Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Have Another Cocktail, Boozehound

Dear Too Real Women: So, I am at a New Years party drinking a glass of red wine and you guessed it……I accidentally spilt some on the, yes, off-white carpet. There was a gasp from everyone around me, then a silence. I just wanted to be swallowed up by the now wine stained carpet but no such luck. I just stood there stammering apologizes while the hosts tried to clean it up. They were kind about the whole thing but what should I do now? Offer to have it cleaned, send flowers or just forget the whole thing?

Dear Clumsy Lush:
Ha ha ha! Just kidding! Once Lucy vomited in the middle of a shop when she had the flu. Vomit – way worse than wine.

Were you at a party in California? Because we swear, those people have no sense of humor. Gasping, indeed. We're glad the hosts were nice at least. Surely they knew they had off-white carpet when they served the red wine, savvy?

Shit happens. Yes, you could send some flowers with a note offering to pay to clean the rug. More than likely they will decline the offer, but you’ll have made their day. Flowers make it all better. Well, not all. If you had run over their dog in a ghastly, drunken Vespa accident, flowers probably wouldn’t have helped. But you only ruined their expensive and irreplaceable off-white carpet with your liquor-filled shenanigans. Just kidding again! Aren't we just the dickens?

How Much Wood Would a Wood Chuck Chuck? Someone once told mee [sic] that "never leave the one you love for the one that you want because the one you want may not be the one that you love". But what if the one that you love isn't what you want?

Advice Haiku:
You make my head hurt
Opinions are like assholes
Don't ever date me

Monday, January 28, 2008

Why Not Take Both?

Dear BHBs:
I recently started dating someone. He's very nice, but I've found myself very attracted to one of his friends. The feeling is mutual. I don't want to hurt him, but I should be true to myself. I have to end the relationship, but do I have a right to then see his friend or should I deny myself? It's so hard to meet people that you connect with. I don't want to pass him up.

Dear Help!:
This is all so exciting! We’re married and boring so this doesn’t happen to us. Wait, let us turn up the radio…

“Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules”

You rule-breaker you. Some of these lyrics are downright dirty (i.e. “There's just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill”.) Sounds like you want Bachelor #2 to “fill your empty place” (hee!) and who can blame you?

There are two separate issues it seems to us. First, let Bachelor #1 down gently. Just end it, without long explanations about Bachelor #2 or whatever. Second, approach Bachelor #2 once you are officially single. Dating his friend’s ex is really more of an issue for him to come to terms with and make a decision about. As Mary Macgregor tells us:

“I couldn't really blame you if you turned and walked away
But with everything I feel inside, I'm asking you to stay”

He may or may not date you. He may choose his friendship over you. Or maybe he and his friend swap the ladies all the time in a kinky sex orgy in which you may or may not want to participate. But you won’t know until you pursue him and find out. Just know that you may end up with an empty place if Bachelor #2 denies you.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Be Not Thee a Whore… at Prom.

Lucy here my lovelies! As Edith and I were giggling like fools in Florida, annoying my parents, and undertaking a particularly horrible try at finger waving our hair so that we could be 20s starlets, we perused the Prom issue of Comso Girl. Upon feasting our eyes on the ugly and slutty “gowns” offered therein, we decided to create a new regular feature “Be Not Thee a Whore”. This is the second non-whore plea we have offered to the Universe – the first being our highly popular post “Unsolicited Advice: Don’t Dress Little Caitlin like a Whore for Halloween”. It received 3 whole comments – some kid of record, we’re sure!

We shall address several of the Terribly Trampy Trends for our nonexistent teenage girl readers.

Terribly Trampy Trend The First: Lamb Dressed as Mutton

This dress has many fatal flaws (pepto pink anyone? *shudder*), but the first we see is how old it makes her look!

Do you really want to look like the neighborhood cougar at 18?

Be young and fresh while you can. Those years of boozing it up will catch up with you before you know it anyway.

