Sunday, December 30, 2007

Unsolicited Advice: Babes Don’t Let Babes Look Stumpy

As Old Man ’07 sputters in his hospital bed and increases his morphine drip, we beseech both you faithful readers to let certain trends die right along with him. It seems silly to have to point this out, but women should enjoy making themselves look pretty. However, as we see whenever we leave our Brutally Honest House every day, this simply isn’t so. Let us embrace 2008 as the Year of Pretty and forget these shameful examples of 2007’s ugly overload.

DIE DIE DIE trend #1: Unless you are Russell Crowe, just say no!

Gladiator sandals are a no. They are flat, make the leg look stumpy, and are fugly fugly no matter how many cute dresses you pair them with.

Is a striped tan something you really need? Did you think to yourself, “What this outfit needs is more Manliness!” when you got dressed this morning? We thought not.

Don’t do it ladies. Repeat after us, “What this outfit needs is some cute baby-doll heels to accentuate my butt and elongate my leg!”

Doesn’t that feel good?

DIE DIE DIE trend #2: You can’t spell Uggly without Ugg.

We don’t even want to hear the C word. There are many comfortable shoes – trainers, flats, kitten heels to name a few. There is no reason on God’s Holy Beautiful Earth to put on pair of Uggs.

They do not look cute with anything. No, not anything. We hear you thinking, “But they look cute with my…” NO! No No No! They do not look cute with anything! You look stumpy in them, no matter how long your legs are. If your legs are short, just turn around and go home because you now resemble a waddling daschund.

UGLY! STUMPY!! UGGGGGGG!!! OK… must… calm… down.

Really. The BHBs have your best interests at heart. Throw away the Uggs.

PS: This is your first and only warning. If we ever see you in pajama pants and Uggs, we may hit you. It’s a reflex - one we don’t care to try and stop.

DIE DIE DIE trend #3: Leggings make us stabby.

Many great things came out of the 1980s.

The Golden Girls.
Margaret Thatcher.
The Pet Shop Boys.

Many terrible things were spawned in the 1980s.

The Le Car.
And Leggings.

We hate leggings with an unholy fury normally only reserved for Hitler and asshole ex-boyfriends. They are not pants. They should not go under dresses. See all the ranting about stumpiness above and substitute “leggings” for “Uggs”.

Do any of you think this is attractive? Even the model looks bad in them. They create camel toe. Many times, they have nasty cheap lace at the bottom. They are not pants! They are evil and ugly and they died once, to the relief of all mankind. And they lead to tragedy…

...we actually saw stirrup pants in a copy of Vogue.




You wouldn’t embrace any life advice Lindsay Lohan might give you, would you? Then don’t dress like her either! BURN THE LEGGINGS!

We hope these friendly and only slightly vehement fashion tips have helped you to see the light. Be kind to your bottom half – embrace the pretty in 2008!

Friday, December 28, 2007

But I Usually Have Such Good Luck with Online Psychics!

From Ask I recently consulted this online psychic and she told me that to solve a problem I would need to give a deposit of $1000 dollars and I would get it back in three days and return she sent me these crystals. Its been 2 weeks and I haven’t gotten my deposit back and cannot get in touch with her as she does not answer her phone. The money was transferred through western union and there was no receipt. I know this might be difficult but is there anyway that I could get my money back?

Dear I Hope You Like Your New $1000 Psychic Crystals:
*Ahem* We didn’t want to mention it right away in our advice column, but we here at Brutally Honest Babes are also Pcertified Psychics ©. We work for cheap wine, vintage clothes and Big Macs. We’re certain you have already sent your payment, so we’ll get right to it.

We don’t have a crystal ball, but Ethel has a dream book we like. Your personal troubles stem from a complete lack of common sense and possibly a chronic case of Pstupdity ©. You should invest your next $1000 in a shrink to help in problem solving, or possibly a therapeutic shopping trip involving Cynthia Rowley dresses and a shiny new Rabbit Pearl. You already know you’ve been taken. File a police report – bring all e-mail communication, Western Union account information, etc. to the police when you file. There’s a tiny minuscule chance they will catch this person, but in reality you should kiss your money goodbye. Damn online psychics ain’t what they used to be. Except for us, of course.

The moral of the story is – DON’T SEND $1000 TO A STRANGER OVER THE INTERNET. Sorry about the yelling – but you brought it on yourself.

Wow. We got through that without calling you a dumb shit once! Yay us.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Country Mouse/City Mouse

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
This question has a few parts, so I hope I get it right and clear. Anyway, I'm a 24 year old single with a degree and a fairly successful job in The City. However, two years ago I met a guy on an online dating site. He's a Country Boy and a nurse practitioner. We had one date and I ended up moving to Asia for a job. Well, I've been back for some time now and though he lives 2.5 hours away (in the COUNTRY!) I have driven out to see him several times. The first time I went, it was heaven. The
second time he was offish and I was distracted going off to a conference from work and it wasn't so good. I was ready to throw in the towel, but last weekend I went to see him again. The weekend was amazing, he took me out to meet his parents and slowly I'm beginning to think this City Girl might have to learn some Country ways. He said he loves every moment we spend together and that I make him smile. Anyway, the biggest issue is now I keep going to see him and he has yet to come to see me. He tells me he's interested, he's just very busy, and assures me he will come to The City as soon as he can. Still, I know he has some weekends free and still does not come. Do you think it's a sign he's not as serious as I am? But how do I interpret meeting his parents? And how does a City girl turn into a Country girl, or at least how is she sure that living in the Country won't drive her insane? Should I even be worrying about this yet? Anyway, just wondering about your thoughts.

-Sitting in the City

Dear Sitting in the City,
The country has its charms, and we understand the desire to haul yer wagon two and a half hours away for a roll in the hay with a strapping farm boy! However; this rural swain of yorn must know all about courtin’ by now. He may be plowin’ yer field while he’s playin’ the field. Sounds to us like y’all are not exclusive just yet, and if the almanac we’ve been consultin’ is correct, you’d better let him do a might more towards winning your affection. He has got to put in some work, or he just won’t appreciate the relationship as much!

