Bitch Slap of Common Sense: Don't Look Stupid

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

It was over 70 degrees today in Los Angeles. 80 on the valley.

Take. Off. Your. Scarf.

Take. Off. Your. Scarf!!

You're wearing a scarf. Wrapped fifteen times, so that it looks like a lavender goiter protruding from what used to be your neck, but what I now assume is some sort of scarred/ Frankenstein bolt appendage since you choose to put eight pounds of fabric around it.

You're one step away from looking like a Dickensian ragamuffin who will ask me for porridge.

Whatever cute shape you might have is ruined because you look like you killed a muppet and attached it to yourself as some sort of gruesome prize.

You look stupid. Literally. You look like you have little to none of the sense God gave you. It's hot! It's not scarf weather! If you can wear it with short shorts and a tee shirt, TAKE IT OFF!

I don't care if Jennifer Aniston does it, young lady! She looks stupid too!

Now that we have that settled....

Can we discuss the Uggs?

I mean, It was over 70 degrees today in Los Angeles. 80 on the valley...

The One in Which We Adopt Made-Up Internet Words

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
ok what does it mean when a friend is sometimsey ? you know like when sometimes they you like sometimes they seem like they dont ?? I work with a friend that is like this . sometimes when I say hi she is all jolly and then there are those times she is like whatever I mean she says hi but she just different acting . sometimes lunch breaks she says hey go to lunch with me talk with me some days she just looks real crabby . I only go to lunch when she ask me wich is cool since I like being alone on lunch breaks anyway . really the lunch thing is fine I would rather be alone on lunch but I am not mean about it . then there was the time she begged me to go to the club with her I didnt wanna go but went anyway . when i called to meet up with her for going clubbing she acted like she didnt want me to go . why did she beg and force me to go then when I do go she acted like she didnt want me to go ?? well at first it was just gonna be me and her meeting another girl and she didnt wanna go alone and then her sister and cousin decided to go . so was it that she found other people and didnt need me to go ?? maybe she just wanted to use me ?? she is like this alot !! do you think she uses me ??

Dear Captain Grammar:
OK, we are totally adapting “sometimsey” as our new favorite word. That’s pretty much the only reason we picked out this question. Sometimsey we are like that.

Your co-worker only wants to hang out with you when there is no one better to hang out with. Sad, tough to hear, but true. We BHBs have both been there before, even though it might be tough for our adoring public to reconcile such, as we are so insanely awesome. But it’s true, and it hurts until you stop letting it hurt you.

You can either continue to hang out with Sometimsey and choose to not be offended when she snubs you, or you can drop her like Dorothy dropped Stan Zbornak after he screwed that flight attendant. Either way, this person is not really worth your time or consternation. Find a better, truer friend yourself and have fun good times with them. We all deserve better than a sometimsey. We all deserve a friend who is alwaysey. Except for Osama Bin Laden. Really, fuck him.

April's Fool

Dear Abby: When a person cooks a meal, isn't it also his or her responsibility to do the dishes when the meal is finished? If not, then who should? I think the cook should be responsible. – Boiling Over in St. Louis

Dear Will Not Work for Food:
You must be the recipient of the food, because we can’t believe the cook would write this.

We totally agree with you. They slaved over a hot stove to cook, and their responsibility does not end there. They should dab your face with your napkin as you eat, perhaps even cut your food into bite-size-pieces. After they are finished with the dishes, they should join you in the loo, so that they may easily wipe your ass as you divest yourself of the food they generously prepared. If any bits spilled on your clothes from out your slack-jawed mouth, the cook should immediately skip to the creek so they may wash them and beat them on a fucking rock as they sing “Old Man River”. Why should their job stop at cooking? It’s madness. If they are not burping you after the meal, they are hateful and you should go eat at some other person’s house. Not ours.

* Edited to add: Lucy wrote the above. Ethel pointed out that at a fancy dinner party, the guests should not do the dishes. Lucy totally agrees, but took the tone of the letter as more of a friend at friend's house kind of thing, as Boiling Over didn't say "dinner party". If it's a friends or family kind of thing, we agreed that at least offering to help with the clean-up is the right thing to do. That is all.

I Don't Know What Your Problem is... We Love Getting Set Up with Creepy Men Against Our Wills!

Dear BHBs:
How do I make people believe me when I tell them I’m not really looking for a guy? How's that for a question? I'm almost 30 years old, and due to an... interesting... childhood, I guess you could say I’m developmentally stunted. Or just a late bloomer. I didn't even start LOOKING at guys until high school, and even then I wasn't really interested. NOW... well, I guess I’m sort of interested in the idea of a relationship (or maybe it's just that a second income sounds REALLY GOOD), but not enough to put forth any effort. I'm not the sort of girl who's attracted to anyone based on their looks. He'd have to open his mouth AND he'd have to avoid saying anything obnoxious for at least the first few minutes.

Yet every single person that I speak to wants to "help me" get a guy. Or they "know this great guy". Or they point out every single flipping man I walk past in the grocery store. I have friends who run up to strange men and ask if they're single "for me". I don't care if they're single. I don't care about them at all. I just want to buy my groceries.

