Thursday, March 6, 2008

Daring Darling

Dear Mrs. Web:
My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?

Dear Married to Evil Knievel:
Take out a multi-million dollar life insurance policy on him immediately. If that doesn't stop him, then at least you will be a wealthy, desirable widow if he becomes lost or stranded in the Amazon or maybe on top of Mount Everest and draws the short straw and winds up as the appetizer for the all-you-can-eat-resorting-to-cannibalism-so-that-others-may-live buffet.

Or, volunteer to go with him. If he loves you enough that he doesn't want YOU to die anytime soon, maybe you can pull the old, "I cannot live without you and must be ever at your side" routine and therefore maybe, for your sake, he will relent but still manage to save face with his presumably thrill seeking and mildly retarded buddies. Maybe.

Or maybe he'll take out a multi-million dollar life insurance policy on you and say, "OK honey, let's go!"

Or, you could tell him how very lonely and horny you will be if he leaves you and goes on this trip, and maybe you could ask one of your male friends (who has a deep and sexy voice) to call your house at random when hubby is home and ask to speak to you. You then whisper desperately into the phone while hubby is still within earshot, "Not now, Giuseppe, my husband hasn't left on his expedition yet!" Perhaps jealousy alone can win the day. And perhaps, if it doesn't, you and Giuseppe can buy a private island and laze about in the sun while your future children frolic merrily in the surf.

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