I'm Hairy Noon and Night; Hair That's a Fright.

DEAR ABBY: Is there a rule of etiquette regarding how men should wear long hair? My boyfriend's hair isn't long enough to pull into a ponytail, but it's long enough that he is constantly sweeping or shaking it out of his eyes. If we were to go to a funeral or similar ceremonial (or formal) event, what should he do? I need some input. -- HAIR-RAISING QUESTION

Dear Hair Which Has Been Raised:

Boy, Abby is on FIRE this week. She recommended hair gel to you. Yum! Long, nasty hair gelled back into a… something… we don’t know. She just said to gel his hair. Is it 1987 where Abby lives? Judging by her picture, we think so.

We’re confused – it’s not that long if it can’t be put in a ponytail, yet he’s luxuriously shaking it out of his eyes. Is it some kind of horrible Jonas Brothers monstrosity?

OK, the curly Jonasseses aren’t that bad, but the straight hair one is, like, vom. But it looks like you can ponytail that crap. So, we’re just babbling confusedly really.

Maybe it’s an uggo Zac Efron thing? Douche-tastic!

If so, we’re sorry, but it cannot be saved without a cut. Many of the younguns like these new gorpy haircuts, but we are anti-gorp here at BHBs. The Harry Potter movie where all the boys sported that crappy floppy hair was a total bonerkiller. We recommend either a haircut or a commitment to grow the hair longer so he can be a ponytail guy. Ugh – kids today. Get off our lawn!

*Sob!* Why, Oh Why Didn't We Meet You First?

Dear Too Real Women:
My female boss has invited me out for dinner. She says that it is to thank me for landing a big client. I’m a single guy and she has kind of flirted with me in the past. How can I make sure that the dinner is all business, as I don’t want to be dessert?

Dear Mr. Irresistible:
Alas, I’m sure there is nothing whatsoever you can do. You must bed her like the stallion you are! Your clear charm and erotic male-ness leap off the interwebs and into our hearts! We are damp with passion just thinking about you, and we are sure she cannot possibly resist you.

Some might say that her “flirting” with you might just be a nice effort to create a worktime happy place for all that you are possibly misinterpreting, but not us. She’s a little woman, so all she really wants is to land a big client-getter like you, quit the better job she has, and have babies to coo at. I’m sure all the women you encounter are the same.

Do try to let her down easy. We double dog dare you. Open the dinner by clarifying the no-sex ground rules. She’ll love the manly and assertive way you have handled the situation. We promise.

An engagement ring on the first date? Pushy!

Dear BHBs:
I just started to date on the internet. I've been texting and talking on the phone with someone for a few weeks. He seems very nice. He texted me on Christmas and New Year's with very sweet message, but I felt a little pressured since we haven't met. Last night we set up a day to finally meet in person and he told me that he got me a little present. Am I over-reacting or is he being too pushy. After our coffee date, I could discover that I'm not attracted to him, but I almost feel an obligation to him now because he's invested so much.

SOS!
[Name Redacted]

Dear Mystery Person Who’s Name We Took Out Because Well We Did:

Hmmmmmmm! We want to know what the present is!! If…

A. It’s a funny button or something that eludes to a witty conversation you two had about how you think Ellen Degeneres is a freak and so this button totally reminds him of that, than we say neat! He listens and thinks Ellen Degeneres is a freak, too. You’re made for each other!

B. It’s a “Faces of Death” DVD he got you because you mentioned your great-grandfather died in a tragic tractor / manure accident and there’s a guy in it who also dies (on camera!) in a tragic tractor / manure accident… than… EWWWW and run away!

So, as you can see, we think it entirely depends on the “little gift”. Think of it as one more clue for you to use to determine if he’s a Tom, Dick or Scary. You are over-reacting a bit, in our learned opinion, and he may not be too pushy (again, depends on gift. A box of condoms? Pushy! A flower? Sweet.)

Whatever the little gift is, you are not obligated to either accept it or another date just because he voluntarily spent money on you. You are in charge of your density! Go, date, and be choosy!