards to nowhere, trying to not smell the guy who just got on the treadmill beside me. Really, this post could be about showering the month before you go to the gym – yes I’m talking to you Mr. I’m Not Even Sure HOW THE FUCK You Get to Smelling That Bad and Then Decide to Go to the Gym Man. But this post is about something else, something insidious and disturbing.

It’s about this:

1970s. Gym. Shorts.

Did you shudder? I know I did.

I innocently turned my delicate nose away from Mr. INESHTFYGTSTBATDTGTTGM and what to my eyes should appear? A cheeky middle aged man, probably a douchebag studio executive in this part of LA, wearing the above and smiling heartily at me as if to say, “Yeah little girl – you like these hairy legs, don’t you?”

No. No no no.

I reeled. I got a bit dizzy. My look of horror was palpable and horrible. Still in shock, I beheld another pair!!! ANOTHER PAIR! I’m not making this up. I write comedy, not horror.

The second pair was attached to another douche. FYI, the wearing of said shorts renders you automatically douchey. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, go directly to douche. This second male person was younger, and in pretty good shape, and looking very proud of himself - just like old dude.

Now, many horrible things have come out of Los Angeles... leggings, Grey’s Anatomy, Dov Charney. TERRIBLE THINGS. But the 1970s gym shorts as modern male apparel might just take the cake. Actually, I think I can blame the shorts on Douche Charney, as they sell them at American Apparel.

Ladies, and gents of the homo persuasion, may we please all agree to take on this problem of monumental proportions Lysistrata style? If ANY MAN ever wears these shorts, ironically or not, they get NO SEXING. For reals. I MEAN IT! NO SEXING FOR THE DISASTROUS GYM SHORTS! This cannot be allowed to catch on! Think of the children! Won’t someone please think of the children!?

Thank you.

Lucy

POOP not GOOP: Gobble Gobble Edition

2008-11-23T22:30:00.004-05:00

This week Gwyneth’s GOOP e-mail elaborated upon her... um... Martha Stewart’s favorite turkey recipe. Says Gwynnie:

This recipe is a smaller scale version
of Martha Stewart’s accurately named
Perfect Roast Turkey.

It’s not afraid of butter.

We’re pretty glad she’s promoting Martha’s turkey recipe, as we cannot imagine Gwyneth’s would taste very good. Gwyneth probably is afraid of butter. Of course, we cannot know this for sure, but our guess is that a horrible butter stick monster once made her gain a pound during puberty, and since then she breaks out in a cold sweat when confronted with any sort of fattening dairy.

We here at POOP have an even better turkey recipe than Martha Stewart. And, for the first time, we, Ethel and Lucy, will share it with you. Many people are scared of Thanksgiving dinner. Perhaps you don’t like cooking. Or perhaps you and the relatives you have coming over voted for different folks in the November 4 election and there’s some bad blood. Our turkey recipe will make Thanksgiving enjoyable for all – guaranteed.

Are you ready?

VICODIN TURKEY

Serves: Its purpose

Prep Time: Somewhere between 30 mins and 6 hours

Get up.

Take one Vicodin.

Get coffee.

Watch beginning of Macy's parade.

Wow, the parade is so neat! Don't you love Snoopy? I do. I could’ve been a Rockette if only I were 9 inches taller.

Wander into kitchen.

Take big bird thingie out of giant cold box and do... something.

Turn on oven.

Open bottle of wine.

Sing a Lionel Ritchie song to the potatoes. Repeat.

Open bottle of Vicodin and smashie smashie several pills. Doesn’t matter how many.

Dump oil over birdie and sprinkle pills on top.

Drink glass of wine. Repeat.

At this point, you may forget why you’re in the kitchen. The green beans will tell you everything you need to know.

Boil potatoes. In water.

Ask mother-in-law for help.

Leave kitchen because mother-in-law tells you to.

Giggle at Uncle Chester’s impression of Aunt Farty.

Watch Ben Hur. Take drink of egg nog (alcoholic kind) every time Charlton Heston over-emotes.

Wait for dinner. Avoid glares from mother-in-law.

Eat turkey.

Feel even better.

Entire family happy.

Remember to turn off oven so house does not burn down.

Stay safe kids! And have a very, very Happy Thanksgiving!

POOP not GOOP: We're So Amazing We POOP Art!

2008-11-06T20:41:00.007-05:00

This week Gwyneth’s GOOP newsletter was very illuminating. She told us about something we had never heard of before – Art.

You see, apparently, “Art” is pretty pictures or nice paperweights that people assemble into one place, called a “Museum”. The many beautiful pictures she sent us were neato.

If you live in New York, London, Madrid, Los Angeles, Chicago or New Orleans, you can see some of this “Art” in the real lifes! If you don’t, well then screw you. You others can go visit the Crate & Barrel second tier shop for poors that she links to to see some water glasses.

Obviously, since we are hacks who write on the “internet”, we know nothing about this elitist, museumey “Art”. But we think Art should be for all the peoples, even those who live in Des Moines or Orlando, or some other horrible backwater. In this spirit, we introduce POOP ART, made by us, and accessible to all!

For POOP ART we thought… what inspires us? Ethel and I agree on this point. Hot men inspire us. Cute fuzzy animals inspire us. So, without further ado, we present.

POOP #1: Matthew McConaughey, With Lemurs. Digital, 2008.

POOP #2: Giant Panda, With Small Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. Digital, 2008.

POOP #3: James McAvoy, With Kittens aka LOL JAMEZ. Digital, 2008.

and finally, the piece de resistance:

POOP #4: Daniel Craig, With Baby Elephants. Unicorns & Moonbeams, 2008.

Ethel and I hope you can enjoy the “Art” we have created to share with you. It’s not as “fancy” as that museum stuff, but it’s got a good beat you can dance to. Who knows? Maybe Gwynnie will be a fan some day!

Love,

Lucy

Unsolicited Advice: Ho ho ho Go Blow

2008-11-03T22:20:00.004-05:00

Dear Retailers,

It ain't Christmas yet. It ain't even close. We Babes are dismayed, yay, disheartened by the fact that Christmas comes earlier and earlier every damn year (not that we're more than, say, twenty-six ourselves)--at least in your stores. Ethel was in large national chain drugstore two weeks before Halloween and guess what. The groovy Halloween masks and candy and crap had to share an aisle with effing Christmas shit! Before Halloween even! As Charlie Brown would say in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, "AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!"

Ethel is worried. Ethel is afraid she is going to get arrested. Ethel is afraid she is going to snap oh say maybe tomorrow and put on a big turkey costume and grab a cricket bat and go on a rampage knocking over too early fake-O Christmas trees that are already up in stores and smashing ornaments and beating up auto-animatronic singing Santas until they quit singing "Jingle Bells" over and over and over. Halloween. Thanksgiving. THEN Christmas. And maybe some other holiday or another in there somewhere depending on your heritage. Please retailers, nobody has any money to shell out on your shiny baubles this year anyway due to the economy/schmonomy. Please, for fuck's sake, can you at least hold off on the candy canes until maybe mid-November? please? Trick-or-ho ho ho and a bottle of eggnog.

Caught Between a Rock & Republic & a Hard Place

2008-11-02T18:48:00.003-05:00

Dear E. Jean: I’m not the richest or most glamorous girl on the block. I’m not able to buy whatever I please on a whim, such as the Jimmy Choo bag I’ve been saving for, but I dress stylishly and receive lots of compliments. My best friend, whom I adore, means well, but she can drive me insane when she thrusts in my face the latest Gucci wallet she just bought. It causes me to feel inferior and to envy what she has. Not only that, I start to feel really competitive, and this puts a strain on our friendship. What can I do to fix this without going on a shopping spree that will put me in debt?—Trying to Chill

Dear Loco for Logos:

If you define your self-worth on the Paris Hilton Scale of Logos for Logos’ Sake, then you have bigger problems than your BFF. Why would you allow yourself to feel inferior over a wallet? Have you no talents? No brains? No accomplishments with which to fill your coffers of self-worth?

Really missy – you’ve made us put on our Cranky Grandma hat up in here! A true friend does not care what logos or expensive shit you have, and a proud female person does not define herself in that way. Put your enthusiasm to better use – read a book and educate yourself, read a newspaper and learn about the world, create something, volunteer for a bigger cause than yourself, seduce a sexy man who enjoys housework*. If you feel happy about yourself no matter if you shop at Target or Prada, then your beauty will shine - a beauty that has nothing to do with your purse or wallet.

* If you find this man, please reply back to us with his phone number.

POOP not GOOP: Masturbate Your Way to Health!

2008-10-30T20:31:00.001-04:00

Lucy: My new best friend Gwyneth Paltrow e-mailed me today.

Ethel: She’s suing us for making fun of her? Bitch!

Lucy: No, no – she’s giving us more GOOPy goodness.

Ethel: Yay! Time for us to be full of shit then! Or POOP to be more precise.

Lucy: The Subject of the e-mail was “It’s Goop – DO”. It’s like she’s asking us to mock her. Do is one half of do-do which means POOP!

Ethel: Hahaha!

Lucy: She gives us advice from all three of her doctors: her New York doctor, her London doctor and her Los Angeles doctor.

Ethel: She needs three doctors? What the hell is wrong with her? Why are we taking advice from a dying woman?

Lucy: We’re not actually.

Ethel: Oh, Okay then.

Lucy: I only have one doctor – and she’s just the cooch doctor.

Ethel: Three doctors in three cities. Stars – they’re just like us!

Lucy: Okay – GOOP doctor number 3534321 says to sleep and exercise regularly. Well I learn that every month from lady magazines.

Ethel: Plus Vogue tell us about all the clothes we can’t afford.

Lucy: Yes! Fail, GOOP. Fail. POOP says sex is way more important than sleep, and that it also qualifies as exercise!

Ethel: POOP is pro-sex!

Lucy: Next, Doctor 234.5 says that everything everywhere will kill us because it’s toxic, so to not eat for twelve hours after dinner to detoxify.

Ethel: “Detoxify” to me means “Drink More Liquor”.

Lucy: Well liquor is cleansing.

Ethel: POOP says drink for twelve hours and then you’ll really clean yourself out! Plus, you need to drink to forget that everything everywhere is killing you.

Lucy: Win! We’re also not supposed to eat anything in a package.

Ethel: But Jeno’s Pizza Rolls come in a package, and I’m pretty sure those are the best food ever.

Lucy: Indeed. There seems to be a flaw in her reasoning.

Ethel: Gwyneth would not approve of the stew I am making. The meat is not organic. The mushrooms are from the bottom of my fridge and they were probably sorta bad as of yesterday. And the potatoes are white! And white foods are of the devil!

Lucy: Nay, I say! NAY! Potatoes give us chips, and potato skins with cheese, and BAKED potatoes! GOOP hates whitey, but POOP says all the food colors are beautiful, especially covered in cheese!

Ethel: I have my own method of detoxifying.

Lucy: Do tell!

Ethel: Have some tea, do a yoga pose or two maybe, and then go masturbate. You’ll feel better in no time!

Lucy: GOOP says follow a complicated menu; POOP says masturbate!

Ethel: I think our methodology is much more fun.

Lucy: Plus, POOP is fun to say. Hey – maybe she named this stupid website GOOP because it describes all the nasty shit that comes out of you when you follow her directions?

Ethel: But where does it come out?

Lucy: I don’t want to know. Let’s go drink wine.

Ethel: Poop yeah!

POOP: Oh, Sweet Mystery of Life At Last I've Found You!

2008-10-23T12:11:00.004-04:00

Friends, when you find yourself in times of trouble, do you ever wish you could consult with one of the great minds in the universe and ask them advice? We do. Maybe Mother Theresa? The Dalai Lama? The crazy guy on your corner with “End of the World” signs and a tinfoil hat?

Even the Brutally Honest Babes sometimes need life advice so that we may, in turn, pass wisdom on to you, our five readers. One can feel so very alone on the great Internets, so thank the good Jebus that someone, FINALLY, is here to help us all. Gwyneth Paltrow.

Gwynnie has a new site called “GOOP” (www.goop.com). There’s not too much content yet, but what is there has inspired us to be like her. No, we can’t magically grow 10 inches, suddenly gain millions of dollars from our beautiful, Hollywood parents, or spontaneously pop out a fruit baby, but we can emulate her ability to give super neato advice.

So, in the spirit of GOOP – we give you POOP.

GOOP tells you to ‘Nourish the inner aspect.’

POOP tells you to ‘Get through the fucking day.’

GOOP says ‘I love being in spaces that are clean and feel nice.’

POOP says ‘I love being in spaces I don’t have to clean. That’s nice.’

GOOP advises ‘Make your life good.’

POOP responds ‘Really? Life is supposed to be GOOD? Thanks Gwynnie! We’ve been doing it all wrong!’

GOOP says ‘Invest in what’s real.’

POOP says ‘Thank goodness we’re too poor to invest in anything, or else we’d be living in a cardboard box now!’

GOOP tells you to ‘Read something beautiful.’

POOP tells you to ‘Read us instead!’

GOOP says ‘Whether you want… some thoughts from one of my sages….’

POOP says ‘If we want advice from an herb, it won’t be sage. Wink wink.’

GOOP: Over the years I have tried lots of different things. I have made lots of mistakes. But I have figured out some things in the process and I would like to share them with you.

POOP: We have no idea what we’re doing. We blog for free on the Interwebs to fill an empty place in our bitter little lives. But please keep reading so that we have some small validation!

POOP – Get Through the Fucking Day ™

Its Alive! ALIVE!!!!!1!

2008-10-23T12:05:00.000-04:00

Hark, gentle readers!

Lucy and Ethel have been pounding on their keyboards writing a fictional novel! It’s totally not a rancid diatribe as some might suggest (thanks a lot, Mom!)

We have neglected you, and we apologize.

However, a new internet phenomenon has come to our attention which we cannot help but make ruthless fun of... er... comment upon.

Stay tuned….

I'm Hairy Noon and Night; Hair That's a Fright.

2008-07-31T21:35:00.004-04:00

DEAR ABBY: Is there a rule of etiquette regarding how men should wear long hair? My boyfriend's hair isn't long enough to pull into a ponytail, but it's long enough that he is constantly sweeping or shaking it out of his eyes. If we were to go to a funeral or similar ceremonial (or formal) event, what should he do? I need some input. -- HAIR-RAISING QUESTION

Dear Hair Which Has Been Raised:

Boy, Abby is on FIRE this week. She recommended hair gel to you. Yum! Long, nasty hair gelled back into a… something… we don’t know. She just said to gel his hair. Is it 1987 where Abby lives? Judging by her picture, we think so.

We’re confused – it’s not that long if it can’t be put in a ponytail, yet he’s luxuriously shaking it out of his eyes. Is it some kind of horrible Jonas Brothers monstrosity?

OK, the curly Jonasseses aren’t that bad, but the straight hair one is, like, vom. But it looks like you can ponytail that crap. So, we’re just babbling confusedly really.

Maybe it’s an uggo Zac Efron thing? Douche-tastic!

If so, we’re sorry, but it cannot be saved without a cut. Many of the younguns like these new gorpy haircuts, but we are anti-gorp here at BHBs. The Harry Potter movie where all the boys sported that crappy floppy hair was a total bonerkiller. We recommend either a haircut or a commitment to grow the hair longer so he can be a ponytail guy. Ugh – kids today. Get off our lawn!

An "Alf" Shirt Would be Perfect...

2008-07-30T20:30:00.003-04:00

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell friends and family that you're not interested in being fixed up? I'm a male, in my mid-40s, happily divorced for many years and have no desire to remarry.

I raised my children on my own, have a good job and many friends, but no desire to get into a relationship that could lead to more of a commitment than I am willing to make.

My life is good, but I'm constantly bombarded with questions like, "When are you going to get married again?" or, "Why don't you let me fix you up? I have the perfect woman for you." I don't know how to respond to this constant badgering. Please advise. -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS IN OHIO

Dear Too Popular For Own Good:
We have to laugh at the advice our dearest Abby gave you. Namely, to have a t-shirt made up with the slogan “Been There, Done That” on it. Ha! She was probably kidding, but we’re making fun of her so we don’t care. Actually, it’s a great idea, because who wants an aging asshole wearing a t-shirt with a hot 80s catchphrase on it? That tee is a great way to scare off the women. May we also suggest a “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” shirt and one with Urkel on it.

Oh noes! You are a straight, single guy in your 40s and all women are desperate to get married so they all want you. Ha! Just kidding. You’re probably reasonably good-looking, or no one would try to set you up with their friends. Can you really blame your nosy, irritating hangers-on for trying to hook you up? The dating pool is dismal, especially the older you get. But you’re having fun, cheap one night stands with drunken 22 year olds and you can’t give that up for a relationship. We understand.

Tell your friends to bugger off. Man up already and tell them how you feel. This isn’t a tough conversation*. You could tell them you have the scabies or something so they don’t want their women friends to touch you, but that’s extreme. Jebus, call us when you have a real problem, whiny.

*Now, telling all your nosy, irritating hangers-on that you’re a woman trapped in the body of a man who yearns to be free – that’s a tough conversation.