It is lovely that you were able to meet his parents, though that seems to have come about rather quickly. It was a test, we think, to see if you can live up to Mama’s standards before he invests too much into you. Now that you’ve passed said test (we hope!), he ought to be a bit more keen to impress you. Sit tight and let him, no MAKE him, come to you. Country boys and city boys have something in common. They are both hunters at heart. Run away! (OK, no need to go all the way back to Asia) Sit tight in the city until his testicles descend and he becomes brave enough to face the perils of your world for a change. You are worth the chase! If he is not willing to put in a bit of effort to see you, do you really want him all that much?

Do you always want to feel that little nagging in the back of your mind that you tried too hard and he didn’t try hard enough? Both of us babes have been there and done that and it sucks. If he wants you now, he will want you even more if you can manage to be a bit coy. It’s give and take. Sounds like it’s your turn to take for a spell. As to the differences in your upbringing and lifestyle, one of us Babes is married to a bona fide country man. We have certainly experienced our share of culture shock, but have found that our differences can be overcome and even celebrated through diplomacy.

Think of the two of you as being from different countries, and enjoy experiencing his way of life as you share yours with him. If you wind up taking the old “shotgun wedding” route, consider compromising and both move to the suburbs!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Even the Snarky Require Rest

The BHBs have been on a small vacation, Dears. We have questions in store and many goodly things! We'll be back....

Sunday, November 25, 2007

How many ways can the BHBs say, "Dump Him"?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

This guy I have been dating for six months always makes it a point that we take turns paying. I don’t mind taking turns, but hate the way he emphasizes it. When it is his turn to pay, he has already planned what we will do on our date. Sometimes I have reasons I can’t go out the day I get paid. When this happens, he will say something like; "you just don’t want to go because it is your turn to pay." This really bothers me. I have told him this, but he continues with the same behavior.

Perhaps what surprised me the most was when my birthday fell on a payday and it was my turn to pay. He asked me if I wanted to go out for sushi for my special day. Guess who paid for the meal? I did.

Is this kind of turn taking normal for couples? One time I jokingly told him that he should learn to treat a woman like a lady once in a while. He suggested that I was materialistic and manipulative. Does this guy need a relationship boot camp or should I just move on?

Dear Beauty with a Beast:

You paid for sushi on your birthday because it was “your turn”? Asking to be treated like a lady is materialistic and manipulative? Hmmm… let’s see if we can put our finger on your problem. Oh, yes. Your boyfriend’s an asshole.

Sharing in payment for dates is not in and of itself a bad thing. Although we do like the double standard of men paying for the first couple of dates at least, after a while it’s lovely for the woman to contribute to the fun filled festivities. And before any man comments on how awful that double standard is, and how if women want equality they should always go dutch… as soon as we make the same amount for the same job you do, then we can re-evaluate our stance. And - our hair costs way more.

Listen to the little voice inside of you. It’s telling you he’s domineering and manipulative about money. What happens when you marry Mr. Douchey? Does he help pay for the baby’s delivery, or not because it wasn’t him who was hospitalized? And have fun itemizing the phone bill so that you pay for your phone calls. In a long-term relationship, money troubles will come and go – do you really want this man on your team for the long haul? We think he only has one team - his own. You deserve a quarterback who will take a sack for you. Tee hee! We said sack.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Maybe the Magic 8 Ball Can Help

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

One of my good friends and I recently started dating. We've tried it once before but it didn't work out because neither of us were in the right place. I was apprehensive to say yes again because he has this problem. He tends to get bored with women really quickly, when the thrill of the chase is gone things just fizzle out. He persuaded me by promising that he knew it was different this time. That he's always regretted that things didn't work out between us the first time and that he knows he won't get bored because he feel's differently about me then anyone he's ever gone out with. It's only been about a month now and I feel like things are changing already. He seems to be cooling off and I'll say not as invested as I am. I have feelings for him and I'm just not sure how he feels at this point. Are they're any signs to look for to give me some hints that he's done? I’m just not sure what to do, any opinions?

Dear Do This Don’t Do That:
Sign Sign everywhere a sign, blocking out the scenery breaking your mind. Seems to us that you are already seeing the signs, if you are getting the feeling he is cooling off towards you. Or, you could just be seeing what you always thought you were going to see with this man, and it’s all in your broken head. We’ve said it before, and it bears repeating: Women imagine drama. We think about what we think and then about he might think and then we interpret that and then we discuss it with our friends and then mix it with some rum to make Panic-Coladas. Take a deep breath and back away from the blender!

Maybe he is cooling, maybe he isn’t. Maybe he’s invested a month with you and isn’t trying as hard anymore because men love to be comfortable. After all, flowers and dinner at Chez Snooty turn into Chinese take out and Jet Li movies on DVD alarmingly fast. Try being not-as-available to him for a week or two. Don’t dump him, don’t bring it up and discuss the crap out of it and make him want to shoot himself in the head, just make it not-so-easy to be with you. Does he pursue again, or does he let you get away? It’s a simple experiment to check where you stand.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Cheater Cheater Ex-Wife Eater

Dear BHB's,
I have been separated from my wife for about 8 months now and we are about to be divorced. I had met a very charming and beautiful woman who I very much adore and would like to date and continue to get to know. I had made the mistake of sleeping with my future ex once and she myspaced a message to this other woman letting her know about it. I did tell my then girlfriend that I in fact did sleep with her. It was done as a physical release and not out of any love that I would have for her because I am no longer in love with her.The woman that I was seeing says that she doesn't know if she would allow me to be back in her life again as her boyfriend.Maybe friends,but,she doesn't know about dating me again. My question is this, is there anyway that I can show her that I know the mistake that I've made and that it wont happen again. I really,really like this woman alot and I want so much to see where the relationship could take us.I would do ANYTHING to get back in her good graces and have the chance to be with her again. Could a second chance even be given to me or has that 1 fuck up sealed my chances with her forever on that level?
Regretful Lover

Dear Regretful Don Juan,
We at Brutally Honest Babes are, alas, not perfection personified. We do screw things up once in a while. That being said, we feel justified in mentioning that YOU sure managed to make a big ‘ole f**k up. A double f**k, if you will. We joined forces on this one.

ETHEL: Gee, I wonder why he’s getting a divorce?

LUCY: Gee, I wonder. He’s a CHEATER!

ETHEL: He’s probably emotionally strapped right now and confused. His life seems complex.

