P.S. Whore Moan

P. S. This be a bit of a post script to the Cramps blog. The birth control Pill is both a blessing and a curse. Just like ye olde "." Female hormones are a thing to be reckoned with. Stirring them up and swishing them around and adding and subtracting and "regulating" them via the Pill is scary business. Did y'all know that the Pill often has a drastically adverse affect on one's libido? OK, let's do away with that jackass Freudian stuff, he didn't know shit about the female orgasm. Take two: Did y'all know that the Pill often has a drastically adverse affect on one's sex drive?

Lucy and Ethel found that out first hand, but when Lucy mentioned it to Doc, Doc was stunned and amazed and had not heard of such a thing! Ladies, be warned. Do your own research, and be aware that going on or off the pill, or changing brands or dosages can make you CRAY-CRAY. For example, Ethel is about two weeks into a new type of Pill. It seems to encourage her either to be constipated for days on end or else trotting to the loo too often. "Trots," you know. She also is bloated (of course) and has an uncomfortable tingly/warmish sensation in her feet. Those are her outward physical side effects. Mentally, she's mental--i.e. alternately crying or screaming with little or no provocation. She also is not sleeping particularly well.

Here's a jolly Ethel tale: Ethel awakens one night/morning at four a.m. She is overly warm. Her heart is racing. In the darkness it comes to her. The reason for her constipation/trots/bloating/foot-problem/sleeplessness/etc. FRED. Fred must be slowly poisoning her. (Ethel watches a lot of crime scene drama TV). Of course he must have taken out a billion dollar life insurance policy on her without her knowledge--as he is even now snoring beside her, smug in his knowledge of her suffering and his eventual windfall! Yeah. After about an hour or so of tossing and turning and letting the poison have its way with her, she falls back to sleep.

When Ethel awakens, Fred has already jaunted off for the day. After her habitual cup of coffee (which she was careful to have thoroughly examined before consuming), Ethel comes to the conclusion that her four a.m. revelation might just be from her own Pill, rather than Fred's secret stash of Cyanide/Arsenic/Rat Poison. Since she's already seen the ghost of a departed loved-one, already had an "out of body" experience, and also been anally probed by any number of aliens (usually around four in the morning), she decides to give Fred the benefit of the doubt. For now. But she is looking to hire an Official Taster.