Thursday, October 30, 2008

POOP not GOOP: Masturbate Your Way to Health!

Lucy: My new best friend Gwyneth Paltrow e-mailed me today.

Ethel: She’s suing us for making fun of her? Bitch!

Lucy: No, no – she’s giving us more GOOPy goodness.

Ethel: Yay! Time for us to be full of shit then! Or POOP to be more precise.

Lucy: The Subject of the e-mail was “It’s Goop – DO”. It’s like she’s asking us to mock her. Do is one half of do-do which means POOP!

Ethel: Hahaha!

Lucy: She gives us advice from all three of her doctors: her New York doctor, her London doctor and her Los Angeles doctor.

Ethel: She needs three doctors? What the hell is wrong with her? Why are we taking advice from a dying woman?

Lucy: We’re not actually.

Ethel: Oh, Okay then.

Lucy: I only have one doctor – and she’s just the cooch doctor.

Ethel: Three doctors in three cities. Stars – they’re just like us!

Lucy: Okay – GOOP doctor number 3534321 says to sleep and exercise regularly. Well I learn that every month from lady magazines.

Ethel: Plus Vogue tell us about all the clothes we can’t afford.

Lucy: Yes! Fail, GOOP. Fail. POOP says sex is way more important than sleep, and that it also qualifies as exercise!

Ethel: POOP is pro-sex!

Lucy: Next, Doctor 234.5 says that everything everywhere will kill us because it’s toxic, so to not eat for twelve hours after dinner to detoxify.

Ethel: “Detoxify” to me means “Drink More Liquor”.

Lucy: Well liquor is cleansing.

Ethel: POOP says drink for twelve hours and then you’ll really clean yourself out! Plus, you need to drink to forget that everything everywhere is killing you.

Lucy: Win! We’re also not supposed to eat anything in a package.

Ethel: But Jeno’s Pizza Rolls come in a package, and I’m pretty sure those are the best food ever.

Lucy: Indeed. There seems to be a flaw in her reasoning.

Ethel: Gwyneth would not approve of the stew I am making. The meat is not organic. The mushrooms are from the bottom of my fridge and they were probably sorta bad as of yesterday. And the potatoes are white! And white foods are of the devil!

Lucy: Nay, I say! NAY! Potatoes give us chips, and potato skins with cheese, and BAKED potatoes! GOOP hates whitey, but POOP says all the food colors are beautiful, especially covered in cheese!

Ethel: I have my own method of detoxifying.

Lucy: Do tell!

Ethel: Have some tea, do a yoga pose or two maybe, and then go masturbate. You’ll feel better in no time!

Lucy: GOOP says follow a complicated menu; POOP says masturbate!

Ethel: I think our methodology is much more fun.

Lucy: Plus, POOP is fun to say. Hey – maybe she named this stupid website GOOP because it describes all the nasty shit that comes out of you when you follow her directions?

Ethel: But where does it come out?

Lucy: I don’t want to know. Let’s go drink wine.

Ethel: Poop yeah!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

POOP: Oh, Sweet Mystery of Life At Last I've Found You!

Friends, when you find yourself in times of trouble, do you ever wish you could consult with one of the great minds in the universe and ask them advice? We do. Maybe Mother Theresa? The Dalai Lama? The crazy guy on your corner with “End of the World” signs and a tinfoil hat?

Even the Brutally Honest Babes sometimes need life advice so that we may, in turn, pass wisdom on to you, our five readers. One can feel so very alone on the great Internets, so thank the good Jebus that someone, FINALLY, is here to help us all. Gwyneth Paltrow.

Gwynnie has a new site called “GOOP” ( There’s not too much content yet, but what is there has inspired us to be like her. No, we can’t magically grow 10 inches, suddenly gain millions of dollars from our beautiful, Hollywood parents, or spontaneously pop out a fruit baby, but we can emulate her ability to give super neato advice.

So, in the spirit of GOOP – we give you POOP.

GOOP tells you to ‘Nourish the inner aspect.’

POOP tells you to ‘Get through the fucking day.’

GOOP says ‘I love being in spaces that are clean and feel nice.’

POOP says ‘I love being in spaces I don’t have to clean. That’s nice.’

GOOP advises ‘Make your life good.’

POOP responds ‘Really? Life is supposed to be GOOD? Thanks Gwynnie! We’ve been doing it all wrong!’

GOOP says ‘Invest in what’s real.’

POOP says ‘Thank goodness we’re too poor to invest in anything, or else we’d be living in a cardboard box now!’

GOOP tells you to ‘Read something beautiful.’

POOP tells you to ‘Read us instead!’

GOOP says ‘Whether you want… some thoughts from one of my sages….’

POOP says ‘If we want advice from an herb, it won’t be sage. Wink wink.’

GOOP: Over the years I have tried lots of different things. I have made lots of mistakes. But I have figured out some things in the process and I would like to share them with you.

POOP: We have no idea what we’re doing. We blog for free on the Interwebs to fill an empty place in our bitter little lives. But please keep reading so that we have some small validation!

POOP – Get Through the Fucking Day ™

Its Alive! ALIVE!!!!!1!

Hark, gentle readers!

Lucy and Ethel have been pounding on their keyboards writing a fictional novel! It’s totally not a rancid diatribe as some might suggest (thanks a lot, Mom!)

We have neglected you, and we apologize.

However, a new internet phenomenon has come to our attention which we cannot help but make ruthless fun of... er... comment upon.

Stay tuned….