Unsolicited Advice: If You Are a Sado-Masochist, Take a Man to a Musical

2008-07-28T21:46:00.004-04:00

We love musicals. Musicals are Mother's milk to us Babes. They are burning acid to our menfolk. Stage musicals, movie musicals, random adaptations of both--we laugh and cheer and sing along while in the seats beside us our husbands cringe and writhe in agony. While it is possible for us chicas to actually enjoy a shoot 'em up bang bang thriller or even a blood-n-guts flick every now and again, we must acknowledge that our menfolk simply cannot, repeat, CANNOT, enjoy say, Xanadu or Mama Mia or even Chicago (OK, maybe they would enjoy the black fishnet/thong/stilettos number). What we're getting at is this: ladies, if you see the wonder in a fairy tale, if you like big, fat, fabulous musicals--do yourselves and your significant others a favor. Buy your man a six-pack o' beer and hand him the TV remote and tell him he can watch whatever he wants and you're going to the movies with your girlfriends. Trust us. Everyone will have a lovely time. If your man actually wants to go with you to see, say, Thoroughly Modern Millie, um, he's probably gay. Gay guys do make great dates. If your man is hetero though, give him a break. Don't bust his balls. You need them too, after all. As ze French would say, "Vive la difference!"

Unsolicited Advice: Mommy’s Little Helper Helps Me, Too

2008-07-23T00:04:00.002-04:00

It happened so suddenly. One minute I’m surfing the net, and the next the boy has planted a terribly sexy kiss on me while asking, “Can you make dinner, baby? I’m in the middle of stuff.”

Ugh. It’s 7:30pm, I’m tired from a rather long day, and I have important stuff to do, too! Like… reruns of Golden Girls (sniff… RIP Estelle Getty) and… um… deep political analysis. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Deep political analysis.

I’m trapped. He asked so nicely. And he befuddled my brain with sweet, sincere kissing and words of love. Damn him!

I turn to the only thing that gets me through housework. I can’t imagine why I didn’t discover it years ago. Is it meditation? Fun iPod music? No, friends. It’s liquor. Better known as Mommy’s Little Helper.

Scrubbing toilets, doing laundry, Swiffer-ing, cleaning the litter box, getting up in the morning – these are horrid chores which no sane person would enjoy. Booze injects a lovely haze of pseudo-fun on the activities.

In June of last year, Tulsa, Oklahoma unearthed a car they had buried in 1957 as a time capsule of sorts. From MSNBC:

“The contents of a “typical” woman’s handbag, including 14 bobby pins, lipstick and a bottle of tranquilizers, were supposed to be in the glove box [of the car], but all that was found looked like a lump of rotted leather.”

1957 Female Checklist:
14 Bobby Pins
Lipstick
Bottle of Tranquilizers

June Cleaver was high, bitches. There is no other explanation. Not even in the 50s was housework fun, no matter how many times the Home Ec. teacher tried to convince you it was. I would use tranquilizers, as a tribute to my sisters of yesteryear, only I must be the only person in LA who doesn’t have one of those doctors who prescribes Vicodin for a toe stubbing.

So our Brutally Honest advice for today, my lovelies, is to have a wee cocktail before vacuuming or cleaning cat vomit or doing your taxes. You’re allowed to – it’s one of the wonderful things about being an adult. I raise my glass to you! Or I would if it weren’t already empty.

~Lucy

PS: If any of my LA friends know one of those pill-happy doctors – you know where to find me. There’s a bottle of Boone’s in it for you.

From Russia With Love

2008-07-19T15:02:00.002-04:00

Dear BHB's:
I also have a "sometimesy" friend. She stood me up for a lunch date last month and did not return my phone calls when I tried to find out what had happened to her. After many weeks of zero communication from her, she suddenly called out of the blue all chumsey-like. She vaguely apologized for the lunch mishap, saying she suddenly flew to Morocco--she is Russian and her husband Moroccan. In the midst of our phone call she got another call coming in and put me on hold, for like, 8 minutes, until I finally gave up and hung up. I made one vain attempt to call her back later; but when she did not answer I declined to leave a message. Is this some cultural misunderstanding, or is she just rude?
Sincerely,
Tired of All the Borscht-shit

Dear Have Some Vodka and Call it a Day:
We like the word "chumsey" too. Definitely sounds good with "sometimesy." We are a-feared that your friend is not much of a friend. Seems like she probably does inconsiderate crap like this all the time--probably not just to you. Culture-schmulture, true friendship knows no bounds. It is universally understood. Her brand of friendship is casual at best. No use in being offended, just take it or leave it. If you and she do have happy times sometimes, enjoy them. Just don't expect a phone call the morning after.

The One in Which We Adopt Made-Up Internet Words

2008-07-17T17:35:00.004-04:00

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
ok what does it mean when a friend is sometimsey ? you know like when sometimes they you like sometimes they seem like they dont ?? I work with a friend that is like this . sometimes when I say hi she is all jolly and then there are those times she is like whatever I mean she says hi but she just different acting . sometimes lunch breaks she says hey go to lunch with me talk with me some days she just looks real crabby . I only go to lunch when she ask me wich is cool since I like being alone on lunch breaks anyway . really the lunch thing is fine I would rather be alone on lunch but I am not mean about it . then there was the time she begged me to go to the club with her I didnt wanna go but went anyway . when i called to meet up with her for going clubbing she acted like she didnt want me to go . why did she beg and force me to go then when I do go she acted like she didnt want me to go ?? well at first it was just gonna be me and her meeting another girl and she didnt wanna go alone and then her sister and cousin decided to go . so was it that she found other people and didnt need me to go ?? maybe she just wanted to use me ?? she is like this alot !! do you think she uses me ??

Dear Captain Grammar:
OK, we are totally adapting “sometimsey” as our new favorite word. That’s pretty much the only reason we picked out this question. Sometimsey we are like that.

Your co-worker only wants to hang out with you when there is no one better to hang out with. Sad, tough to hear, but true. We BHBs have both been there before, even though it might be tough for our adoring public to reconcile such, as we are so insanely awesome. But it’s true, and it hurts until you stop letting it hurt you.

You can either continue to hang out with Sometimsey and choose to not be offended when she snubs you, or you can drop her like Dorothy dropped Stan Zbornak after he screwed that flight attendant. Either way, this person is not really worth your time or consternation. Find a better, truer friend yourself and have fun good times with them. We all deserve better than a sometimsey. We all deserve a friend who is alwaysey. Except for Osama Bin Laden. Really, fuck him.

Sigh Insert Clever Title About an Asshole Here

2008-07-07T17:17:00.002-04:00

DEAR ABBY: "Robert" and I have been married seven years and have two sons, ages 1 and 3. Something is bothering me that didn't before -- Robert's driving. My husband speeds, tailgates, honks his horn to make others go faster and uses racial epithets. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of not trusting him or says I'm looking for something to complain about.

I am concerned for our safety and the impact Robert's behavior has on our sons, not to mention my worry about road rage. If either of our mothers drove with us they would cringe. What can I do? -- ROAD BULLY'S WIFE IN SAN FRANCISCO

Dear I’m Glad You and Your Husband Don’t Live in My City:

We think we may have flicked off your asshole husband at one point or another! The quick but not so easy solution is to stop riding in the car while he drives, or allowing your sons to do so. Immediately. Now, your husband obviously has multiple issues – he’s an angry racist twat for starters. This will cause mucho bad blood we’re sure. But what’s more important, keeping Mr. Rage Pants mollified or your safety? It’s a no-brainer.

Once you make good on your threat to never drive with him, calmly explain to him that you are afraid for your collective safety. Google some accident statistics and show him why speed and tailgating lead to tragedy. Nowadays, even honking at the wrong person could get you shot. Does he get this angry off the road as well? He may need professional help. If he resists changing, then consider that his fits of childish piss and vinegar are more important to him than you are.

As for the racist insults, well, perhaps you want to have a long conversation with yourself about the guy you married and the kind of sons you want to raise.

Viva La Burrito!

2008-06-04T16:15:00.003-04:00

No More Apologies.

Women apologize for many, many things they should not, but my rant today is about apologizing for food.

It seems a cake cannot emerge from it’s frothy pink box without some woman at the table beginning the ritual.

“Oh, that’s so baaaaaad!”

“I shouldn’t”

“I’ll have to work out so hard after!”

“It’s evil!”

On and on, ad infinitum. Usually every female at the table will say one of the above, if only to prove to all the other women in the room that she’s sufficiently body dysmorphic enough to be in The Shame Club.

The Shame Club, the Club people like Perez Hilton have convinced us we should be in, because we dared to be female, dared to turn 19 and still be alive, dared to have cellulite, and dared to not vomit today.

You know what’s terrible? I have some suggestions, and funnily enough, cake isn’t on the list!

“Oh, that’s so baaaaaad!” – BAD is Hillary Clinton’s thighs being discussed instead of her policies.

“I shouldn’t” – I SHOULD’T perpetrate girl on girl hate crime by bashing any woman’s looks and discussing them as if they were the end all be all of her personhood.

“I’ll have to work out so hard after!” – I’LL HAVE TO really think about the fact that today is the 89^th anniversary of the 19^th amendment.

“It’s evil!” – EVIL things are honor killings, cancer and racism.

NOT CAKE!

Say it with me: I will not make a negative commentary about anything I eat. If it’s so deplorable, I will not eat it. The end.

~Lucy

Speed Racer

2008-05-30T15:13:00.002-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I just went on a date with a cute guy and basically had a good time, except he drives like a maniac. I was freakin' scared on the way to the restaurant. When I finally plucked up enough courage to ask him to please slow down, he just said, "I always drive like this." Then I found out he didn't even have his license on him because he'd left it at home. Other than the bad driving, I had fun. I'm on the fence about him. What should I do?
Peed in Pants on First Date

Dear Peed in Pants on First Date (We usually like to make up a new moniker in our response but yours is too good):
Sounds like Mr. Cute is so into being his manly self that he doesn't give a darn about your safety or even the fact that you asked him to slow down. Seems like that might be indicative of what your future relationship might be like in every aspect. He's basically saying, "Take me as I am and I don't give a darn about how you are." Pretty crappy. Pretty selfish. Driving speaks volumes of one's character. However; this cute guy sounds a bit like the famous Prince Harry. If in fact you find yourself in the car with Prince Harry, you'd better milk that cow!

P.S. Whore Moan

2008-05-28T16:58:00.003-04:00

P. S. This be a bit of a post script to the Cramps blog. The birth control Pill is both a blessing and a curse. Just like ye olde "." Female hormones are a thing to be reckoned with. Stirring them up and swishing them around and adding and subtracting and "regulating" them via the Pill is scary business. Did y'all know that the Pill often has a drastically adverse affect on one's libido? OK, let's do away with that jackass Freudian stuff, he didn't know shit about the female orgasm. Take two: Did y'all know that the Pill often has a drastically adverse affect on one's sex drive?

Lucy and Ethel found that out first hand, but when Lucy mentioned it to Doc, Doc was stunned and amazed and had not heard of such a thing! Ladies, be warned. Do your own research, and be aware that going on or off the pill, or changing brands or dosages can make you CRAY-CRAY. For example, Ethel is about two weeks into a new type of Pill. It seems to encourage her either to be constipated for days on end or else trotting to the loo too often. "Trots," you know. She also is bloated (of course) and has an uncomfortable tingly/warmish sensation in her feet. Those are her outward physical side effects. Mentally, she's mental--i.e. alternately crying or screaming with little or no provocation. She also is not sleeping particularly well.

Here's a jolly Ethel tale: Ethel awakens one night/morning at four a.m. She is overly warm. Her heart is racing. In the darkness it comes to her. The reason for her constipation/trots/bloating/foot-problem/sleeplessness/etc. FRED. Fred must be slowly poisoning her. (Ethel watches a lot of crime scene drama TV). Of course he must have taken out a billion dollar life insurance policy on her without her knowledge--as he is even now snoring beside her, smug in his knowledge of her suffering and his eventual windfall! Yeah. After about an hour or so of tossing and turning and letting the poison have its way with her, she falls back to sleep.

When Ethel awakens, Fred has already jaunted off for the day. After her habitual cup of coffee (which she was careful to have thoroughly examined before consuming), Ethel comes to the conclusion that her four a.m. revelation might just be from her own Pill, rather than Fred's secret stash of Cyanide/Arsenic/Rat Poison. Since she's already seen the ghost of a departed loved-one, already had an "out of body" experience, and also been anally probed by any number of aliens (usually around four in the morning), she decides to give Fred the benefit of the doubt. For now. But she is looking to hire an Official Taster.

A Quiz: Whither Cramps? Or, How to Get Laid

2008-05-25T22:30:00.003-04:00

Dear Mens:

We Brutally Honest Babes wish more sexing for the world. First, we think there would be less war, anger, terrorism, etc. if the world had more (carnal) love, sweet love. After all, if the jihadists who do terrible deeds just had their virgins in the first place, there would be no need to strap on dynamite jackets. Second, sexing is fun.

Mens, take our short quiz and learn.

Your woman says, “Ouch! Dear me, I seem to be experiencing beautiful natural cramping as a result of my feminine cycle. My lady flower is indeed wonderful, but sometimes ouchey, alas.” [May also be heard as, “Fuck me and fuck my fucking ovaries fuck!! Die die die!!”]

You:

A: Grimace at the word “cramps”

B: Say in reply, “Ugh – you’re not getting your period again, are you? Guess I’ll beat off to porn.”

C: Both A and B

D: Grab your woman a vicodin, a glass of wine, a hot water bottle and put “Atonement” on the DVD, remarking how Keira Knightley is too skinny, but how dreamy James McAvoy is and how he is a lesson in sensitive yet strong manliness.

If you answered A or B, I’m sure you enjoyed your evening on the couch.

If you answered C, stick a fork in you, you’re done.

If you answered D, you may not get sexing when your lady is all sore boobs and cramps, but as soon as she’s out of that, raise the mast, you’re off to plunder the depths! (And by “plunder the depths” we mean “get laid”. It’s just a nicer way of saying same. And more piratey.)

See, you might think that cramps are some kind of personal inconvenience to you, a ticket to bitchytown as it were. And as true as the whole bitchytown thing is, it’s not really about you. Shocking we know. Your lady is in genuine pain, and your reaction should be one of sympathy. Now, crotch bleeding does not give your lady a blank check to stab you with a spoon or anything, but give her a small break, OK? She’s bleeding out the crotch.

Think of cramps as an opportunity to build good will! And goodwill leads to sexing.

The Mystery of the Smelly Smell

2008-05-22T14:49:00.004-04:00

One fine day, a woman worked and slaved and washed, dried, folded and hung up all the laundry that was to be done in her household, because her man needed clean clothes for his upcoming journey! The woman loved her man very much. While the man went off gallivanting, the woman dutifully stayed at home. She worked and slaved even more so that her home would look just as lovely and perfect as those in the Better Homes and Gardens magazine. OK, no, really, while her man was gone she actually just sat around the house eating frozen dinners and watching TV and letting the dishes pile up in the sink. Lord knows she needed a frickin' break from her daily grind of chores. She especially didn't do any laundry, because after all, she had just recently worked and slaved and washed, dried, folded and hung up all the laundry that was to be done in her household, of course!

One day after the man went away, the woman noticed a strange smell permeating the air inside her lovely home. "If I ignore it, it will go away," thought she. Another day passed. The smell worsened. "Oh dear, perhaps I should take out the garbage, even though that is the man's job and he is away." And so she did, even carefully spraying the trash can with Lysol for good measure. "Now my lovely home will smell fresh and delightful again!" the woman believed. Alas, it was not to be. The smelly smell persisted. Next, the woman cleansed and ran the garbage disposal in the sink, but to no avail. The sink was not the source of the smell at all. "A puzzlement!" exclaimed the woman.

Days and days passed. The woman grew despondent. She wandered the house searching, searching for the source of the disagreeable aroma. When, at last, she was ready to burn down the house and flee to a tropical island and take up with a good-looking native man and live in a hut that would surely house no mysterious smelly smells, fate intervened. She stepped barefoot into a fairly fresh pile of doggie poo on the throw rug in the entrance hall. One of her dogs had had an accident.

Now, gentle reader, think not that the poo was the original smelly smell. The poo was only a red herring. "Shit," exclaimed the poo-footed woman, "now I must do even more laundry!" She shook the large chunks of poo into the yard and prepared to wash the offending rug. Upon opening the lid to the washing machine, she gagged and nearly threw up. Then she smiled and laughed and rejoiced, as she had finally unraveled the mystery of the smelly smell! A strange blackish retention pond is what her washing machine had become. The smelly smell was amazingly icky. Within the icky water that filled it to the brim, there resided one pair of jeans, one shirt, two socks, and a towel. It seems that the man, regardless of the fact that all of his wardrobe was clean, had placed the one outfit he had been wearing the day before his departure and the one towel he had just used for his shower, into the washing machine, turned it off, and then left it all to ferment. Even though the man believed he was being helpful, the woman then had even more work to do to get the smelly smell out of the clothes and the washer and the house. The end.

The Amazing Disappearing Douchebag!

2008-05-21T12:02:00.002-04:00

Dear "BHBs":
My ex-boyfriend also happens to be my manager at work. Though I endeavor to maintain a courteous work relationship with him, he is a total douchebag. If I casually say, "Hi" to him, he remarks, "I don't want your 'pity hi.'" He demands that I not speak of our break-up at work or to anyone we both know which is fine by me since I dumped him. However, he has blabbed of our personal relations to anyone and everyone who will listen. He also tells other people how "used" he feels because he claims to have pulled strings to get me my position in the first place. He already once asked me to quit, because seeing me is too "painful" for him. Thank God he does not have the authority to fire me. Oh yeah, and he is already carrying on publicly with two other women I work with. As uncomfortable as he now makes my work existence, I refuse to quit. I intend to stick it out, but how can I get him to leave me alone in the meantime?
Yours Truly,
Hostile Work Environment Ex

Dear At Least You're Not Still Dating the Douchebag:
Kill him. Quietly. Leave no evidence. Ha ha, just kidding! No, but seriously, we do recommend the following: Get yourself a new boyfriend, pronto. Preferably one with mob connections. Explain your dilemma to new boyfriend. Tell him you would like your "past mistakes" to disappear. When your past mistake conveniently does disappear, without a trace,
take over his position as manager and do your best to create a pleasant, productive work environment for your new employees. Oh, and you may want to institute a N0-Dating policy at work.

