The One in Which We Adopt Made-Up Internet Words

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
ok what does it mean when a friend is sometimsey ? you know like when sometimes they you like sometimes they seem like they dont ?? I work with a friend that is like this . sometimes when I say hi she is all jolly and then there are those times she is like whatever I mean she says hi but she just different acting . sometimes lunch breaks she says hey go to lunch with me talk with me some days she just looks real crabby . I only go to lunch when she ask me wich is cool since I like being alone on lunch breaks anyway . really the lunch thing is fine I would rather be alone on lunch but I am not mean about it . then there was the time she begged me to go to the club with her I didnt wanna go but went anyway . when i called to meet up with her for going clubbing she acted like she didnt want me to go . why did she beg and force me to go then when I do go she acted like she didnt want me to go ?? well at first it was just gonna be me and her meeting another girl and she didnt wanna go alone and then her sister and cousin decided to go . so was it that she found other people and didnt need me to go ?? maybe she just wanted to use me ?? she is like this alot !! do you think she uses me ??

Dear Captain Grammar:
OK, we are totally adapting “sometimsey” as our new favorite word. That’s pretty much the only reason we picked out this question. Sometimsey we are like that.

Your co-worker only wants to hang out with you when there is no one better to hang out with. Sad, tough to hear, but true. We BHBs have both been there before, even though it might be tough for our adoring public to reconcile such, as we are so insanely awesome. But it’s true, and it hurts until you stop letting it hurt you.

You can either continue to hang out with Sometimsey and choose to not be offended when she snubs you, or you can drop her like Dorothy dropped Stan Zbornak after he screwed that flight attendant. Either way, this person is not really worth your time or consternation. Find a better, truer friend yourself and have fun good times with them. We all deserve better than a sometimsey. We all deserve a friend who is alwaysey. Except for Osama Bin Laden. Really, fuck him.

A Quiz: Whither Cramps? Or, How to Get Laid

Dear Mens:

We Brutally Honest Babes wish more sexing for the world. First, we think there would be less war, anger, terrorism, etc. if the world had more (carnal) love, sweet love. After all, if the jihadists who do terrible deeds just had their virgins in the first place, there would be no need to strap on dynamite jackets. Second, sexing is fun.

Mens, take our short quiz and learn.

Your woman says, “Ouch! Dear me, I seem to be experiencing beautiful natural cramping as a result of my feminine cycle. My lady flower is indeed wonderful, but sometimes ouchey, alas.” [May also be heard as, “Fuck me and fuck my fucking ovaries fuck!! Die die die!!”]

You:

A: Grimace at the word “cramps”

B: Say in reply, “Ugh – you’re not getting your period again, are you? Guess I’ll beat off to porn.”

C: Both A and B

D: Grab your woman a vicodin, a glass of wine, a hot water bottle and put “Atonement” on the DVD, remarking how Keira Knightley is too skinny, but how dreamy James McAvoy is and how he is a lesson in sensitive yet strong manliness.

If you answered A or B, I’m sure you enjoyed your evening on the couch.

If you answered C, stick a fork in you, you’re done.

If you answered D, you may not get sexing when your lady is all sore boobs and cramps, but as soon as she’s out of that, raise the mast, you’re off to plunder the depths! (And by “plunder the depths” we mean “get laid”. It’s just a nicer way of saying same. And more piratey.)

See, you might think that cramps are some kind of personal inconvenience to you, a ticket to bitchytown as it were. And as true as the whole bitchytown thing is, it’s not really about you. Shocking we know. Your lady is in genuine pain, and your reaction should be one of sympathy. Now, crotch bleeding does not give your lady a blank check to stab you with a spoon or anything, but give her a small break, OK? She’s bleeding out the crotch.

Think of cramps as an opportunity to build good will! And goodwill leads to sexing.

I Don't Know What Your Problem is... We Love Getting Set Up with Creepy Men Against Our Wills!

Dear BHBs:
How do I make people believe me when I tell them I’m not really looking for a guy? How's that for a question? I'm almost 30 years old, and due to an... interesting... childhood, I guess you could say I’m developmentally stunted. Or just a late bloomer. I didn't even start LOOKING at guys until high school, and even then I wasn't really interested. NOW... well, I guess I’m sort of interested in the idea of a relationship (or maybe it's just that a second income sounds REALLY GOOD), but not enough to put forth any effort. I'm not the sort of girl who's attracted to anyone based on their looks. He'd have to open his mouth AND he'd have to avoid saying anything obnoxious for at least the first few minutes.

