Sunday, November 23, 2008

POOP not GOOP: Gobble Gobble Edition

This week Gwyneth’s GOOP e-mail elaborated upon her... um... Martha Stewart’s favorite turkey recipe. Says Gwynnie:

This recipe is a smaller scale version
of Martha Stewart’s accurately named
Perfect Roast Turkey.

It’s not afraid of butter.

We’re pretty glad she’s promoting Martha’s turkey recipe, as we cannot imagine Gwyneth’s would taste very good. Gwyneth probably is afraid of butter. Of course, we cannot know this for sure, but our guess is that a horrible butter stick monster once made her gain a pound during puberty, and since then she breaks out in a cold sweat when confronted with any sort of fattening dairy.

We here at POOP have an even better turkey recipe than Martha Stewart. And, for the first time, we, Ethel and Lucy, will share it with you. Many people are scared of Thanksgiving dinner. Perhaps you don’t like cooking. Or perhaps you and the relatives you have coming over voted for different folks in the November 4 election and there’s some bad blood. Our turkey recipe will make Thanksgiving enjoyable for all – guaranteed.

Are you ready?


Serves: Its purpose

Prep Time: Somewhere between 30 mins and 6 hours

Get up.

Take one Vicodin.

Get coffee.

Watch beginning of Macy's parade.

Wow, the parade is so neat! Don't you love Snoopy? I do. I could’ve been a Rockette if only I were 9 inches taller.

Wander into kitchen.

Take big bird thingie out of giant cold box and do... something.

Turn on oven.

Open bottle of wine.

Sing a Lionel Ritchie song to the potatoes. Repeat.

Open bottle of Vicodin and smashie smashie several pills. Doesn’t matter how many.

Dump oil over birdie and sprinkle pills on top.

Drink glass of wine. Repeat.

At this point, you may forget why you’re in the kitchen. The green beans will tell you everything you need to know.

Boil potatoes. In water.

Ask mother-in-law for help.

Leave kitchen because mother-in-law tells you to.

Giggle at Uncle Chester’s impression of Aunt Farty.

Watch Ben Hur. Take drink of egg nog (alcoholic kind) every time Charlton Heston over-emotes.

Wait for dinner. Avoid glares from mother-in-law.

Eat turkey.

Feel even better.

Entire family happy.

Remember to turn off oven so house does not burn down.

Stay safe kids! And have a very, very Happy Thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

POOP not GOOP: We're So Amazing We POOP Art!

This week Gwyneth’s GOOP newsletter was very illuminating. She told us about something we had never heard of before – Art.

You see, apparently, “Art” is pretty pictures or nice paperweights that people assemble into one place, called a “Museum”. The many beautiful pictures she sent us were neato.

If you live in New York, London, Madrid, Los Angeles, Chicago or New Orleans, you can see some of this “Art” in the real lifes! If you don’t, well then screw you. You others can go visit the Crate & Barrel second tier shop for poors that she links to to see some water glasses.

Obviously, since we are hacks who write on the “internet”, we know nothing about this elitist, museumey “Art”. But we think Art should be for all the peoples, even those who live in Des Moines or Orlando, or some other horrible backwater. In this spirit, we introduce POOP ART, made by us, and accessible to all!

For POOP ART we thought… what inspires us? Ethel and I agree on this point. Hot men inspire us. Cute fuzzy animals inspire us. So, without further ado, we present.

POOP #1: Matthew McConaughey, With Lemurs. Digital, 2008.

POOP #2: Giant Panda, With Small Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. Digital, 2008.

POOP #3: James McAvoy, With Kittens aka LOL JAMEZ. Digital, 2008.

and finally, the piece de resistance:

POOP #4: Daniel Craig, With Baby Elephants. Unicorns & Moonbeams, 2008.

Ethel and I hope you can enjoy the “Art” we have created to share with you. It’s not as “fancy” as that museum stuff, but it’s got a good beat you can dance to. Who knows? Maybe Gwynnie will be a fan some day!



Monday, November 3, 2008

Unsolicited Advice: Ho ho ho Go Blow

Dear Retailers,

It ain't Christmas yet. It ain't even close. We Babes are dismayed, yay, disheartened by the fact that Christmas comes earlier and earlier every damn year (not that we're more than, say, twenty-six ourselves)--at least in your stores. Ethel was in large national chain drugstore two weeks before Halloween and guess what. The groovy Halloween masks and candy and crap had to share an aisle with effing Christmas shit! Before Halloween even! As Charlie Brown would say in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, "AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!"

Ethel is worried. Ethel is afraid she is going to get arrested. Ethel is afraid she is going to snap oh say maybe tomorrow and put on a big turkey costume and grab a cricket bat and go on a rampage knocking over too early fake-O Christmas trees that are already up in stores and smashing ornaments and beating up auto-animatronic singing Santas until they quit singing "Jingle Bells" over and over and over. Halloween. Thanksgiving. THEN Christmas. And maybe some other holiday or another in there somewhere depending on your heritage. Please retailers, nobody has any money to shell out on your shiny baubles this year anyway due to the economy/schmonomy. Please, for fuck's sake, can you at least hold off on the candy canes until maybe mid-November? please? Trick-or-ho ho ho and a bottle of eggnog.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Caught Between a Rock & Republic & a Hard Place

Dear E. Jean: I’m not the richest or most glamorous girl on the block. I’m not able to buy whatever I please on a whim, such as the Jimmy Choo bag I’ve been saving for, but I dress stylishly and receive lots of compliments. My best friend, whom I adore, means well, but she can drive me insane when she thrusts in my face the latest Gucci wallet she just bought. It causes me to feel inferior and to envy what she has. Not only that, I start to feel really competitive, and this puts a strain on our friendship. What can I do to fix this without going on a shopping spree that will put me in debt?—Trying to Chill

Dear Loco for Logos:

If you define your self-worth on the Paris Hilton Scale of Logos for Logos’ Sake, then you have bigger problems than your BFF. Why would you allow yourself to feel inferior over a wallet? Have you no talents? No brains? No accomplishments with which to fill your coffers of self-worth?

Really missy – you’ve made us put on our Cranky Grandma hat up in here! A true friend does not care what logos or expensive shit you have, and a proud female person does not define herself in that way. Put your enthusiasm to better use – read a book and educate yourself, read a newspaper and learn about the world, create something, volunteer for a bigger cause than yourself, seduce a sexy man who enjoys housework*. If you feel happy about yourself no matter if you shop at Target or Prada, then your beauty will shine - a beauty that has nothing to do with your purse or wallet.

* If you find this man, please reply back to us with his phone number.