Thursday, July 31, 2008

I'm Hairy Noon and Night; Hair That's a Fright.

DEAR ABBY: Is there a rule of etiquette regarding how men should wear long hair? My boyfriend's hair isn't long enough to pull into a ponytail, but it's long enough that he is constantly sweeping or shaking it out of his eyes. If we were to go to a funeral or similar ceremonial (or formal) event, what should he do? I need some input. -- HAIR-RAISING QUESTION

Dear Hair Which Has Been Raised:

Boy, Abby is on FIRE this week. She recommended hair gel to you. Yum! Long, nasty hair gelled back into a… something… we don’t know. She just said to gel his hair. Is it 1987 where Abby lives? Judging by her picture, we think so.

We’re confused – it’s not that long if it can’t be put in a ponytail, yet he’s luxuriously shaking it out of his eyes. Is it some kind of horrible Jonas Brothers monstrosity?

OK, the curly Jonasseses aren’t that bad, but the straight hair one is, like, vom. But it looks like you can ponytail that crap. So, we’re just babbling confusedly really.

Maybe it’s an uggo Zac Efron thing? Douche-tastic!

If so, we’re sorry, but it cannot be saved without a cut. Many of the younguns like these new gorpy haircuts, but we are anti-gorp here at BHBs. The Harry Potter movie where all the boys sported that crappy floppy hair was a total bonerkiller. We recommend either a haircut or a commitment to grow the hair longer so he can be a ponytail guy. Ugh – kids today. Get off our lawn!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

An "Alf" Shirt Would be Perfect...

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell friends and family that you're not interested in being fixed up? I'm a male, in my mid-40s, happily divorced for many years and have no desire to remarry.

I raised my children on my own, have a good job and many friends, but no desire to get into a relationship that could lead to more of a commitment than I am willing to make.

My life is good, but I'm constantly bombarded with questions like, "When are you going to get married again?" or, "Why don't you let me fix you up? I have the perfect woman for you." I don't know how to respond to this constant badgering. Please advise. -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS IN OHIO

Dear Too Popular For Own Good:
We have to laugh at the advice our dearest Abby gave you. Namely, to have a t-shirt made up with the slogan “Been There, Done That” on it. Ha! She was probably kidding, but we’re making fun of her so we don’t care. Actually, it’s a great idea, because who wants an aging asshole wearing a t-shirt with a hot 80s catchphrase on it? That tee is a great way to scare off the women. May we also suggest a “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” shirt and one with Urkel on it.

Oh noes! You are a straight, single guy in your 40s and all women are desperate to get married so they all want you. Ha! Just kidding. You’re probably reasonably good-looking, or no one would try to set you up with their friends. Can you really blame your nosy, irritating hangers-on for trying to hook you up? The dating pool is dismal, especially the older you get. But you’re having fun, cheap one night stands with drunken 22 year olds and you can’t give that up for a relationship. We understand.

Tell your friends to bugger off. Man up already and tell them how you feel. This isn’t a tough conversation*. You could tell them you have the scabies or something so they don’t want their women friends to touch you, but that’s extreme. Jebus, call us when you have a real problem, whiny.

*Now, telling all your nosy, irritating hangers-on that you’re a woman trapped in the body of a man who yearns to be free – that’s a tough conversation.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Unsolicited Advice: If You Are a Sado-Masochist, Take a Man to a Musical

We love musicals. Musicals are Mother's milk to us Babes. They are burning acid to our menfolk. Stage musicals, movie musicals, random adaptations of both--we laugh and cheer and sing along while in the seats beside us our husbands cringe and writhe in agony. While it is possible for us chicas to actually enjoy a shoot 'em up bang bang thriller or even a blood-n-guts flick every now and again, we must acknowledge that our menfolk simply cannot, repeat, CANNOT, enjoy say, Xanadu or Mama Mia or even Chicago (OK, maybe they would enjoy the black fishnet/thong/stilettos number). What we're getting at is this: ladies, if you see the wonder in a fairy tale, if you like big, fat, fabulous musicals--do yourselves and your significant others a favor. Buy your man a six-pack o' beer and hand him the TV remote and tell him he can watch whatever he wants and you're going to the movies with your girlfriends. Trust us. Everyone will have a lovely time. If your man actually wants to go with you to see, say, Thoroughly Modern Millie, um, he's probably gay. Gay guys do make great dates. If your man is hetero though, give him a break. Don't bust his balls. You need them too, after all. As ze French would say, "Vive la difference!"

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Unsolicited Advice: Mommy’s Little Helper Helps Me, Too

It happened so suddenly. One minute I’m surfing the net, and the next the boy has planted a terribly sexy kiss on me while asking, “Can you make dinner, baby? I’m in the middle of stuff.”

Ugh. It’s 7:30pm, I’m tired from a rather long day, and I have important stuff to do, too! Like… reruns of Golden Girls (sniff… RIP Estelle Getty) and… um… deep political analysis. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Deep political analysis.

I’m trapped. He asked so nicely. And he befuddled my brain with sweet, sincere kissing and words of love. Damn him!

I turn to the only thing that gets me through housework. I can’t imagine why I didn’t discover it years ago. Is it meditation? Fun iPod music? No, friends. It’s liquor. Better known as Mommy’s Little Helper.

Scrubbing toilets, doing laundry, Swiffer-ing, cleaning the litter box, getting up in the morning – these are horrid chores which no sane person would enjoy. Booze injects a lovely haze of pseudo-fun on the activities.