Yet every single person that I speak to wants to "help me" get a guy. Or they "know this great guy". Or they point out every single flipping man I walk past in the grocery store. I have friends who run up to strange men and ask if they're single "for me". I don't care if they're single. I don't care about them at all. I just want to buy my groceries.

You know what I REALLY hate? When I tell people I don't date, they almost invariably ask if I’m a lesbian. Lesbians DATE, people, they just don't date MEN.

Is there a polite way to get everyone off my back?

Dear Awesome Lady:
Woot! You better preach sista! There are so many excellent points in your question, we’re kinda wondering why you even need us? You sound like a very together chick.

First of all, Late Bloomer sounds way better than Developmentally Stunted, so we’ll go with that. We were semi-late bloomers as well, with neither of us dating for real until college. You’re not alone! Our criteria in men has always included “don’t say stupid shit” too – as well as “don’t do stupid shit”. You don’t have to justify your method of dating or not – you are Queen of your world and you can rule it as you see fit!

But onto your question – how to stop the busy-bodies? We think you need a sit down with the parties in question. Address the situation in a friendly setting, and not when they are pushing some dumbass in your face. Tell them look, this is simply not cool anymore – I love you as my friends, but I do NOT want what you are selling. Tell them you really are a happy and contented person, but that you appreciate the fact that they want to help you. Their annoying busyness is really just a sign that they care, and it should be addressed as such. If they ultimately do not respect your wishes after this talk, then you have to evaluate whether you want these folks as friends (i.e. if this boorish behavior is a deal breaker in your relationship).

As for the lesbian question – we have a foolproof response to impertinent and douchbaggy questions. The next time someone asks you if you are a lesbian – ask them in turn, “Why do you ask?” Make them explain to you why they are prying into your personal life without invitation. Just stand there with a big smile on your face and be silent as they struggle to explain themselves, and then never answer their question. If they really persist, a nice “That’s none of your business” or a “Why, are you gay?” will suffice.

PS – You should start grocery shopping alone. Grocery shopping is annoying enough without the man-parade included!

You Can't Teach an Old Bag New Tricks

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

From AskJohnQ.com: A single mother who has 26 year old, a 21 year old and a 17 year old girls has had sex with her 21 year old daughter ex-boyfriend who is 23 years old, now he is trying to hook up with her 26 year old, she does not want him to hook up with her daughter but does not know how to keep him away from her family. They do not know that this affair happened with the mom and the daughters ex boyfriend and he has remained a friend of the families. Should she tell her 26 year old about the affair?

Dear Mom who has Written into Public Advice Column “Anonymously”:
Hold on – I need to read all that again. Um Hmm… Skanky Mom… Skanky Dude… Daughters in desperate need of therapy. Got it! If I were on the Jerry Springer set I might throw a chair at the Mom and holler, “What about the children? Won’t someone please think of the children??!” Does that answer your question?

Don't Worry - We're Haters, Too

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I am sick of people. People who swear. People who like dogs. People who are rude. People who like cats. People who wear perfume. People who run me off the road. People who hate aardvarks. People who write letters to the editor. People who watch football. People who don't take a bath. People who hum when they work. People who are slobs. People who like Nascar. People who wear dirty tennis shoes. In short ... all kinds of people. I'm thinking that I should just move into a cave and stay away from the human race as much as possible. Is there something wrong with me?
Not-A-People-Person

Dear Intelligent Person:
There is nothing wrong with you. We are snarky women who hate many, many things. We had a discussion about all the stupid people which went something like this:

Lucy: Take a look at this question!

Ethel: I’m sick of people, too.

Lucy: I know – she thinks there’s something wrong with her, but I think it’s very sensible to want to live in a cave due to the schlubs who abound in modern society. Just not very practical.

Ethel: I hate people who order hard things at McDonald's and hold up the drive through. Just order a fucking Big Mac already.