LUCY: Sure it’s complex blah de blah de blah. If his ex-girlfriend has any good sense, she won’t take him back right away. He needs to examine why he cheated and be honest and take some steps inside himself.

ETHEL: It sounds to me like he realizes that what he did was wrong.

LUCY: Hell yeah, it was wrong! He’d better understand how awful it was.

ETHEL: I wonder, did he start dating his now Ex-girlfriend when he was still with his now Ex-wife?

LUCY: If he did, then I don’t feel sorry for Ex-girlfriend. Ha ha ha that’s what she gets.

ETHEL: About the whole sex with Ex-wife as merely a “physical release,” hasn’t he ever heard of slapping the salami?

LUCY: If I were Ex-girlfriend, I would be mortally offended by the whole “physical” excuse. I would just think, “Ick, you nasty man. Have you no control over when you drop your own drawers? Say you’re a bit randy and some willing skank walks by . . . "

ETHEL: Maybe Ex-girlfriend wasn’t putting out.

LUCY: Maybe, but that’s no grounds for infidelity. Trust has been broken.

ETHEL: Is there no hope for our Regretful Ex-Cheater Swain?

LUCY: Well, for starters, he should respect her wish to just be friends.

ETHEL: For awhile, anyway. We women are suckers. He may win her over again in time, as long as he can manage to keep his hands and his weenie to himself, and as long as he doesn’t go stalking her.

LUCY: Yes, now is not the moment to come on too strong. He is going to have to prove himself and regain her approval.

ETHEL: Specifically, he needs to limit contact with her and let her start to miss him a little. He shouldn’t ignore her, but he should definitely give her some breathing room. No daily calls, visits, texts, or e-mails. Communication should only be established, say, once every other week for starters. He must let their friendship grow organically according to her mood.

LUCY: And he’d better beware. Us chicas are moody.

ETHEL: He might also try the “all or nothing Grand Gesture approach,” like buying her something mondo expensive and taking her to the finest restaurant and showering her with praise; but it’s a bit of a gamble. If it fails, then he’s really S.O.L.

LUCY: Yeah, he might scare her away for good. Better to take the gradual building of friendship into romance route.

ETHEL: I am reminded of the old adage from The Tortoise and the Hare, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

LUCY: And the bastard better remember this time that “steady” means STEADY!

ETHEL: InSTEAD of acting like a gigolo.

LUCY: Yes, he must learn to be STEADfast.

ETHEL: STEADY as she blows!

LUCY: If he behaves himself, maybe she will! (Ex-girlfriend, that is)

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Will You Take That in Pennies?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.
I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship. He isn't my boyfriend, but we have sex. Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed and that in fact I should pay him for sex. One time he made me give him $20! And I did it. How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me? I mean I think I love him.

Dear More Money than Brains:
Wow. This is a cornucopia of personal issuedom! Does you life look like a Dali painting? If you were an M&M, would you be the vomit brown one? Is your name Britney?

Your issues, from the top….

1. “I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship.” Yes. Very Good. 1 Dollar.

2. “Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed…” Then why is he still sleeping with you? There are many girls out there to scar emotionally. This is a mind-fuck to keep you subservient. -1 Dollar.

3. “…and that in fact I should pay him for sex.” If we were assholes who abuse our significant others, we would ask for way more than $20. $20 won’t even cover a movie date when he takes his real girlfriend out. He must not think very highly of himself, hence his psychological torture of you. -20 Dollars.

4. “One time he made me give him $20! And I did it.” He did not “make you” give him the money – he asked and you gave. -20 More Dollars.

5. “How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me?” The simple answer is – leave!! No booty calls, no phone calls, no calls of any kind! The complex answer is – get a therapist. We can point out the obvious, but you already know what you should do, and are unable to do it. – 1 Dollar.

6. “I mean I think I love him.” You do not understand what love is. Get a therapist. Post haste. Please!? -50 Dollars.

Unctuous Woman-Hating Bastard: 20 Dollars.
Hated Woman: -91 Dollars.
Ability to slash his tires a la “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood: Priceless*

* Really, that song is fucking awesome.

Monday, November 5, 2007

You Can't Teach an Old Bag New Tricks

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

From A single mother who has 26 year old, a 21 year old and a 17 year old girls has had sex with her 21 year old daughter ex-boyfriend who is 23 years old, now he is trying to hook up with her 26 year old, she does not want him to hook up with her daughter but does not know how to keep him away from her family. They do not know that this affair happened with the mom and the daughters ex boyfriend and he has remained a friend of the families. Should she tell her 26 year old about the affair?

Dear Mom who has Written into Public Advice Column “Anonymously”:
Hold on – I need to read all that again. Um Hmm… Skanky Mom… Skanky Dude… Daughters in desperate need of therapy. Got it! If I were on the Jerry Springer set I might throw a chair at the Mom and holler, “What about the children? Won’t someone please think of the children??!” Does that answer your question?

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Fetch Your Overlord Some Ale and Quit Yer Bitching!

Dear BHB:
Our company has a big lavish retreat every year that every employee gets to attend with activities, meetings, and lots of food and booze. We're always told that we're a big "family" and that all are equal. The company has grown and these retreats are getting very costly, so, several of the lowest members of the "team" were sort of dis-invited this year, by just sort of never being told about it. It got out (of course) and it was awkward. I am one of those lowly people.

Turns out, that the executives get to bring spouses and children - over 20 kids all-together and 8 spouses (7 times the number of actual employees not going at all). Now, I'm having a hard time swallowing the line that it's a financial reason I don't get to attend company meetings, so that the rich boss' kids can go in my place to play and be fed. Am I right to be bitter?
Love, Bitter Bullshit Smeller

Dear Bullshit Smeller:
It's really all about nomenclature. Perhaps you should re-title yourself "Brown Noser" as it has a more positive connotation. Consider volunteering to pay for your own room and board and offer to accompany the higher ups on this lavish retreat and serve as temp nanny to their many, many children!

When you return from said retreat, you may also want to think about sharing your spare time, free of charge, of course, with your feudal overlords in order that you might make their lives more comfortable by cooking and cleaning for them and wiping their dainty bottoms when necessary. Be sure to save some of their godlike poo for adorning of your nose (even though the lowly appendage on your own serf face be not worthy of such an honor).