Terribly Trampy Trend The Second: Neon Nightmare

Neon is a don’t in formal wear.

Enough said.

Terribly Trampy Trend The Third:
Now We Love Leopard as Much as the Next Girl...

…but it’s cheesy at Prom.

Too much print, too trampy, and with a baby-poo brown train? The words escape us.

Oh, and she looks old in it, too. Cougar and Leopard. Too many animals for one girl.

Terribly Trampy Trend The Fourth: Cover Up the Cooter!

It’s a little hard to fathom that the biggest trend we saw in fugly prom dresses was the cooter.

Perhaps the dress is designed for multi-purpose use… prom one day; gynecologist the next!

We blame Paris, Perez and Britney. If you wear a gown like this, your vagina will hang out (and to clear up any confusion – that is a bad thing.) Dancing, walking, getting out of the limo… it’s Howdy Cooty time.

What parental unit would allow this dress? It boggles the mind.

Girls, you are a whore in this dress. Please, please, please don’t. Really. Have love for your vag – she loves you! This is no way to treat her.

The moral of the story is: a little mystery goes a long way.
Have some respect for yourself and don’t be a whore at Prom. Or anywhere. But for today, we’ll settle for Prom.

She Was Beautiful, Except for the Hemorrhoids

Gentle Readers, we here at BHBs have been tres lazy again, not posting.

Lucy went to visit Ethel and, well, there was a whole lot more giggling-like-drunk-teenagers-and-reading-crappy-romance-novels than let's-be-serious-and-blog-like-good-girls. We're only human after all.

But we did spend a lot of time brainstorming new ideas for world domination. At least there's that!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Unsolicited Advice: The Power of Smug Compels You!

I, Lucy, live in Los Angeles. Land of the La La, and home to the smuggest bitches in the world.

As I currently sit in a Web of Smug, I feel stabby thinking about the smug-and-runners who left me trying to clean off their sticky shame goo. I’m just trying to take a lunch order, ladies. I don’t need your fucking body issues!

Yes, I know you work out daily. I hear you discussing it for about 4 hours a day. I rarely hear you speak of anything else. It’s really interesting to hear all about it, every day. “You know?! I just need to eat Health-eeeeee!!!!!!! I can’t eat that stuff!!!!” OK. “No, thanks, I don’t need to order,” would have sufficed. You just can’t resist the urge to tell me about how wonderful and health-eeeee you are, can you? I’ll just look away when I see you inhale that box of chocolates.

And you, size 0 who sits and eats plates of raw vegetables every day. “I don’t order from restaurants because I gain weight easily.” Yeah. Bitch, I’ve seen you at restaurants, sucking down glass after glass of wine like you breathe through liquor gills. Oh, and you eat too. Bad food. Real food. A “No, thank you,” would have sufficed. I’m not interested in your issues and your pretend distain for restaurants that you go to all the time except for today, when you smugly inform me that you don’t do that.

I can’t keep up with the self-delusional rules, everyone. Things are, or they are not. Look, I’m a person who sometimes eats healthy, and sometimes I vacuum up some pad thai because it’s awesome. But I don’t pretend about it. I don’t smug-and-run the person who is just fucking trying to order lunch.

I don’t want your life story. I think it’s way more boring than mine anyway, since mine involves fun food and great sex.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Overlords: 1, Underlings: 0

Dear Cubicle Coach (Marie Claire): I hope this doesn't sound arrogant, but it's hard to take my boss seriously, respect her, or follow her directions — basically because I'm smarter than she is. Thoughts?

Dear Smarty Pants:
Being superior intellects ourselves, we feel you. We feel you in our own lives, and every time Dubya speaks. Lucy’s dad always says that people are promoted to one level beyond their competency, and it’s true.