You know what I REALLY hate? When I tell people I don't date, they almost invariably ask if I’m a lesbian. Lesbians DATE, people, they just don't date MEN.

Is there a polite way to get everyone off my back?

Dear Awesome Lady:
Woot! You better preach sista! There are so many excellent points in your question, we’re kinda wondering why you even need us? You sound like a very together chick.

First of all, Late Bloomer sounds way better than Developmentally Stunted, so we’ll go with that. We were semi-late bloomers as well, with neither of us dating for real until college. You’re not alone! Our criteria in men has always included “don’t say stupid shit” too – as well as “don’t do stupid shit”. You don’t have to justify your method of dating or not – you are Queen of your world and you can rule it as you see fit!

But onto your question – how to stop the busy-bodies? We think you need a sit down with the parties in question. Address the situation in a friendly setting, and not when they are pushing some dumbass in your face. Tell them look, this is simply not cool anymore – I love you as my friends, but I do NOT want what you are selling. Tell them you really are a happy and contented person, but that you appreciate the fact that they want to help you. Their annoying busyness is really just a sign that they care, and it should be addressed as such. If they ultimately do not respect your wishes after this talk, then you have to evaluate whether you want these folks as friends (i.e. if this boorish behavior is a deal breaker in your relationship).

As for the lesbian question – we have a foolproof response to impertinent and douchbaggy questions. The next time someone asks you if you are a lesbian – ask them in turn, “Why do you ask?” Make them explain to you why they are prying into your personal life without invitation. Just stand there with a big smile on your face and be silent as they struggle to explain themselves, and then never answer their question. If they really persist, a nice “That’s none of your business” or a “Why, are you gay?” will suffice.

PS – You should start grocery shopping alone. Grocery shopping is annoying enough without the man-parade included!

A Flaming Bag of Poo Always Helps

Dear BHBs:
What is a nice way of letting two pain-in-the-ass volunteers go while minimizing the risk of backlash? (These are people who are overly critical and don't do much work themselves).

Dear In a Voluntizzy:
We had to tag team such a delicate question. Lucy and Ethel chime in – with help from a very special guest! *Drum Roll Please!* Meet Lucy’s Mom, our first and most loyal reader, when she remembers our URL. She has a particular talent for dealing with interesting volunteers….

Lucy: Well, Ladies! How do we tell two useless, bitchy people to screw off without saying screw off?

Ethel: A flaming bag of poo on their porches?

Lucy: Well, if they are this annoying, they might not know from whom the poo tolls!

Ethel: Indeed.

Lucy’s Mom: The problem with idiot volunteers is that they drive away good ones! All you have to do is look on the faces of the other people and you know.

Lucy: Excellent point, Mum!

Ethel: We can’t let them lose all their good peeps.

Lucy’s Mom: I say just start to cut their hours. Most volunteers have a certain schedule. Call them the day before they are to show up. Tell them that you have a great new volunteer (or two) who can only work at the exact time/ dates they usually do. You’re so sorry, but you must reschedule them. Over time, slowly cut their hours more and more until they leave you or you phase them out completely.

Ethel: Yes! And if they ever ask you about it – deny!

Lucy: Run away!

Ethel: Run away!

Lucy: My first thought was to begin giving them the most horrible jobs you can, isolating the two of them from everyone else.

Ethel: If you’re in an office environment, send them out for coffee or to run all your errands, have them spend an eternity filing or alphabetizing. Have them format boring financial spreadsheets ‘till they can’t see straight.

Lucy: If it’s some kind of people or animal volunteering thing, make them clean the bathrooms or the dumpster, or shovel shit all day! A couple of days of cat vomit will take the spring out of their step!

Ethel: That’s evil.

Lucy: Yes.

Ethel: That’s why I like it!

Lucy’s Mom: You two never change. You’re still like you were as teenagers, except now you have booze.

Lucy: And this is bad how?

Lucy’s Mom: It’s not bad. I like booze, too.

Lucy: Awwwww! I love bonding with Mom over liquor.

Lucy’s Mom: Getting back to the question, dips... you could use the two together – phase out their hours while at the same time filling their remaining time with the most vile tasks.

Ethel: Nice. Well, gentle reader, we hope this helps rid your wonderful organization of assholes.

Lucy: And that you didn’t mind our poopie-filled answer.

Ethel: I still like the flaming bag of poo answer.

Lucy: Why not do that, too?

Ethel: Yes - when you care enough to send the very best!

How Much Wood Would a Wood Chuck Chuck?

AskJohnQ.com: Someone once told mee [sic] that "never leave the one you love for the one that you want because the one you want may not be the one that you love". But what if the one that you love isn't what you want?

Advice Haiku:
You make my head hurt
Opinions are like assholes
Don't ever date me

You Can't Teach an Old Bag New Tricks

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

From AskJohnQ.com: A single mother who has 26 year old, a 21 year old and a 17 year old girls has had sex with her 21 year old daughter ex-boyfriend who is 23 years old, now he is trying to hook up with her 26 year old, she does not want him to hook up with her daughter but does not know how to keep him away from her family. They do not know that this affair happened with the mom and the daughters ex boyfriend and he has remained a friend of the families. Should she tell her 26 year old about the affair?