If you work very hard and accept your station in life, someday perhaps you may even be chosen to become part of the funeral pyre when your gracious lords expire!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

I Went to Paralegal School and All I Got Was This Lousy Lover

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Too Real Women:
I work in a law office and made the mistake of sleeping with one of the junior partners. I quickly broke it off when one of the secretaries told me that I wasn’t his first office fling. Problem is one of the female junior partners is telling everyone that I slept with this guy and is giving the impression that we are still together. What should I do, I am only a paralegal, which kinda makes her my boss? Do I wait for it to blow over or do I confront her?

Dear I Lost My Legal Briefs:
They make it look so easy on Boston Legal, don’t they? Those people bed hop like horny toads and no one seems to care.

Tongues will wag I’m afraid. If it wasn’t this junior partner it would be that one and there’s little to be done to stop it. Confront her? Why? It’s out now. Hold your head high, ignore it and do not get in a row about it. Just blame the Mad Cow like Denny Crane does.

Our question to you is… did you really break it off because you weren’t his first office romance? I have a news flash for you… *whispers* once you hit a certain age, almost everyone will have slept with someone else before you. Now, if he screws every paralegal in the tri-city area, then he’s not a keeper. But reconsider dropping anyone based on office hearsay. That’s a fancy name for gossip by the way – the same thing you don’t want others hearing about you.

If you’re really bitchy, start a rumor about the chick who’s talking about you. Something involving goats, beer helmets, and karaoke. Yeah. Karaoke!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

It's Enough to Drive You Crazy if You Let it

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Cubicle Coach:
My boss CrackBerrys me at 1 a.m. I feel like a loser if I respond, a slacker if I don't. What's appropriate?

Dear You Spend Your Life Putting Money In His Pocket:
*Sigh* the days of 9 to 5 are long gone, as men and women who make 5 times more than you think you should be available 24 hours a day to serve them, during vacations, sick days, and God forbid you have to run to the bathroom and pee when his phone needs answering!!

What is appropriate, in our not-so-humble opinions, is work time and personal time being delineated and separate. Now and again, yes, you should stay late to get what needs doing done, but every person needs down time and home time which will not be interrupted by a grown adult not being able to dial their own damn phone. You are not a slacker! No one but third shift should be working at 1am!

What is common nowadays, is a backwards look in time to the days of Victorian servants and masters, with the electronic so-called CrackBerry allowing the masters to harangue their servants 24/7. It is wrong. See “Prada, the Devil Wears” for a fun and stylish morality play about such bosses and the hapless but attractive assistants who attempt to please them. [Spoiler! It doesn't go well.]

Perhaps your boss is e-mailing at 1am because he hates his family and would rather work than deal with them. Perhaps she is an insomniac. What you need to find out is if there is an expectation from this person that you respond at that time. If not, great. If so, find a new job.

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony~I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke . . .

Dear BHB,
I fell in love with a coke addict. As in cocaine, not cola. He was self-assured, ambitious, and really amazing in bed. Now that he has been arrested several times and has been through rehab and is now "clean" he is such a different person--mamby-pampy and a bad kisser. Not at all the same man that I originally loved. What to do? I care about him, but he's really not the same man anymore. I don't love him like I loved the altered him who I thought he really was. Does that make any sense?
Sincerely, Needing a Fix

Dear Fixer Upper,
Whoa. We are glad we are not you. Of course you can't encourage him to embrace his old illegal ways; but whoa, this really sucks for you. Hmmph. How about you do your best to be there for him as a friend, and then go find yourself a hot young Latin lover? Try to find one that's definitely not into substance abuse from the get-go, so you know who and what you are loving from the start.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Unsolicited Advice: Don’t Dress Little Caitlin like a Whore for Halloween

Dear Parents:
Many young women have a choice go-to for Halloween costumes which require little in the way of imagination – choose a thing and make it “sexy”, i.e. Sexy Nurse, Sexy Waitress, Sexy Cat, Sexy Ghost. It’s popular, it’s obvious, it’s… well… Sexy. [Tangent - We here at BHBs personally prefer choosing a thing and making it Dead/ Bloody i.e. Drowned Titanic Victim (complete with wet, sea-weedy hair), Dead Juliet, Lady in White (of ghost story lore.)] However, we have noted a disturbing trend of parents allowing their daughters to dress in this same, slutty way – and we say if your child is not too old to Trick or Treat, then they are too young to dress like a whore for Halloween.

Young women have many, many years of being hyper-sexualized to look forward to. They will be harassed, degraded, demeaned and don’t-worry-your-pretty-little-headed until they are ready to vomit, scream or sue – not necessarily in that order.

Maybe little 9 year old Palmer wants to be a Bratz for Halloween. Little Palmer also probably wants to drive a car and say “Shit Fuck Damn!” whenever she feels like it, too, but you are not letting her do those things. Just because it’s every Pedophile’s favorite holiday doesn’t mean she ought to wear the mini, thigh-highs, hip boots and halter top she has all picked out. [Ahem, yes, we have actually seen a small child in public – with parents – in that outfit.]

Do you want your child to end up like Paris? This is the slippery slope friends! Sure, it’s hip boots now – a little later it’ll be the bed of a pick-up and, “No, baby, not a condom – it feels better without!” A little dignity when they are young goes a long way.

Young Tallulah can be Hermione Granger – she’s a child who is smart and fights for justice in her spare time. Or Princess Leia (ditto what we said about Hermione). Or *sigh* a Disney Princess. Yes, they are uber marketing crap but at least they wear clothes.

Would you dress your little boy as a leather-harnessed gigolo? Uh-huh. Give the same consideration to your daughter.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Don't Worry - We're Haters, Too

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I am sick of people. People who swear. People who like dogs. People who are rude. People who like cats. People who wear perfume. People who run me off the road. People who hate aardvarks. People who write letters to the editor. People who watch football. People who don't take a bath. People who hum when they work. People who are slobs. People who like Nascar. People who wear dirty tennis shoes. In short ... all kinds of people. I'm thinking that I should just move into a cave and stay away from the human race as much as possible. Is there something wrong with me?

Dear Intelligent Person:
There is nothing wrong with you. We are snarky women who hate many, many things. We had a discussion about all the stupid people which went something like this:

Lucy: Take a look at this question!

