Sunday, December 30, 2007

Unsolicited Advice: Babes Don’t Let Babes Look Stumpy

As Old Man ’07 sputters in his hospital bed and increases his morphine drip, we beseech both you faithful readers to let certain trends die right along with him. It seems silly to have to point this out, but women should enjoy making themselves look pretty. However, as we see whenever we leave our Brutally Honest House every day, this simply isn’t so. Let us embrace 2008 as the Year of Pretty and forget these shameful examples of 2007’s ugly overload.

DIE DIE DIE trend #1: Unless you are Russell Crowe, just say no!

Gladiator sandals are a no. They are flat, make the leg look stumpy, and are fugly fugly no matter how many cute dresses you pair them with.

Is a striped tan something you really need? Did you think to yourself, “What this outfit needs is more Manliness!” when you got dressed this morning? We thought not.

Don’t do it ladies. Repeat after us, “What this outfit needs is some cute baby-doll heels to accentuate my butt and elongate my leg!”

Doesn’t that feel good?

DIE DIE DIE trend #2: You can’t spell Uggly without Ugg.

We don’t even want to hear the C word. There are many comfortable shoes – trainers, flats, kitten heels to name a few. There is no reason on God’s Holy Beautiful Earth to put on pair of Uggs.

They do not look cute with anything. No, not anything. We hear you thinking, “But they look cute with my…” NO! No No No! They do not look cute with anything! You look stumpy in them, no matter how long your legs are. If your legs are short, just turn around and go home because you now resemble a waddling daschund.

UGLY! STUMPY!! UGGGGGGG!!! OK… must… calm… down.

Really. The BHBs have your best interests at heart. Throw away the Uggs.

PS: This is your first and only warning. If we ever see you in pajama pants and Uggs, we may hit you. It’s a reflex - one we don’t care to try and stop.

DIE DIE DIE trend #3: Leggings make us stabby.

Many great things came out of the 1980s.

The Golden Girls.
Margaret Thatcher.
The Pet Shop Boys.

Many terrible things were spawned in the 1980s.

The Le Car.
And Leggings.

We hate leggings with an unholy fury normally only reserved for Hitler and asshole ex-boyfriends. They are not pants. They should not go under dresses. See all the ranting about stumpiness above and substitute “leggings” for “Uggs”.

Do any of you think this is attractive? Even the model looks bad in them. They create camel toe. Many times, they have nasty cheap lace at the bottom. They are not pants! They are evil and ugly and they died once, to the relief of all mankind. And they lead to tragedy…

...we actually saw stirrup pants in a copy of Vogue.




You wouldn’t embrace any life advice Lindsay Lohan might give you, would you? Then don’t dress like her either! BURN THE LEGGINGS!

We hope these friendly and only slightly vehement fashion tips have helped you to see the light. Be kind to your bottom half – embrace the pretty in 2008!

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