Dear Mom who has Written into Public Advice Column “Anonymously”:
Hold on – I need to read all that again. Um Hmm… Skanky Mom… Skanky Dude… Daughters in desperate need of therapy. Got it! If I were on the Jerry Springer set I might throw a chair at the Mom and holler, “What about the children? Won’t someone please think of the children??!” Does that answer your question?

It's Enough to Drive You Crazy if You Let it

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Cubicle Coach:
My boss CrackBerrys me at 1 a.m. I feel like a loser if I respond, a slacker if I don't. What's appropriate?

Dear You Spend Your Life Putting Money In His Pocket:
*Sigh* the days of 9 to 5 are long gone, as men and women who make 5 times more than you think you should be available 24 hours a day to serve them, during vacations, sick days, and God forbid you have to run to the bathroom and pee when his phone needs answering!!

What is appropriate, in our not-so-humble opinions, is work time and personal time being delineated and separate. Now and again, yes, you should stay late to get what needs doing done, but every person needs down time and home time which will not be interrupted by a grown adult not being able to dial their own damn phone. You are not a slacker! No one but third shift should be working at 1am!

What is common nowadays, is a backwards look in time to the days of Victorian servants and masters, with the electronic so-called CrackBerry allowing the masters to harangue their servants 24/7. It is wrong. See “Prada, the Devil Wears” for a fun and stylish morality play about such bosses and the hapless but attractive assistants who attempt to please them. [Spoiler! It doesn't go well.]

Perhaps your boss is e-mailing at 1am because he hates his family and would rather work than deal with them. Perhaps she is an insomniac. What you need to find out is if there is an expectation from this person that you respond at that time. If not, great. If so, find a new job.

Don't Worry - We're Haters, Too

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I am sick of people. People who swear. People who like dogs. People who are rude. People who like cats. People who wear perfume. People who run me off the road. People who hate aardvarks. People who write letters to the editor. People who watch football. People who don't take a bath. People who hum when they work. People who are slobs. People who like Nascar. People who wear dirty tennis shoes. In short ... all kinds of people. I'm thinking that I should just move into a cave and stay away from the human race as much as possible. Is there something wrong with me?
Not-A-People-Person

Dear Intelligent Person:
There is nothing wrong with you. We are snarky women who hate many, many things. We had a discussion about all the stupid people which went something like this:

Lucy: Take a look at this question!

Ethel: I’m sick of people, too.

Lucy: I know – she thinks there’s something wrong with her, but I think it’s very sensible to want to live in a cave due to the schlubs who abound in modern society. Just not very practical.

Ethel: I hate people who order hard things at McDonald's and hold up the drive through. Just order a fucking Big Mac already.

Lucy: I hate the parents who drive their kids to school near where I live – they all dodge traffic and run their kids across the street instead of using the cross walk 50 feet away. Nice – teach your kid to run into traffic.

Ethel: I hate people who put ketchup on everything.

Lucy: I hate people who say “At the end of the day.”

Ethel: I hate people who tell me it’s wrong to ride horses.

Lucy: I hate that my hubby hates Halloween.

Ethel: That totally blows.

Lucy: I know! I love Halloween!

Ethel: I hate people who like housework.

Lucy: And then they tell you all about it like they are a saint or something. Yeah, fuck them!

Ethel: I hate people who tell me I don’t have to drink to have a good time. Sometimes, I want to drink! Don’t give me your uninvited commentary.

Lucy: I hate people who say really smugly that they never watch TV. As if it’s a badge of honor. I had a lady do that, and then the next time I saw her she asked if I ever watch such and such TV show because she loves it.

Ethel: Did you hit her?

Lucy: No, I wanted to though.

Ethel: I hate it that you can’t just hit stupid people.

Lucy: Agreed. Some people need a good slap.

Ethel: I hate people who give you uninvited hugs. They are never people whom you would choose to hug.

Lucy: I hate men who leer at me in front of their wives and children.

Ethel: Yes!!! Whew! That felt good.

Lucy: It probably didn’t help our friend though. She can either go live in said cave, learn to deal, or buy a gun and have a few brief moments of bloody satisfaction before they cart her off to the pokie.

Ethel: She’d be around a lot of people in jail. Most of them annoying, I’m sure.

Lucy: Hmmm.

Ethel: If she started a fight in jail then she’d get solitary!

Lucy: Yeah! But then of course there’s all the people she gunned down….

Ethel: Probably not the best solution.

Lucy: No.

Ethel: Then she needs to deal – I find that giving myself a little present after a particularly trying day is nice.

Lucy: Like that Big Mac, or a coffee.

Ethel: Or a ring from the 99 cents store.

Lucy: Or a new lipstick!

Ethel: She should take a deep breath, be glad she’s not a stupid as all the people she hates, and move on. Life is too short.

Lucy: And just fantasize about slapping them all, but not actually doing it.

Ethel: Uh, oh - we swore at the lady who hates people who swear.

Lucy: Good thing we told her not to gun down people who annoy her.

Ethel: I hate people who like Nascar, too.

Lucy: Who doesn’t?