Thursday, March 5, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
POOP Not GOOP: Freaky Gwynnie!
Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,
We got your latest GOOP missive about how your daddy flew the two of you to Paris, that one time, for togetherness, or something. And then you told us all about how great Paris is and that we should all go and stay in your nice hotels.
The only problem is this thing. The recession. You see, the Poors are hunkering down and trying to avoid the shit being flung by monkeys on street corners, at them, the monkeys having been sent by the investment banks to destroy us all. With monkey shit. So we can’t go to Paris this week, oh noes!
But we BHBs have a jolly, super fun proposal for you! See, we think you really want to prove that you’re Just Like Us ™ (i.e. The Poors) and that you’re not a completely out-of-touch Richie from McRichieLand. So we want to have an uproarious Freaky Friday Experience with you, in which we switch lives, for a week, and we jet to Paris, to sample the snails therein, and you come to our houses and try to figure out what the hell that smell is. And pay the rent.
So, awesome, right??!!1!
Here’s how it will work.
Happy Great Freaky Friday Experience:
1. Send us your black American Express card number. We totes won’t give it out.
2. You will fly to us. Bring Formula 409 (that is a cleaning product - your maid might have some) and Hobo Beans, to eat.
3. We will do whatever it is you were going to do that week. We act, so no one will notice when we, both, take over your movie role or whatever. Or, we are also available to:
3a) Go to your movie premiere with Joaquin Phoenix. If he shaves. We don’t care if he’s batshit, we just don’t like the beard.
3b) Eat a lot for to make restaurant recommendations.
3c) Consult a Guru so we can write a GOOP about being one with an inner aspect. PS it would be great if that inner aspect were Pot.
3d) Go shopping for items so expensive they will pay our rent forever once we sell them on eBay.
3e) Be introduced to James McAvoy and Matthew McConaughey, because you know them, right?
3f) Flip our awesome blonde hair.
4. You will have a great time at our place(s). Our husbands are available for grilling but not sex, ok?
4a) Don’t worry, we have no sexual interest in your husband.
And that’s the program! Is that great or what? You nourish your inner aspect all over the fucking place and we get lots of pedicures and a break from Life.
Call us!
We got your latest GOOP missive about how your daddy flew the two of you to Paris, that one time, for togetherness, or something. And then you told us all about how great Paris is and that we should all go and stay in your nice hotels.
The only problem is this thing. The recession. You see, the Poors are hunkering down and trying to avoid the shit being flung by monkeys on street corners, at them, the monkeys having been sent by the investment banks to destroy us all. With monkey shit. So we can’t go to Paris this week, oh noes!
But we BHBs have a jolly, super fun proposal for you! See, we think you really want to prove that you’re Just Like Us ™ (i.e. The Poors) and that you’re not a completely out-of-touch Richie from McRichieLand. So we want to have an uproarious Freaky Friday Experience with you, in which we switch lives, for a week, and we jet to Paris, to sample the snails therein, and you come to our houses and try to figure out what the hell that smell is. And pay the rent.
So, awesome, right??!!1!
Here’s how it will work.
Happy Great Freaky Friday Experience:
1. Send us your black American Express card number. We totes won’t give it out.
2. You will fly to us. Bring Formula 409 (that is a cleaning product - your maid might have some) and Hobo Beans, to eat.
3. We will do whatever it is you were going to do that week. We act, so no one will notice when we, both, take over your movie role or whatever. Or, we are also available to:
3a) Go to your movie premiere with Joaquin Phoenix. If he shaves. We don’t care if he’s batshit, we just don’t like the beard.
3b) Eat a lot for to make restaurant recommendations.
3c) Consult a Guru so we can write a GOOP about being one with an inner aspect. PS it would be great if that inner aspect were Pot.
3d) Go shopping for items so expensive they will pay our rent forever once we sell them on eBay.
3e) Be introduced to James McAvoy and Matthew McConaughey, because you know them, right?
3f) Flip our awesome blonde hair.
4. You will have a great time at our place(s). Our husbands are available for grilling but not sex, ok?
4a) Don’t worry, we have no sexual interest in your husband.
And that’s the program! Is that great or what? You nourish your inner aspect all over the fucking place and we get lots of pedicures and a break from Life.
Call us!
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