An "Alf" Shirt Would be Perfect...

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell friends and family that you're not interested in being fixed up? I'm a male, in my mid-40s, happily divorced for many years and have no desire to remarry.

I raised my children on my own, have a good job and many friends, but no desire to get into a relationship that could lead to more of a commitment than I am willing to make.

My life is good, but I'm constantly bombarded with questions like, "When are you going to get married again?" or, "Why don't you let me fix you up? I have the perfect woman for you." I don't know how to respond to this constant badgering. Please advise. -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS IN OHIO

Dear Too Popular For Own Good:
We have to laugh at the advice our dearest Abby gave you. Namely, to have a t-shirt made up with the slogan “Been There, Done That” on it. Ha! She was probably kidding, but we’re making fun of her so we don’t care. Actually, it’s a great idea, because who wants an aging asshole wearing a t-shirt with a hot 80s catchphrase on it? That tee is a great way to scare off the women. May we also suggest a “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” shirt and one with Urkel on it.

Oh noes! You are a straight, single guy in your 40s and all women are desperate to get married so they all want you. Ha! Just kidding. You’re probably reasonably good-looking, or no one would try to set you up with their friends. Can you really blame your nosy, irritating hangers-on for trying to hook you up? The dating pool is dismal, especially the older you get. But you’re having fun, cheap one night stands with drunken 22 year olds and you can’t give that up for a relationship. We understand.

Tell your friends to bugger off. Man up already and tell them how you feel. This isn’t a tough conversation*. You could tell them you have the scabies or something so they don’t want their women friends to touch you, but that’s extreme. Jebus, call us when you have a real problem, whiny.

*Now, telling all your nosy, irritating hangers-on that you’re a woman trapped in the body of a man who yearns to be free – that’s a tough conversation.

The One in Which We Adopt Made-Up Internet Words

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
ok what does it mean when a friend is sometimsey ? you know like when sometimes they you like sometimes they seem like they dont ?? I work with a friend that is like this . sometimes when I say hi she is all jolly and then there are those times she is like whatever I mean she says hi but she just different acting . sometimes lunch breaks she says hey go to lunch with me talk with me some days she just looks real crabby . I only go to lunch when she ask me wich is cool since I like being alone on lunch breaks anyway . really the lunch thing is fine I would rather be alone on lunch but I am not mean about it . then there was the time she begged me to go to the club with her I didnt wanna go but went anyway . when i called to meet up with her for going clubbing she acted like she didnt want me to go . why did she beg and force me to go then when I do go she acted like she didnt want me to go ?? well at first it was just gonna be me and her meeting another girl and she didnt wanna go alone and then her sister and cousin decided to go . so was it that she found other people and didnt need me to go ?? maybe she just wanted to use me ?? she is like this alot !! do you think she uses me ??

Dear Captain Grammar:
OK, we are totally adapting “sometimsey” as our new favorite word. That’s pretty much the only reason we picked out this question. Sometimsey we are like that.

Your co-worker only wants to hang out with you when there is no one better to hang out with. Sad, tough to hear, but true. We BHBs have both been there before, even though it might be tough for our adoring public to reconcile such, as we are so insanely awesome. But it’s true, and it hurts until you stop letting it hurt you.

You can either continue to hang out with Sometimsey and choose to not be offended when she snubs you, or you can drop her like Dorothy dropped Stan Zbornak after he screwed that flight attendant. Either way, this person is not really worth your time or consternation. Find a better, truer friend yourself and have fun good times with them. We all deserve better than a sometimsey. We all deserve a friend who is alwaysey. Except for Osama Bin Laden. Really, fuck him.

This is Why People Love Tivo

Dear Abby: My husband gets aggravated with romantic commercials on television -- the ones where men do sweet things for their wives, like putting jewelry on them while they sleep, or pulling out that special gift at the dinner table. He says the commercials try to make men feel guilty because they aren't like the ones portrayed.

I have tried telling him that men are, indeed, this way, but I couldn't think of any examples other than my brother and my father, who are very romantic.

There are more than two men who excel at romance, aren't there? Don't most men know how to sweep a woman off her feet?