Ethel: I’m sick of people, too.

Lucy: I know – she thinks there’s something wrong with her, but I think it’s very sensible to want to live in a cave due to the schlubs who abound in modern society. Just not very practical.

Ethel: I hate people who order hard things at McDonald's and hold up the drive through. Just order a fucking Big Mac already.

Lucy: I hate the parents who drive their kids to school near where I live – they all dodge traffic and run their kids across the street instead of using the cross walk 50 feet away. Nice – teach your kid to run into traffic.

Ethel: I hate people who put ketchup on everything.

Lucy: I hate people who say “At the end of the day.”

Ethel: I hate people who tell me it’s wrong to ride horses.

Lucy: I hate that my hubby hates Halloween.

Ethel: That totally blows.

Lucy: I know! I love Halloween!

Ethel: I hate people who like housework.

Lucy: And then they tell you all about it like they are a saint or something. Yeah, fuck them!

Ethel: I hate people who tell me I don’t have to drink to have a good time. Sometimes, I want to drink! Don’t give me your uninvited commentary.

Lucy: I hate people who say really smugly that they never watch TV. As if it’s a badge of honor. I had a lady do that, and then the next time I saw her she asked if I ever watch such and such TV show because she loves it.

Ethel: Did you hit her?

Lucy: No, I wanted to though.

Ethel: I hate it that you can’t just hit stupid people.

Lucy: Agreed. Some people need a good slap.

Ethel: I hate people who give you uninvited hugs. They are never people whom you would choose to hug.

Lucy: I hate men who leer at me in front of their wives and children.

Ethel: Yes!!! Whew! That felt good.

Lucy: It probably didn’t help our friend though. She can either go live in said cave, learn to deal, or buy a gun and have a few brief moments of bloody satisfaction before they cart her off to the pokie.

Ethel: She’d be around a lot of people in jail. Most of them annoying, I’m sure.

Lucy: Hmmm.

Ethel: If she started a fight in jail then she’d get solitary!

Lucy: Yeah! But then of course there’s all the people she gunned down….

Ethel: Probably not the best solution.

Lucy: No.

Ethel: Then she needs to deal – I find that giving myself a little present after a particularly trying day is nice.

Lucy: Like that Big Mac, or a coffee.

Ethel: Or a ring from the 99 cents store.

Lucy: Or a new lipstick!

Ethel: She should take a deep breath, be glad she’s not a stupid as all the people she hates, and move on. Life is too short.

Lucy: And just fantasize about slapping them all, but not actually doing it.

Ethel: Uh, oh - we swore at the lady who hates people who swear.

Lucy: Good thing we told her not to gun down people who annoy her.

Ethel: I hate people who like Nascar, too.

Lucy: Who doesn’t?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Be A Cave Woman

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks. I think I really like him and I’d like to see him more often. I called him last night and asked if he’d like to come over. He said, “but I just saw you yesterday.” I don’t want to be clingy, but why can’t we see each other 2 days in row?! I don’t want to play any games, but I don’t want to push him away either. Help!

Dear Static Cling,
Why did YOU call HIM? Blah blah we are modern women blah blah independent and entitled blah blah. Maybe he's Cro-Magnon and proud of it. If you want this man, then let him come to you. His response to your invite is well, less than encouraging. Let him be. Have enough confidence in yourself that you don't need to spend every waking moment begging him to be with you. Desperation is unattractive. Games are fun. Maybe he wants to play. Maybe old fashioned courting is just the thing for you two. Be a cave woman. Let him drag you by the hair back to his rocky crevice for a little pinochle.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

By Hook or by Crook

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.


I'm a 30 year old stripper and people think I'm too old. I'm also a hooker!! should i stay with my well-moneyed job or find a new one. I'm RICH okay so you know if i quit my job then i might not be able to pay my bills. -Help-

Dear Richer Than Us (Damn Why Didn’t We Become Strippers?!):

Our questions for you are these: Do you think you are too old to strip and hook? (Is “hook” the verb for “hooker”?) Do you enjoy making your money this way? It sounds like you enjoy the hookery as you used two exclamation points. And it makes you RICH. RICH is awesome.

If you don’t like it/ think you’re too old, than transition into a new career level. Perhaps Madam? The money might be better! We are sure it’s rather hard to just go to accountant school after making mad money hooking and stripping, but if you like math, then maybe a new job is in order. If you are thinking it might be time to not be a slut for a living, then maybe try to meet a rich man whilst stripping and trick him into marrying you. Then your nouveau riche lifestyle can wash away the hollow sadness from the past.

…And who are these people from whom you seek career advice? Johns? Other hookers and strippers? Screw them. (Get it? Johns – screw them! HA!) Let the market decide when you quit. If you still enjoy what you do (and please, think about that), then do it! When you can’t pay your rent in one dollar bills anymore, then it’s time to stop.

P.S. We sort-of think that this isn’t a real question. But maybe it is. We BHBs strongly encourage all hookers and strippers to write in, as it’s totally fun to think of all the fun ways to use derivatives of “hook” in a sentence.

P.P.S. We are against hooking as a profession in general, as it would be nice if all women could be employed in a dignified fashion. Many women (and children, good Lord) are forced against their will or out of desperation into this life, and it saddens us.

Help I Might Have a Nice Date! The Horror!

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
My boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago. It was a hard time and I am doing better. However, a guy recently asked me out and I don’t know if I’m ready to date again yet. Still, he seems cool and I don’t want to miss what could be a great opportunity. Would it be strange to ask him to wait a few weeks? It doesn’t seem good form to mention the Ex. Maybe I should just say “no thanks.” Help!

Dear Once Bitten:
Wethinks you may be over-thinking this. Which women do. A lot. Channel a man... think like him... there... your head is nice and blank... a few thoughts of video games... maybe a universal remote control... a bit of porn.

There’s no need to go into big explanations to anyone about your feelings, especially to a brand new shiny man full of promise. Don’t mention your ex, your gun-shy issues, or anything like that. If you want a few weeks to chill, just make up a big project at work or a vacation coming up or whatever and put him off for a bit, all the while encouraging him subtly from afar.

Or, just go out with him already. He’s asked you for a date - not to set the wedding date! Geesh! Have some coffee! Chat amongst yourselves! See if he’s even worth all this deliberation. Even if he’s only Mr. Right Now… well… right now boys can be very therapeutic (she said with a wink!)