In June of last year, Tulsa, Oklahoma unearthed a car they had buried in 1957 as a time capsule of sorts. From MSNBC:

“The contents of a “typical” woman’s handbag, including 14 bobby pins, lipstick and a bottle of tranquilizers, were supposed to be in the glove box [of the car], but all that was found looked like a lump of rotted leather.”

1957 Female Checklist:
14 Bobby Pins
Bottle of Tranquilizers

June Cleaver was high, bitches. There is no other explanation. Not even in the 50s was housework fun, no matter how many times the Home Ec. teacher tried to convince you it was. I would use tranquilizers, as a tribute to my sisters of yesteryear, only I must be the only person in LA who doesn’t have one of those doctors who prescribes Vicodin for a toe stubbing.

So our Brutally Honest advice for today, my lovelies, is to have a wee cocktail before vacuuming or cleaning cat vomit or doing your taxes. You’re allowed to – it’s one of the wonderful things about being an adult. I raise my glass to you! Or I would if it weren’t already empty.


PS: If any of my LA friends know one of those pill-happy doctors – you know where to find me. There’s a bottle of Boone’s in it for you.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

From Russia With Love

Dear BHB's:
I also have a "sometimesy" friend. She stood me up for a lunch date last month and did not return my phone calls when I tried to find out what had happened to her. After many weeks of zero communication from her, she suddenly called out of the blue all chumsey-like. She vaguely apologized for the lunch mishap, saying she suddenly flew to Morocco--she is Russian and her husband Moroccan. In the midst of our phone call she got another call coming in and put me on hold, for like, 8 minutes, until I finally gave up and hung up. I made one vain attempt to call her back later; but when she did not answer I declined to leave a message. Is this some cultural misunderstanding, or is she just rude?
Tired of All the Borscht-shit

Dear Have Some Vodka and Call it a Day:
We like the word "chumsey" too. Definitely sounds good with "sometimesy." We are a-feared that your friend is not much of a friend. Seems like she probably does inconsiderate crap like this all the time--probably not just to you. Culture-schmulture, true friendship knows no bounds. It is universally understood. Her brand of friendship is casual at best. No use in being offended, just take it or leave it. If you and she do have happy times sometimes, enjoy them. Just don't expect a phone call the morning after.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

The One in Which We Adopt Made-Up Internet Words

ok what does it mean when a friend is sometimsey ? you know like when sometimes they you like sometimes they seem like they dont ?? I work with a friend that is like this . sometimes when I say hi she is all jolly and then there are those times she is like whatever I mean she says hi but she just different acting . sometimes lunch breaks she says hey go to lunch with me talk with me some days she just looks real crabby . I only go to lunch when she ask me wich is cool since I like being alone on lunch breaks anyway . really the lunch thing is fine I would rather be alone on lunch but I am not mean about it . then there was the time she begged me to go to the club with her I didnt wanna go but went anyway . when i called to meet up with her for going clubbing she acted like she didnt want me to go . why did she beg and force me to go then when I do go she acted like she didnt want me to go ?? well at first it was just gonna be me and her meeting another girl and she didnt wanna go alone and then her sister and cousin decided to go . so was it that she found other people and didnt need me to go ?? maybe she just wanted to use me ?? she is like this alot !! do you think she uses me ??

Dear Captain Grammar:
OK, we are totally adapting “sometimsey” as our new favorite word. That’s pretty much the only reason we picked out this question. Sometimsey we are like that.

Your co-worker only wants to hang out with you when there is no one better to hang out with. Sad, tough to hear, but true. We BHBs have both been there before, even though it might be tough for our adoring public to reconcile such, as we are so insanely awesome. But it’s true, and it hurts until you stop letting it hurt you.

You can either continue to hang out with Sometimsey and choose to not be offended when she snubs you, or you can drop her like Dorothy dropped Stan Zbornak after he screwed that flight attendant. Either way, this person is not really worth your time or consternation. Find a better, truer friend yourself and have fun good times with them. We all deserve better than a sometimsey. We all deserve a friend who is alwaysey. Except for Osama Bin Laden. Really, fuck him.

Monday, July 7, 2008

*Sigh* Insert Clever Title About an Asshole Here

DEAR ABBY: "Robert" and I have been married seven years and have two sons, ages 1 and 3. Something is bothering me that didn't before -- Robert's driving. My husband speeds, tailgates, honks his horn to make others go faster and uses racial epithets. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of not trusting him or says I'm looking for something to complain about.

I am concerned for our safety and the impact Robert's behavior has on our sons, not to mention my worry about road rage. If either of our mothers drove with us they would cringe. What can I do? -- ROAD BULLY'S WIFE IN SAN FRANCISCO

Dear I’m Glad You and Your Husband Don’t Live in My City:

We think we may have flicked off your asshole husband at one point or another! The quick but not so easy solution is to stop riding in the car while he drives, or allowing your sons to do so. Immediately. Now, your husband obviously has multiple issues – he’s an angry racist twat for starters. This will cause mucho bad blood we’re sure. But what’s more important, keeping Mr. Rage Pants mollified or your safety? It’s a no-brainer.

Once you make good on your threat to never drive with him, calmly explain to him that you are afraid for your collective safety. Google some accident statistics and show him why speed and tailgating lead to tragedy. Nowadays, even honking at the wrong person could get you shot. Does he get this angry off the road as well? He may need professional help. If he resists changing, then consider that his fits of childish piss and vinegar are more important to him than you are.

As for the racist insults, well, perhaps you want to have a long conversation with yourself about the guy you married and the kind of sons you want to raise.