Caught Between a Rock & Republic & a Hard Place

Dear E. Jean: I’m not the richest or most glamorous girl on the block. I’m not able to buy whatever I please on a whim, such as the Jimmy Choo bag I’ve been saving for, but I dress stylishly and receive lots of compliments. My best friend, whom I adore, means well, but she can drive me insane when she thrusts in my face the latest Gucci wallet she just bought. It causes me to feel inferior and to envy what she has. Not only that, I start to feel really competitive, and this puts a strain on our friendship. What can I do to fix this without going on a shopping spree that will put me in debt?—Trying to Chill

Dear Loco for Logos:

If you define your self-worth on the Paris Hilton Scale of Logos for Logos’ Sake, then you have bigger problems than your BFF. Why would you allow yourself to feel inferior over a wallet? Have you no talents? No brains? No accomplishments with which to fill your coffers of self-worth?

Really missy – you’ve made us put on our Cranky Grandma hat up in here! A true friend does not care what logos or expensive shit you have, and a proud female person does not define herself in that way. Put your enthusiasm to better use – read a book and educate yourself, read a newspaper and learn about the world, create something, volunteer for a bigger cause than yourself, seduce a sexy man who enjoys housework*. If you feel happy about yourself no matter if you shop at Target or Prada, then your beauty will shine - a beauty that has nothing to do with your purse or wallet.

* If you find this man, please reply back to us with his phone number.

I Don't Know What Your Problem is... We Love Getting Set Up with Creepy Men Against Our Wills!

Dear BHBs:
How do I make people believe me when I tell them I’m not really looking for a guy? How's that for a question? I'm almost 30 years old, and due to an... interesting... childhood, I guess you could say I’m developmentally stunted. Or just a late bloomer. I didn't even start LOOKING at guys until high school, and even then I wasn't really interested. NOW... well, I guess I’m sort of interested in the idea of a relationship (or maybe it's just that a second income sounds REALLY GOOD), but not enough to put forth any effort. I'm not the sort of girl who's attracted to anyone based on their looks. He'd have to open his mouth AND he'd have to avoid saying anything obnoxious for at least the first few minutes.

Yet every single person that I speak to wants to "help me" get a guy. Or they "know this great guy". Or they point out every single flipping man I walk past in the grocery store. I have friends who run up to strange men and ask if they're single "for me". I don't care if they're single. I don't care about them at all. I just want to buy my groceries.

You know what I REALLY hate? When I tell people I don't date, they almost invariably ask if I’m a lesbian. Lesbians DATE, people, they just don't date MEN.

Is there a polite way to get everyone off my back?

Dear Awesome Lady:
Woot! You better preach sista! There are so many excellent points in your question, we’re kinda wondering why you even need us? You sound like a very together chick.

First of all, Late Bloomer sounds way better than Developmentally Stunted, so we’ll go with that. We were semi-late bloomers as well, with neither of us dating for real until college. You’re not alone! Our criteria in men has always included “don’t say stupid shit” too – as well as “don’t do stupid shit”. You don’t have to justify your method of dating or not – you are Queen of your world and you can rule it as you see fit!

But onto your question – how to stop the busy-bodies? We think you need a sit down with the parties in question. Address the situation in a friendly setting, and not when they are pushing some dumbass in your face. Tell them look, this is simply not cool anymore – I love you as my friends, but I do NOT want what you are selling. Tell them you really are a happy and contented person, but that you appreciate the fact that they want to help you. Their annoying busyness is really just a sign that they care, and it should be addressed as such. If they ultimately do not respect your wishes after this talk, then you have to evaluate whether you want these folks as friends (i.e. if this boorish behavior is a deal breaker in your relationship).

As for the lesbian question – we have a foolproof response to impertinent and douchbaggy questions. The next time someone asks you if you are a lesbian – ask them in turn, “Why do you ask?” Make them explain to you why they are prying into your personal life without invitation. Just stand there with a big smile on your face and be silent as they struggle to explain themselves, and then never answer their question. If they really persist, a nice “That’s none of your business” or a “Why, are you gay?” will suffice.

PS – You should start grocery shopping alone. Grocery shopping is annoying enough without the man-parade included!

Dear Someone Else: You don't like me! You Really, Really Don't Like Me!

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Cubicle Coach (Marie Claire):
I have a colleague who clearly doesn't like me. She makes lunch dates and small talk with pretty much everyone on the floor except for me. I don't know what I ever did. Would confronting her about it be mature and honest or drama-inducing?

Dear Ms. Needy:
Here’s a good life lesson that your Mother probably should have taught you: not everyone is going to like you. Here’s another: no one at work is obligated to like you, hang out with you, chat with you, lunch with you, or do anything other than work with you! Confronting her would be drama-inducing, yes, and also needy and awkward for everyone. You are sure to become an office joke should you proceed with this plan, so please don’t do it!

If you want to be friends with her, because you genuinely like her and not just because you feel left out, make more of an effort to get to know her. Ask her about her life & family. In other words, be friendly. You say she makes small talk with others… have you ever made small talk with her? Unless you’re just an ass and don’t know it, or have an unpleasant Patchouli smell or something, you’ll probably become her friend the natural way, not the crazy, demanding, gossip-inducing way you have suggested.

Dear Someone Else: Blue Suede Blues

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

The I-Want-to-Recycle-My-Cheapskate-Friend Problem
DEAR E. JEAN (Elle): For my best friend’s birthday, I gave her a gorgeous dress. Two days later, for my birthday, she presented me with the ugliest light-blue suede handbag imaginable. It looks like something she got for Christmas last year and then let sit around for 10 months, gathering dust and stains—it’s filthy. She’s supposed to be my closest friend! Do I buy suede cleaner and keep quiet? Or do I call her out on this?—Hurting in Hollywood

Dear Hurting in Hollywood:
Buy yourself some blue suede shoes with dust and stains on them to go with the friggin’ bag and keep your mouth shut. You’ll look hip and “vintage.” Besides, maybe your friend is poor right now and the yucky purse was the best she could do. Or, maybe she thought the “gorgeous” dress you gave her was truly hideous and she thought to repay you in kind. Taste is subjective. Next holiday arrange to buy each other gift cards of the same value to the same store. Boring, but fair.

Dear Someone Else: OMG My Friend is, Like, Gonna be Britney Spears!

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Mrs. Web, My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good. I 'm afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me. What do I do?

Dear Cart Before Horse,
What about your friend makes you think that she might not remember you? She sounds like a bitch. Don't worry about this issue, as the real world of the music business will probably crush your friend and spit her out upon the casting couch from whence she came. If she does happen to get famous, look past her shallowness and be her equally-shallow entourage-like hanger-on, instead of her manager. That way you don't have to do any work. Start a clothing line with her so that you may profit from her fame and name it something stupid that's a combination of your two names. Then, when you aren't friends anymore due to her cocaine and cheeto filled meltdown at the MTV Movie Awards, write a book about her and appear on Oprah. Resist the temptation to run about underwearless. That's nasty. So stop hating on your friend because she's talented. Instead of going to college and making something intelligent of yourself, you can be a groupie. Doesn't that sound nice?