The Goodly Wife and the Goodly Anvil~A Morality Tale

2008-05-19T14:46:00.004-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I think I read in some of your blogs that you Babes are also Wives. Being a married woman myself, I sometimes want to whack my husband upside the head with a 2 by 4 because of the dumb things he does. Is this normal?
Brutally Honest Wife

Dear-Sister-Mother-Sister-Woman-Sister:
Yes, we Babes, as Wives, often experience 2 by 4 husband syndrome ourselves (although we do recommend acting on that impulse only within one's private fantasy life!) For example, Lucy's husband, Ricky, will allow her to create a spiffy timetable and an order in which errands and appointments could feasibly be accomplished, only to (at the last minute) rearrange said order into something haphazard and inconvenient that often results in lateness and/or missed appointments as well as an eco-unfriendly expenditure of valuable petrol. Finally, once he has made his manly changes and realized that he has basically fucked up, he gets grumpy and grouses at Lucy for the rest of the day.

Ethel's husband (you know, Fred), takes great pleasure in using his new-fangled GPS device for the car. Even if Fred and Ethel already know directions to whatever their destination--even if they have been to that destination many, many times before--Fred still insists on listening to the directions offered up by the GPS with the disembodied sexy British female voice. Often the GPS will get confused and send them tooling about in interesting circles and loop-de-loops, and all the while Ethel knows exactly where they should be headed but musn't speak up or else then Fred will grouse for the rest of the day.

We know not what your husband's particular dumbness may encompass, but we feel for you. Our best take on the whole situation is merely to allow Husband his manly foibles so that you experience as few grumpy repercussions as possible. And have fun imagining the 2 by 4 scenario, the frying pan scenario, the anvil accidentally falling out of the window scenario . . .

Could You be a Victim of Date Poop?

2008-05-16T14:53:00.004-04:00

Dear BHBs:
I have agreed to a date that I'm not sure I want to go on. You see, it happened like this, I was outside my apartment complex taking my dog for a walk when one of my neighbors approached me to chat. He seems like an OK guy, 20 years old (a bit younger than me, let me tell you!), Ukranian, and speaks little English. He said to me, "So, do you want to go to the restaurant?" I had on no make-up and my dog was pooping and I said, "Yes." Now I'm stuck. Did I do a bad thing? Should I try to get out of it?
Poopingly Yours

Dear Some People are into That Kind of Thing:
Well, we shall revert to our patent answer in this case. Go with your gut. Your female intuition should have told you by now whether this guy might be unhealthy for you. If you have any warning bells at all sounding in your head, then please please find a way to politely but firmly cancel the date. From your description of this Poop Date fellow, however; it seems like you think he's kosher, but maybe just not your type. If that is the case, why not let him buy you dinner at "the restaurant" and get to know him a little.

Maybe he is just looking for good, strong American female to make for wife for bringing of all relatives of Ukraine to U.S.A. Or, maybe he just likes you. Of course, if you opt to give him a chance, you may want to consider driving separately and meeting at the restaurant as well as leaving separately (although he obviously already knows where you live). Carry pepper spray.

Consider this, maybe you'll click with said foreigner somehow. Maybe you can live out Ethel's fantasy of hot sex with a good-looking non-English speaking stranger! Oh, just so you know, in Ethel's fantasy, there is no poop.

Coming Soon!

2008-05-15T14:48:00.001-04:00

A Merit/Demerit Chart for Husbands is in the works and will soon be coming to a blog near you!

Unsolicited Advice: The Cure

2008-05-15T14:22:00.002-04:00

God bless America. We have so much. We are spoiled rotten. Don't get us wrong, we Babes are grateful for the free country in which we live. Americans are so privileged--it seems that since we no longer have to grub and struggle for food or shelter on a day-to-day basis (come on, even minimum wage workers here eat and have an apartment)--anyway, it seems that since we generally don't have those sorts of problems, we have to create problems for ourselves. Many of our current problems really aren't issues in some other parts of the world.

Consider:

*Anorexia and Bulimia are not major problems in Ethiopia.

*Obesity is not an issue in Ethiopia (no crash-celebrity diets or stomach-stapling necessary there).

*Alcoholism is not really a big deal in Ethiopia (you pretty much need grapes or grains or some other sort of excess food-stuffs to make booze).

*Mid-Life Crises are practically non-existent in Ethiopia (how many people there even make it to middle-age?)

*High gas prices have little impact on a large portion of the Ethiopian populous who must rely on animal-power or their own feet for transportation.

In other words, Ethiopia is the cure for so many of our nation's ailments! If you happen to be a big fat middle-aged drunk with body dismorphia who is paying too much for gas for your brand new sports car, consider moving. To Ethiopia. Ethiopians know a few things we don't. They know the cure.

April's Fool

2008-04-01T14:59:00.002-04:00

Dear Abby: When a person cooks a meal, isn't it also his or her responsibility to do the dishes when the meal is finished? If not, then who should? I think the cook should be responsible. – Boiling Over in St. Louis

Dear Will Not Work for Food:
You must be the recipient of the food, because we can’t believe the cook would write this.

We totally agree with you. They slaved over a hot stove to cook, and their responsibility does not end there. They should dab your face with your napkin as you eat, perhaps even cut your food into bite-size-pieces. After they are finished with the dishes, they should join you in the loo, so that they may easily wipe your ass as you divest yourself of the food they generously prepared. If any bits spilled on your clothes from out your slack-jawed mouth, the cook should immediately skip to the creek so they may wash them and beat them on a fucking rock as they sing “Old Man River”. Why should their job stop at cooking? It’s madness. If they are not burping you after the meal, they are hateful and you should go eat at some other person’s house. Not ours.

* Edited to add: Lucy wrote the above. Ethel pointed out that at a fancy dinner party, the guests should not do the dishes. Lucy totally agrees, but took the tone of the letter as more of a friend at friend's house kind of thing, as Boiling Over didn't say "dinner party". If it's a friends or family kind of thing, we agreed that at least offering to help with the clean-up is the right thing to do. That is all.

This is Why People Love Tivo

2008-03-31T21:16:00.001-04:00

Dear Abby: My husband gets aggravated with romantic commercials on television -- the ones where men do sweet things for their wives, like putting jewelry on them while they sleep, or pulling out that special gift at the dinner table. He says the commercials try to make men feel guilty because they aren't like the ones portrayed.

I have tried telling him that men are, indeed, this way, but I couldn't think of any examples other than my brother and my father, who are very romantic.

There are more than two men who excel at romance, aren't there? Don't most men know how to sweep a woman off her feet?

Dear No Kiss Begins with Kay:
Your man is aggravated because he can’t be like the men in commercials on TV. OK. Yes, he is so very correct to be aggravated at them, because there is no way on Jebus’s green Earth he could ever do nice things for you. It’s impossible to leave a flower by your plate at dinner, or to rub your feet, or to draw you a bath with candles. Those things are like Unicorns and Michael Jackson’s dignity – they don’t exist! They are impossible! We get mad at commercials when they show a sparkling clean floor – our husbands suddenly think that such a thing is attainable and we are in deep shit.

Your husband could learn to do those things for you, but he doesn’t want to. That’s the bottom line. He’d rather get mad at the TV. There are men who try and do nice, romantic things. Do you want one?

LOLLost - I can haz?

2008-03-29T14:00:00.003-04:00

So, the BHBs have been up to even more silly than usual (see regular activities such as shitty finger waves in hair, giggling about stupid romance novels starring people named Krondor, and talking about sex ad nauseum.)

We introduce you to a spontaneous contribution to the Universe - LOLLost. It started in the Jezebel commenters section, and is spreading it's benign evil forthwith. If you have no idea to what that refers, then you probably spend more time in life doing, you know, real things in the world that surfing on the internetz, and shame on you. LOLLost is inspired by the stupidness that is LOLCats.

A few of our humble contributions...

So visit the stupidity and make some of your own. You know you want to!

BOSS is a Four-Letter Word

2008-03-14T12:09:00.004-04:00

Dear BHB's:
My manager habitually uses foul language during business meetings, and I think the jackass ought to be reprimanded. I ain't exactly a nun, but I do manage to keep my bad words to myself when on the clock because it's against company policy (hello! harassment!). I don't want to go to Human Resources with this, because if I do, somehow it will come back to bite me in the ass. Besides, I hate a snitch. What's your fucking opinion?
Fed Up With Foul Boss

Dear Fucking Fed Up:
Presumably these fucking business meetings involve a number of other employees who also bear witness to your manager's foul mouth. If you like your damn boss, then maybe you and several others can speak to him privately and express your concern over his shitty vocabulary.

If you fucking hate him, then get a mini fucking tape recorder and record him talking shit in one of your fucking shit ass meetings. Then, get your pussy ass friends to fucking buck up, and as a group present the shit to H.R.

Or, if you still can't stomach the tattletale thing, then just feel free to indulge in copious usage of fucking bad words, and encourage your pals to do the same, and fucking force your asshole manager to deal with the damn situation. Hell, if he tries to punish you, and/or your fucking cohorts; simply remind him of his own public indiscretions. I'm pretty fucking sure he doesn't want HIS boss to know what a fuckhead he really is, so probably that should put the whole damn affair to rest. Shit.

Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo

2008-03-11T13:59:00.003-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I am about to graduate from high school. I have been dating the same guy for 2 years now. His dad hates me. My birthday is next week and I will be turning 18. My boyfriend is not quite a year younger than me. His dad said if we keep dating after I turn 18 he will call the police and I will be arrested for corrupting a minor or something like that. What can I do?
Troubled Teen

Dear Not Exactly Mrs. Robinson:
Well, that's a doozy. We regretfully inform you that while this whole situation really sucks for both you and your slightly less mature boyfriend, legally, his father could cause you a world of hurt if he so chooses. As much as we (OK, Ethel, at least) fancy younger men, we can only advise that you wait for him to grow up a little, for your own sake. Darn, that's harsh. But vaguely attractive middle school teachers and, of course, priests, have had to go and ruin it for everybody. The law is black and white. You may consider visiting a free legal advice website and inquire as to whether there may be some grey area surrounding your own plight, but on the whole, we think it might be wiser if you and boyfriend part for a time, while you start checking out college boys. Slightly older, beer guzzling frat boys might be a nice change of pace.

As Long as He Doesn't Look Better Than You Do In Them...

2008-03-10T23:43:00.001-04:00

Dear BHB's:
What should I do if I found my boyfriend dancing around in my bra and panties?
Sincerely,
Baffled

Dear Baffled:
Did he look good? If yes, hey – dance with him and get lucky. A lay is a lay.

But seriously (actually, we were), a frank discussion is in order. There are plenty of hetero men who are into the nice, soft feeling of silky underthings against the skin. A little fetish can be exciting! If he’s a great guy, and a keeper, then put aside your gender role stereotypes and take a deep breath. After all, a hundred years ago the mens were horrified at the womens daring to wear pants.

Maybe it’s a deal breaker, but it might not be. A good man is hard to find. And a hard man is good to find. Even in Victoria’s Secret.

Daring Darling

2008-03-06T12:31:00.004-05:00

Dear Mrs. Web:
My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?

Dear Married to Evil Knievel:
Take out a multi-million dollar life insurance policy on him immediately. If that doesn't stop him, then at least you will be a wealthy, desirable widow if he becomes lost or stranded in the Amazon or maybe on top of Mount Everest and draws the short straw and winds up as the appetizer for the all-you-can-eat-resorting-to-cannibalism-so-that-others-may-live buffet.

Or, volunteer to go with him. If he loves you enough that he doesn't want YOU to die anytime soon, maybe you can pull the old, "I cannot live without you and must be ever at your side" routine and therefore maybe, for your sake, he will relent but still manage to save face with his presumably thrill seeking and mildly retarded buddies. Maybe.

Or maybe he'll take out a multi-million dollar life insurance policy on you and say, "OK honey, let's go!"

Or, you could tell him how very lonely and horny you will be if he leaves you and goes on this trip, and maybe you could ask one of your male friends (who has a deep and sexy voice) to call your house at random when hubby is home and ask to speak to you. You then whisper desperately into the phone while hubby is still within earshot, "Not now, Giuseppe, my husband hasn't left on his expedition yet!" Perhaps jealousy alone can win the day. And perhaps, if it doesn't, you and Giuseppe can buy a private island and laze about in the sun while your future children frolic merrily in the surf.

Stupid Monster Head

2008-03-03T23:42:00.002-05:00

Dear E. Jean:
Back in high school, I had a crush on a senior. I never knew why, but he and his friends tormented me: They started rumors, told their girlfriends horrible lies so they'd want to beat me up, and just made my life as miserable as possible.

Since then, I graduated from college in three years, now work for a top fashion website as an editor, travel, and look damn good. All in all, I'm A-OK and lead a pretty fabulous life. And what are those cool, popular guys up to now? They're either in jail, rehab for drug abuse, or trying to make it as white rappers.

So wouldn't you know…after seven years of no contact, many of them have found me on social-networking sites and have contacted me! One in particular keeps telling me how beautiful I am and asks me out repeatedly. I've been polite, but in no way have I encouraged conversation. Yet he's persisting! I find him revolting, but I feel guilty not responding because his life is so crappy now. How do I nicely convey that I don't want anything to do with him? Or—shudder at the thought!—am I being a jerk for holding a grudge for so long?
Tables Have Turned

Dear Being Nice is For Loser Non-Fabulous People:
Fuck. Him.

Now is not the time for mamby-pamby “please leave me alone” business!

You have two choices. You can either begin to ensnare him a web vengeful lies, leading him on and in a series of coyly suspenseful and Hitchcock-esque dates until he confesses his undying love and you dash his hopes upon the rocks of despair at your high school reunion in front of all his asshole friends with a bucket of PIG’S BLOOD!!!!

*or*

Turn your bad experiences into a best-selling chick-lit book, which in turn will be made into a romantic comedy starring Amy Adams as you and James McAvoy as the nerdy yet sexy boy who secretly loves you from afar. Ok so maybe you didn’t actually have a nerdy yet sexy boy who secretly loved you from afar, but it’s your damn book/ movie. OK, and those people are totally too old to play high schoolers, but we’re tired of seeing anorexic interchangeable teenagers star in shitty high school movies.

What were we talking about?

Oh, yes. Forget high school jerk! Don’t reply to asshat anymore and go be fabulous!

PS - White rappers?

PPS - This blog is titled "Stupid Monster Head" at Lucy's husband's request. No, she doesn't know why. Maybe he just likes Monster Heads. No he doesn't - they're stupid.

"i"

2008-03-03T12:52:00.007-05:00

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
i am a girl,16 years old.i am in a relationship right now that has started 8 months ago.he first texted me and told me who he was,because i hadn't noticed him before.we started chatting by messages,when finally,several months later,we became a couple.he is not very attractive in my opinion but i overlooked that because everyone were telling me he was a very good guy.we had a quite normal relationship,but it was obvious(not only to the two of us,but to everyone else as well)that i had the control of him and of the relationship.he once told me he loved me.i wasn't feeling the same,but there were times when he made me so happy.so,i told him that i loved him,too even though it wasn't quite true.so,he kept saying he loved me lots of times.and one day i told him to break up.i don't remember why.but he started crying in front of me!that was when i seriously got sick of him.since then,numerous times i had told him i wanted to be with him,and he accepted,and some days later i wanted to break up.i had other relationships in the meantime,so as he,but i keep returning at him,hoping it will be the last time we will break up.also,a lot of people,usually mine and his friends,tell me he loves me,and i keep hurting him,and i know they think im a really bad person and i should stop doing this.but i really don't know why i keep returning at him or why i keep telling him to break up.i think i feel secure and lovable around him,and i also feel like he's the only one who understands me,but im not sure if i am attracted to him anymore.sometimes i even feel like i know him too much and i get bored around him.and he puts pressure on me by saying he loves me,since i can't say the same anymore.right now we are together again,but it only lasted for a week,because yesterday i told him i need some time to think.i know i should break up with him for the last time,but if i have this feeling again after a while and still want him??and i can't take anymore people telling me i hurt him!i know that,and it's not like i want to hurt him!after all,as selfish as it sounds,i think that first is my feelings and then everyone's else.i seriously don't know what to do!help!

Dear Sweet-and-Sour Sixteen:
You are 16 years old. Friggin' sweet s i x t e e n! We'll tell you what to do. Stop watching shitty reality TV shows and thinking that's how you're life should be. Dump all the boys. Yes, even whiny, crying boy. Especially him. Forever. Hell, maybe you're a lesbian and you don't even know it yet. Get a hobby. For goodness' sake, pay attention in school! Learn how to type "I" as a capital letter. Set some goals for yourself. Join the army. Practice inline skating. Climb Mount Fuji. Learn another language (OK, in your case, start with English). And stop being so selfish. Self-fulfillment comes from helping others. Take a look at Mother Theresa's life. That would have been one hell (excuse us, departed Sister, "heck") of a reality show, as well as a reality check. You're 16. Live and learn.

