Thursday, October 30, 2008

POOP not GOOP: Masturbate Your Way to Health!

Lucy: My new best friend Gwyneth Paltrow e-mailed me today.

Ethel: She’s suing us for making fun of her? Bitch!

Lucy: No, no – she’s giving us more GOOPy goodness.

Ethel: Yay! Time for us to be full of shit then! Or POOP to be more precise.

Lucy: The Subject of the e-mail was “It’s Goop – DO”. It’s like she’s asking us to mock her. Do is one half of do-do which means POOP!

Ethel: Hahaha!

Lucy: She gives us advice from all three of her doctors: her New York doctor, her London doctor and her Los Angeles doctor.

Ethel: She needs three doctors? What the hell is wrong with her? Why are we taking advice from a dying woman?

Lucy: We’re not actually.

Ethel: Oh, Okay then.

Lucy: I only have one doctor – and she’s just the cooch doctor.

Ethel: Three doctors in three cities. Stars – they’re just like us!

Lucy: Okay – GOOP doctor number 3534321 says to sleep and exercise regularly. Well I learn that every month from lady magazines.

Ethel: Plus Vogue tell us about all the clothes we can’t afford.

Lucy: Yes! Fail, GOOP. Fail. POOP says sex is way more important than sleep, and that it also qualifies as exercise!

Ethel: POOP is pro-sex!

Lucy: Next, Doctor 234.5 says that everything everywhere will kill us because it’s toxic, so to not eat for twelve hours after dinner to detoxify.

Ethel: “Detoxify” to me means “Drink More Liquor”.

Lucy: Well liquor is cleansing.

Ethel: POOP says drink for twelve hours and then you’ll really clean yourself out! Plus, you need to drink to forget that everything everywhere is killing you.

Lucy: Win! We’re also not supposed to eat anything in a package.

Ethel: But Jeno’s Pizza Rolls come in a package, and I’m pretty sure those are the best food ever.

Lucy: Indeed. There seems to be a flaw in her reasoning.

Ethel: Gwyneth would not approve of the stew I am making. The meat is not organic. The mushrooms are from the bottom of my fridge and they were probably sorta bad as of yesterday. And the potatoes are white! And white foods are of the devil!

Lucy: Nay, I say! NAY! Potatoes give us chips, and potato skins with cheese, and BAKED potatoes! GOOP hates whitey, but POOP says all the food colors are beautiful, especially covered in cheese!

Ethel: I have my own method of detoxifying.

Lucy: Do tell!

Ethel: Have some tea, do a yoga pose or two maybe, and then go masturbate. You’ll feel better in no time!

Lucy: GOOP says follow a complicated menu; POOP says masturbate!

Ethel: I think our methodology is much more fun.

Lucy: Plus, POOP is fun to say. Hey – maybe she named this stupid website GOOP because it describes all the nasty shit that comes out of you when you follow her directions?

Ethel: But where does it come out?

Lucy: I don’t want to know. Let’s go drink wine.

Ethel: Poop yeah!


Nefarious Newt said...

Three doctors? She must have a great medical plan... I can't even find one!

And I think you bring up an important point: masturbation is a long underrated method for staying healthy. Clears the sinuses, gets the heart going, burns extra calories, brings on that warm, healthy glow... Everybody masturbate!!!

Kit said...


I'm up for it. Any excuse will do. ^^

Kit said...


I love it! Any excuse will do really. ^^