Lucy: I hate the parents who drive their kids to school near where I live – they all dodge traffic and run their kids across the street instead of using the cross walk 50 feet away. Nice – teach your kid to run into traffic.

Ethel: I hate people who put ketchup on everything.

Lucy: I hate people who say “At the end of the day.”

Ethel: I hate people who tell me it’s wrong to ride horses.

Lucy: I hate that my hubby hates Halloween.

Ethel: That totally blows.

Lucy: I know! I love Halloween!

Ethel: I hate people who like housework.

Lucy: And then they tell you all about it like they are a saint or something. Yeah, fuck them!

Ethel: I hate people who tell me I don’t have to drink to have a good time. Sometimes, I want to drink! Don’t give me your uninvited commentary.

Lucy: I hate people who say really smugly that they never watch TV. As if it’s a badge of honor. I had a lady do that, and then the next time I saw her she asked if I ever watch such and such TV show because she loves it.

Ethel: Did you hit her?

Lucy: No, I wanted to though.

Ethel: I hate it that you can’t just hit stupid people.

Lucy: Agreed. Some people need a good slap.

Ethel: I hate people who give you uninvited hugs. They are never people whom you would choose to hug.

Lucy: I hate men who leer at me in front of their wives and children.

Ethel: Yes!!! Whew! That felt good.

Lucy: It probably didn’t help our friend though. She can either go live in said cave, learn to deal, or buy a gun and have a few brief moments of bloody satisfaction before they cart her off to the pokie.

Ethel: She’d be around a lot of people in jail. Most of them annoying, I’m sure.

Lucy: Hmmm.

Ethel: If she started a fight in jail then she’d get solitary!

Lucy: Yeah! But then of course there’s all the people she gunned down….

Ethel: Probably not the best solution.

Lucy: No.

Ethel: Then she needs to deal – I find that giving myself a little present after a particularly trying day is nice.

Lucy: Like that Big Mac, or a coffee.

Ethel: Or a ring from the 99 cents store.

Lucy: Or a new lipstick!

Ethel: She should take a deep breath, be glad she’s not a stupid as all the people she hates, and move on. Life is too short.

Lucy: And just fantasize about slapping them all, but not actually doing it.

Ethel: Uh, oh - we swore at the lady who hates people who swear.

Lucy: Good thing we told her not to gun down people who annoy her.

Ethel: I hate people who like Nascar, too.

Lucy: Who doesn’t?

By Hook or by Crook

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

From AskJohnQ.com:

I'm a 30 year old stripper and people think I'm too old. I'm also a hooker!! should i stay with my well-moneyed job or find a new one. I'm RICH okay so you know if i quit my job then i might not be able to pay my bills. -Help-

Dear Richer Than Us (Damn Why Didn’t We Become Strippers?!):

Our questions for you are these: Do you think you are too old to strip and hook? (Is “hook” the verb for “hooker”?) Do you enjoy making your money this way? It sounds like you enjoy the hookery as you used two exclamation points. And it makes you RICH. RICH is awesome.

If you don’t like it/ think you’re too old, than transition into a new career level. Perhaps Madam? The money might be better! We are sure it’s rather hard to just go to accountant school after making mad money hooking and stripping, but if you like math, then maybe a new job is in order. If you are thinking it might be time to not be a slut for a living, then maybe try to meet a rich man whilst stripping and trick him into marrying you. Then your nouveau riche lifestyle can wash away the hollow sadness from the past.

…And who are these people from whom you seek career advice? Johns? Other hookers and strippers? Screw them. (Get it? Johns – screw them! HA!) Let the market decide when you quit. If you still enjoy what you do (and please, think about that), then do it! When you can’t pay your rent in one dollar bills anymore, then it’s time to stop.

P.S. We sort-of think that this isn’t a real question. But maybe it is. We BHBs strongly encourage all hookers and strippers to write in, as it’s totally fun to think of all the fun ways to use derivatives of “hook” in a sentence.

P.P.S. We are against hooking as a profession in general, as it would be nice if all women could be employed in a dignified fashion. Many women (and children, good Lord) are forced against their will or out of desperation into this life, and it saddens us.