Don't Be a Fool When You're Foolin' Around

2008-02-27T14:13:00.003-05:00

Dear Experts at Glamour:
How do you ask your partner to have a STD check-up?

Dear STD TBD:
We suggest that you do not ASK your partner to have an STD check-up, but rather TELL them no more nookie until they do! How simple is that? You might also volunteer to have a check-up done at the same time, not only to encourage your partner; but also because if they have the Clap then very likely you'll also be hearing the sound of applause. Sex is fun, until somebody loses an eye. Or something.

Anything You Can do to Draw Attention to Your Mouth is Good

2008-02-26T22:53:00.002-05:00

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
i have known this man for six years and there is no doubt there is some kind of attraction between us. i think of him all the time. how can i make myself irresistable to him [sic entire question, geez]

Dear It’s Called Punctuation:
Six Years? Are you stuck in a Jane Austin novel? Oh, goodie! Let’s see… you are poor, but pretty enough and have amazing spirit! He is rich and looks wonderful wet, a la Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. Despair not, sooner or later some improbable confusion will be thrust upon you, and then lifted, as you both discover your unending love!

If you are not actually stuck in an Austen novel, then… six years? Impetuous he is not. We hate to be nay-sayers, but maybe this mutual attraction in is not quite as mutual as you thought.

But for spits and giggles, let’s say there is a torrent of lust in his heart for you. Take a page from the book of Cher from Clueless (a ripping good movie and yet another Austen tale. Is there anything that woman can’t teach us?) Suddenly have some other man. The BHBs thoroughly believe that men want what they cannot have, and they enjoy chasing same. Date someone else casually, and be sure to mention it all the time around Mr. Reckless. Or, do as Cher did and send flowers to yourself, dress sexy and make someone up. Hey, she ended up with her step-brother in the end! That’s… something.

If he still doesn’t come around, then maybe your new casual man could be your torrent of lust. After six years, it sounds like you could really use a torrent of lust.

Mmmmmmm… torrent of lust.

The Icing on the Cake

2008-02-25T14:31:00.005-05:00

Dear BHB's:
This is not a question really, merely a statement: "Thank you." Your blog, "Let Them Eat Cake" was in response to my question. It made me laugh, and helped me to let go of the situation. And guess what? My ungrateful relative finally, finally sent me a brief thank you e-mail for the work I did for them. I feel vindicated. Good timing too, actually. I had just gone to the grocery store for a box of Betty Crocker! There is birthday coming up in my family, and I get to be the cake baker. Muhahahahahahaha! OK, just kidding. All is well. Anyway, just thought I should practice what I preach and say thanks to you Babes, too.
Used But at Least Psedo-Appreciated

Dear Cake Baker,
As they say in polite society, "You're Welcome!"

All's Fair in Love and Whore

2008-02-21T13:30:00.003-05:00

Dear BHBs:
I have the hots for a guy. He and I are just friends at this point, but he flirts with me. He just started dating someone else, so it's not serious yet. I want to steal him away from her. How do I make him my friend with benefits?
Hot to Trot

Dear Hot to Tart:
We suppose you have to figure out what you really want out of this. If he be not married, then TECHNICALLY he's still fair game. However, there are feelings to be considered on three accounts: yours, his, and his new pseudo-girlfriend's. Are they steady? Is he free to date others at this point? Do you want him as a real boyfriend, or simply for the random booty call?

You say he is not serious with the new gal just yet. If that is the case, then we believe you may without guilt continue to flirt and be mysterious and sexy and taunt him until he must hunt you down and make you his woman. If he is somebody's boyfriend, then leave him be! OK, so maybe he's not married; but do you really want to be the "other woman"? Ethel has certainly been there and done that on several occasions and it is really not fun. As the "other woman" you may experience a brief euphoria of power, but that quickly fades as you realize that you cannot really have what you want from your lover. He will be divided in his affections, and so too will you, as you will both love and hate yourself. Then, of course, you will have always that nagging realization (should you actually manage to steal him away from his girlfriend) that you know he is a cheater (and so are you) and that neither of you can really ever trust one another. Ethel's been there and done that too. It is yucky.

As to making him your "friend with benefits," that is very simple. Just invite him over to your pad and have sex with him. Even if you are lousy in bed, few men would say "no" to free and easy sex. Just don't expect a relationship. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

We're Sorry Sweetie - Here's a Wipe.

2008-02-19T23:57:00.006-05:00

Dear TheAnswerMan.com:
My boyfriend told me that he thinks he is becoming more mature because before he used to want a good looking girlfriend but now that is not so important to him. Personality is more important for him now. Then he told me I wasn't so good looking - about 6 or 7 out of 10. But he said he really likes my personality. How should I feel?

Dear 7 of 10:
We think you should feel depressed about dating a douchebag.

Let us elaborate. Yes, it is more mature to judge an entire person rather than just by a pretty face or nice pair of tits. Announcing it, however, is douchey. We’re sorry you got covered in his nasty, sticky self-congratulatory goo. Don’t just sit there with it all over your face! Here's a towel.

There are few perfect 10s in the world, and even they are completely in the eye of the beholder! Lucy likes Manly Men and Ethel likes Pretty Boys, and who is to say which is wrong or right? Your boy thinks you are a 6 or 7. Another might think you are a 9. The more you get to know and love someone, their out-of-10 points go up accordingly.

It’s up to you whether or not you want to stick with Mister Mature. From our end, it sounds like his personality points are headed South fast. Feel proud that you have that great personality (because it is more important), and think about whether you want a boy who rates you a "6 or 7" and clinically spews goo on you wrapped in a faux compliment. We are anti-goo.

Lost in Translation

2008-02-19T12:27:00.001-05:00

What makes you think your so great to think you can solve peoples problems anyway?

We have mastered the basics of grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Oh, please allow us to translate for you, “We knows real good how too rite stuff and peoples got problems and your write we are grate.”

Let Them Eat Cake

2008-02-18T14:04:00.002-05:00

Dear BHBs:
I recently did a favor to help a relative, spending several hours helping them out on something they had to write. I didn't mind doing it at all. I e-mailed it off to them and after a week have heard nothing back. Not anything saying they got it, or a thank you or anything. I wrote to them, asking if they at least got what I sent (and what I worked so hard on), and once again have heard nothing. Am I a mean person to feel annoyed that I didn't at least get a thanks for helping, even if they hated what I did?
Signed, Used (and Abused)?

Dear Used (and Abused):
We are reminded forcibly of the tale of Chloe the slave at the Myrtles Plantation. Chloe was a house servant purportedly forced into sexual relations with the master. But did the Master appreciate Chloe? Apparently not. He dumped her for another slave and had Chloe’s ear chopped off. That’s gratitude for you. Chloe began sporting a turban to hide her injury. Oh, but there’s more! Because she feared that she would be sent out of the house and made to work in the fields, and perhaps because she just wanted to be appreciated, she concocted a scheme to prove just how valuable a house servant she was. She baked a cake for the Master’s little girls and added a special secret ingredient--poisonous Oleander leaves. It seems Chloe may have intended to make the kiddies ill in order that she might nurse them back to health again (since she knew the remedy for the Oleander), thereby proving her worth as a house servant and finally being APPRECIATED! Oops. Too much Oleander. Bugger. The little girls and the Master’s wife died. Ouch. Chloe got lynched. The end. And to think, if only someone had treated Chloe with a little respect there may have been a slightly happier ending to the story. OK, maybe not that happy, since slavery totally sucks. Sounds to us like you are being treated in a servile fashion; however, unlike poor Chloe, you are free to do something about it. We suggest simply enough, that you do not volunteer your time or services to the ungrateful parties ever again. Period. Do not expect a “thank you” from them for your past efforts, just accept that you cannot force someone to have good manners--and let it go. And bake them a cake. Yes, a cake would be just the thing.

The Keywords to Our Hearts

2008-02-14T17:47:00.001-05:00

Dear Readers:

Thanks for reading the Brutally Honest Babes! We give you mucho mucho love on this V-day!

We also have love for our keywords – random searches put into the internets which somehow lead readers to us (or page hits at least). (* Shout-out to Bonnie Gillespie, who first showed her readers the fun search phrases which lead to her site. We’re totally stealing your idea, but at least we said thanks!)

Top Keyword Searches Leading to Brutally Honest Babes:

1. Slutty Gowns
HA! This entry inspired us to write this post. Dare we hope several young women who typed this into the Googles might read our post against slutty gowns and decide to search for “Classy Gowns” instead? Dare… Dare!

2. Wife Eater
We can only hope this is some fun allusion to oral sex, in which we are thoroughly in-favor, as opposed to some nasty “I ate her kidney with some fava beans and a nice chianti” search.

3. Babes in Leggings
This is an oxymoron, as no one is a babe in leggings.

4. Honest Babes
The only true babes are honest ones, wethinks.

5. Brutally Honest Babes
You know our name! Squee!

6. Mr. Irresistible Erotic Story
Um… we wanna know what page they were hoping for, so we can go there, too.

7. Babes.be\
Hmmm.

8. Sexy Honest Babes
Oh, stop! You’re making us blush!

9. Fugly Prom Dresses
Perhaps some fashion student writing a “How to Get Bai Ling to Buy Your Dress” paper?

10. Babes Look
Another Hmmm. Kinda a crappy one on which to end.

We’ll add a bonus, just to end on a fun note.

Bonus: “lucy a lot like ethel but without the camel toe”

If that doesn’t make you smile, there’s something wrong with you.

One Fish, Two Fish, Raw Fish, Ew, Fish!

2008-02-13T22:36:00.002-05:00

Dear BHBs:
I hate fish. I have been invited to a chic private party catered by a fairly well known Sushi chef. Other than rice and dessert, I don’t know what I’m going to eat; or how to make it look like I am enjoying the Sushi without being rude by barfing accidentally into a potted plant. I have to attend this party. My job depends on it. I also have to look moderately cool, because all the cool people eat Sushi.

Dear Crabby Roll:
This is clearly a case of fake it to make it. If it’s a sit-down dinner party, we think you are in deep doo-doo, because there is little chance you can not eat. In that event, you either need to put on your big-girl panties and suck it (i.e. the fish) up or boldly state your new-found vegetarianism to weasel out. But then you have to be a veggie in public forever. Your choice.

If it’s more of a mingling thing, try this strategy:

1. Eat before you get there, so you are not starving.

2. Take a cocktail early, and hang onto it or one like it all night so you have something in your hands.

3. Take a piece of sushi occasionally (always a piece of Nigiri-sushi, slices of fish on pads of rice), but talk a lot so you can just hold it attractively.

4. When you must eat so as to not appear weird, put the food (on a napkin) up to your mouth and eat only the rice while rolling the fish surreptitiously in the napkin. Dump the napkin at the first opportunity.

5. If they have California rolls (i.e. rolls with veggies or cooked fish), eat those often.

You should be able to make it through the night this way. If you wear a smashing dress with lots of cleavage, perhaps this can distract onlookers.

Do not barf in a plant. Do it in the bathroom after dinner like all the other cool girls.

Once a Zbornak, Always a Zbornak

2008-02-12T22:54:00.003-05:00

Dear BHBs:
My sister’s ex-boyfriend (they’ve been broken up for 3 years now) has the hots for me. He just got a job next door to my office, and occasionally I run into him on lunch break. He has asked me out twice now, and twice I have come up with lame excuses. He’s really cute, and I think we even have a little chemistry. I want to go out with him, but am afraid of causing “bad blood” between me and my sis. Should I go for it?

Dear Shady Sister:
Whether they broke up three years or one tearful month ago, the ex is off limits. She is your sister, and that’s just too important a bond to break.

When Dorothy Zbornak’s sister Gloria slept with her loser ex-husband Stan, Dorothy was understandably enraged, hurling insightful insults as only Bea Arthur can. We know this because we totally watch The Golden Girls every night at 10pm. (What, you don’t?) Stan is the bald, aging, novelty-salesman loser to end all losers, but he was still Dorothy’s ex, and Gloria should have kept her hands off. She realized this at the end, and the sisters had a heartwarming moment during a hurricane. Also during that episode, we learned from Blanche that during an emergency, hoarding the foodstuffs and selling it back to people at a ridiculous markup is a great way to make cash.

Really, is there anything The Golden Girls can’t teach us?

Bitch Slap of Common Sense Trifecta!

2008-02-11T21:58:00.000-05:00

We’re not sure what’s more sad… that these question askers went to a website to ask these questions or that they couldn’t figure out the answer for themselves. Presenting… more Bitch Slap of Common Sense!

Upon reading a Bitch Slap of Common Sense post, the question asker is directed to slap their forehead hard and examine why they do not have the sense the Good Lord gave them. Slap may be administered by a friend as well. We encourage that.

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
I have the following symptoms: 1.There are blisters and sores on left hand and elbow. 2.There are feeings of hot or warm sensations in my hand but it is normal to the touch. 3.I also suffer extreme pain and weakness in this hand. 4. In addition, I experience extreme temperature changes in this hand too. 5. Sometimes I do have chills.
Need Help

Dear Needs More Help Than They Know:
Call a doctor.

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
WHEN MY CAR IS IN IDOL OR IN PARK IT HAS DIED. IT HAS ONLY DONE THIS THREE TIMES AND NOT CONSECUTIVE. ANY IDEAS AS TO WHAT MIGHT BE THE PROBLEM?

Dear Your Car Actually Idles:
Call a mechanic.

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
If my father, a non-US resident wishes to gift me with money to pay off my mortgage, am I liable to pay taxes? Is there an allowance so I do not have to pay tax for the gift? Thanks!

Dear Audit Waiting to Happen:
Call an accountant.

PS: Anyone wanna guess what Contestant #1 has? Since he asked us? Lucy guesses... Scabies!

You're a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot.

2008-02-10T21:42:00.000-05:00

Dear BHBs:
I work in an environment where a person with few skills but large ego has now schmoozed himself into a slightly elevated position over me. I want him to die. Other than actually committing murder, how can I ensure that he will leave me the hell alone? Forever?

Dear Workin’ 9 to 5:
It’s called “Skinny and Sweet”, my dear. Heh heh heh.

Oh wait! You don’t want him to die! Oh. Well that’s less interesting.

Lucy’s dad always says that everyone is promoted to one level past their competency, and it’s usually true. Most of these idiots make up for their lack of skill, interest, brains or wit by being boors. We’re sorry this has happened to you!

We could tell you something like just ignore him, keep doing a good job yourself, you can't control him but you can control how you react to him. Blah blah blah. None of that is fun.

Get something on him. Something provable. Something with a photo. Let him know you have this thing, but will not use it as long as he keeps you out of his douchebag scope. You must keep your own nose clean, however, because if he has pictures of you pilfering the office’s store of White-Out, then this technique will not work. Yes, we know it smells good... but buy your own!

Even Yoda Farts

2008-02-07T22:14:00.000-05:00

Dear BHBs:
My boyfriend’s dog farts incessantly. It’s gross. He’s a sweet dog, but I can’t stand to spend any time at my boyfriend’s pad because of the stink. I try to encourage my boyfriend to spend more time at my place, or else take me OUT out, but when he wants some sexy time he inSTINKtively wants to drag me back to his cave. How do I keep my boyfriend happy, and keep my nostrils happy too?

Dear We Fart in Your General Direction!:
Wow. We sort of know nothing about dog farts, except that they can peel the paint off walls. But that’s what Al Gore’s internet is for!

Friendly internet strangers with no expertise whatsoever have suggested putting a dessert spoon sized dab of natural plain yogurt in each of his meals. This yogurt acts as a probiotic; yogurt with Lactobacillus Acidophilus is best. Probiotics are dietary supplements containing potentially beneficial bacteria or yeasts. There. Don’t we sound all science-y and stuff?

Seeing as it’s his dog, you have to get him to administer the anti-cut-cheese meds. Which means you get to play every girl’s fun game – make him think it was his idea so he thinks he’s brilliant. Because if you suggest it once, you’re a dog-hating nag. See, men think farts are funny, and they can be surely, sometimes. But they delight in cutting one under the covers and holding you under, for example. So, he will not be as concerned with the issue as you are. Maybe declaring that “fart house” doesn’t make you want to “play house” every time he wants to get busy will hammer the message home that he needs to do something about puppy.

Another suggestion: You could suddenly get a craving for nasty plain yogurt every time you are there, just happen to have some with you, and let doggie lick it off your spoon.

Lastly, other internet strangers suggest a lamb/ rice mix food is better for a sensitive dog tummy and can help control the gas flow. Buy Mr. Stinkerino a bag of this food as a gift because you looove him so much! This will not only help Farty McGhee, but boyfriend will give you mad props for the doggie love.

Really, only a vet can tell you why he farts so much, but the relatively benign ideas above might help without a trip to the vet.

We’ll end our flatulence-filled post with some fun facts on farts! When we googled “facts on farts” we actually found “Facts on Farts” (!) by Brenna Lorenz. Among them:

* Fart sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening!

* On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts!

And...

* The butt is the location of the anus in humans, and by definition, a fart is an anal escape of intestinal gas. We should be grateful that we are not crinoids. The crinoid is a marine creature with a U-shaped gut, and its anus is located next to its mouth.

So, gentle reader, be glad that you are not a crinoid! 'Cause that's nasty.

I Don't Know What Your Problem is... We Love Getting Set Up with Creepy Men Against Our Wills!

