Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Fetch Your Overlord Some Ale and Quit Yer Bitching!

Dear BHB:
Our company has a big lavish retreat every year that every employee gets to attend with activities, meetings, and lots of food and booze. We're always told that we're a big "family" and that all are equal. The company has grown and these retreats are getting very costly, so, several of the lowest members of the "team" were sort of dis-invited this year, by just sort of never being told about it. It got out (of course) and it was awkward. I am one of those lowly people.

Turns out, that the executives get to bring spouses and children - over 20 kids all-together and 8 spouses (7 times the number of actual employees not going at all). Now, I'm having a hard time swallowing the line that it's a financial reason I don't get to attend company meetings, so that the rich boss' kids can go in my place to play and be fed. Am I right to be bitter?
Love, Bitter Bullshit Smeller

Dear Bullshit Smeller:
It's really all about nomenclature. Perhaps you should re-title yourself "Brown Noser" as it has a more positive connotation. Consider volunteering to pay for your own room and board and offer to accompany the higher ups on this lavish retreat and serve as temp nanny to their many, many children!

When you return from said retreat, you may also want to think about sharing your spare time, free of charge, of course, with your feudal overlords in order that you might make their lives more comfortable by cooking and cleaning for them and wiping their dainty bottoms when necessary. Be sure to save some of their godlike poo for adorning of your nose (even though the lowly appendage on your own serf face be not worthy of such an honor).

If you work very hard and accept your station in life, someday perhaps you may even be chosen to become part of the funeral pyre when your gracious lords expire!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

I Went to Paralegal School and All I Got Was This Lousy Lover

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Too Real Women:
I work in a law office and made the mistake of sleeping with one of the junior partners. I quickly broke it off when one of the secretaries told me that I wasn’t his first office fling. Problem is one of the female junior partners is telling everyone that I slept with this guy and is giving the impression that we are still together. What should I do, I am only a paralegal, which kinda makes her my boss? Do I wait for it to blow over or do I confront her?

Dear I Lost My Legal Briefs:
They make it look so easy on Boston Legal, don’t they? Those people bed hop like horny toads and no one seems to care.

Tongues will wag I’m afraid. If it wasn’t this junior partner it would be that one and there’s little to be done to stop it. Confront her? Why? It’s out now. Hold your head high, ignore it and do not get in a row about it. Just blame the Mad Cow like Denny Crane does.

Our question to you is… did you really break it off because you weren’t his first office romance? I have a news flash for you… *whispers* once you hit a certain age, almost everyone will have slept with someone else before you. Now, if he screws every paralegal in the tri-city area, then he’s not a keeper. But reconsider dropping anyone based on office hearsay. That’s a fancy name for gossip by the way – the same thing you don’t want others hearing about you.

If you’re really bitchy, start a rumor about the chick who’s talking about you. Something involving goats, beer helmets, and karaoke. Yeah. Karaoke!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

It's Enough to Drive You Crazy if You Let it

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Cubicle Coach:
My boss CrackBerrys me at 1 a.m. I feel like a loser if I respond, a slacker if I don't. What's appropriate?

Dear You Spend Your Life Putting Money In His Pocket:
*Sigh* the days of 9 to 5 are long gone, as men and women who make 5 times more than you think you should be available 24 hours a day to serve them, during vacations, sick days, and God forbid you have to run to the bathroom and pee when his phone needs answering!!

What is appropriate, in our not-so-humble opinions, is work time and personal time being delineated and separate. Now and again, yes, you should stay late to get what needs doing done, but every person needs down time and home time which will not be interrupted by a grown adult not being able to dial their own damn phone. You are not a slacker! No one but third shift should be working at 1am!

What is common nowadays, is a backwards look in time to the days of Victorian servants and masters, with the electronic so-called CrackBerry allowing the masters to harangue their servants 24/7. It is wrong. See “Prada, the Devil Wears” for a fun and stylish morality play about such bosses and the hapless but attractive assistants who attempt to please them. [Spoiler! It doesn't go well.]

Perhaps your boss is e-mailing at 1am because he hates his family and would rather work than deal with them. Perhaps she is an insomniac. What you need to find out is if there is an expectation from this person that you respond at that time. If not, great. If so, find a new job.

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony~I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke . . .

Dear BHB,
I fell in love with a coke addict. As in cocaine, not cola. He was self-assured, ambitious, and really amazing in bed. Now that he has been arrested several times and has been through rehab and is now "clean" he is such a different person--mamby-pampy and a bad kisser. Not at all the same man that I originally loved. What to do? I care about him, but he's really not the same man anymore. I don't love him like I loved the altered him who I thought he really was. Does that make any sense?
Sincerely, Needing a Fix

Dear Fixer Upper,
Whoa. We are glad we are not you. Of course you can't encourage him to embrace his old illegal ways; but whoa, this really sucks for you. Hmmph. How about you do your best to be there for him as a friend, and then go find yourself a hot young Latin lover? Try to find one that's definitely not into substance abuse from the get-go, so you know who and what you are loving from the start.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Unsolicited Advice: Don’t Dress Little Caitlin like a Whore for Halloween

Dear Parents:
Many young women have a choice go-to for Halloween costumes which require little in the way of imagination – choose a thing and make it “sexy”, i.e. Sexy Nurse, Sexy Waitress, Sexy Cat, Sexy Ghost. It’s popular, it’s obvious, it’s… well… Sexy. [Tangent - We here at BHBs personally prefer choosing a thing and making it Dead/ Bloody i.e. Drowned Titanic Victim (complete with wet, sea-weedy hair), Dead Juliet, Lady in White (of ghost story lore.)] However, we have noted a disturbing trend of parents allowing their daughters to dress in this same, slutty way – and we say if your child is not too old to Trick or Treat, then they are too young to dress like a whore for Halloween.

Young women have many, many years of being hyper-sexualized to look forward to. They will be harassed, degraded, demeaned and don’t-worry-your-pretty-little-headed until they are ready to vomit, scream or sue – not necessarily in that order.

Maybe little 9 year old Palmer wants to be a Bratz for Halloween. Little Palmer also probably wants to drive a car and say “Shit Fuck Damn!” whenever she feels like it, too, but you are not letting her do those things. Just because it’s every Pedophile’s favorite holiday doesn’t mean she ought to wear the mini, thigh-highs, hip boots and halter top she has all picked out. [Ahem, yes, we have actually seen a small child in public – with parents – in that outfit.]

Do you want your child to end up like Paris? This is the slippery slope friends! Sure, it’s hip boots now – a little later it’ll be the bed of a pick-up and, “No, baby, not a condom – it feels better without!” A little dignity when they are young goes a long way.

Young Tallulah can be Hermione Granger – she’s a child who is smart and fights for justice in her spare time. Or Princess Leia (ditto what we said about Hermione). Or *sigh* a Disney Princess. Yes, they are uber marketing crap but at least they wear clothes.

Would you dress your little boy as a leather-harnessed gigolo? Uh-huh. Give the same consideration to your daughter.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Don't Worry - We're Haters, Too

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I am sick of people. People who swear. People who like dogs. People who are rude. People who like cats. People who wear perfume. People who run me off the road. People who hate aardvarks. People who write letters to the editor. People who watch football. People who don't take a bath. People who hum when they work. People who are slobs. People who like Nascar. People who wear dirty tennis shoes. In short ... all kinds of people. I'm thinking that I should just move into a cave and stay away from the human race as much as possible. Is there something wrong with me?

Dear Intelligent Person:
There is nothing wrong with you. We are snarky women who hate many, many things. We had a discussion about all the stupid people which went something like this:

Lucy: Take a look at this question!

Ethel: I’m sick of people, too.

Lucy: I know – she thinks there’s something wrong with her, but I think it’s very sensible to want to live in a cave due to the schlubs who abound in modern society. Just not very practical.

Ethel: I hate people who order hard things at McDonald's and hold up the drive through. Just order a fucking Big Mac already.

Lucy: I hate the parents who drive their kids to school near where I live – they all dodge traffic and run their kids across the street instead of using the cross walk 50 feet away. Nice – teach your kid to run into traffic.

Ethel: I hate people who put ketchup on everything.

Lucy: I hate people who say “At the end of the day.”

Ethel: I hate people who tell me it’s wrong to ride horses.

Lucy: I hate that my hubby hates Halloween.

Ethel: That totally blows.

Lucy: I know! I love Halloween!

Ethel: I hate people who like housework.

Lucy: And then they tell you all about it like they are a saint or something. Yeah, fuck them!