Monday, October 15, 2007

...and Say 10 Hail Marys

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear E. Jean:
I’m only 25, but I’ve been with a lot of men in my young life. I always had trouble committing to one man; however, three years ago, I fell in love and have been faithful to the same guy. We’ve had “girlfriends” (threesomes), but lately we’ve had heated discussions about my “lack of adventure.” He still wants the “girlfriends,” but now he wants me with a “boyfriend.” He won’t sleep with me until I agree to it. Now that I finally want to keep my legs crossed, he doesn’t want me to! Is he actually turned on by the thought of me shagging another guy?—The Nun of Monza

Dear None-too-Good Nun:
The first thing we thought when we read your sad but cheap tale is that your faithful relationship ended the day he brought the first ho home. I don’t know what turns him on, but the sad truth is it isn’t you by yourself. Men, women, whatever – he’s not really changing the rules you both have established and to which you have agreed in the past. However, you have said no this time, and he is not respecting it.

So, in your “committed” relationship you have both cheated on each other (numerous times), he doesn’t respect you, and he gives you ultimatums. He sounds awesome. Just like someone you should fight to keep. (That last was sarcasm, since you seem to lack common sense.) Why do you love such a man? Do you even love him truly, since you screw other women on the side? If you think that giving into his bedroom demands makes him love you, then you are sadly mistaken. He doesn’t respect you – leave him. And next time, respect yourself and command respect from your partner by really committing (i.e. don’t screw around and act like a tawdry slut.)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

But What About Me, Me, Me?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Too Real Women:
I met a great lady through an online dating service. We have been emailing back and forth for a while now and I think that it is time that we met in person, she seems reluctant. How can I get her to agree to a meeting?
Raring To Meet

Dear Eager for Beaver:
First of all, we don’t like the way you want to “get her” to do anything. You can ask her, you can persuade her, but as a free woman she cannot me made to do anything. Maybe she’s getting a creep vibe from you, as we are.

You have to understand, Raring, that most women have dealt with their share of freaks, lowlifes, dumbasses, numbnuts, douchbags and frankly frightening men. She is taking the time to try to figure out if you are one of the above. Give her this time. Men think that life and dating for women is the same as it is for them. It isn’t. Most serial killers? Men. Most rapists? Uh-huh – men. So you must wrap your head around the reasons why a woman is not likely to jump up and meet every Tom, Dick and Scary who wants to meet her. A nice guy will give her the time, if he thinks she’s worth it. Do you?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Mission Statement: No More Missionary Position

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I just turned 21 and I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for a year. I really love him, but we’re having a little trouble in the bedroom. He always wants to be on top. I wouldn’t mind it some of the time or even most of the time, but I’d like to try a different position we’re so young and I’m already getting bored with our sex life. How do I talk to him about this without hurting his feelings?

Dear the Young and the Restless,
Introduce him to an attractive older and sexually experienced woman (a la “Mrs. Robinson”) and let her sleep with him a few times to teach him the ways of pleasure, and then take him back and reap the rewards of her labor. OR, just have a heart to heart with him before your next pee-pee to pee-pee. Bear in mind that you must be tactful in the presentation of your desires. Men, surprisingly enough, have feelings; and you certainly are more apt to get what you want if you don’t hurt his. Likely, he’s just having such a good time being a missionary that he assumes you’re having a good time too. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? Try making a fun suggestion (but time it right, don’t bring it up during or immediately after sex or he’ll likely feel emasculated) that you alternate who gets to choose the position. Plop an illustrated Kama Sutra on the middle of the bed and do some light reading together. We also highly recommend the Clan of the Cave Bear series by Jean M. Auel. Those cave people really knew how to swing.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Do They Even Have Creeks in New York City?

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
I'm single, good-looking and smart, but I can't seem to get a date for the life of me. I have younger, married men slobbering all over me, but finding an eligible guy has been next to impossible. Are there no single attractive men over the age of puberty in the City of New York?? I tried online dating services, but ended up going out with losers, like the idiot who announced he was hung-over on our date after showing up 45 minutes late or the guy with the picture that was at least 15 years and 25 pounds out of date. I just have trouble meeting smart, funny and, most important, available men. I have to be doing something wrong. Help!! – Up the Creek

Dear Up the Creek,
We two BHBs had to specifically consult regarding your question, as it’s a good one. Our conversation went something like this…

Lucy: Did you see that question from Up the Creek?

Ethel: Yeah – that’s a toughie!

Lucy: I know – we’re old married ladies.

Ethel: Well, not old.

Lucy: We’re hot young married ladies.

Ethel: We met our husbands on the job, what do we know?

Lucy: Maybe that’s not an option for her. She’s in New York, maybe she’s an actress and all the guys she meets at work are gay.

Ethel: Or corporate douchebags.

Lucy: Indeed.

Ethel: She needs a change of pace – a new place to meet men.

Lucy: She needs a new creek! Ha hahaa! Get it? She’s Up the Creek??

Ethel: Wow, that’s a bad joke. Don’t use that in the blog.

Lucy: OK.

Ethel: She needs to join a church! Lots of nice men at a church!

Lucy: Church is a great place to meet nice men – but maybe she’s not the churchey type.

Ethel: Hmmm.

Lucy: Hmmm. Hey! Maybe a class! Art or cooking or something like that!

Ethel: Ooh ooh – I like it. Maybe an improv class in New York! Lots of funny guys in improv class in my experience. Straight, too.

Lucy: Yes! She needs to identify the type of man she wants, and seek a new locale where they are likely to congregate in the wild.

Ethel: Or maybe these married guys can recommend friends of theirs for her to date.

Lucy: I don’t know – it could end up like that “Sex and the City” episode where Charlotte did that and it turned out the married guy was a creep and hit on her. Remember that one?

Ethel: No.

Lucy: Well. That’s what happened. And she already has married creeps hitting on her. Maybe that’s not such a good idea.

Ethel: I don’t remember that episode at all.

Lucy: They re-run it all the time.

Ethel: OK.

Lucy: What else for Miss Creek?

Ethel: Well, there’s that site – – where they have online groups for all kinds of activities. Maybe she could join a jogging or investing club or something and meet men that way. Gear the club towards the type of man she wants.