Dear No Kiss Begins with Kay:
Your man is aggravated because he can’t be like the men in commercials on TV. OK. Yes, he is so very correct to be aggravated at them, because there is no way on Jebus’s green Earth he could ever do nice things for you. It’s impossible to leave a flower by your plate at dinner, or to rub your feet, or to draw you a bath with candles. Those things are like Unicorns and Michael Jackson’s dignity – they don’t exist! They are impossible! We get mad at commercials when they show a sparkling clean floor – our husbands suddenly think that such a thing is attainable and we are in deep shit.

Your husband could learn to do those things for you, but he doesn’t want to. That’s the bottom line. He’d rather get mad at the TV. There are men who try and do nice, romantic things. Do you want one?

As Long as He Doesn't Look Better Than You Do In Them...

Dear BHB's:
What should I do if I found my boyfriend dancing around in my bra and panties?
Sincerely,
Baffled

Dear Baffled:
Did he look good? If yes, hey – dance with him and get lucky. A lay is a lay.

But seriously (actually, we were), a frank discussion is in order. There are plenty of hetero men who are into the nice, soft feeling of silky underthings against the skin. A little fetish can be exciting! If he’s a great guy, and a keeper, then put aside your gender role stereotypes and take a deep breath. After all, a hundred years ago the mens were horrified at the womens daring to wear pants.

Maybe it’s a deal breaker, but it might not be. A good man is hard to find. And a hard man is good to find. Even in Victoria’s Secret.

Anything You Can do to Draw Attention to Your Mouth is Good

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
i have known this man for six years and there is no doubt there is some kind of attraction between us. i think of him all the time. how can i make myself irresistable to him [sic entire question, geez]

Dear It’s Called Punctuation:
Six Years? Are you stuck in a Jane Austin novel? Oh, goodie! Let’s see… you are poor, but pretty enough and have amazing spirit! He is rich and looks wonderful wet, a la Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. Despair not, sooner or later some improbable confusion will be thrust upon you, and then lifted, as you both discover your unending love!

If you are not actually stuck in an Austen novel, then… six years? Impetuous he is not. We hate to be nay-sayers, but maybe this mutual attraction in is not quite as mutual as you thought.

But for spits and giggles, let’s say there is a torrent of lust in his heart for you. Take a page from the book of Cher from Clueless (a ripping good movie and yet another Austen tale. Is there anything that woman can’t teach us?) Suddenly have some other man. The BHBs thoroughly believe that men want what they cannot have, and they enjoy chasing same. Date someone else casually, and be sure to mention it all the time around Mr. Reckless. Or, do as Cher did and send flowers to yourself, dress sexy and make someone up. Hey, she ended up with her step-brother in the end! That’s… something.

If he still doesn’t come around, then maybe your new casual man could be your torrent of lust. After six years, it sounds like you could really use a torrent of lust.

Mmmmmmm… torrent of lust.

We're Sorry Sweetie - Here's a Wipe.

Dear TheAnswerMan.com:
My boyfriend told me that he thinks he is becoming more mature because before he used to want a good looking girlfriend but now that is not so important to him. Personality is more important for him now. Then he told me I wasn't so good looking - about 6 or 7 out of 10. But he said he really likes my personality. How should I feel?

Dear 7 of 10:
We think you should feel depressed about dating a douchebag.

Let us elaborate. Yes, it is more mature to judge an entire person rather than just by a pretty face or nice pair of tits. Announcing it, however, is douchey. We’re sorry you got covered in his nasty, sticky self-congratulatory goo. Don’t just sit there with it all over your face! Here's a towel.

There are few perfect 10s in the world, and even they are completely in the eye of the beholder! Lucy likes Manly Men and Ethel likes Pretty Boys, and who is to say which is wrong or right? Your boy thinks you are a 6 or 7. Another might think you are a 9. The more you get to know and love someone, their out-of-10 points go up accordingly.

It’s up to you whether or not you want to stick with Mister Mature. From our end, it sounds like his personality points are headed South fast. Feel proud that you have that great personality (because it is more important), and think about whether you want a boy who rates you a "6 or 7" and clinically spews goo on you wrapped in a faux compliment. We are anti-goo.

