Monday, March 3, 2008

Stupid Monster Head

Dear E. Jean:
Back in high school, I had a crush on a senior. I never knew why, but he and his friends tormented me: They started rumors, told their girlfriends horrible lies so they'd want to beat me up, and just made my life as miserable as possible.

Since then, I graduated from college in three years, now work for a top fashion website as an editor, travel, and look damn good. All in all, I'm A-OK and lead a pretty fabulous life. And what are those cool, popular guys up to now? They're either in jail, rehab for drug abuse, or trying to make it as white rappers.

So wouldn't you know…after seven years of no contact, many of them have found me on social-networking sites and have contacted me! One in particular keeps telling me how beautiful I am and asks me out repeatedly. I've been polite, but in no way have I encouraged conversation. Yet he's persisting! I find him revolting, but I feel guilty not responding because his life is so crappy now. How do I nicely convey that I don't want anything to do with him? Or—shudder at the thought!—am I being a jerk for holding a grudge for so long?
Tables Have Turned

Dear Being Nice is For Loser Non-Fabulous People:
Fuck. Him.

Now is not the time for mamby-pamby “please leave me alone” business!

You have two choices. You can either begin to ensnare him a web vengeful lies, leading him on and in a series of coyly suspenseful and Hitchcock-esque dates until he confesses his undying love and you dash his hopes upon the rocks of despair at your high school reunion in front of all his asshole friends with a bucket of PIG’S BLOOD!!!!


Turn your bad experiences into a best-selling chick-lit book, which in turn will be made into a romantic comedy starring Amy Adams as you and James McAvoy as the nerdy yet sexy boy who secretly loves you from afar. Ok so maybe you didn’t actually have a nerdy yet sexy boy who secretly loved you from afar, but it’s your damn book/ movie. OK, and those people are totally too old to play high schoolers, but we’re tired of seeing anorexic interchangeable teenagers star in shitty high school movies.

What were we talking about?

Oh, yes. Forget high school jerk! Don’t reply to asshat anymore and go be fabulous!

PS - White rappers?

PPS - This blog is titled "Stupid Monster Head" at Lucy's husband's request. No, she doesn't know why. Maybe he just likes Monster Heads. No he doesn't - they're stupid.

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