An "Alf" Shirt Would be Perfect...

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell friends and family that you're not interested in being fixed up? I'm a male, in my mid-40s, happily divorced for many years and have no desire to remarry.

I raised my children on my own, have a good job and many friends, but no desire to get into a relationship that could lead to more of a commitment than I am willing to make.

My life is good, but I'm constantly bombarded with questions like, "When are you going to get married again?" or, "Why don't you let me fix you up? I have the perfect woman for you." I don't know how to respond to this constant badgering. Please advise. -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS IN OHIO

Dear Too Popular For Own Good:
We have to laugh at the advice our dearest Abby gave you. Namely, to have a t-shirt made up with the slogan “Been There, Done That” on it. Ha! She was probably kidding, but we’re making fun of her so we don’t care. Actually, it’s a great idea, because who wants an aging asshole wearing a t-shirt with a hot 80s catchphrase on it? That tee is a great way to scare off the women. May we also suggest a “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” shirt and one with Urkel on it.

Oh noes! You are a straight, single guy in your 40s and all women are desperate to get married so they all want you. Ha! Just kidding. You’re probably reasonably good-looking, or no one would try to set you up with their friends. Can you really blame your nosy, irritating hangers-on for trying to hook you up? The dating pool is dismal, especially the older you get. But you’re having fun, cheap one night stands with drunken 22 year olds and you can’t give that up for a relationship. We understand.

Tell your friends to bugger off. Man up already and tell them how you feel. This isn’t a tough conversation*. You could tell them you have the scabies or something so they don’t want their women friends to touch you, but that’s extreme. Jebus, call us when you have a real problem, whiny.

*Now, telling all your nosy, irritating hangers-on that you’re a woman trapped in the body of a man who yearns to be free – that’s a tough conversation.