Monday, March 31, 2008

This is Why People Love Tivo

Dear Abby: My husband gets aggravated with romantic commercials on television -- the ones where men do sweet things for their wives, like putting jewelry on them while they sleep, or pulling out that special gift at the dinner table. He says the commercials try to make men feel guilty because they aren't like the ones portrayed.

I have tried telling him that men are, indeed, this way, but I couldn't think of any examples other than my brother and my father, who are very romantic.

There are more than two men who excel at romance, aren't there? Don't most men know how to sweep a woman off her feet?

Dear No Kiss Begins with Kay:
Your man is aggravated because he can’t be like the men in commercials on TV. OK. Yes, he is so very correct to be aggravated at them, because there is no way on Jebus’s green Earth he could ever do nice things for you. It’s impossible to leave a flower by your plate at dinner, or to rub your feet, or to draw you a bath with candles. Those things are like Unicorns and Michael Jackson’s dignity – they don’t exist! They are impossible! We get mad at commercials when they show a sparkling clean floor – our husbands suddenly think that such a thing is attainable and we are in deep shit.

Your husband could learn to do those things for you, but he doesn’t want to. That’s the bottom line. He’d rather get mad at the TV. There are men who try and do nice, romantic things. Do you want one?

Saturday, March 29, 2008

LOLLost - I can haz?

So, the BHBs have been up to even more silly than usual (see regular activities such as shitty finger waves in hair, giggling about stupid romance novels starring people named Krondor, and talking about sex ad nauseum.)

We introduce you to a spontaneous contribution to the Universe - LOLLost. It started in the Jezebel commenters section, and is spreading it's benign evil forthwith. If you have no idea to what that refers, then you probably spend more time in life doing, you know, real things in the world that surfing on the internetz, and shame on you. LOLLost is inspired by the stupidness that is LOLCats.

A few of our humble contributions...

So visit the stupidity and make some of your own. You know you want to!

Friday, March 14, 2008

BOSS is a Four-Letter Word

Dear BHB's:
My manager habitually uses foul language during business meetings, and I think the jackass ought to be reprimanded. I ain't exactly a nun, but I do manage to keep my bad words to myself when on the clock because it's against company policy (hello! harassment!). I don't want to go to Human Resources with this, because if I do, somehow it will come back to bite me in the ass. Besides, I hate a snitch. What's your fucking opinion?
Fed Up With Foul Boss

Dear Fucking Fed Up:
Presumably these fucking business meetings involve a number of other employees who also bear witness to your manager's foul mouth. If you like your damn boss, then maybe you and several others can speak to him privately and express your concern over his shitty vocabulary.

If you fucking hate him, then get a mini fucking tape recorder and record him talking shit in one of your fucking shit ass meetings. Then, get your pussy ass friends to fucking buck up, and as a group present the shit to H.R.

Or, if you still can't stomach the tattletale thing, then just feel free to indulge in copious usage of fucking bad words, and encourage your pals to do the same, and fucking force your asshole manager to deal with the damn situation. Hell, if he tries to punish you, and/or your fucking cohorts; simply remind him of his own public indiscretions. I'm pretty fucking sure he doesn't want HIS boss to know what a fuckhead he really is, so probably that should put the whole damn affair to rest. Shit.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I am about to graduate from high school. I have been dating the same guy for 2 years now. His dad hates me. My birthday is next week and I will be turning 18. My boyfriend is not quite a year younger than me. His dad said if we keep dating after I turn 18 he will call the police and I will be arrested for corrupting a minor or something like that. What can I do?
Troubled Teen

Dear Not Exactly Mrs. Robinson:
Well, that's a doozy. We regretfully inform you that while this whole situation really sucks for both you and your slightly less mature boyfriend, legally, his father could cause you a world of hurt if he so chooses. As much as we (OK, Ethel, at least) fancy younger men, we can only advise that you wait for him to grow up a little, for your own sake. Darn, that's harsh. But vaguely attractive middle school teachers and, of course, priests, have had to go and ruin it for everybody. The law is black and white. You may consider visiting a free legal advice website and inquire as to whether there may be some grey area surrounding your own plight, but on the whole, we think it might be wiser if you and boyfriend part for a time, while you start checking out college boys. Slightly older, beer guzzling frat boys might be a nice change of pace.

Monday, March 10, 2008

As Long as He Doesn't Look Better Than You Do In Them...

Dear BHB's:
What should I do if I found my boyfriend dancing around in my bra and panties?

Dear Baffled:
Did he look good? If yes, hey – dance with him and get lucky. A lay is a lay.

But seriously (actually, we were), a frank discussion is in order. There are plenty of hetero men who are into the nice, soft feeling of silky underthings against the skin. A little fetish can be exciting! If he’s a great guy, and a keeper, then put aside your gender role stereotypes and take a deep breath. After all, a hundred years ago the mens were horrified at the womens daring to wear pants.

Maybe it’s a deal breaker, but it might not be. A good man is hard to find. And a hard man is good to find. Even in Victoria’s Secret.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Daring Darling

Dear Mrs. Web:
My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?

Dear Married to Evil Knievel:
Take out a multi-million dollar life insurance policy on him immediately. If that doesn't stop him, then at least you will be a wealthy, desirable widow if he becomes lost or stranded in the Amazon or maybe on top of Mount Everest and draws the short straw and winds up as the appetizer for the all-you-can-eat-resorting-to-cannibalism-so-that-others-may-live buffet.