Ethel: I hate people who tell me I don’t have to drink to have a good time. Sometimes, I want to drink! Don’t give me your uninvited commentary.

Lucy: I hate people who say really smugly that they never watch TV. As if it’s a badge of honor. I had a lady do that, and then the next time I saw her she asked if I ever watch such and such TV show because she loves it.

Ethel: Did you hit her?

Lucy: No, I wanted to though.

Ethel: I hate it that you can’t just hit stupid people.

Lucy: Agreed. Some people need a good slap.

Ethel: I hate people who give you uninvited hugs. They are never people whom you would choose to hug.

Lucy: I hate men who leer at me in front of their wives and children.

Ethel: Yes!!! Whew! That felt good.

Lucy: It probably didn’t help our friend though. She can either go live in said cave, learn to deal, or buy a gun and have a few brief moments of bloody satisfaction before they cart her off to the pokie.

Ethel: She’d be around a lot of people in jail. Most of them annoying, I’m sure.

Lucy: Hmmm.

Ethel: If she started a fight in jail then she’d get solitary!

Lucy: Yeah! But then of course there’s all the people she gunned down….

Ethel: Probably not the best solution.

Lucy: No.

Ethel: Then she needs to deal – I find that giving myself a little present after a particularly trying day is nice.

Lucy: Like that Big Mac, or a coffee.

Ethel: Or a ring from the 99 cents store.

Lucy: Or a new lipstick!

Ethel: She should take a deep breath, be glad she’s not a stupid as all the people she hates, and move on. Life is too short.

Lucy: And just fantasize about slapping them all, but not actually doing it.

Ethel: Uh, oh - we swore at the lady who hates people who swear.

Lucy: Good thing we told her not to gun down people who annoy her.

Ethel: I hate people who like Nascar, too.

Lucy: Who doesn’t?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Be A Cave Woman

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks. I think I really like him and I’d like to see him more often. I called him last night and asked if he’d like to come over. He said, “but I just saw you yesterday.” I don’t want to be clingy, but why can’t we see each other 2 days in row?! I don’t want to play any games, but I don’t want to push him away either. Help!

Dear Static Cling,
Why did YOU call HIM? Blah blah we are modern women blah blah independent and entitled blah blah. Maybe he's Cro-Magnon and proud of it. If you want this man, then let him come to you. His response to your invite is well, less than encouraging. Let him be. Have enough confidence in yourself that you don't need to spend every waking moment begging him to be with you. Desperation is unattractive. Games are fun. Maybe he wants to play. Maybe old fashioned courting is just the thing for you two. Be a cave woman. Let him drag you by the hair back to his rocky crevice for a little pinochle.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

By Hook or by Crook

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

From AskJohnQ.com:

I'm a 30 year old stripper and people think I'm too old. I'm also a hooker!! should i stay with my well-moneyed job or find a new one. I'm RICH okay so you know if i quit my job then i might not be able to pay my bills. -Help-

Dear Richer Than Us (Damn Why Didn’t We Become Strippers?!):

Our questions for you are these: Do you think you are too old to strip and hook? (Is “hook” the verb for “hooker”?) Do you enjoy making your money this way? It sounds like you enjoy the hookery as you used two exclamation points. And it makes you RICH. RICH is awesome.

If you don’t like it/ think you’re too old, than transition into a new career level. Perhaps Madam? The money might be better! We are sure it’s rather hard to just go to accountant school after making mad money hooking and stripping, but if you like math, then maybe a new job is in order. If you are thinking it might be time to not be a slut for a living, then maybe try to meet a rich man whilst stripping and trick him into marrying you. Then your nouveau riche lifestyle can wash away the hollow sadness from the past.

…And who are these people from whom you seek career advice? Johns? Other hookers and strippers? Screw them. (Get it? Johns – screw them! HA!) Let the market decide when you quit. If you still enjoy what you do (and please, think about that), then do it! When you can’t pay your rent in one dollar bills anymore, then it’s time to stop.

P.S. We sort-of think that this isn’t a real question. But maybe it is. We BHBs strongly encourage all hookers and strippers to write in, as it’s totally fun to think of all the fun ways to use derivatives of “hook” in a sentence.

P.P.S. We are against hooking as a profession in general, as it would be nice if all women could be employed in a dignified fashion. Many women (and children, good Lord) are forced against their will or out of desperation into this life, and it saddens us.