2008-02-06T22:38:00.000-05:00

Dear BHBs:
How do I make people believe me when I tell them I’m not really looking for a guy? How's that for a question? I'm almost 30 years old, and due to an... interesting... childhood, I guess you could say I’m developmentally stunted. Or just a late bloomer. I didn't even start LOOKING at guys until high school, and even then I wasn't really interested. NOW... well, I guess I’m sort of interested in the idea of a relationship (or maybe it's just that a second income sounds REALLY GOOD), but not enough to put forth any effort. I'm not the sort of girl who's attracted to anyone based on their looks. He'd have to open his mouth AND he'd have to avoid saying anything obnoxious for at least the first few minutes.

Yet every single person that I speak to wants to "help me" get a guy. Or they "know this great guy". Or they point out every single flipping man I walk past in the grocery store. I have friends who run up to strange men and ask if they're single "for me". I don't care if they're single. I don't care about them at all. I just want to buy my groceries.

You know what I REALLY hate? When I tell people I don't date, they almost invariably ask if I’m a lesbian. Lesbians DATE, people, they just don't date MEN.

Is there a polite way to get everyone off my back?

Dear Awesome Lady:
Woot! You better preach sista! There are so many excellent points in your question, we’re kinda wondering why you even need us? You sound like a very together chick.

First of all, Late Bloomer sounds way better than Developmentally Stunted, so we’ll go with that. We were semi-late bloomers as well, with neither of us dating for real until college. You’re not alone! Our criteria in men has always included “don’t say stupid shit” too – as well as “don’t do stupid shit”. You don’t have to justify your method of dating or not – you are Queen of your world and you can rule it as you see fit!

But onto your question – how to stop the busy-bodies? We think you need a sit down with the parties in question. Address the situation in a friendly setting, and not when they are pushing some dumbass in your face. Tell them look, this is simply not cool anymore – I love you as my friends, but I do NOT want what you are selling. Tell them you really are a happy and contented person, but that you appreciate the fact that they want to help you. Their annoying busyness is really just a sign that they care, and it should be addressed as such. If they ultimately do not respect your wishes after this talk, then you have to evaluate whether you want these folks as friends (i.e. if this boorish behavior is a deal breaker in your relationship).

As for the lesbian question – we have a foolproof response to impertinent and douchbaggy questions. The next time someone asks you if you are a lesbian – ask them in turn, “Why do you ask?” Make them explain to you why they are prying into your personal life without invitation. Just stand there with a big smile on your face and be silent as they struggle to explain themselves, and then never answer their question. If they really persist, a nice “That’s none of your business” or a “Why, are you gay?” will suffice.

PS – You should start grocery shopping alone. Grocery shopping is annoying enough without the man-parade included!

A Flaming Bag of Poo Always Helps

2008-02-05T21:35:00.000-05:00

Dear BHBs:
What is a nice way of letting two pain-in-the-ass volunteers go while minimizing the risk of backlash? (These are people who are overly critical and don't do much work themselves).

Dear In a Voluntizzy:
We had to tag team such a delicate question. Lucy and Ethel chime in – with help from a very special guest! *Drum Roll Please!* Meet Lucy’s Mom, our first and most loyal reader, when she remembers our URL. She has a particular talent for dealing with interesting volunteers….

Lucy: Well, Ladies! How do we tell two useless, bitchy people to screw off without saying screw off?

Ethel: A flaming bag of poo on their porches?

Lucy: Well, if they are this annoying, they might not know from whom the poo tolls!

Ethel: Indeed.

Lucy’s Mom: The problem with idiot volunteers is that they drive away good ones! All you have to do is look on the faces of the other people and you know.

Lucy: Excellent point, Mum!

Ethel: We can’t let them lose all their good peeps.

Lucy’s Mom: I say just start to cut their hours. Most volunteers have a certain schedule. Call them the day before they are to show up. Tell them that you have a great new volunteer (or two) who can only work at the exact time/ dates they usually do. You’re so sorry, but you must reschedule them. Over time, slowly cut their hours more and more until they leave you or you phase them out completely.

Ethel: Yes! And if they ever ask you about it – deny!

Lucy: Run away!

Ethel: Run away!

Lucy: My first thought was to begin giving them the most horrible jobs you can, isolating the two of them from everyone else.

Ethel: If you’re in an office environment, send them out for coffee or to run all your errands, have them spend an eternity filing or alphabetizing. Have them format boring financial spreadsheets ‘till they can’t see straight.

Lucy: If it’s some kind of people or animal volunteering thing, make them clean the bathrooms or the dumpster, or shovel shit all day! A couple of days of cat vomit will take the spring out of their step!

Ethel: That’s evil.

Lucy: Yes.

Ethel: That’s why I like it!

Lucy’s Mom: You two never change. You’re still like you were as teenagers, except now you have booze.

Lucy: And this is bad how?

Lucy’s Mom: It’s not bad. I like booze, too.

Lucy: Awwwww! I love bonding with Mom over liquor.

Lucy’s Mom: Getting back to the question, dips... you could use the two together – phase out their hours while at the same time filling their remaining time with the most vile tasks.

Ethel: Nice. Well, gentle reader, we hope this helps rid your wonderful organization of assholes.

Lucy: And that you didn’t mind our poopie-filled answer.

Ethel: I still like the flaming bag of poo answer.

Lucy: Why not do that, too?

Ethel: Yes - when you care enough to send the very best!

Have Another Cocktail, Boozehound

2008-01-30T22:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Too Real Women: So, I am at a New Years party drinking a glass of red wine and you guessed it……I accidentally spilt some on the, yes, off-white carpet. There was a gasp from everyone around me, then a silence. I just wanted to be swallowed up by the now wine stained carpet but no such luck. I just stood there stammering apologizes while the hosts tried to clean it up. They were kind about the whole thing but what should I do now? Offer to have it cleaned, send flowers or just forget the whole thing?

Dear Clumsy Lush:
Ha ha ha! Just kidding! Once Lucy vomited in the middle of a shop when she had the flu. Vomit – way worse than wine.

Were you at a party in California? Because we swear, those people have no sense of humor. Gasping, indeed. We're glad the hosts were nice at least. Surely they knew they had off-white carpet when they served the red wine, savvy?

Shit happens. Yes, you could send some flowers with a note offering to pay to clean the rug. More than likely they will decline the offer, but you’ll have made their day. Flowers make it all better. Well, not all. If you had run over their dog in a ghastly, drunken Vespa accident, flowers probably wouldn’t have helped. But you only ruined their expensive and irreplaceable off-white carpet with your liquor-filled shenanigans. Just kidding again! Aren't we just the dickens?

How Much Wood Would a Wood Chuck Chuck?

2008-01-30T22:03:00.000-05:00

AskJohnQ.com: Someone once told mee [sic] that "never leave the one you love for the one that you want because the one you want may not be the one that you love". But what if the one that you love isn't what you want?

Advice Haiku:
You make my head hurt
Opinions are like assholes
Don't ever date me

Why Not Take Both?

2008-01-28T18:10:00.000-05:00

Dear BHBs:
I recently started dating someone. He's very nice, but I've found myself very attracted to one of his friends. The feeling is mutual. I don't want to hurt him, but I should be true to myself. I have to end the relationship, but do I have a right to then see his friend or should I deny myself? It's so hard to meet people that you connect with. I don't want to pass him up.
Help!

Dear Help!:
This is all so exciting! We’re married and boring so this doesn’t happen to us. Wait, let us turn up the radio…

“Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules”

You rule-breaker you. Some of these lyrics are downright dirty (i.e. “There's just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill”.) Sounds like you want Bachelor #2 to “fill your empty place” (hee!) and who can blame you?

There are two separate issues it seems to us. First, let Bachelor #1 down gently. Just end it, without long explanations about Bachelor #2 or whatever. Second, approach Bachelor #2 once you are officially single. Dating his friend’s ex is really more of an issue for him to come to terms with and make a decision about. As Mary Macgregor tells us:

“I couldn't really blame you if you turned and walked away
But with everything I feel inside, I'm asking you to stay”

He may or may not date you. He may choose his friendship over you. Or maybe he and his friend swap the ladies all the time in a kinky sex orgy in which you may or may not want to participate. But you won’t know until you pursue him and find out. Just know that you may end up with an empty place if Bachelor #2 denies you.

Be Not Thee a Whore… at Prom.

2008-01-26T19:45:00.000-05:00

Lucy here my lovelies! As Edith and I were giggling like fools in Florida, annoying my parents, and undertaking a particularly horrible try at finger waving our hair so that we could be 20s starlets, we perused the Prom issue of Comso Girl. Upon feasting our eyes on the ugly and slutty “gowns” offered therein, we decided to create a new regular feature “Be Not Thee a Whore”. This is the second non-whore plea we have offered to the Universe – the first being our highly popular post “Unsolicited Advice: Don’t Dress Little Caitlin like a Whore for Halloween”. It received 3 whole comments – some kid of record, we’re sure!

We shall address several of the Terribly Trampy Trends for our nonexistent teenage girl readers.

Terribly Trampy Trend The First: Lamb Dressed as Mutton

This dress has many fatal flaws (pepto pink anyone? *shudder*), but the first we see is how old it makes her look!

Do you really want to look like the neighborhood cougar at 18?

Be young and fresh while you can. Those years of boozing it up will catch up with you before you know it anyway.

Terribly Trampy Trend The Second: Neon Nightmare

Neon is a don’t in formal wear.

Enough said.

Terribly Trampy Trend The Third: Now We Love Leopard as Much as the Next Girl...

…but it’s cheesy at Prom.

Too much print, too trampy, and with a baby-poo brown train? The words escape us.

Oh, and she looks old in it, too. Cougar and Leopard. Too many animals for one girl.

Terribly Trampy Trend The Fourth: Cover Up the Cooter!

It’s a little hard to fathom that the biggest trend we saw in fugly prom dresses was the cooter.

Perhaps the dress is designed for multi-purpose use… prom one day; gynecologist the next!

We blame Paris, Perez and Britney. If you wear a gown like this, your vagina will hang out (and to clear up any confusion – that is a bad thing.) Dancing, walking, getting out of the limo… it’s Howdy Cooty time.

What parental unit would allow this dress? It boggles the mind.

Girls, you are a whore in this dress. Please, please, please don’t. Really. Have love for your vag – she loves you! This is no way to treat her.

The moral of the story is: a little mystery goes a long way. Have some respect for yourself and don’t be a whore at Prom. Or anywhere. But for today, we’ll settle for Prom.

She Was Beautiful, Except for the Hemorrhoids

2008-01-26T14:36:00.000-05:00

Gentle Readers, we here at BHBs have been tres lazy again, not posting.

Lucy went to visit Ethel and, well, there was a whole lot more giggling-like-drunk-teenagers-and-reading-crappy-romance-novels than let's-be-serious-and-blog-like-good-girls. We're only human after all.

But we did spend a lot of time brainstorming new ideas for world domination. At least there's that!

Unsolicited Advice: The Power of Smug Compels You!

2008-01-15T15:20:00.000-05:00

I, Lucy, live in Los Angeles. Land of the La La, and home to the smuggest bitches in the world.

As I currently sit in a Web of Smug, I feel stabby thinking about the smug-and-runners who left me trying to clean off their sticky shame goo. I’m just trying to take a lunch order, ladies. I don’t need your fucking body issues!

Yes, I know you work out daily. I hear you discussing it for about 4 hours a day. I rarely hear you speak of anything else. It’s really interesting to hear all about it, every day. “You know?! I just need to eat Health-eeeeee!!!!!!! I can’t eat that stuff!!!!” OK. “No, thanks, I don’t need to order,” would have sufficed. You just can’t resist the urge to tell me about how wonderful and health-eeeee you are, can you? I’ll just look away when I see you inhale that box of chocolates.

And you, size 0 who sits and eats plates of raw vegetables every day. “I don’t order from restaurants because I gain weight easily.” Yeah. Bitch, I’ve seen you at restaurants, sucking down glass after glass of wine like you breathe through liquor gills. Oh, and you eat too. Bad food. Real food. A “No, thank you,” would have sufficed. I’m not interested in your issues and your pretend distain for restaurants that you go to all the time except for today, when you smugly inform me that you don’t do that.

I can’t keep up with the self-delusional rules, everyone. Things are, or they are not. Look, I’m a person who sometimes eats healthy, and sometimes I vacuum up some pad thai because it’s awesome. But I don’t pretend about it. I don’t smug-and-run the person who is just fucking trying to order lunch.

I don’t want your life story. I think it’s way more boring than mine anyway, since mine involves fun food and great sex.

Overlords: 1, Underlings: 0

2008-01-11T13:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Cubicle Coach (Marie Claire): I hope this doesn't sound arrogant, but it's hard to take my boss seriously, respect her, or follow her directions — basically because I'm smarter than she is. Thoughts?

Dear Smarty Pants:
Being superior intellects ourselves, we feel you. We feel you in our own lives, and every time Dubya speaks. Lucy’s dad always says that people are promoted to one level beyond their competency, and it’s true.

Although feeling superior is such a nice, fuzzy feeling, it doesn’t really help you. You can’t do anything about your boss’ lack of brainpower. The only thing you can control is what you do and how you feel. Concentrate on your job and doing it well, and stop thinking about how much smarter you are then everyone else. It’s not arrogant so much to know you are smarter, because facts are facts, but to dwell on it and be too smug to do your job, well that’s douchey. Keep doing a great job, and maybe you’ll be her boss someday!

Besides, if we went around thinking about how many IQ points we have on the Leader of the Free World, then our brains might melt.

Sob! Why, Oh Why Didn't We Meet You First?

2008-01-08T17:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Too Real Women:
My female boss has invited me out for dinner. She says that it is to thank me for landing a big client. I’m a single guy and she has kind of flirted with me in the past. How can I make sure that the dinner is all business, as I don’t want to be dessert?

Dear Mr. Irresistible:
Alas, I’m sure there is nothing whatsoever you can do. You must bed her like the stallion you are! Your clear charm and erotic male-ness leap off the interwebs and into our hearts! We are damp with passion just thinking about you, and we are sure she cannot possibly resist you.

Some might say that her “flirting” with you might just be a nice effort to create a worktime happy place for all that you are possibly misinterpreting, but not us. She’s a little woman, so all she really wants is to land a big client-getter like you, quit the better job she has, and have babies to coo at. I’m sure all the women you encounter are the same.

Do try to let her down easy. We double dog dare you. Open the dinner by clarifying the no-sex ground rules. She’ll love the manly and assertive way you have handled the situation. We promise.

An engagement ring on the first date? Pushy!

2008-01-04T16:24:00.000-05:00

Dear BHBs:
I just started to date on the internet. I've been texting and talking on the phone with someone for a few weeks. He seems very nice. He texted me on Christmas and New Year's with very sweet message, but I felt a little pressured since we haven't met. Last night we set up a day to finally meet in person and he told me that he got me a little present. Am I over-reacting or is he being too pushy. After our coffee date, I could discover that I'm not attracted to him, but I almost feel an obligation to him now because he's invested so much.

SOS!
[Name Redacted]

Dear Mystery Person Who’s Name We Took Out Because Well We Did:

Hmmmmmmm! We want to know what the present is!! If…

A. It’s a funny button or something that eludes to a witty conversation you two had about how you think Ellen Degeneres is a freak and so this button totally reminds him of that, than we say neat! He listens and thinks Ellen Degeneres is a freak, too. You’re made for each other!

B. It’s a “Faces of Death” DVD he got you because you mentioned your great-grandfather died in a tragic tractor / manure accident and there’s a guy in it who also dies (on camera!) in a tragic tractor / manure accident… than… EWWWW and run away!

So, as you can see, we think it entirely depends on the “little gift”. Think of it as one more clue for you to use to determine if he’s a Tom, Dick or Scary. You are over-reacting a bit, in our learned opinion, and he may not be too pushy (again, depends on gift. A box of condoms? Pushy! A flower? Sweet.)

Whatever the little gift is, you are not obligated to either accept it or another date just because he voluntarily spent money on you. You are in charge of your density! Go, date, and be choosy!

Bitch Slap of Common Sense!

2008-01-01T15:33:00.000-05:00

To ring in the New Year, here at Brutally Honest Babes we are going to inaugurate a new feature: the Bitch Slap of Common Sense. Upon reading a Bitch Slap of Common Sense post, the question asker is directed to slap their forehead hard and examine why they do not have the sense the Good Lord gave them. Slap may be administered by a friend as well. We encourage that.

From Ask JohnQ.com: We have a lady in our church that is always fanning herself the problem is she does not realize that as she is doing this she is also fanning the people sitting around her. One day my wife's arm was ice cold from this lady fanning herself. I feel sorry for her that she is always so hot but how can I politely tell her that she is making other people cold with her fanning? I don't want to hurt her feelings but she does sit near us quite often and the cold wind is very uncomfortable. Please help.

Dear You Can Hear The Fanning Wind In-Between Your Ears, Can’t You?

Sit somewhere else.

Unsolicited Advice: Babes Don’t Let Babes Look Stumpy

2007-12-30T21:27:00.000-05:00

As Old Man ’07 sputters in his hospital bed and increases his morphine drip, we beseech both you faithful readers to let certain trends die right along with him. It seems silly to have to point this out, but women should enjoy making themselves look pretty. However, as we see whenever we leave our Brutally Honest House every day, this simply isn’t so. Let us embrace 2008 as the Year of Pretty and forget these shameful examples of 2007’s ugly overload.

DIE DIE DIE trend #1: Unless you are Russell Crowe, just say no!

