Thursday, October 18, 2007

Don't Worry - We're Haters, Too

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I am sick of people. People who swear. People who like dogs. People who are rude. People who like cats. People who wear perfume. People who run me off the road. People who hate aardvarks. People who write letters to the editor. People who watch football. People who don't take a bath. People who hum when they work. People who are slobs. People who like Nascar. People who wear dirty tennis shoes. In short ... all kinds of people. I'm thinking that I should just move into a cave and stay away from the human race as much as possible. Is there something wrong with me?

Dear Intelligent Person:
There is nothing wrong with you. We are snarky women who hate many, many things. We had a discussion about all the stupid people which went something like this:

Lucy: Take a look at this question!

Ethel: I’m sick of people, too.

Lucy: I know – she thinks there’s something wrong with her, but I think it’s very sensible to want to live in a cave due to the schlubs who abound in modern society. Just not very practical.

Ethel: I hate people who order hard things at McDonald's and hold up the drive through. Just order a fucking Big Mac already.

Lucy: I hate the parents who drive their kids to school near where I live – they all dodge traffic and run their kids across the street instead of using the cross walk 50 feet away. Nice – teach your kid to run into traffic.

Ethel: I hate people who put ketchup on everything.

Lucy: I hate people who say “At the end of the day.”

Ethel: I hate people who tell me it’s wrong to ride horses.

Lucy: I hate that my hubby hates Halloween.

Ethel: That totally blows.

Lucy: I know! I love Halloween!

Ethel: I hate people who like housework.

Lucy: And then they tell you all about it like they are a saint or something. Yeah, fuck them!

Ethel: I hate people who tell me I don’t have to drink to have a good time. Sometimes, I want to drink! Don’t give me your uninvited commentary.

Lucy: I hate people who say really smugly that they never watch TV. As if it’s a badge of honor. I had a lady do that, and then the next time I saw her she asked if I ever watch such and such TV show because she loves it.

Ethel: Did you hit her?

Lucy: No, I wanted to though.

Ethel: I hate it that you can’t just hit stupid people.

Lucy: Agreed. Some people need a good slap.

Ethel: I hate people who give you uninvited hugs. They are never people whom you would choose to hug.

Lucy: I hate men who leer at me in front of their wives and children.

Ethel: Yes!!! Whew! That felt good.

Lucy: It probably didn’t help our friend though. She can either go live in said cave, learn to deal, or buy a gun and have a few brief moments of bloody satisfaction before they cart her off to the pokie.

Ethel: She’d be around a lot of people in jail. Most of them annoying, I’m sure.

Lucy: Hmmm.

Ethel: If she started a fight in jail then she’d get solitary!

Lucy: Yeah! But then of course there’s all the people she gunned down….

Ethel: Probably not the best solution.

Lucy: No.

Ethel: Then she needs to deal – I find that giving myself a little present after a particularly trying day is nice.

Lucy: Like that Big Mac, or a coffee.

Ethel: Or a ring from the 99 cents store.

Lucy: Or a new lipstick!

Ethel: She should take a deep breath, be glad she’s not a stupid as all the people she hates, and move on. Life is too short.

Lucy: And just fantasize about slapping them all, but not actually doing it.

Ethel: Uh, oh - we swore at the lady who hates people who swear.

Lucy: Good thing we told her not to gun down people who annoy her.

Ethel: I hate people who like Nascar, too.

Lucy: Who doesn’t?


Bonnie said...

Dear BHB,

I so completely needed this today. Thank you. Never have I been so happy to follow a link from the signature file of a poster at a message board in my entire life. I have added y'all to my FEEDS and will be eating you up from here on out.

I was going to write in with a question as follows:

"Why do some people suck?"

And then I read this post and didn't need to ask that question anymore. I'm a hater. So glad to finally come out and say that.

Y'all rule.

I'll be back. :)


Anonymous said...

NASCAR is sacred, you bitches!

Anonymous said...

i hate lots of people, but i loves the brutally honest babes!