Although feeling superior is such a nice, fuzzy feeling, it doesn’t really help you. You can’t do anything about your boss’ lack of brainpower. The only thing you can control is what you do and how you feel. Concentrate on your job and doing it well, and stop thinking about how much smarter you are then everyone else. It’s not arrogant so much to know you are smarter, because facts are facts, but to dwell on it and be too smug to do your job, well that’s douchey. Keep doing a great job, and maybe you’ll be her boss someday!

Besides, if we went around thinking about how many IQ points we have on the Leader of the Free World, then our brains might melt.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

*Sob!* Why, Oh Why Didn't We Meet You First?

Dear Too Real Women:
My female boss has invited me out for dinner. She says that it is to thank me for landing a big client. I’m a single guy and she has kind of flirted with me in the past. How can I make sure that the dinner is all business, as I don’t want to be dessert?

Dear Mr. Irresistible:
Alas, I’m sure there is nothing whatsoever you can do. You must bed her like the stallion you are! Your clear charm and erotic male-ness leap off the interwebs and into our hearts! We are damp with passion just thinking about you, and we are sure she cannot possibly resist you.

Some might say that her “flirting” with you might just be a nice effort to create a worktime happy place for all that you are possibly misinterpreting, but not us. She’s a little woman, so all she really wants is to land a big client-getter like you, quit the better job she has, and have babies to coo at. I’m sure all the women you encounter are the same.

Do try to let her down easy. We double dog dare you. Open the dinner by clarifying the no-sex ground rules. She’ll love the manly and assertive way you have handled the situation. We promise.

Friday, January 4, 2008

An engagement ring on the first date? Pushy!

Dear BHBs:
I just started to date on the internet. I've been texting and talking on the phone with someone for a few weeks. He seems very nice. He texted me on Christmas and New Year's with very sweet message, but I felt a little pressured since we haven't met. Last night we set up a day to finally meet in person and he told me that he got me a little present. Am I over-reacting or is he being too pushy. After our coffee date, I could discover that I'm not attracted to him, but I almost feel an obligation to him now because he's invested so much.

[Name Redacted]

Dear Mystery Person Who’s Name We Took Out Because Well We Did:

Hmmmmmmm! We want to know what the present is!! If…

A. It’s a funny button or something that eludes to a witty conversation you two had about how you think Ellen Degeneres is a freak and so this button totally reminds him of that, than we say neat! He listens and thinks Ellen Degeneres is a freak, too. You’re made for each other!

B. It’s a “Faces of Death” DVD he got you because you mentioned your great-grandfather died in a tragic tractor / manure accident and there’s a guy in it who also dies (on camera!) in a tragic tractor / manure accident… than… EWWWW and run away!

So, as you can see, we think it entirely depends on the “little gift”. Think of it as one more clue for you to use to determine if he’s a Tom, Dick or Scary. You are over-reacting a bit, in our learned opinion, and he may not be too pushy (again, depends on gift. A box of condoms? Pushy! A flower? Sweet.)

Whatever the little gift is, you are not obligated to either accept it or another date just because he voluntarily spent money on you. You are in charge of your density! Go, date, and be choosy!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Bitch Slap of Common Sense!

To ring in the New Year, here at Brutally Honest Babes we are going to inaugurate a new feature: the Bitch Slap of Common Sense. Upon reading a Bitch Slap of Common Sense post, the question asker is directed to slap their forehead hard and examine why they do not have the sense the Good Lord gave them. Slap may be administered by a friend as well. We encourage that.

From Ask We have a lady in our church that is always fanning herself the problem is she does not realize that as she is doing this she is also fanning the people sitting around her. One day my wife's arm was ice cold from this lady fanning herself. I feel sorry for her that she is always so hot but how can I politely tell her that she is making other people cold with her fanning? I don't want to hurt her feelings but she does sit near us quite often and the cold wind is very uncomfortable. Please help.

Dear You Can Hear The Fanning Wind In-Between Your Ears, Can’t You?

Sit somewhere else.