Or, volunteer to go with him. If he loves you enough that he doesn't want YOU to die anytime soon, maybe you can pull the old, "I cannot live without you and must be ever at your side" routine and therefore maybe, for your sake, he will relent but still manage to save face with his presumably thrill seeking and mildly retarded buddies. Maybe.

Or maybe he'll take out a multi-million dollar life insurance policy on you and say, "OK honey, let's go!"

Or, you could tell him how very lonely and horny you will be if he leaves you and goes on this trip, and maybe you could ask one of your male friends (who has a deep and sexy voice) to call your house at random when hubby is home and ask to speak to you. You then whisper desperately into the phone while hubby is still within earshot, "Not now, Giuseppe, my husband hasn't left on his expedition yet!" Perhaps jealousy alone can win the day. And perhaps, if it doesn't, you and Giuseppe can buy a private island and laze about in the sun while your future children frolic merrily in the surf.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Stupid Monster Head

Dear E. Jean:
Back in high school, I had a crush on a senior. I never knew why, but he and his friends tormented me: They started rumors, told their girlfriends horrible lies so they'd want to beat me up, and just made my life as miserable as possible.

Since then, I graduated from college in three years, now work for a top fashion website as an editor, travel, and look damn good. All in all, I'm A-OK and lead a pretty fabulous life. And what are those cool, popular guys up to now? They're either in jail, rehab for drug abuse, or trying to make it as white rappers.

So wouldn't you know…after seven years of no contact, many of them have found me on social-networking sites and have contacted me! One in particular keeps telling me how beautiful I am and asks me out repeatedly. I've been polite, but in no way have I encouraged conversation. Yet he's persisting! I find him revolting, but I feel guilty not responding because his life is so crappy now. How do I nicely convey that I don't want anything to do with him? Or—shudder at the thought!—am I being a jerk for holding a grudge for so long?
Tables Have Turned

Dear Being Nice is For Loser Non-Fabulous People:
Fuck. Him.

Now is not the time for mamby-pamby “please leave me alone” business!

You have two choices. You can either begin to ensnare him a web vengeful lies, leading him on and in a series of coyly suspenseful and Hitchcock-esque dates until he confesses his undying love and you dash his hopes upon the rocks of despair at your high school reunion in front of all his asshole friends with a bucket of PIG’S BLOOD!!!!


Turn your bad experiences into a best-selling chick-lit book, which in turn will be made into a romantic comedy starring Amy Adams as you and James McAvoy as the nerdy yet sexy boy who secretly loves you from afar. Ok so maybe you didn’t actually have a nerdy yet sexy boy who secretly loved you from afar, but it’s your damn book/ movie. OK, and those people are totally too old to play high schoolers, but we’re tired of seeing anorexic interchangeable teenagers star in shitty high school movies.

What were we talking about?

Oh, yes. Forget high school jerk! Don’t reply to asshat anymore and go be fabulous!

PS - White rappers?

PPS - This blog is titled "Stupid Monster Head" at Lucy's husband's request. No, she doesn't know why. Maybe he just likes Monster Heads. No he doesn't - they're stupid.


i am a girl,16 years old.i am in a relationship right now that has started 8 months ago.he first texted me and told me who he was,because i hadn't noticed him before.we started chatting by messages,when finally,several months later,we became a couple.he is not very attractive in my opinion but i overlooked that because everyone were telling me he was a very good guy.we had a quite normal relationship,but it was obvious(not only to the two of us,but to everyone else as well)that i had the control of him and of the relationship.he once told me he loved me.i wasn't feeling the same,but there were times when he made me so,i told him that i loved him,too even though it wasn't quite,he kept saying he loved me lots of times.and one day i told him to break up.i don't remember why.but he started crying in front of me!that was when i seriously got sick of him.since then,numerous times i had told him i wanted to be with him,and he accepted,and some days later i wanted to break up.i had other relationships in the meantime,so as he,but i keep returning at him,hoping it will be the last time we will break up.also,a lot of people,usually mine and his friends,tell me he loves me,and i keep hurting him,and i know they think im a really bad person and i should stop doing this.but i really don't know why i keep returning at him or why i keep telling him to break up.i think i feel secure and lovable around him,and i also feel like he's the only one who understands me,but im not sure if i am attracted to him anymore.sometimes i even feel like i know him too much and i get bored around him.and he puts pressure on me by saying he loves me,since i can't say the same anymore.right now we are together again,but it only lasted for a week,because yesterday i told him i need some time to think.i know i should break up with him for the last time,but if i have this feeling again after a while and still want him??and i can't take anymore people telling me i hurt him!i know that,and it's not like i want to hurt him!after all,as selfish as it sounds,i think that first is my feelings and then everyone's else.i seriously don't know what to do!help!

Dear Sweet-and-Sour Sixteen:
You are 16 years old. Friggin' sweet s i x t e e n! We'll tell you what to do. Stop watching shitty reality TV shows and thinking that's how you're life should be. Dump all the boys. Yes, even whiny, crying boy. Especially him. Forever. Hell, maybe you're a lesbian and you don't even know it yet. Get a hobby. For goodness' sake, pay attention in school! Learn how to type "I" as a capital letter. Set some goals for yourself. Join the army. Practice inline skating. Climb Mount Fuji. Learn another language (OK, in your case, start with English). And stop being so selfish. Self-fulfillment comes from helping others. Take a look at Mother Theresa's life. That would have been one hell (excuse us, departed Sister, "heck") of a reality show, as well as a reality check. You're 16. Live and learn.