Once a Zbornak, Always a Zbornak

Dear BHBs:
My sister’s ex-boyfriend (they’ve been broken up for 3 years now) has the hots for me. He just got a job next door to my office, and occasionally I run into him on lunch break. He has asked me out twice now, and twice I have come up with lame excuses. He’s really cute, and I think we even have a little chemistry. I want to go out with him, but am afraid of causing “bad blood” between me and my sis. Should I go for it?

Dear Shady Sister:
Whether they broke up three years or one tearful month ago, the ex is off limits. She is your sister, and that’s just too important a bond to break.

When Dorothy Zbornak’s sister Gloria slept with her loser ex-husband Stan, Dorothy was understandably enraged, hurling insightful insults as only Bea Arthur can. We know this because we totally watch The Golden Girls every night at 10pm. (What, you don’t?) Stan is the bald, aging, novelty-salesman loser to end all losers, but he was still Dorothy’s ex, and Gloria should have kept her hands off. She realized this at the end, and the sisters had a heartwarming moment during a hurricane. Also during that episode, we learned from Blanche that during an emergency, hoarding the foodstuffs and selling it back to people at a ridiculous markup is a great way to make cash.

Really, is there anything The Golden Girls can’t teach us?

How Much Wood Would a Wood Chuck Chuck?

AskJohnQ.com: Someone once told mee [sic] that "never leave the one you love for the one that you want because the one you want may not be the one that you love". But what if the one that you love isn't what you want?

Advice Haiku:
You make my head hurt
Opinions are like assholes
Don't ever date me

Why Not Take Both?

Dear BHBs:
I recently started dating someone. He's very nice, but I've found myself very attracted to one of his friends. The feeling is mutual. I don't want to hurt him, but I should be true to myself. I have to end the relationship, but do I have a right to then see his friend or should I deny myself? It's so hard to meet people that you connect with. I don't want to pass him up.
Help!

Dear Help!:
This is all so exciting! We’re married and boring so this doesn’t happen to us. Wait, let us turn up the radio…

“Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules”

You rule-breaker you. Some of these lyrics are downright dirty (i.e. “There's just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill”.) Sounds like you want Bachelor #2 to “fill your empty place” (hee!) and who can blame you?

There are two separate issues it seems to us. First, let Bachelor #1 down gently. Just end it, without long explanations about Bachelor #2 or whatever. Second, approach Bachelor #2 once you are officially single. Dating his friend’s ex is really more of an issue for him to come to terms with and make a decision about. As Mary Macgregor tells us:

“I couldn't really blame you if you turned and walked away
But with everything I feel inside, I'm asking you to stay”

He may or may not date you. He may choose his friendship over you. Or maybe he and his friend swap the ladies all the time in a kinky sex orgy in which you may or may not want to participate. But you won’t know until you pursue him and find out. Just know that you may end up with an empty place if Bachelor #2 denies you.

*Sob!* Why, Oh Why Didn't We Meet You First?

Dear Too Real Women:
My female boss has invited me out for dinner. She says that it is to thank me for landing a big client. I’m a single guy and she has kind of flirted with me in the past. How can I make sure that the dinner is all business, as I don’t want to be dessert?

Dear Mr. Irresistible:
Alas, I’m sure there is nothing whatsoever you can do. You must bed her like the stallion you are! Your clear charm and erotic male-ness leap off the interwebs and into our hearts! We are damp with passion just thinking about you, and we are sure she cannot possibly resist you.

Some might say that her “flirting” with you might just be a nice effort to create a worktime happy place for all that you are possibly misinterpreting, but not us. She’s a little woman, so all she really wants is to land a big client-getter like you, quit the better job she has, and have babies to coo at. I’m sure all the women you encounter are the same.

Do try to let her down easy. We double dog dare you. Open the dinner by clarifying the no-sex ground rules. She’ll love the manly and assertive way you have handled the situation. We promise.

An engagement ring on the first date? Pushy!

Dear BHBs:
I just started to date on the internet. I've been texting and talking on the phone with someone for a few weeks. He seems very nice. He texted me on Christmas and New Year's with very sweet message, but I felt a little pressured since we haven't met. Last night we set up a day to finally meet in person and he told me that he got me a little present. Am I over-reacting or is he being too pushy. After our coffee date, I could discover that I'm not attracted to him, but I almost feel an obligation to him now because he's invested so much.