Help I Might Have a Nice Date! The Horror!

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
My boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago. It was a hard time and I am doing better. However, a guy recently asked me out and I don’t know if I’m ready to date again yet. Still, he seems cool and I don’t want to miss what could be a great opportunity. Would it be strange to ask him to wait a few weeks? It doesn’t seem good form to mention the Ex. Maybe I should just say “no thanks.” Help!

Dear Once Bitten:
Wethinks you may be over-thinking this. Which women do. A lot. Channel a man... think like him... there... your head is nice and blank... a few thoughts of video games... maybe a universal remote control... a bit of porn.

There’s no need to go into big explanations to anyone about your feelings, especially to a brand new shiny man full of promise. Don’t mention your ex, your gun-shy issues, or anything like that. If you want a few weeks to chill, just make up a big project at work or a vacation coming up or whatever and put him off for a bit, all the while encouraging him subtly from afar.

Or, just go out with him already. He’s asked you for a date - not to set the wedding date! Geesh! Have some coffee! Chat amongst yourselves! See if he’s even worth all this deliberation. Even if he’s only Mr. Right Now… well… right now boys can be very therapeutic (she said with a wink!)

Monday, October 15, 2007

...and Say 10 Hail Marys

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear E. Jean:
I’m only 25, but I’ve been with a lot of men in my young life. I always had trouble committing to one man; however, three years ago, I fell in love and have been faithful to the same guy. We’ve had “girlfriends” (threesomes), but lately we’ve had heated discussions about my “lack of adventure.” He still wants the “girlfriends,” but now he wants me with a “boyfriend.” He won’t sleep with me until I agree to it. Now that I finally want to keep my legs crossed, he doesn’t want me to! Is he actually turned on by the thought of me shagging another guy?—The Nun of Monza

Dear None-too-Good Nun:
The first thing we thought when we read your sad but cheap tale is that your faithful relationship ended the day he brought the first ho home. I don’t know what turns him on, but the sad truth is it isn’t you by yourself. Men, women, whatever – he’s not really changing the rules you both have established and to which you have agreed in the past. However, you have said no this time, and he is not respecting it.

So, in your “committed” relationship you have both cheated on each other (numerous times), he doesn’t respect you, and he gives you ultimatums. He sounds awesome. Just like someone you should fight to keep. (That last was sarcasm, since you seem to lack common sense.) Why do you love such a man? Do you even love him truly, since you screw other women on the side? If you think that giving into his bedroom demands makes him love you, then you are sadly mistaken. He doesn’t respect you – leave him. And next time, respect yourself and command respect from your partner by really committing (i.e. don’t screw around and act like a tawdry slut.)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

But What About Me, Me, Me?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Too Real Women:
I met a great lady through an online dating service. We have been emailing back and forth for a while now and I think that it is time that we met in person, she seems reluctant. How can I get her to agree to a meeting?
Raring To Meet

Dear Eager for Beaver:
First of all, we don’t like the way you want to “get her” to do anything. You can ask her, you can persuade her, but as a free woman she cannot me made to do anything. Maybe she’s getting a creep vibe from you, as we are.

You have to understand, Raring, that most women have dealt with their share of freaks, lowlifes, dumbasses, numbnuts, douchbags and frankly frightening men. She is taking the time to try to figure out if you are one of the above. Give her this time. Men think that life and dating for women is the same as it is for them. It isn’t. Most serial killers? Men. Most rapists? Uh-huh – men. So you must wrap your head around the reasons why a woman is not likely to jump up and meet every Tom, Dick and Scary who wants to meet her. A nice guy will give her the time, if he thinks she’s worth it. Do you?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Mission Statement: No More Missionary Position

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I just turned 21 and I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for a year. I really love him, but we’re having a little trouble in the bedroom. He always wants to be on top. I wouldn’t mind it some of the time or even most of the time, but I’d like to try a different position we’re so young and I’m already getting bored with our sex life. How do I talk to him about this without hurting his feelings?