Gladiator sandals are a no. They are flat, make the leg look stumpy, and are fugly fugly no matter how many cute dresses you pair them with.

Is a striped tan something you really need? Did you think to yourself, “What this outfit needs is more Manliness!” when you got dressed this morning? We thought not.

Don’t do it ladies. Repeat after us, “What this outfit needs is some cute baby-doll heels to accentuate my butt and elongate my leg!”

Doesn’t that feel good?

DIE DIE DIE trend #2: You can’t spell Uggly without Ugg.

We don’t even want to hear the C word. There are many comfortable shoes – trainers, flats, kitten heels to name a few. There is no reason on God’s Holy Beautiful Earth to put on pair of Uggs.

They do not look cute with anything. No, not anything. We hear you thinking, “But they look cute with my…” NO! No No No! They do not look cute with anything! You look stumpy in them, no matter how long your legs are. If your legs are short, just turn around and go home because you now resemble a waddling daschund.

UGLY! STUMPY!! UGGGGGGG!!! OK… must… calm… down.

Really. The BHBs have your best interests at heart. Throw away the Uggs.

PS: This is your first and only warning. If we ever see you in pajama pants and Uggs, we may hit you. It’s a reflex - one we don’t care to try and stop.

DIE DIE DIE trend #3: Leggings make us stabby.

Many great things came out of the 1980s.

The Golden Girls.
Margaret Thatcher.
The Pet Shop Boys.

Many terrible things were spawned in the 1980s.

The Le Car.
Chernobyl.
And Leggings.

We hate leggings with an unholy fury normally only reserved for Hitler and asshole ex-boyfriends. They are not pants. They should not go under dresses. See all the ranting about stumpiness above and substitute “leggings” for “Uggs”.

Do any of you think this is attractive? Even the model looks bad in them. They create camel toe. Many times, they have nasty cheap lace at the bottom. They are not pants! They are evil and ugly and they died once, to the relief of all mankind. And they lead to tragedy…

...we actually saw stirrup pants in a copy of Vogue.

NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

You wouldn’t embrace any life advice Lindsay Lohan might give you, would you? Then don’t dress like her either! BURN THE LEGGINGS!

We hope these friendly and only slightly vehement fashion tips have helped you to see the light. Be kind to your bottom half – embrace the pretty in 2008!

But I Usually Have Such Good Luck with Online Psychics!

2007-12-28T00:04:00.000-05:00

From Ask JohnQ.com: I recently consulted this online psychic and she told me that to solve a problem I would need to give a deposit of $1000 dollars and I would get it back in three days and return she sent me these crystals. Its been 2 weeks and I haven’t gotten my deposit back and cannot get in touch with her as she does not answer her phone. The money was transferred through western union and there was no receipt. I know this might be difficult but is there anyway that I could get my money back?

Dear I Hope You Like Your New $1000 Psychic Crystals:
*Ahem* We didn’t want to mention it right away in our advice column, but we here at Brutally Honest Babes are also Pcertified Psychics ©. We work for cheap wine, vintage clothes and Big Macs. We’re certain you have already sent your payment, so we’ll get right to it.

We don’t have a crystal ball, but Ethel has a dream book we like. Your personal troubles stem from a complete lack of common sense and possibly a chronic case of Pstupdity ©. You should invest your next $1000 in a shrink to help in problem solving, or possibly a therapeutic shopping trip involving Cynthia Rowley dresses and a shiny new Rabbit Pearl. You already know you’ve been taken. File a police report – bring all e-mail communication, Western Union account information, etc. to the police when you file. There’s a tiny minuscule chance they will catch this person, but in reality you should kiss your money goodbye. Damn online psychics ain’t what they used to be. Except for us, of course.

The moral of the story is – DON’T SEND $1000 TO A STRANGER OVER THE INTERNET. Sorry about the yelling – but you brought it on yourself.

Wow. We got through that without calling you a dumb shit once! Yay us.

Country Mouse/City Mouse

2007-12-16T15:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
This question has a few parts, so I hope I get it right and clear. Anyway, I'm a 24 year old single with a degree and a fairly successful job in The City. However, two years ago I met a guy on an online dating site. He's a Country Boy and a nurse practitioner. We had one date and I ended up moving to Asia for a job. Well, I've been back for some time now and though he lives 2.5 hours away (in the COUNTRY!) I have driven out to see him several times. The first time I went, it was heaven. The
second time he was offish and I was distracted going off to a conference from work and it wasn't so good. I was ready to throw in the towel, but last weekend I went to see him again. The weekend was amazing, he took me out to meet his parents and slowly I'm beginning to think this City Girl might have to learn some Country ways. He said he loves every moment we spend together and that I make him smile. Anyway, the biggest issue is now I keep going to see him and he has yet to come to see me. He tells me he's interested, he's just very busy, and assures me he will come to The City as soon as he can. Still, I know he has some weekends free and still does not come. Do you think it's a sign he's not as serious as I am? But how do I interpret meeting his parents? And how does a City girl turn into a Country girl, or at least how is she sure that living in the Country won't drive her insane? Should I even be worrying about this yet? Anyway, just wondering about your thoughts.
-Sitting in the City

Dear Sitting in the City,
The country has its charms, and we understand the desire to haul yer wagon two and a half hours away for a roll in the hay with a strapping farm boy! However; this rural swain of yorn must know all about courtin’ by now. He may be plowin’ yer field while he’s playin’ the field. Sounds to us like y’all are not exclusive just yet, and if the almanac we’ve been consultin’ is correct, you’d better let him do a might more towards winning your affection. He has got to put in some work, or he just won’t appreciate the relationship as much!

It is lovely that you were able to meet his parents, though that seems to have come about rather quickly. It was a test, we think, to see if you can live up to Mama’s standards before he invests too much into you. Now that you’ve passed said test (we hope!), he ought to be a bit more keen to impress you. Sit tight and let him, no MAKE him, come to you. Country boys and city boys have something in common. They are both hunters at heart. Run away! (OK, no need to go all the way back to Asia) Sit tight in the city until his testicles descend and he becomes brave enough to face the perils of your world for a change. You are worth the chase! If he is not willing to put in a bit of effort to see you, do you really want him all that much?

Do you always want to feel that little nagging in the back of your mind that you tried too hard and he didn’t try hard enough? Both of us babes have been there and done that and it sucks. If he wants you now, he will want you even more if you can manage to be a bit coy. It’s give and take. Sounds like it’s your turn to take for a spell. As to the differences in your upbringing and lifestyle, one of us Babes is married to a bona fide country man. We have certainly experienced our share of culture shock, but have found that our differences can be overcome and even celebrated through diplomacy.

Think of the two of you as being from different countries, and enjoy experiencing his way of life as you share yours with him. If you wind up taking the old “shotgun wedding” route, consider compromising and both move to the suburbs!

Even the Snarky Require Rest

2007-12-13T00:47:00.000-05:00

The BHBs have been on a small vacation, Dears. We have questions in store and many goodly things! We'll be back....

How many ways can the BHBs say, "Dump Him"?

2007-11-25T21:43:00.000-05:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Consum-mate.com:
This guy I have been dating for six months always makes it a point that we take turns paying. I don’t mind taking turns, but hate the way he emphasizes it. When it is his turn to pay, he has already planned what we will do on our date. Sometimes I have reasons I can’t go out the day I get paid. When this happens, he will say something like; "you just don’t want to go because it is your turn to pay." This really bothers me. I have told him this, but he continues with the same behavior.

Perhaps what surprised me the most was when my birthday fell on a payday and it was my turn to pay. He asked me if I wanted to go out for sushi for my special day. Guess who paid for the meal? I did.

Is this kind of turn taking normal for couples? One time I jokingly told him that he should learn to treat a woman like a lady once in a while. He suggested that I was materialistic and manipulative. Does this guy need a relationship boot camp or should I just move on?

Dear Beauty with a Beast:

You paid for sushi on your birthday because it was “your turn”? Asking to be treated like a lady is materialistic and manipulative? Hmmm… let’s see if we can put our finger on your problem. Oh, yes. Your boyfriend’s an asshole.

Sharing in payment for dates is not in and of itself a bad thing. Although we do like the double standard of men paying for the first couple of dates at least, after a while it’s lovely for the woman to contribute to the fun filled festivities. And before any man comments on how awful that double standard is, and how if women want equality they should always go dutch… as soon as we make the same amount for the same job you do, then we can re-evaluate our stance. And - our hair costs way more.

Listen to the little voice inside of you. It’s telling you he’s domineering and manipulative about money. What happens when you marry Mr. Douchey? Does he help pay for the baby’s delivery, or not because it wasn’t him who was hospitalized? And have fun itemizing the phone bill so that you pay for your phone calls. In a long-term relationship, money troubles will come and go – do you really want this man on your team for the long haul? We think he only has one team - his own. You deserve a quarterback who will take a sack for you. Tee hee! We said sack.

Maybe the Magic 8 Ball Can Help

2007-11-24T17:17:00.000-05:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Ask JohnQ.com:
One of my good friends and I recently started dating. We've tried it once before but it didn't work out because neither of us were in the right place. I was apprehensive to say yes again because he has this problem. He tends to get bored with women really quickly, when the thrill of the chase is gone things just fizzle out. He persuaded me by promising that he knew it was different this time. That he's always regretted that things didn't work out between us the first time and that he knows he won't get bored because he feel's differently about me then anyone he's ever gone out with. It's only been about a month now and I feel like things are changing already. He seems to be cooling off and I'll say not as invested as I am. I have feelings for him and I'm just not sure how he feels at this point. Are they're any signs to look for to give me some hints that he's done? I’m just not sure what to do, any opinions?

Dear Do This Don’t Do That:
Sign Sign everywhere a sign, blocking out the scenery breaking your mind. Seems to us that you are already seeing the signs, if you are getting the feeling he is cooling off towards you. Or, you could just be seeing what you always thought you were going to see with this man, and it’s all in your broken head. We’ve said it before, and it bears repeating: Women imagine drama. We think about what we think and then about he might think and then we interpret that and then we discuss it with our friends and then mix it with some rum to make Panic-Coladas. Take a deep breath and back away from the blender!

Maybe he is cooling, maybe he isn’t. Maybe he’s invested a month with you and isn’t trying as hard anymore because men love to be comfortable. After all, flowers and dinner at Chez Snooty turn into Chinese take out and Jet Li movies on DVD alarmingly fast. Try being not-as-available to him for a week or two. Don’t dump him, don’t bring it up and discuss the crap out of it and make him want to shoot himself in the head, just make it not-so-easy to be with you. Does he pursue again, or does he let you get away? It’s a simple experiment to check where you stand.

Cheater Cheater Ex-Wife Eater

2007-11-14T13:04:00.000-05:00

Dear BHB's,
I have been separated from my wife for about 8 months now and we are about to be divorced. I had met a very charming and beautiful woman who I very much adore and would like to date and continue to get to know. I had made the mistake of sleeping with my future ex once and she myspaced a message to this other woman letting her know about it. I did tell my then girlfriend that I in fact did sleep with her. It was done as a physical release and not out of any love that I would have for her because I am no longer in love with her.The woman that I was seeing says that she doesn't know if she would allow me to be back in her life again as her boyfriend.Maybe friends,but,she doesn't know about dating me again. My question is this, is there anyway that I can show her that I know the mistake that I've made and that it wont happen again. I really,really like this woman alot and I want so much to see where the relationship could take us.I would do ANYTHING to get back in her good graces and have the chance to be with her again. Could a second chance even be given to me or has that 1 fuck up sealed my chances with her forever on that level?
Regretful Lover

Dear Regretful Don Juan,
We at Brutally Honest Babes are, alas, not perfection personified. We do screw things up once in a while. That being said, we feel justified in mentioning that YOU sure managed to make a big ‘ole f**k up. A double f**k, if you will. We joined forces on this one.

ETHEL: Gee, I wonder why he’s getting a divorce?

LUCY: Gee, I wonder. He’s a CHEATER!

ETHEL: He’s probably emotionally strapped right now and confused. His life seems complex.

LUCY: Sure it’s complex blah de blah de blah. If his ex-girlfriend has any good sense, she won’t take him back right away. He needs to examine why he cheated and be honest and take some steps inside himself.

ETHEL: It sounds to me like he realizes that what he did was wrong.

LUCY: Hell yeah, it was wrong! He’d better understand how awful it was.

ETHEL: I wonder, did he start dating his now Ex-girlfriend when he was still with his now Ex-wife?

LUCY: If he did, then I don’t feel sorry for Ex-girlfriend. Ha ha ha that’s what she gets.

ETHEL: About the whole sex with Ex-wife as merely a “physical release,” hasn’t he ever heard of slapping the salami?

LUCY: If I were Ex-girlfriend, I would be mortally offended by the whole “physical” excuse. I would just think, “Ick, you nasty man. Have you no control over when you drop your own drawers? Say you’re a bit randy and some willing skank walks by . . . "

ETHEL: Maybe Ex-girlfriend wasn’t putting out.

LUCY: Maybe, but that’s no grounds for infidelity. Trust has been broken.

ETHEL: Is there no hope for our Regretful Ex-Cheater Swain?

LUCY: Well, for starters, he should respect her wish to just be friends.

ETHEL: For awhile, anyway. We women are suckers. He may win her over again in time, as long as he can manage to keep his hands and his weenie to himself, and as long as he doesn’t go stalking her.

LUCY: Yes, now is not the moment to come on too strong. He is going to have to prove himself and regain her approval.

ETHEL: Specifically, he needs to limit contact with her and let her start to miss him a little. He shouldn’t ignore her, but he should definitely give her some breathing room. No daily calls, visits, texts, or e-mails. Communication should only be established, say, once every other week for starters. He must let their friendship grow organically according to her mood.

LUCY: And he’d better beware. Us chicas are moody.

ETHEL: He might also try the “all or nothing Grand Gesture approach,” like buying her something mondo expensive and taking her to the finest restaurant and showering her with praise; but it’s a bit of a gamble. If it fails, then he’s really S.O.L.

LUCY: Yeah, he might scare her away for good. Better to take the gradual building of friendship into romance route.

ETHEL: I am reminded of the old adage from The Tortoise and the Hare, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

LUCY: And the bastard better remember this time that “steady” means STEADY!

ETHEL: InSTEAD of acting like a gigolo.

LUCY: Yes, he must learn to be STEADfast.

ETHEL: STEADY as she blows!

LUCY: If he behaves himself, maybe she will! (Ex-girlfriend, that is)

Will You Take That in Pennies?

2007-11-08T14:01:00.000-05:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

GirlShrink.com:
I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship. He isn't my boyfriend, but we have sex. Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed and that in fact I should pay him for sex. One time he made me give him $20! And I did it. How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me? I mean I think I love him.

Dear More Money than Brains:
Wow. This is a cornucopia of personal issuedom! Does you life look like a Dali painting? If you were an M&M, would you be the vomit brown one? Is your name Britney?

Your issues, from the top….

1. “I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship.” Yes. Very Good. 1 Dollar.

2. “Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed…” Then why is he still sleeping with you? There are many girls out there to scar emotionally. This is a mind-fuck to keep you subservient. -1 Dollar.

3. “…and that in fact I should pay him for sex.” If we were assholes who abuse our significant others, we would ask for way more than $20. $20 won’t even cover a movie date when he takes his real girlfriend out. He must not think very highly of himself, hence his psychological torture of you. -20 Dollars.

4. “One time he made me give him $20! And I did it.” He did not “make you” give him the money – he asked and you gave. -20 More Dollars.

5. “How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me?” The simple answer is – leave!! No booty calls, no phone calls, no calls of any kind! The complex answer is – get a therapist. We can point out the obvious, but you already know what you should do, and are unable to do it. – 1 Dollar.

6. “I mean I think I love him.” You do not understand what love is. Get a therapist. Post haste. Please!? -50 Dollars.

Unctuous Woman-Hating Bastard: 20 Dollars.
Hated Woman: -91 Dollars.
Ability to slash his tires a la “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood: Priceless*

* Really, that song is fucking awesome.

You Can't Teach an Old Bag New Tricks

2007-11-05T18:04:00.000-05:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

From AskJohnQ.com: A single mother who has 26 year old, a 21 year old and a 17 year old girls has had sex with her 21 year old daughter ex-boyfriend who is 23 years old, now he is trying to hook up with her 26 year old, she does not want him to hook up with her daughter but does not know how to keep him away from her family. They do not know that this affair happened with the mom and the daughters ex boyfriend and he has remained a friend of the families. Should she tell her 26 year old about the affair?

Dear Mom who has Written into Public Advice Column “Anonymously”:
Hold on – I need to read all that again. Um Hmm… Skanky Mom… Skanky Dude… Daughters in desperate need of therapy. Got it! If I were on the Jerry Springer set I might throw a chair at the Mom and holler, “What about the children? Won’t someone please think of the children??!” Does that answer your question?

Fetch Your Overlord Some Ale and Quit Yer Bitching!

2007-10-30T17:18:00.001-04:00

Dear BHB:
Our company has a big lavish retreat every year that every employee gets to attend with activities, meetings, and lots of food and booze. We're always told that we're a big "family" and that all are equal. The company has grown and these retreats are getting very costly, so, several of the lowest members of the "team" were sort of dis-invited this year, by just sort of never being told about it. It got out (of course) and it was awkward. I am one of those lowly people.