SOS!
[Name Redacted]

Dear Mystery Person Who’s Name We Took Out Because Well We Did:

Hmmmmmmm! We want to know what the present is!! If…

A. It’s a funny button or something that eludes to a witty conversation you two had about how you think Ellen Degeneres is a freak and so this button totally reminds him of that, than we say neat! He listens and thinks Ellen Degeneres is a freak, too. You’re made for each other!

B. It’s a “Faces of Death” DVD he got you because you mentioned your great-grandfather died in a tragic tractor / manure accident and there’s a guy in it who also dies (on camera!) in a tragic tractor / manure accident… than… EWWWW and run away!

So, as you can see, we think it entirely depends on the “little gift”. Think of it as one more clue for you to use to determine if he’s a Tom, Dick or Scary. You are over-reacting a bit, in our learned opinion, and he may not be too pushy (again, depends on gift. A box of condoms? Pushy! A flower? Sweet.)

Whatever the little gift is, you are not obligated to either accept it or another date just because he voluntarily spent money on you. You are in charge of your density! Go, date, and be choosy!

Country Mouse/City Mouse

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
This question has a few parts, so I hope I get it right and clear. Anyway, I'm a 24 year old single with a degree and a fairly successful job in The City. However, two years ago I met a guy on an online dating site. He's a Country Boy and a nurse practitioner. We had one date and I ended up moving to Asia for a job. Well, I've been back for some time now and though he lives 2.5 hours away (in the COUNTRY!) I have driven out to see him several times. The first time I went, it was heaven. The
second time he was offish and I was distracted going off to a conference from work and it wasn't so good. I was ready to throw in the towel, but last weekend I went to see him again. The weekend was amazing, he took me out to meet his parents and slowly I'm beginning to think this City Girl might have to learn some Country ways. He said he loves every moment we spend together and that I make him smile. Anyway, the biggest issue is now I keep going to see him and he has yet to come to see me. He tells me he's interested, he's just very busy, and assures me he will come to The City as soon as he can. Still, I know he has some weekends free and still does not come. Do you think it's a sign he's not as serious as I am? But how do I interpret meeting his parents? And how does a City girl turn into a Country girl, or at least how is she sure that living in the Country won't drive her insane? Should I even be worrying about this yet? Anyway, just wondering about your thoughts.
-Sitting in the City

Dear Sitting in the City,
The country has its charms, and we understand the desire to haul yer wagon two and a half hours away for a roll in the hay with a strapping farm boy! However; this rural swain of yorn must know all about courtin’ by now. He may be plowin’ yer field while he’s playin’ the field. Sounds to us like y’all are not exclusive just yet, and if the almanac we’ve been consultin’ is correct, you’d better let him do a might more towards winning your affection. He has got to put in some work, or he just won’t appreciate the relationship as much!

It is lovely that you were able to meet his parents, though that seems to have come about rather quickly. It was a test, we think, to see if you can live up to Mama’s standards before he invests too much into you. Now that you’ve passed said test (we hope!), he ought to be a bit more keen to impress you. Sit tight and let him, no MAKE him, come to you. Country boys and city boys have something in common. They are both hunters at heart. Run away! (OK, no need to go all the way back to Asia) Sit tight in the city until his testicles descend and he becomes brave enough to face the perils of your world for a change. You are worth the chase! If he is not willing to put in a bit of effort to see you, do you really want him all that much?

Do you always want to feel that little nagging in the back of your mind that you tried too hard and he didn’t try hard enough? Both of us babes have been there and done that and it sucks. If he wants you now, he will want you even more if you can manage to be a bit coy. It’s give and take. Sounds like it’s your turn to take for a spell. As to the differences in your upbringing and lifestyle, one of us Babes is married to a bona fide country man. We have certainly experienced our share of culture shock, but have found that our differences can be overcome and even celebrated through diplomacy.

Think of the two of you as being from different countries, and enjoy experiencing his way of life as you share yours with him. If you wind up taking the old “shotgun wedding” route, consider compromising and both move to the suburbs!

