I'm Hairy Noon and Night; Hair That's a Fright.

DEAR ABBY: Is there a rule of etiquette regarding how men should wear long hair? My boyfriend's hair isn't long enough to pull into a ponytail, but it's long enough that he is constantly sweeping or shaking it out of his eyes. If we were to go to a funeral or similar ceremonial (or formal) event, what should he do? I need some input. -- HAIR-RAISING QUESTION

Dear Hair Which Has Been Raised:

Boy, Abby is on FIRE this week. She recommended hair gel to you. Yum! Long, nasty hair gelled back into a… something… we don’t know. She just said to gel his hair. Is it 1987 where Abby lives? Judging by her picture, we think so.

We’re confused – it’s not that long if it can’t be put in a ponytail, yet he’s luxuriously shaking it out of his eyes. Is it some kind of horrible Jonas Brothers monstrosity?

OK, the curly Jonasseses aren’t that bad, but the straight hair one is, like, vom. But it looks like you can ponytail that crap. So, we’re just babbling confusedly really.

Maybe it’s an uggo Zac Efron thing? Douche-tastic!

If so, we’re sorry, but it cannot be saved without a cut. Many of the younguns like these new gorpy haircuts, but we are anti-gorp here at BHBs. The Harry Potter movie where all the boys sported that crappy floppy hair was a total bonerkiller. We recommend either a haircut or a commitment to grow the hair longer so he can be a ponytail guy. Ugh – kids today. Get off our lawn!