Turns out, that the executives get to bring spouses and children - over 20 kids all-together and 8 spouses (7 times the number of actual employees not going at all). Now, I'm having a hard time swallowing the line that it's a financial reason I don't get to attend company meetings, so that the rich boss' kids can go in my place to play and be fed. Am I right to be bitter?
Love, Bitter Bullshit Smeller

Dear Bullshit Smeller:
It's really all about nomenclature. Perhaps you should re-title yourself "Brown Noser" as it has a more positive connotation. Consider volunteering to pay for your own room and board and offer to accompany the higher ups on this lavish retreat and serve as temp nanny to their many, many children!

When you return from said retreat, you may also want to think about sharing your spare time, free of charge, of course, with your feudal overlords in order that you might make their lives more comfortable by cooking and cleaning for them and wiping their dainty bottoms when necessary. Be sure to save some of their godlike poo for adorning of your nose (even though the lowly appendage on your own serf face be not worthy of such an honor).

If you work very hard and accept your station in life, someday perhaps you may even be chosen to become part of the funeral pyre when your gracious lords expire!

I Went to Paralegal School and All I Got Was This Lousy Lover

2007-10-25T14:39:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Too Real Women:
I work in a law office and made the mistake of sleeping with one of the junior partners. I quickly broke it off when one of the secretaries told me that I wasn’t his first office fling. Problem is one of the female junior partners is telling everyone that I slept with this guy and is giving the impression that we are still together. What should I do, I am only a paralegal, which kinda makes her my boss? Do I wait for it to blow over or do I confront her?

Dear I Lost My Legal Briefs:
They make it look so easy on Boston Legal, don’t they? Those people bed hop like horny toads and no one seems to care.

Tongues will wag I’m afraid. If it wasn’t this junior partner it would be that one and there’s little to be done to stop it. Confront her? Why? It’s out now. Hold your head high, ignore it and do not get in a row about it. Just blame the Mad Cow like Denny Crane does.

Our question to you is… did you really break it off because you weren’t his first office romance? I have a news flash for you… *whispers* once you hit a certain age, almost everyone will have slept with someone else before you. Now, if he screws every paralegal in the tri-city area, then he’s not a keeper. But reconsider dropping anyone based on office hearsay. That’s a fancy name for gossip by the way – the same thing you don’t want others hearing about you.

If you’re really bitchy, start a rumor about the chick who’s talking about you. Something involving goats, beer helmets, and karaoke. Yeah. Karaoke!

It's Enough to Drive You Crazy if You Let it

2007-10-24T16:27:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Cubicle Coach:
My boss CrackBerrys me at 1 a.m. I feel like a loser if I respond, a slacker if I don't. What's appropriate?

Dear You Spend Your Life Putting Money In His Pocket:
*Sigh* the days of 9 to 5 are long gone, as men and women who make 5 times more than you think you should be available 24 hours a day to serve them, during vacations, sick days, and God forbid you have to run to the bathroom and pee when his phone needs answering!!

What is appropriate, in our not-so-humble opinions, is work time and personal time being delineated and separate. Now and again, yes, you should stay late to get what needs doing done, but every person needs down time and home time which will not be interrupted by a grown adult not being able to dial their own damn phone. You are not a slacker! No one but third shift should be working at 1am!

What is common nowadays, is a backwards look in time to the days of Victorian servants and masters, with the electronic so-called CrackBerry allowing the masters to harangue their servants 24/7. It is wrong. See “Prada, the Devil Wears” for a fun and stylish morality play about such bosses and the hapless but attractive assistants who attempt to please them. [Spoiler! It doesn't go well.]

Perhaps your boss is e-mailing at 1am because he hates his family and would rather work than deal with them. Perhaps she is an insomniac. What you need to find out is if there is an expectation from this person that you respond at that time. If not, great. If so, find a new job.

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony~I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke . . .

2007-10-24T00:45:00.000-04:00

Dear BHB,
I fell in love with a coke addict. As in cocaine, not cola. He was self-assured, ambitious, and really amazing in bed. Now that he has been arrested several times and has been through rehab and is now "clean" he is such a different person--mamby-pampy and a bad kisser. Not at all the same man that I originally loved. What to do? I care about him, but he's really not the same man anymore. I don't love him like I loved the altered him who I thought he really was. Does that make any sense?
Sincerely, Needing a Fix

Dear Fixer Upper,
Whoa. We are glad we are not you. Of course you can't encourage him to embrace his old illegal ways; but whoa, this really sucks for you. Hmmph. How about you do your best to be there for him as a friend, and then go find yourself a hot young Latin lover? Try to find one that's definitely not into substance abuse from the get-go, so you know who and what you are loving from the start.

Unsolicited Advice: Don’t Dress Little Caitlin like a Whore for Halloween

2007-10-22T15:54:00.000-04:00

Dear Parents:
Many young women have a choice go-to for Halloween costumes which require little in the way of imagination – choose a thing and make it “sexy”, i.e. Sexy Nurse, Sexy Waitress, Sexy Cat, Sexy Ghost. It’s popular, it’s obvious, it’s… well… Sexy. [Tangent - We here at BHBs personally prefer choosing a thing and making it Dead/ Bloody i.e. Drowned Titanic Victim (complete with wet, sea-weedy hair), Dead Juliet, Lady in White (of ghost story lore.)] However, we have noted a disturbing trend of parents allowing their daughters to dress in this same, slutty way – and we say if your child is not too old to Trick or Treat, then they are too young to dress like a whore for Halloween.

Young women have many, many years of being hyper-sexualized to look forward to. They will be harassed, degraded, demeaned and don’t-worry-your-pretty-little-headed until they are ready to vomit, scream or sue – not necessarily in that order.

Maybe little 9 year old Palmer wants to be a Bratz for Halloween. Little Palmer also probably wants to drive a car and say “Shit Fuck Damn!” whenever she feels like it, too, but you are not letting her do those things. Just because it’s every Pedophile’s favorite holiday doesn’t mean she ought to wear the mini, thigh-highs, hip boots and halter top she has all picked out. [Ahem, yes, we have actually seen a small child in public – with parents – in that outfit.]

Do you want your child to end up like Paris? This is the slippery slope friends! Sure, it’s hip boots now – a little later it’ll be the bed of a pick-up and, “No, baby, not a condom – it feels better without!” A little dignity when they are young goes a long way.

Young Tallulah can be Hermione Granger – she’s a child who is smart and fights for justice in her spare time. Or Princess Leia (ditto what we said about Hermione). Or *sigh* a Disney Princess. Yes, they are uber marketing crap but at least they wear clothes.

Would you dress your little boy as a leather-harnessed gigolo? Uh-huh. Give the same consideration to your daughter.

Don't Worry - We're Haters, Too

2007-10-18T18:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I am sick of people. People who swear. People who like dogs. People who are rude. People who like cats. People who wear perfume. People who run me off the road. People who hate aardvarks. People who write letters to the editor. People who watch football. People who don't take a bath. People who hum when they work. People who are slobs. People who like Nascar. People who wear dirty tennis shoes. In short ... all kinds of people. I'm thinking that I should just move into a cave and stay away from the human race as much as possible. Is there something wrong with me?
Not-A-People-Person

Dear Intelligent Person:
There is nothing wrong with you. We are snarky women who hate many, many things. We had a discussion about all the stupid people which went something like this:

Lucy: Take a look at this question!

Ethel: I’m sick of people, too.

Lucy: I know – she thinks there’s something wrong with her, but I think it’s very sensible to want to live in a cave due to the schlubs who abound in modern society. Just not very practical.

Ethel: I hate people who order hard things at McDonald's and hold up the drive through. Just order a fucking Big Mac already.

Lucy: I hate the parents who drive their kids to school near where I live – they all dodge traffic and run their kids across the street instead of using the cross walk 50 feet away. Nice – teach your kid to run into traffic.

Ethel: I hate people who put ketchup on everything.

Lucy: I hate people who say “At the end of the day.”

Ethel: I hate people who tell me it’s wrong to ride horses.

Lucy: I hate that my hubby hates Halloween.

Ethel: That totally blows.

Lucy: I know! I love Halloween!

Ethel: I hate people who like housework.

Lucy: And then they tell you all about it like they are a saint or something. Yeah, fuck them!

Ethel: I hate people who tell me I don’t have to drink to have a good time. Sometimes, I want to drink! Don’t give me your uninvited commentary.

Lucy: I hate people who say really smugly that they never watch TV. As if it’s a badge of honor. I had a lady do that, and then the next time I saw her she asked if I ever watch such and such TV show because she loves it.

Ethel: Did you hit her?

Lucy: No, I wanted to though.

Ethel: I hate it that you can’t just hit stupid people.

Lucy: Agreed. Some people need a good slap.

Ethel: I hate people who give you uninvited hugs. They are never people whom you would choose to hug.

Lucy: I hate men who leer at me in front of their wives and children.

Ethel: Yes!!! Whew! That felt good.

Lucy: It probably didn’t help our friend though. She can either go live in said cave, learn to deal, or buy a gun and have a few brief moments of bloody satisfaction before they cart her off to the pokie.

Ethel: She’d be around a lot of people in jail. Most of them annoying, I’m sure.

Lucy: Hmmm.

Ethel: If she started a fight in jail then she’d get solitary!

Lucy: Yeah! But then of course there’s all the people she gunned down….

Ethel: Probably not the best solution.

Lucy: No.

Ethel: Then she needs to deal – I find that giving myself a little present after a particularly trying day is nice.

Lucy: Like that Big Mac, or a coffee.

Ethel: Or a ring from the 99 cents store.

Lucy: Or a new lipstick!

Ethel: She should take a deep breath, be glad she’s not a stupid as all the people she hates, and move on. Life is too short.

Lucy: And just fantasize about slapping them all, but not actually doing it.

Ethel: Uh, oh - we swore at the lady who hates people who swear.

Lucy: Good thing we told her not to gun down people who annoy her.

Ethel: I hate people who like Nascar, too.

Lucy: Who doesn’t?

Be A Cave Woman

2007-10-17T15:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks. I think I really like him and I’d like to see him more often. I called him last night and asked if he’d like to come over. He said, “but I just saw you yesterday.” I don’t want to be clingy, but why can’t we see each other 2 days in row?! I don’t want to play any games, but I don’t want to push him away either. Help!

Dear Static Cling,
Why did YOU call HIM? Blah blah we are modern women blah blah independent and entitled blah blah. Maybe he's Cro-Magnon and proud of it. If you want this man, then let him come to you. His response to your invite is well, less than encouraging. Let him be. Have enough confidence in yourself that you don't need to spend every waking moment begging him to be with you. Desperation is unattractive. Games are fun. Maybe he wants to play. Maybe old fashioned courting is just the thing for you two. Be a cave woman. Let him drag you by the hair back to his rocky crevice for a little pinochle.

By Hook or by Crook

2007-10-16T23:45:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

From AskJohnQ.com:

I'm a 30 year old stripper and people think I'm too old. I'm also a hooker!! should i stay with my well-moneyed job or find a new one. I'm RICH okay so you know if i quit my job then i might not be able to pay my bills. -Help-

Dear Richer Than Us (Damn Why Didn’t We Become Strippers?!):

Our questions for you are these: Do you think you are too old to strip and hook? (Is “hook” the verb for “hooker”?) Do you enjoy making your money this way? It sounds like you enjoy the hookery as you used two exclamation points. And it makes you RICH. RICH is awesome.

If you don’t like it/ think you’re too old, than transition into a new career level. Perhaps Madam? The money might be better! We are sure it’s rather hard to just go to accountant school after making mad money hooking and stripping, but if you like math, then maybe a new job is in order. If you are thinking it might be time to not be a slut for a living, then maybe try to meet a rich man whilst stripping and trick him into marrying you. Then your nouveau riche lifestyle can wash away the hollow sadness from the past.

…And who are these people from whom you seek career advice? Johns? Other hookers and strippers? Screw them. (Get it? Johns – screw them! HA!) Let the market decide when you quit. If you still enjoy what you do (and please, think about that), then do it! When you can’t pay your rent in one dollar bills anymore, then it’s time to stop.

P.S. We sort-of think that this isn’t a real question. But maybe it is. We BHBs strongly encourage all hookers and strippers to write in, as it’s totally fun to think of all the fun ways to use derivatives of “hook” in a sentence.

P.P.S. We are against hooking as a profession in general, as it would be nice if all women could be employed in a dignified fashion. Many women (and children, good Lord) are forced against their will or out of desperation into this life, and it saddens us.

Help I Might Have a Nice Date! The Horror!

2007-10-16T23:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
My boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago. It was a hard time and I am doing better. However, a guy recently asked me out and I don’t know if I’m ready to date again yet. Still, he seems cool and I don’t want to miss what could be a great opportunity. Would it be strange to ask him to wait a few weeks? It doesn’t seem good form to mention the Ex. Maybe I should just say “no thanks.” Help!

Dear Once Bitten:
Wethinks you may be over-thinking this. Which women do. A lot. Channel a man... think like him... there... your head is nice and blank... a few thoughts of video games... maybe a universal remote control... a bit of porn.

There’s no need to go into big explanations to anyone about your feelings, especially to a brand new shiny man full of promise. Don’t mention your ex, your gun-shy issues, or anything like that. If you want a few weeks to chill, just make up a big project at work or a vacation coming up or whatever and put him off for a bit, all the while encouraging him subtly from afar.

Or, just go out with him already. He’s asked you for a date - not to set the wedding date! Geesh! Have some coffee! Chat amongst yourselves! See if he’s even worth all this deliberation. Even if he’s only Mr. Right Now… well… right now boys can be very therapeutic (she said with a wink!)

...and Say 10 Hail Marys

2007-10-15T15:56:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear E. Jean:
I’m only 25, but I’ve been with a lot of men in my young life. I always had trouble committing to one man; however, three years ago, I fell in love and have been faithful to the same guy. We’ve had “girlfriends” (threesomes), but lately we’ve had heated discussions about my “lack of adventure.” He still wants the “girlfriends,” but now he wants me with a “boyfriend.” He won’t sleep with me until I agree to it. Now that I finally want to keep my legs crossed, he doesn’t want me to! Is he actually turned on by the thought of me shagging another guy?—The Nun of Monza

Dear None-too-Good Nun:
The first thing we thought when we read your sad but cheap tale is that your faithful relationship ended the day he brought the first ho home. I don’t know what turns him on, but the sad truth is it isn’t you by yourself. Men, women, whatever – he’s not really changing the rules you both have established and to which you have agreed in the past. However, you have said no this time, and he is not respecting it.

So, in your “committed” relationship you have both cheated on each other (numerous times), he doesn’t respect you, and he gives you ultimatums. He sounds awesome. Just like someone you should fight to keep. (That last was sarcasm, since you seem to lack common sense.) Why do you love such a man? Do you even love him truly, since you screw other women on the side? If you think that giving into his bedroom demands makes him love you, then you are sadly mistaken. He doesn’t respect you – leave him. And next time, respect yourself and command respect from your partner by really committing (i.e. don’t screw around and act like a tawdry slut.)

But What About Me, Me, Me?

2007-10-11T15:58:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Too Real Women:
I met a great lady through an online dating service. We have been emailing back and forth for a while now and I think that it is time that we met in person, she seems reluctant. How can I get her to agree to a meeting?
Raring To Meet

Dear Eager for Beaver:
First of all, we don’t like the way you want to “get her” to do anything. You can ask her, you can persuade her, but as a free woman she cannot me made to do anything. Maybe she’s getting a creep vibe from you, as we are.

You have to understand, Raring, that most women have dealt with their share of freaks, lowlifes, dumbasses, numbnuts, douchbags and frankly frightening men. She is taking the time to try to figure out if you are one of the above. Give her this time. Men think that life and dating for women is the same as it is for them. It isn’t. Most serial killers? Men. Most rapists? Uh-huh – men. So you must wrap your head around the reasons why a woman is not likely to jump up and meet every Tom, Dick and Scary who wants to meet her. A nice guy will give her the time, if he thinks she’s worth it. Do you?

Mission Statement: No More Missionary Position

2007-10-10T11:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I just turned 21 and I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for a year. I really love him, but we’re having a little trouble in the bedroom. He always wants to be on top. I wouldn’t mind it some of the time or even most of the time, but I’d like to try a different position we’re so young and I’m already getting bored with our sex life. How do I talk to him about this without hurting his feelings?

Dear the Young and the Restless,
Introduce him to an attractive older and sexually experienced woman (a la “Mrs. Robinson”) and let her sleep with him a few times to teach him the ways of pleasure, and then take him back and reap the rewards of her labor. OR, just have a heart to heart with him before your next pee-pee to pee-pee. Bear in mind that you must be tactful in the presentation of your desires. Men, surprisingly enough, have feelings; and you certainly are more apt to get what you want if you don’t hurt his. Likely, he’s just having such a good time being a missionary that he assumes you’re having a good time too. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? Try making a fun suggestion (but time it right, don’t bring it up during or immediately after sex or he’ll likely feel emasculated) that you alternate who gets to choose the position. Plop an illustrated Kama Sutra on the middle of the bed and do some light reading together. We also highly recommend the Clan of the Cave Bear series by Jean M. Auel. Those cave people really knew how to swing.

Do They Even Have Creeks in New York City?

2007-10-03T21:47:00.000-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
I'm single, good-looking and smart, but I can't seem to get a date for the life of me. I have younger, married men slobbering all over me, but finding an eligible guy has been next to impossible. Are there no single attractive men over the age of puberty in the City of New York?? I tried online dating services, but ended up going out with losers, like the idiot who announced he was hung-over on our date after showing up 45 minutes late or the guy with the picture that was at least 15 years and 25 pounds out of date. I just have trouble meeting smart, funny and, most important, available men. I have to be doing something wrong. Help!! – Up the Creek

Dear Up the Creek,
We two BHBs had to specifically consult regarding your question, as it’s a good one. Our conversation went something like this…

Lucy: Did you see that question from Up the Creek?

