Unsolicited Advice: The Power of Smug Compels You!

I, Lucy, live in Los Angeles. Land of the La La, and home to the smuggest bitches in the world.

As I currently sit in a Web of Smug, I feel stabby thinking about the smug-and-runners who left me trying to clean off their sticky shame goo. I’m just trying to take a lunch order, ladies. I don’t need your fucking body issues!

Yes, I know you work out daily. I hear you discussing it for about 4 hours a day. I rarely hear you speak of anything else. It’s really interesting to hear all about it, every day. “You know?! I just need to eat Health-eeeeee!!!!!!! I can’t eat that stuff!!!!” OK. “No, thanks, I don’t need to order,” would have sufficed. You just can’t resist the urge to tell me about how wonderful and health-eeeee you are, can you? I’ll just look away when I see you inhale that box of chocolates.

And you, size 0 who sits and eats plates of raw vegetables every day. “I don’t order from restaurants because I gain weight easily.” Yeah. Bitch, I’ve seen you at restaurants, sucking down glass after glass of wine like you breathe through liquor gills. Oh, and you eat too. Bad food. Real food. A “No, thank you,” would have sufficed. I’m not interested in your issues and your pretend distain for restaurants that you go to all the time except for today, when you smugly inform me that you don’t do that.

I can’t keep up with the self-delusional rules, everyone. Things are, or they are not. Look, I’m a person who sometimes eats healthy, and sometimes I vacuum up some pad thai because it’s awesome. But I don’t pretend about it. I don’t smug-and-run the person who is just fucking trying to order lunch.

I don’t want your life story. I think it’s way more boring than mine anyway, since mine involves fun food and great sex.

Dear Someone Else: Eat a Freakin' Big Mac Already

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Q: Is there such a thing as too thin?
Original A: Magazine "Teen Vogue" Rachel S., 17 (this answer is from a 17-year-old) Theoretically, yes, but I think all the starlets that magazines say are too skinny are really attractive. When Jessica Simpson was superslim, you could count her ribs, I thought she was pretty. It's sexy to see bones.

The Correct A: Dear Puking Up One Lettuce Leaf At A Time:
Yes. There is such a thing as too skinny. We are so saddened that young women nowadays have no idea what a normal female body should look like. Women are curvy. We are supposed to be. Men actually like that. We are soft and rounded and sexy and fertile. A woman who is nothing but bones and skin and implants is a freak. Reclaim your feminine features, chicas! Don't be extreme and pig out and become fatty blimps, just eat a normal balanced diet including protein, carbs, fruits and veggies, and yes now and then junk food, and do some moderate exercise and BE BEAUTIFUL. BE A WOMAN. We find it utterly amazing how our society (don't misread us here, we love America) creates problems for itself. I don't think annorexia or bulemia are really a problem in Ethiopa. There IS such a thing as too skinny. BE HEALTHY AND LOVE YOURSELF FOR IT!

Unsolicited Advice: Dear Britney Spears

We know, we know. Everyone is talking about Brit. But we’re a new blog trying to get hits, so putting Britney Spears in our posts is sure to increase hit count (Britney Spears naked, Britney Spears meltdown, Britney Spears alien abduction.)

Here at BHB think that Britney is on the right track completely. People seem to want Brit to claim her old career back. As she proved at the VMAs, she doesn’t want her old career back ya’ll! All that singing, recording, rehearsing, blah blah blech! It’s too hard. Paris (Paris Hilton naked, Paris Hilton meltdown, Paris Hilton is an alien) has proved that “work” and “ability” are not necessary for fame. And we think Brit’s Southern-fried performance art is the best thing we’ve ever soon! You can take the ho out of Cracker-ville, but you can’t take Cracker-ville out of the ho. She is both an entertainment and a public service. Fame whoring stage parents the world over can threaten, “Do you want to turn out like Britney Spears?” to their children. Kids in red states who don’t get Sex-Ed classes anymore now know what a hoo-hoo looks like! Don’t turn back now Britney! Keep up the nasty nasty good work.