Bitch Slap of Common Sense: Don't Look Stupid

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

It was over 70 degrees today in Los Angeles. 80 on the valley.

Take. Off. Your. Scarf.

Take. Off. Your. Scarf!!

You're wearing a scarf. Wrapped fifteen times, so that it looks like a lavender goiter protruding from what used to be your neck, but what I now assume is some sort of scarred/ Frankenstein bolt appendage since you choose to put eight pounds of fabric around it.

You're one step away from looking like a Dickensian ragamuffin who will ask me for porridge.

Whatever cute shape you might have is ruined because you look like you killed a muppet and attached it to yourself as some sort of gruesome prize.

You look stupid. Literally. You look like you have little to none of the sense God gave you. It's hot! It's not scarf weather! If you can wear it with short shorts and a tee shirt, TAKE IT OFF!

I don't care if Jennifer Aniston does it, young lady! She looks stupid too!

Now that we have that settled....

Can we discuss the Uggs?

I mean, It was over 70 degrees today in Los Angeles. 80 on the valley...

Viva La Burrito!

No More Apologies.

Women apologize for many, many things they should not, but my rant today is about apologizing for food.

It seems a cake cannot emerge from it’s frothy pink box without some woman at the table beginning the ritual.

“Oh, that’s so baaaaaad!”

“I shouldn’t”

“I’ll have to work out so hard after!”

“It’s evil!”

On and on, ad infinitum. Usually every female at the table will say one of the above, if only to prove to all the other women in the room that she’s sufficiently body dysmorphic enough to be in The Shame Club.

The Shame Club, the Club people like Perez Hilton have convinced us we should be in, because we dared to be female, dared to turn 19 and still be alive, dared to have cellulite, and dared to not vomit today.

You know what’s terrible? I have some suggestions, and funnily enough, cake isn’t on the list!

“Oh, that’s so baaaaaad!” – BAD is Hillary Clinton’s thighs being discussed instead of her policies.

“I shouldn’t” – I SHOULD’T perpetrate girl on girl hate crime by bashing any woman’s looks and discussing them as if they were the end all be all of her personhood.

“I’ll have to work out so hard after!” – I’LL HAVE TO really think about the fact that today is the 89^th anniversary of the 19^th amendment.

“It’s evil!” – EVIL things are honor killings, cancer and racism.

NOT CAKE!

Say it with me: I will not make a negative commentary about anything I eat. If it’s so deplorable, I will not eat it. The end.

~Lucy