POOP Not GOOP: Freaky Gwynnie!

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,

We got your latest GOOP missive about how your daddy flew the two of you to Paris, that one time, for togetherness, or something. And then you told us all about how great Paris is and that we should all go and stay in your nice hotels.

The only problem is this thing. The recession. You see, the Poors are hunkering down and trying to avoid the shit being flung by monkeys on street corners, at them, the monkeys having been sent by the investment banks to destroy us all. With monkey shit. So we can’t go to Paris this week, oh noes!

But we BHBs have a jolly, super fun proposal for you! See, we think you really want to prove that you’re Just Like Us ™ (i.e. The Poors) and that you’re not a completely out-of-touch Richie from McRichieLand. So we want to have an uproarious Freaky Friday Experience with you, in which we switch lives, for a week, and we jet to Paris, to sample the snails therein, and you come to our houses and try to figure out what the hell that smell is. And pay the rent.

So, awesome, right??!!1!

Here’s how it will work.

Happy Great Freaky Friday Experience:

1. Send us your black American Express card number. We totes won’t give it out.

2. You will fly to us. Bring Formula 409 (that is a cleaning product - your maid might have some) and Hobo Beans, to eat.

3. We will do whatever it is you were going to do that week. We act, so no one will notice when we, both, take over your movie role or whatever. Or, we are also available to:
3a) Go to your movie premiere with Joaquin Phoenix. If he shaves. We don’t care if he’s batshit, we just don’t like the beard.
3b) Eat a lot for to make restaurant recommendations.
3c) Consult a Guru so we can write a GOOP about being one with an inner aspect. PS it would be great if that inner aspect were Pot.
3d) Go shopping for items so expensive they will pay our rent forever once we sell them on eBay.
3e) Be introduced to James McAvoy and Matthew McConaughey, because you know them, right?
3f) Flip our awesome blonde hair.

4. You will have a great time at our place(s). Our husbands are available for grilling but not sex, ok?
4a) Don’t worry, we have no sexual interest in your husband.


And that’s the program! Is that great or what? You nourish your inner aspect all over the fucking place and we get lots of pedicures and a break from Life.

Call us!

Black and White and Grey All Over

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
Last night I was at a friend’s birthday party and a guy asked me out. He seems nice and is quite handsome. I hate to admit this, but I’m not sure if I can go on a date with him. I’m white and he’s black. I know it’s 2007, but I’ve never dated a non-white man and I know my parents would have a hard time with it. Should I go out with him?

Dear Ms. Grey,
You are a grown up. Of course you want to respect your parents, but they must also respect your rights and wishes. (Please tell us you do not still live with them!) Simply put, if you find yourself attracted to this man, go out on a date. If you are not attracted to him, don't guilt yourself into a date with him because you're afraid you'll look like a racist if you don't go. Easy peasy. He is a man and you are a woman. If you like him and he likes you and over time you develop a real relationship, THEN introduce him to Ma and Pa.

Dear Someone Else: Once I Go Black, Can I Go Back?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Too Real Women:
I am a widow who lives in a very white, middle class neighborhood. I have met a man who is a different race and faith. I do want to date him but I am worried about what my neighbors will think. Should I just tell him that it is not a good idea?
Dilemma in the suburbs

Dear Suburban Dilemma,
It’s a terrible idea to date outside your race, and probably faith, too. You don’t really need a man. You can be comforted by your neighbors who are fun to cuddle with on rainy nights, you can share your deepest heart of hearts with, and who laugh at all your stupid WASPy jokes. Wait, they don’t? They are horrid, judgey assholes? Then what will become of you if you don’t indulge in your hot and steamy Jungle fever? Vibrators are no fun to spoon. Are you really going to choose your neighbors over a lovely, interested real live man? If they object because he’s a darker shade then they, then their opinions 100% do not matter. We think you should date your exciting new man, and that you should seriously ask yourself why on Earth you even considered someone else’s opinion over your own.

Dear Someone Else: Riding My High Horse

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

DEAR E. JEAN (Elle): I earned a degree in political science, and it was the most poisonous department—full of small-minded, pessimistic people. After graduating, it quickly became obvious that my expensive degree would not get me a job. So now I’m attending graduate school, studying finance. I don’t like it and I’m not good at it, but at least it will guarantee me a career.

But should I even try to be rich? I won’t be happy unless I make the planet a better place. But how do I support myself and save the world, E. Jean? So many liars, bigots, and know-it-alls are screwing it up!—Running from the Rats

Dear Running from the Rats While Riding My High Horse:
You are obviously a wonderful, self-sacrificing, and truly amazing person~clearly much better than the rest of us schleps. We suggest you start your own religion. Yes, yes, we think being the self-appointed leader of a religious cult is just the career for you! Think of the potential you will have for earning some tax exempt dough via the offering plate, and also becoming savior of the world, AND condemning all the “liars, bigots, and know-it-alls” to eternal damnation! Oh, one thing more~Kool Aid got such a bad rap. Why not have your followers try Gatorade, or maybe Crystal Light instead.

Dear Someone Else: I Really Need a Life

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Cubicle Coach (Marie Claire),
I feel uncomfortable peeing and primping and what have you in the ladies' room if my supervisor is in there, too. Am I overthinking this, or would you recommend holding it until she clears out?

Dear Leery Pooper,
You are not over thinking this; in fact, you should think about it more. I can’t imagine anything else more important for you to deal with and think about than crapping or applying mascara in vicinity to your boss. The smells! The wands! It’s all so stressful. Although, when I first read your horrific tale of woe, I thought that maybe just peeking into her office to make sure she’s there before you go to the loo might avoid this exasperating situation altogether. But then, what would you think about? Life? Career? Sex? Family? No. It’s good you took the time to write us [er, Marie Claire.] We’re here to help. Hold it, my friend. Hold it and do NOT apply that blush. I’m sure your boss has no idea you fix your hair or pee. Better to keep her thinking that.