Wednesday, February 6, 2008

I Don't Know What Your Problem is... We Love Getting Set Up with Creepy Men Against Our Wills!

Dear BHBs:
How do I make people believe me when I tell them I’m not really looking for a guy? How's that for a question? I'm almost 30 years old, and due to an... interesting... childhood, I guess you could say I’m developmentally stunted. Or just a late bloomer. I didn't even start LOOKING at guys until high school, and even then I wasn't really interested. NOW... well, I guess I’m sort of interested in the idea of a relationship (or maybe it's just that a second income sounds REALLY GOOD), but not enough to put forth any effort. I'm not the sort of girl who's attracted to anyone based on their looks. He'd have to open his mouth AND he'd have to avoid saying anything obnoxious for at least the first few minutes.

Yet every single person that I speak to wants to "help me" get a guy. Or they "know this great guy". Or they point out every single flipping man I walk past in the grocery store. I have friends who run up to strange men and ask if they're single "for me". I don't care if they're single. I don't care about them at all. I just want to buy my groceries.

You know what I REALLY hate? When I tell people I don't date, they almost invariably ask if I’m a lesbian. Lesbians DATE, people, they just don't date MEN.

Is there a polite way to get everyone off my back?

Dear Awesome Lady:
Woot! You better preach sista! There are so many excellent points in your question, we’re kinda wondering why you even need us? You sound like a very together chick.

First of all, Late Bloomer sounds way better than Developmentally Stunted, so we’ll go with that. We were semi-late bloomers as well, with neither of us dating for real until college. You’re not alone! Our criteria in men has always included “don’t say stupid shit” too – as well as “don’t do stupid shit”. You don’t have to justify your method of dating or not – you are Queen of your world and you can rule it as you see fit!

But onto your question – how to stop the busy-bodies? We think you need a sit down with the parties in question. Address the situation in a friendly setting, and not when they are pushing some dumbass in your face. Tell them look, this is simply not cool anymore – I love you as my friends, but I do NOT want what you are selling. Tell them you really are a happy and contented person, but that you appreciate the fact that they want to help you. Their annoying busyness is really just a sign that they care, and it should be addressed as such. If they ultimately do not respect your wishes after this talk, then you have to evaluate whether you want these folks as friends (i.e. if this boorish behavior is a deal breaker in your relationship).

As for the lesbian question – we have a foolproof response to impertinent and douchbaggy questions. The next time someone asks you if you are a lesbian – ask them in turn, “Why do you ask?” Make them explain to you why they are prying into your personal life without invitation. Just stand there with a big smile on your face and be silent as they struggle to explain themselves, and then never answer their question. If they really persist, a nice “That’s none of your business” or a “Why, are you gay?” will suffice.

PS – You should start grocery shopping alone. Grocery shopping is annoying enough without the man-parade included!

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