Ethel: Yeah – that’s a toughie!

Lucy: I know – we’re old married ladies.

Ethel: Well, not old.

Lucy: We’re hot young married ladies.

Ethel: We met our husbands on the job, what do we know?

Lucy: Maybe that’s not an option for her. She’s in New York, maybe she’s an actress and all the guys she meets at work are gay.

Ethel: Or corporate douchebags.

Lucy: Indeed.

Ethel: She needs a change of pace – a new place to meet men.

Lucy: She needs a new creek! Ha hahaa! Get it? She’s Up the Creek??

Ethel: Wow, that’s a bad joke. Don’t use that in the blog.

Lucy: OK.

Ethel: She needs to join a church! Lots of nice men at a church!

Lucy: Church is a great place to meet nice men – but maybe she’s not the churchey type.

Ethel: Hmmm.

Lucy: Hmmm. Hey! Maybe a class! Art or cooking or something like that!

Ethel: Ooh ooh – I like it. Maybe an improv class in New York! Lots of funny guys in improv class in my experience. Straight, too.

Lucy: Yes! She needs to identify the type of man she wants, and seek a new locale where they are likely to congregate in the wild.

Ethel: Or maybe these married guys can recommend friends of theirs for her to date.

Lucy: I don’t know – it could end up like that “Sex and the City” episode where Charlotte did that and it turned out the married guy was a creep and hit on her. Remember that one?

Ethel: No.

Lucy: Well. That’s what happened. And she already has married creeps hitting on her. Maybe that’s not such a good idea.

Ethel: I don’t remember that episode at all.

Lucy: They re-run it all the time.

Ethel: OK.

Lucy: What else for Miss Creek?

Ethel: Well, there’s that site – meetup.com – where they have online groups for all kinds of activities. Maybe she could join a jogging or investing club or something and meet men that way. Gear the club towards the type of man she wants.

Lucy: Maybe! But it might sound like we’re shilling for meetup.

Ethel: I wish we were.

Lucy: Me too!

Ethel: Then we’d get paid.

Lucy: Mmmmmm… Paid.

Ethel: It that all we have?

Lucy: Yup, I think so.

The Daily Grind Can Lead to Other Grinding

2007-10-03T00:35:00.000-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I have a crush on a guy a work. We work in different departments, but see each other everyday. He stops by my office a few times a day. I think we’re both worried about dating someone from work. What should I do?

Dear Daily Grind Would-Be Dater,
Go with your gut. Many matches are begun in a working environment. We Babes met our men while on the job. Kudos to this dude because he works in a different department from you, so you two won't be easily distracting one another or getting in trouble, (or embarrassing your co-workers). If he works up the nerve to ask you on a date FOR GOODNESS SAKE DON'T YOU GO ASKING HIM OUT FIRST, THAT IS A NO-NO! then by all means have a go. If he just keeps stopping by to visit, flirt. Flirt until he does ask you out. If you hit it off, then both of you make a concerted effort to conduct yourselves professionally while in the working environment, and keep the romance for after hours.

Black and White and Grey All Over

2007-09-29T14:32:00.000-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
Last night I was at a friend’s birthday party and a guy asked me out. He seems nice and is quite handsome. I hate to admit this, but I’m not sure if I can go on a date with him. I’m white and he’s black. I know it’s 2007, but I’ve never dated a non-white man and I know my parents would have a hard time with it. Should I go out with him?

Dear Ms. Grey,
You are a grown up. Of course you want to respect your parents, but they must also respect your rights and wishes. (Please tell us you do not still live with them!) Simply put, if you find yourself attracted to this man, go out on a date. If you are not attracted to him, don't guilt yourself into a date with him because you're afraid you'll look like a racist if you don't go. Easy peasy. He is a man and you are a woman. If you like him and he likes you and over time you develop a real relationship, THEN introduce him to Ma and Pa.

The Demi/Ashton Dilemma

2007-09-29T14:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I’m almost 40 and recently met a man who is 29. We really connect, but he’s is 11 years younger than I am. I know a lot of older men date younger women, but I’m not sure about getting into a relationship with someone who will be 50 when I’m 60!

Dear No Spring Chicken with Young Cock,
If you want the guy, have him. See where it goes. You cannot know how you will feel about one another 10 years from now, so we say relish the moment in which you live. Yes, a lot of men date younger women~much younger women (look at Playboy Hugh); and a lot of women date younger men and it can work. Why ever not? Every relationship has good parts and not so good. We think the younger man's parts will prove to be part of the good! Hey, to hell with Viagra.

The Babes and "The Rules"

2007-09-27T16:22:00.000-04:00

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I’m tired of waiting for men to ask me out. I’ve read The Rules, but I’m ready to break them. Would it totally turn a man off if I asked him out?

Dear Would-Be Rule Breaker:
We two BHB have discussed this very matter at length. We have very specific ideas on the subject. One of us bought “The Rules” for the other; the other followed it, and had to beat the men off with a stick. Many empowered women will tell you to ask a man out if you want to. We empowered women say do not ask a man out. Ever. We repeat: do not ask a man out. Men like to chase. That bears repeating as well: men like to chase! They cannot chase what chases them.

That being said, there are ways to achieve what you want. Being alluring yet slightly unattainable will make him work for you, which he will enjoy. You can in turns flirt then ignore (this worked for one BHB to catch her now husband), be sexy around him (sexy, not slutty), find out if you share any interests, etc. Put the idea into his head that you are made for each other, without ever coming out and saying it. Let him think it was his idea. Some might say this is game playing. It is! A Lady is entitled. She can be every feminine thing without being lesser than a man.

If these things do not elicit a date query, then perhaps it’s just not meant to be. Use your wiles on a more deserving specimen.

PS - Thank you for being our very first questioner! *Squee!*

Dear Someone Else: You don't like me! You Really, Really Don't Like Me!

2007-09-27T13:29:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Cubicle Coach (Marie Claire):
I have a colleague who clearly doesn't like me. She makes lunch dates and small talk with pretty much everyone on the floor except for me. I don't know what I ever did. Would confronting her about it be mature and honest or drama-inducing?

Dear Ms. Needy:
Here’s a good life lesson that your Mother probably should have taught you: not everyone is going to like you. Here’s another: no one at work is obligated to like you, hang out with you, chat with you, lunch with you, or do anything other than work with you! Confronting her would be drama-inducing, yes, and also needy and awkward for everyone. You are sure to become an office joke should you proceed with this plan, so please don’t do it!

If you want to be friends with her, because you genuinely like her and not just because you feel left out, make more of an effort to get to know her. Ask her about her life & family. In other words, be friendly. You say she makes small talk with others… have you ever made small talk with her? Unless you’re just an ass and don’t know it, or have an unpleasant Patchouli smell or something, you’ll probably become her friend the natural way, not the crazy, demanding, gossip-inducing way you have suggested.

Dear Someone Else: Just a Little Harmless Ass Grabbing!

2007-09-26T21:22:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Cubicle Coach (Marie Claire):
I work in a male-heavy office where banter often leads to sexual jokes about the female receptionist. I don't want to make a big deal of it, but I do think their talk is offensive. Should I just laugh along like one of the guys?

Dear Beatrice Arnold,
We here are BHB love the new show on AMC called “Mad Men”. It’s set in the early 1960s and is chock full of the sexual harassment women have been fighting to end for 40 years now. Well, all women but you. Bet your sweet-ass-in-that-tight-little-dress those same men are laughing along about you when you’re not around. I’m not sure how you missed this memo, but Sexual Harassment is against the law now! We don’t have to put up with that bullshit anymore. Google Anita Hill, grow some balls, and make a stand about it. How can you look the receptionist in the eye if you don’t? We suggest a tape recorder, to make the reporting easier. Document everything. For your receptionist’s sake, good luck.

Dear Someone Else: Eat a Freakin' Big Mac Already

2007-09-25T23:15:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Q: Is there such a thing as too thin?
Original A: Magazine "Teen Vogue" Rachel S., 17 (this answer is from a 17-year-old) Theoretically, yes, but I think all the starlets that magazines say are too skinny are really attractive. When Jessica Simpson was superslim, you could count her ribs, I thought she was pretty. It's sexy to see bones.

The Correct A: Dear Puking Up One Lettuce Leaf At A Time:
Yes. There is such a thing as too skinny. We are so saddened that young women nowadays have no idea what a normal female body should look like. Women are curvy. We are supposed to be. Men actually like that. We are soft and rounded and sexy and fertile. A woman who is nothing but bones and skin and implants is a freak. Reclaim your feminine features, chicas! Don't be extreme and pig out and become fatty blimps, just eat a normal balanced diet including protein, carbs, fruits and veggies, and yes now and then junk food, and do some moderate exercise and BE BEAUTIFUL. BE A WOMAN. We find it utterly amazing how our society (don't misread us here, we love America) creates problems for itself. I don't think annorexia or bulemia are really a problem in Ethiopa. There IS such a thing as too skinny. BE HEALTHY AND LOVE YOURSELF FOR IT!

Dear Someone Else: I think I'll Have Her A-La-Mode!

2007-09-24T21:55:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

From Pig-Dogs.net: I love my boyfriend of 7 months very much, but how do I continue to put up with his online chatting with other women? He claims that he loves me and wants to marry me, but it is defect in him that he cannot seem to control. He treats me wonderfully otherwise and is everything that I have been looking for. How can we cure him of this?

Dear Cake,
A is always A. Your boyfriend says he loves you and wants to marry you. Your boyfriend chats online with other women (presumably romantically, or else what is the fuss about.) One of these is true. The other is not. If he has romantic chats with other women, on a regular basis, then he does not love you. You think love is an exclusive state. So do we. Yes, married people are not dead – they look sometimes. But chatting/ speaking/ acting on it is a different story. Find a new boyfriend. One who wants only you. You deserve that. Right now you’re the cake he has and he’s out looking for the Marie Callender’s.

Dear Someone Else: Dirty Double Standard

2007-09-24T17:36:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

(from askJohnQ.com) I have been married for 5 years. I cheated on my wife twice. Last year she cheated on me for revenge. When she cheated it was with a man and a woman at the same time. A threesome. She was intimate with the woman as well. I am shocked that she was able to have sex with another woman. I feel like it makes her someone that I wouldn't pick for a wife. I'm no angel either, but I've never had sex with a man. I would have sex with 2 women at the same time but I wouldn't think that either woman was wife material. Can anyone tell me what to do?

Dear Dirty Double Standard,
We'll tell you what to do. Get a divorce. Sounds like neither you nor your wife have what it takes to be married. Being married is a big deal. You made a vow to be faithful to one another. If you and she want to sleep around with whomever or whatever whenever, then get a fucking divorce and then you can fuck all you want.

Dear Someone Else: Once I Go Black, Can I Go Back?

2007-09-19T15:48:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Too Real Women:
I am a widow who lives in a very white, middle class neighborhood. I have met a man who is a different race and faith. I do want to date him but I am worried about what my neighbors will think. Should I just tell him that it is not a good idea?
Dilemma in the suburbs

Dear Suburban Dilemma,
It’s a terrible idea to date outside your race, and probably faith, too. You don’t really need a man. You can be comforted by your neighbors who are fun to cuddle with on rainy nights, you can share your deepest heart of hearts with, and who laugh at all your stupid WASPy jokes. Wait, they don’t? They are horrid, judgey assholes? Then what will become of you if you don’t indulge in your hot and steamy Jungle fever? Vibrators are no fun to spoon. Are you really going to choose your neighbors over a lovely, interested real live man? If they object because he’s a darker shade then they, then their opinions 100% do not matter. We think you should date your exciting new man, and that you should seriously ask yourself why on Earth you even considered someone else’s opinion over your own.

Dear Someone Else: I LIKE BOOBS!

2007-09-17T17:59:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

DEAR E. JEAN (Elle): Excuse my frankness, but I want boobs. I’m 24 and still stuff my bra. My mom constantly tells me how dangerous implants are, and my friends tell me my body is fine; I’ve never heard a complaint from any man I’ve dated, so getting them done would be for me only. However, I’m obsessed. I think of them all the time. What do you think? Should I do it? —Enhancing What I Don’t Have

Dear Enhancing What I Don’t Have:
If you are truly obsessed with boobs, perhaps you are subduing latent lesbian tendencies? Get the implants, get a girlfriend, and the both of you do jumping jacks naked while listening to the “Otto Titsling” song on the Beaches soundtrack.

Dear Someone Else: Blue Suede Blues

2007-09-17T17:52:00.000-04:00

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

The I-Want-to-Recycle-My-Cheapskate-Friend Problem
DEAR E. JEAN (Elle): For my best friend’s birthday, I gave her a gorgeous dress. Two days later, for my birthday, she presented me with the ugliest light-blue suede handbag imaginable. It looks like something she got for Christmas last year and then let sit around for 10 months, gathering dust and stains—it’s filthy. She’s supposed to be my closest friend! Do I buy suede cleaner and keep quiet? Or do I call her out on this?—Hurting in Hollywood

Dear Hurting in Hollywood:
Buy yourself some blue suede shoes with dust and stains on them to go with the friggin’ bag and keep your mouth shut. You’ll look hip and “vintage.” Besides, maybe your friend is poor right now and the yucky purse was the best she could do. Or, maybe she thought the “gorgeous” dress you gave her was truly hideous and she thought to repay you in kind. Taste is subjective. Next holiday arrange to buy each other gift cards of the same value to the same store. Boring, but fair.

Brutally Honest Babes

Bitch Slap of Common Sense: Don't Look Stupid

POOP Not GOOP: Freaky Gwynnie!

Stuff Babes Like: LOLLost

Bitch Slap of Common Sense: You are a Weirdo

POOP not GOOP: The True Spirit of the Holidaze

Please Don't Chop Me Up and Put Me in Your Trunk, John Denver!

Unsolicited Advice: Ugh, For the Love of Your Deity of Choice, Put That Away!

POOP not GOOP: Gobble Gobble Edition

POOP not GOOP: We're So Amazing We POOP Art!

Unsolicited Advice: Ho ho ho Go Blow

Caught Between a Rock & Republic & a Hard Place

POOP not GOOP: Masturbate Your Way to Health!

POOP: Oh, Sweet Mystery of Life At Last I've Found You!

Its Alive! ALIVE!!!!!1!

I'm Hairy Noon and Night; Hair That's a Fright.

An "Alf" Shirt Would be Perfect...

Unsolicited Advice: If You Are a Sado-Masochist, Take a Man to a Musical

Unsolicited Advice: Mommy’s Little Helper Helps Me, Too

From Russia With Love

The One in Which We Adopt Made-Up Internet Words

*Sigh* Insert Clever Title About an Asshole Here

Viva La Burrito!

Speed Racer

P.S. Whore Moan

A Quiz: Whither Cramps? Or, How to Get Laid

The Mystery of the Smelly Smell

The Amazing Disappearing Douchebag!

The Goodly Wife and the Goodly Anvil~A Morality Tale

Could You be a Victim of Date Poop?

Coming Soon!

Unsolicited Advice: The Cure

April's Fool

This is Why People Love Tivo

LOLLost - I can haz?

BOSS is a Four-Letter Word

Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo

As Long as He Doesn't Look Better Than You Do In Them...

Daring Darling

Stupid Monster Head

"i"

Don't Be a Fool When You're Foolin' Around

Anything You Can do to Draw Attention to Your Mouth is Good

The Icing on the Cake

All's Fair in Love and Whore

We're Sorry Sweetie - Here's a Wipe.

Lost in Translation

Let Them Eat Cake

The Keywords to Our Hearts

One Fish, Two Fish, Raw Fish, Ew, Fish!

Once a Zbornak, Always a Zbornak

Bitch Slap of Common Sense Trifecta!

You're a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot.

Even Yoda Farts

I Don't Know What Your Problem is... We Love Getting Set Up with Creepy Men Against Our Wills!

A Flaming Bag of Poo Always Helps

Have Another Cocktail, Boozehound

How Much Wood Would a Wood Chuck Chuck?

Why Not Take Both?

Be Not Thee a Whore… at Prom.

She Was Beautiful, Except for the Hemorrhoids

Unsolicited Advice: The Power of Smug Compels You!

Overlords: 1, Underlings: 0

*Sob!* Why, Oh Why Didn't We Meet You First?

An engagement ring on the first date? Pushy!

Bitch Slap of Common Sense!

Unsolicited Advice: Babes Don’t Let Babes Look Stumpy

But I Usually Have Such Good Luck with Online Psychics!

Country Mouse/City Mouse

Even the Snarky Require Rest

How many ways can the BHBs say, "Dump Him"?

Maybe the Magic 8 Ball Can Help

Cheater Cheater Ex-Wife Eater

Will You Take That in Pennies?

You Can't Teach an Old Bag New Tricks

Fetch Your Overlord Some Ale and Quit Yer Bitching!

I Went to Paralegal School and All I Got Was This Lousy Lover

It's Enough to Drive You Crazy if You Let it

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony~I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke . . .

Unsolicited Advice: Don’t Dress Little Caitlin like a Whore for Halloween

Sigh Insert Clever Title About an Asshole Here

Sob! Why, Oh Why Didn't We Meet You First?