How many ways can the BHBs say, "Dump Him"?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Consum-mate.com:
This guy I have been dating for six months always makes it a point that we take turns paying. I don’t mind taking turns, but hate the way he emphasizes it. When it is his turn to pay, he has already planned what we will do on our date. Sometimes I have reasons I can’t go out the day I get paid. When this happens, he will say something like; "you just don’t want to go because it is your turn to pay." This really bothers me. I have told him this, but he continues with the same behavior.

Perhaps what surprised me the most was when my birthday fell on a payday and it was my turn to pay. He asked me if I wanted to go out for sushi for my special day. Guess who paid for the meal? I did.

Is this kind of turn taking normal for couples? One time I jokingly told him that he should learn to treat a woman like a lady once in a while. He suggested that I was materialistic and manipulative. Does this guy need a relationship boot camp or should I just move on?

Dear Beauty with a Beast:

You paid for sushi on your birthday because it was “your turn”? Asking to be treated like a lady is materialistic and manipulative? Hmmm… let’s see if we can put our finger on your problem. Oh, yes. Your boyfriend’s an asshole.

Sharing in payment for dates is not in and of itself a bad thing. Although we do like the double standard of men paying for the first couple of dates at least, after a while it’s lovely for the woman to contribute to the fun filled festivities. And before any man comments on how awful that double standard is, and how if women want equality they should always go dutch… as soon as we make the same amount for the same job you do, then we can re-evaluate our stance. And - our hair costs way more.

Listen to the little voice inside of you. It’s telling you he’s domineering and manipulative about money. What happens when you marry Mr. Douchey? Does he help pay for the baby’s delivery, or not because it wasn’t him who was hospitalized? And have fun itemizing the phone bill so that you pay for your phone calls. In a long-term relationship, money troubles will come and go – do you really want this man on your team for the long haul? We think he only has one team - his own. You deserve a quarterback who will take a sack for you. Tee hee! We said sack.

Maybe the Magic 8 Ball Can Help

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Ask JohnQ.com:
One of my good friends and I recently started dating. We've tried it once before but it didn't work out because neither of us were in the right place. I was apprehensive to say yes again because he has this problem. He tends to get bored with women really quickly, when the thrill of the chase is gone things just fizzle out. He persuaded me by promising that he knew it was different this time. That he's always regretted that things didn't work out between us the first time and that he knows he won't get bored because he feel's differently about me then anyone he's ever gone out with. It's only been about a month now and I feel like things are changing already. He seems to be cooling off and I'll say not as invested as I am. I have feelings for him and I'm just not sure how he feels at this point. Are they're any signs to look for to give me some hints that he's done? I’m just not sure what to do, any opinions?

Dear Do This Don’t Do That:
Sign Sign everywhere a sign, blocking out the scenery breaking your mind. Seems to us that you are already seeing the signs, if you are getting the feeling he is cooling off towards you. Or, you could just be seeing what you always thought you were going to see with this man, and it’s all in your broken head. We’ve said it before, and it bears repeating: Women imagine drama. We think about what we think and then about he might think and then we interpret that and then we discuss it with our friends and then mix it with some rum to make Panic-Coladas. Take a deep breath and back away from the blender!

Maybe he is cooling, maybe he isn’t. Maybe he’s invested a month with you and isn’t trying as hard anymore because men love to be comfortable. After all, flowers and dinner at Chez Snooty turn into Chinese take out and Jet Li movies on DVD alarmingly fast. Try being not-as-available to him for a week or two. Don’t dump him, don’t bring it up and discuss the crap out of it and make him want to shoot himself in the head, just make it not-so-easy to be with you. Does he pursue again, or does he let you get away? It’s a simple experiment to check where you stand.