Lucy: Maybe! But it might sound like we’re shilling for meetup.

Ethel: I wish we were.

Lucy: Me too!

Ethel: Then we’d get paid.

Lucy: Mmmmmm… Paid.

Ethel: It that all we have?

Lucy: Yup, I think so.

The Daily Grind Can Lead to Other Grinding

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I have a crush on a guy a work. We work in different departments, but see each other everyday. He stops by my office a few times a day. I think we’re both worried about dating someone from work. What should I do?

Dear Daily Grind Would-Be Dater,
Go with your gut. Many matches are begun in a working environment. We Babes met our men while on the job. Kudos to this dude because he works in a different department from you, so you two won't be easily distracting one another or getting in trouble, (or embarrassing your co-workers). If he works up the nerve to ask you on a date FOR GOODNESS SAKE DON'T YOU GO ASKING HIM OUT FIRST, THAT IS A NO-NO! then by all means have a go. If he just keeps stopping by to visit, flirt. Flirt until he does ask you out. If you hit it off, then both of you make a concerted effort to conduct yourselves professionally while in the working environment, and keep the romance for after hours.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Black and White and Grey All Over

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
Last night I was at a friend’s birthday party and a guy asked me out. He seems nice and is quite handsome. I hate to admit this, but I’m not sure if I can go on a date with him. I’m white and he’s black. I know it’s 2007, but I’ve never dated a non-white man and I know my parents would have a hard time with it. Should I go out with him?

Dear Ms. Grey,
You are a grown up. Of course you want to respect your parents, but they must also respect your rights and wishes. (Please tell us you do not still live with them!) Simply put, if you find yourself attracted to this man, go out on a date. If you are not attracted to him, don't guilt yourself into a date with him because you're afraid you'll look like a racist if you don't go. Easy peasy. He is a man and you are a woman. If you like him and he likes you and over time you develop a real relationship, THEN introduce him to Ma and Pa.

The Demi/Ashton Dilemma

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I’m almost 40 and recently met a man who is 29. We really connect, but he’s is 11 years younger than I am. I know a lot of older men date younger women, but I’m not sure about getting into a relationship with someone who will be 50 when I’m 60!

Dear No Spring Chicken with Young Cock,
If you want the guy, have him. See where it goes. You cannot know how you will feel about one another 10 years from now, so we say relish the moment in which you live. Yes, a lot of men date younger women~much younger women (look at Playboy Hugh); and a lot of women date younger men and it can work. Why ever not? Every relationship has good parts and not so good. We think the younger man's parts will prove to be part of the good! Hey, to hell with Viagra.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

The Babes and "The Rules"

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I’m tired of waiting for men to ask me out. I’ve read The Rules, but I’m ready to break them. Would it totally turn a man off if I asked him out?

Dear Would-Be Rule Breaker:
We two BHB have discussed this very matter at length. We have very specific ideas on the subject. One of us bought “The Rules” for the other; the other followed it, and had to beat the men off with a stick. Many empowered women will tell you to ask a man out if you want to. We empowered women say do not ask a man out. Ever. We repeat: do not ask a man out. Men like to chase. That bears repeating as well: men like to chase! They cannot chase what chases them.

That being said, there are ways to achieve what you want. Being alluring yet slightly unattainable will make him work for you, which he will enjoy. You can in turns flirt then ignore (this worked for one BHB to catch her now husband), be sexy around him (sexy, not slutty), find out if you share any interests, etc. Put the idea into his head that you are made for each other, without ever coming out and saying it. Let him think it was his idea. Some might say this is game playing. It is! A Lady is entitled. She can be every feminine thing without being lesser than a man.

If these things do not elicit a date query, then perhaps it’s just not meant to be. Use your wiles on a more deserving specimen.

PS - Thank you for being our very first questioner! *Squee!*

Dear Someone Else: You don't like me! You Really, Really Don't Like Me!

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Cubicle Coach (Marie Claire):
I have a colleague who clearly doesn't like me. She makes lunch dates and small talk with pretty much everyone on the floor except for me. I don't know what I ever did. Would confronting her about it be mature and honest or drama-inducing?

Dear Ms. Needy:
Here’s a good life lesson that your Mother probably should have taught you: not everyone is going to like you. Here’s another: no one at work is obligated to like you, hang out with you, chat with you, lunch with you, or do anything other than work with you! Confronting her would be drama-inducing, yes, and also needy and awkward for everyone. You are sure to become an office joke should you proceed with this plan, so please don’t do it!

If you want to be friends with her, because you genuinely like her and not just because you feel left out, make more of an effort to get to know her. Ask her about her life & family. In other words, be friendly. You say she makes small talk with others… have you ever made small talk with her? Unless you’re just an ass and don’t know it, or have an unpleasant Patchouli smell or something, you’ll probably become her friend the natural way, not the crazy, demanding, gossip-inducing way you have suggested.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Dear Someone Else: Just a Little Harmless Ass Grabbing!

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Cubicle Coach (Marie Claire):
I work in a male-heavy office where banter often leads to sexual jokes about the female receptionist. I don't want to make a big deal of it, but I do think their talk is offensive. Should I just laugh along like one of the guys?

Dear Beatrice Arnold,
We here are BHB love the new show on AMC called “Mad Men”. It’s set in the early 1960s and is chock full of the sexual harassment women have been fighting to end for 40 years now. Well, all women but you. Bet your sweet-ass-in-that-tight-little-dress those same men are laughing along about you when you’re not around. I’m not sure how you missed this memo, but Sexual Harassment is against the law now! We don’t have to put up with that bullshit anymore. Google Anita Hill, grow some balls, and make a stand about it. How can you look the receptionist in the eye if you don’t? We suggest a tape recorder, to make the reporting easier. Document everything. For your receptionist’s sake, good luck.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dear Someone Else: Eat a Freakin' Big Mac Already

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Q: Is there such a thing as too thin?
Original A: Magazine "Teen Vogue" Rachel S., 17 (this answer is from a 17-year-old) Theoretically, yes, but I think all the starlets that magazines say are too skinny are really attractive. When Jessica Simpson was superslim, you could count her ribs, I thought she was pretty. It's sexy to see bones.