Dear the Young and the Restless,
Introduce him to an attractive older and sexually experienced woman (a la “Mrs. Robinson”) and let her sleep with him a few times to teach him the ways of pleasure, and then take him back and reap the rewards of her labor. OR, just have a heart to heart with him before your next pee-pee to pee-pee. Bear in mind that you must be tactful in the presentation of your desires. Men, surprisingly enough, have feelings; and you certainly are more apt to get what you want if you don’t hurt his. Likely, he’s just having such a good time being a missionary that he assumes you’re having a good time too. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? Try making a fun suggestion (but time it right, don’t bring it up during or immediately after sex or he’ll likely feel emasculated) that you alternate who gets to choose the position. Plop an illustrated Kama Sutra on the middle of the bed and do some light reading together. We also highly recommend the Clan of the Cave Bear series by Jean M. Auel. Those cave people really knew how to swing.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Do They Even Have Creeks in New York City?

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
I'm single, good-looking and smart, but I can't seem to get a date for the life of me. I have younger, married men slobbering all over me, but finding an eligible guy has been next to impossible. Are there no single attractive men over the age of puberty in the City of New York?? I tried online dating services, but ended up going out with losers, like the idiot who announced he was hung-over on our date after showing up 45 minutes late or the guy with the picture that was at least 15 years and 25 pounds out of date. I just have trouble meeting smart, funny and, most important, available men. I have to be doing something wrong. Help!! – Up the Creek

Dear Up the Creek,
We two BHBs had to specifically consult regarding your question, as it’s a good one. Our conversation went something like this…

Lucy: Did you see that question from Up the Creek?

Ethel: Yeah – that’s a toughie!

Lucy: I know – we’re old married ladies.

Ethel: Well, not old.

Lucy: We’re hot young married ladies.

Ethel: We met our husbands on the job, what do we know?

Lucy: Maybe that’s not an option for her. She’s in New York, maybe she’s an actress and all the guys she meets at work are gay.

Ethel: Or corporate douchebags.

Lucy: Indeed.

Ethel: She needs a change of pace – a new place to meet men.

Lucy: She needs a new creek! Ha hahaa! Get it? She’s Up the Creek??

Ethel: Wow, that’s a bad joke. Don’t use that in the blog.

Lucy: OK.

Ethel: She needs to join a church! Lots of nice men at a church!

Lucy: Church is a great place to meet nice men – but maybe she’s not the churchey type.

Ethel: Hmmm.

Lucy: Hmmm. Hey! Maybe a class! Art or cooking or something like that!

Ethel: Ooh ooh – I like it. Maybe an improv class in New York! Lots of funny guys in improv class in my experience. Straight, too.

Lucy: Yes! She needs to identify the type of man she wants, and seek a new locale where they are likely to congregate in the wild.

Ethel: Or maybe these married guys can recommend friends of theirs for her to date.

Lucy: I don’t know – it could end up like that “Sex and the City” episode where Charlotte did that and it turned out the married guy was a creep and hit on her. Remember that one?

Ethel: No.

Lucy: Well. That’s what happened. And she already has married creeps hitting on her. Maybe that’s not such a good idea.

Ethel: I don’t remember that episode at all.

Lucy: They re-run it all the time.

Ethel: OK.

Lucy: What else for Miss Creek?

Ethel: Well, there’s that site – meetup.com – where they have online groups for all kinds of activities. Maybe she could join a jogging or investing club or something and meet men that way. Gear the club towards the type of man she wants.

Lucy: Maybe! But it might sound like we’re shilling for meetup.

Ethel: I wish we were.

Lucy: Me too!

Ethel: Then we’d get paid.

Lucy: Mmmmmm… Paid.

Ethel: It that all we have?

Lucy: Yup, I think so.

The Daily Grind Can Lead to Other Grinding

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I have a crush on a guy a work. We work in different departments, but see each other everyday. He stops by my office a few times a day. I think we’re both worried about dating someone from work. What should I do?

Dear Daily Grind Would-Be Dater,
Go with your gut. Many matches are begun in a working environment. We Babes met our men while on the job. Kudos to this dude because he works in a different department from you, so you two won't be easily distracting one another or getting in trouble, (or embarrassing your co-workers). If he works up the nerve to ask you on a date FOR GOODNESS SAKE DON'T YOU GO ASKING HIM OUT FIRST, THAT IS A NO-NO! then by all means have a go. If he just keeps stopping by to visit, flirt. Flirt until he does ask you out. If you hit it off, then both of you make a concerted effort to conduct yourselves professionally while in the working environment, and keep the romance for after hours.