Dear Someone Else: Blue Suede Blues

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

The I-Want-to-Recycle-My-Cheapskate-Friend Problem
DEAR E. JEAN (Elle): For my best friend’s birthday, I gave her a gorgeous dress. Two days later, for my birthday, she presented me with the ugliest light-blue suede handbag imaginable. It looks like something she got for Christmas last year and then let sit around for 10 months, gathering dust and stains—it’s filthy. She’s supposed to be my closest friend! Do I buy suede cleaner and keep quiet? Or do I call her out on this?—Hurting in Hollywood

Dear Hurting in Hollywood:
Buy yourself some blue suede shoes with dust and stains on them to go with the friggin’ bag and keep your mouth shut. You’ll look hip and “vintage.” Besides, maybe your friend is poor right now and the yucky purse was the best she could do. Or, maybe she thought the “gorgeous” dress you gave her was truly hideous and she thought to repay you in kind. Taste is subjective. Next holiday arrange to buy each other gift cards of the same value to the same store. Boring, but fair.

Dear Someone Else: Riding My High Horse

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

DEAR E. JEAN (Elle): I earned a degree in political science, and it was the most poisonous department—full of small-minded, pessimistic people. After graduating, it quickly became obvious that my expensive degree would not get me a job. So now I’m attending graduate school, studying finance. I don’t like it and I’m not good at it, but at least it will guarantee me a career.

But should I even try to be rich? I won’t be happy unless I make the planet a better place. But how do I support myself and save the world, E. Jean? So many liars, bigots, and know-it-alls are screwing it up!—Running from the Rats

Dear Running from the Rats While Riding My High Horse:
You are obviously a wonderful, self-sacrificing, and truly amazing person~clearly much better than the rest of us schleps. We suggest you start your own religion. Yes, yes, we think being the self-appointed leader of a religious cult is just the career for you! Think of the potential you will have for earning some tax exempt dough via the offering plate, and also becoming savior of the world, AND condemning all the “liars, bigots, and know-it-alls” to eternal damnation! Oh, one thing more~Kool Aid got such a bad rap. Why not have your followers try Gatorade, or maybe Crystal Light instead.

Dear Someone Else: Who Knew Condoms Prevent Herpes?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear GirlShrink,
After 2 years of friendship, I started dating a guy I really, really like. However, after our first sexual encounter, I contracted herpes from him. I was / am on the pill, he wore / wears condoms. I noticed nothing strange on his body. I can honestly say, we did everything right. We got through it, physically and emotionally, and after much discussion with each other and our doctors, I realize he did not give me an std consciously. My question is, can / should the relationship survive? We are both at a time and place in our life where we are looking to settle down and get serious. However, part of me can't seem to get over the fact that this virus will be with me forever and he's the one who gave it to me. What do you think?

Dear Why on Earth Didn't You Use a Condom, Idiot:
Why, oh why, do women do this? Just because he says he's clean or he "looks clean" that does not mean he is clean! Golly gee, I don't see the AIDS - it must not be there! Dipshit. There's only one way to guarantee a clean bill of health - make him show it to you! If he doesn't care enough to take a needle for you, he doesn't deserve to have you the really fun way a.k.a. sans condom. However, you have the big H now and there's nothing to be done. Might as well stay with him. Pill schmill - you cannot blame him. You are the one who did not take control of your own health and care enough about yourself to prevent this. Have herpes together and be happy. Maybe you can buy the Dynamiclear in bulk!

Dear Someone Else: OMG My Friend is, Like, Gonna be Britney Spears!

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Mrs. Web, My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good. I 'm afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me. What do I do?

Dear Cart Before Horse,
What about your friend makes you think that she might not remember you? She sounds like a bitch. Don't worry about this issue, as the real world of the music business will probably crush your friend and spit her out upon the casting couch from whence she came. If she does happen to get famous, look past her shallowness and be her equally-shallow entourage-like hanger-on, instead of her manager. That way you don't have to do any work. Start a clothing line with her so that you may profit from her fame and name it something stupid that's a combination of your two names. Then, when you aren't friends anymore due to her cocaine and cheeto filled meltdown at the MTV Movie Awards, write a book about her and appear on Oprah. Resist the temptation to run about underwearless. That's nasty. So stop hating on your friend because she's talented. Instead of going to college and making something intelligent of yourself, you can be a groupie. Doesn't that sound nice?