The Correct A: Dear Puking Up One Lettuce Leaf At A Time:
Yes. There is such a thing as too skinny. We are so saddened that young women nowadays have no idea what a normal female body should look like. Women are curvy. We are supposed to be. Men actually like that. We are soft and rounded and sexy and fertile. A woman who is nothing but bones and skin and implants is a freak. Reclaim your feminine features, chicas! Don't be extreme and pig out and become fatty blimps, just eat a normal balanced diet including protein, carbs, fruits and veggies, and yes now and then junk food, and do some moderate exercise and BE BEAUTIFUL. BE A WOMAN. We find it utterly amazing how our society (don't misread us here, we love America) creates problems for itself. I don't think annorexia or bulemia are really a problem in Ethiopa. There IS such a thing as too skinny. BE HEALTHY AND LOVE YOURSELF FOR IT!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Dear Someone Else: I think I'll Have Her A-La-Mode!

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

From I love my boyfriend of 7 months very much, but how do I continue to put up with his online chatting with other women? He claims that he loves me and wants to marry me, but it is defect in him that he cannot seem to control. He treats me wonderfully otherwise and is everything that I have been looking for. How can we cure him of this?

Dear Cake,
A is always A. Your boyfriend says he loves you and wants to marry you. Your boyfriend chats online with other women (presumably romantically, or else what is the fuss about.) One of these is true. The other is not. If he has romantic chats with other women, on a regular basis, then he does not love you. You think love is an exclusive state. So do we. Yes, married people are not dead – they look sometimes. But chatting/ speaking/ acting on it is a different story. Find a new boyfriend. One who wants only you. You deserve that. Right now you’re the cake he has and he’s out looking for the Marie Callender’s.

Dear Someone Else: Dirty Double Standard

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

(from I have been married for 5 years. I cheated on my wife twice. Last year she cheated on me for revenge. When she cheated it was with a man and a woman at the same time. A threesome. She was intimate with the woman as well. I am shocked that she was able to have sex with another woman. I feel like it makes her someone that I wouldn't pick for a wife. I'm no angel either, but I've never had sex with a man. I would have sex with 2 women at the same time but I wouldn't think that either woman was wife material. Can anyone tell me what to do?

Dear Dirty Double Standard,
We'll tell you what to do. Get a divorce. Sounds like neither you nor your wife have what it takes to be married. Being married is a big deal. You made a vow to be faithful to one another. If you and she want to sleep around with whomever or whatever whenever, then get a fucking divorce and then you can fuck all you want.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Dear Someone Else: Once I Go Black, Can I Go Back?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Too Real Women:
I am a widow who lives in a very white, middle class neighborhood. I have met a man who is a different race and faith. I do want to date him but I am worried about what my neighbors will think. Should I just tell him that it is not a good idea?
Dilemma in the suburbs

Dear Suburban Dilemma,
It’s a terrible idea to date outside your race, and probably faith, too. You don’t really need a man. You can be comforted by your neighbors who are fun to cuddle with on rainy nights, you can share your deepest heart of hearts with, and who laugh at all your stupid WASPy jokes. Wait, they don’t? They are horrid, judgey assholes? Then what will become of you if you don’t indulge in your hot and steamy Jungle fever? Vibrators are no fun to spoon. Are you really going to choose your neighbors over a lovely, interested real live man? If they object because he’s a darker shade then they, then their opinions 100% do not matter. We think you should date your exciting new man, and that you should seriously ask yourself why on Earth you even considered someone else’s opinion over your own.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Dear Someone Else: I LIKE BOOBS!

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

DEAR E. JEAN (Elle): Excuse my frankness, but I want boobs. I’m 24 and still stuff my bra. My mom constantly tells me how dangerous implants are, and my friends tell me my body is fine; I’ve never heard a complaint from any man I’ve dated, so getting them done would be for me only. However, I’m obsessed. I think of them all the time. What do you think? Should I do it? —Enhancing What I Don’t Have

Dear Enhancing What I Don’t Have:
If you are truly obsessed with boobs, perhaps you are subduing latent lesbian tendencies? Get the implants, get a girlfriend, and the both of you do jumping jacks naked while listening to the “Otto Titsling” song on the Beaches soundtrack.

Dear Someone Else: Blue Suede Blues

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

The I-Want-to-Recycle-My-Cheapskate-Friend Problem
DEAR E. JEAN (Elle): For my best friend’s birthday, I gave her a gorgeous dress. Two days later, for my birthday, she presented me with the ugliest light-blue suede handbag imaginable. It looks like something she got for Christmas last year and then let sit around for 10 months, gathering dust and stains—it’s filthy. She’s supposed to be my closest friend! Do I buy suede cleaner and keep quiet? Or do I call her out on this?—Hurting in Hollywood

Dear Hurting in Hollywood:
Buy yourself some blue suede shoes with dust and stains on them to go with the friggin’ bag and keep your mouth shut. You’ll look hip and “vintage.” Besides, maybe your friend is poor right now and the yucky purse was the best she could do. Or, maybe she thought the “gorgeous” dress you gave her was truly hideous and she thought to repay you in kind. Taste is subjective. Next holiday arrange to buy each other gift cards of the same value to the same store. Boring, but fair.

Dear Someone Else: Riding My High Horse

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

DEAR E. JEAN (Elle): I earned a degree in political science, and it was the most poisonous department—full of small-minded, pessimistic people. After graduating, it quickly became obvious that my expensive degree would not get me a job. So now I’m attending graduate school, studying finance. I don’t like it and I’m not good at it, but at least it will guarantee me a career.

But should I even try to be rich? I won’t be happy unless I make the planet a better place. But how do I support myself and save the world, E. Jean? So many liars, bigots, and know-it-alls are screwing it up!—Running from the Rats

Dear Running from the Rats While Riding My High Horse:
You are obviously a wonderful, self-sacrificing, and truly amazing person~clearly much better than the rest of us schleps. We suggest you start your own religion. Yes, yes, we think being the self-appointed leader of a religious cult is just the career for you! Think of the potential you will have for earning some tax exempt dough via the offering plate, and also becoming savior of the world, AND condemning all the “liars, bigots, and know-it-alls” to eternal damnation! Oh, one thing more~Kool Aid got such a bad rap. Why not have your followers try Gatorade, or maybe Crystal Light instead.