Cheater Cheater Ex-Wife Eater

Dear BHB's,
I have been separated from my wife for about 8 months now and we are about to be divorced. I had met a very charming and beautiful woman who I very much adore and would like to date and continue to get to know. I had made the mistake of sleeping with my future ex once and she myspaced a message to this other woman letting her know about it. I did tell my then girlfriend that I in fact did sleep with her. It was done as a physical release and not out of any love that I would have for her because I am no longer in love with her.The woman that I was seeing says that she doesn't know if she would allow me to be back in her life again as her boyfriend.Maybe friends,but,she doesn't know about dating me again. My question is this, is there anyway that I can show her that I know the mistake that I've made and that it wont happen again. I really,really like this woman alot and I want so much to see where the relationship could take us.I would do ANYTHING to get back in her good graces and have the chance to be with her again. Could a second chance even be given to me or has that 1 fuck up sealed my chances with her forever on that level?
Regretful Lover

Dear Regretful Don Juan,
We at Brutally Honest Babes are, alas, not perfection personified. We do screw things up once in a while. That being said, we feel justified in mentioning that YOU sure managed to make a big ‘ole f**k up. A double f**k, if you will. We joined forces on this one.

ETHEL: Gee, I wonder why he’s getting a divorce?

LUCY: Gee, I wonder. He’s a CHEATER!

ETHEL: He’s probably emotionally strapped right now and confused. His life seems complex.

LUCY: Sure it’s complex blah de blah de blah. If his ex-girlfriend has any good sense, she won’t take him back right away. He needs to examine why he cheated and be honest and take some steps inside himself.

ETHEL: It sounds to me like he realizes that what he did was wrong.

LUCY: Hell yeah, it was wrong! He’d better understand how awful it was.

ETHEL: I wonder, did he start dating his now Ex-girlfriend when he was still with his now Ex-wife?

LUCY: If he did, then I don’t feel sorry for Ex-girlfriend. Ha ha ha that’s what she gets.

ETHEL: About the whole sex with Ex-wife as merely a “physical release,” hasn’t he ever heard of slapping the salami?

LUCY: If I were Ex-girlfriend, I would be mortally offended by the whole “physical” excuse. I would just think, “Ick, you nasty man. Have you no control over when you drop your own drawers? Say you’re a bit randy and some willing skank walks by . . . "

ETHEL: Maybe Ex-girlfriend wasn’t putting out.

LUCY: Maybe, but that’s no grounds for infidelity. Trust has been broken.

ETHEL: Is there no hope for our Regretful Ex-Cheater Swain?

LUCY: Well, for starters, he should respect her wish to just be friends.

ETHEL: For awhile, anyway. We women are suckers. He may win her over again in time, as long as he can manage to keep his hands and his weenie to himself, and as long as he doesn’t go stalking her.

LUCY: Yes, now is not the moment to come on too strong. He is going to have to prove himself and regain her approval.

ETHEL: Specifically, he needs to limit contact with her and let her start to miss him a little. He shouldn’t ignore her, but he should definitely give her some breathing room. No daily calls, visits, texts, or e-mails. Communication should only be established, say, once every other week for starters. He must let their friendship grow organically according to her mood.

LUCY: And he’d better beware. Us chicas are moody.

ETHEL: He might also try the “all or nothing Grand Gesture approach,” like buying her something mondo expensive and taking her to the finest restaurant and showering her with praise; but it’s a bit of a gamble. If it fails, then he’s really S.O.L.

LUCY: Yeah, he might scare her away for good. Better to take the gradual building of friendship into romance route.

ETHEL: I am reminded of the old adage from The Tortoise and the Hare, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

LUCY: And the bastard better remember this time that “steady” means STEADY!

ETHEL: InSTEAD of acting like a gigolo.

LUCY: Yes, he must learn to be STEADfast.

ETHEL: STEADY as she blows!

LUCY: If he behaves himself, maybe she will! (Ex-girlfriend, that is)

Will You Take That in Pennies?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

GirlShrink.com:
I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship. He isn't my boyfriend, but we have sex. Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed and that in fact I should pay him for sex. One time he made me give him $20! And I did it. How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me? I mean I think I love him.

Dear More Money than Brains:
Wow. This is a cornucopia of personal issuedom! Does you life look like a Dali painting? If you were an M&M, would you be the vomit brown one? Is your name Britney?

Your issues, from the top….

1. “I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship.” Yes. Very Good. 1 Dollar.

2. “Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed…” Then why is he still sleeping with you? There are many girls out there to scar emotionally. This is a mind-fuck to keep you subservient. -1 Dollar.

3. “…and that in fact I should pay him for sex.” If we were assholes who abuse our significant others, we would ask for way more than $20. $20 won’t even cover a movie date when he takes his real girlfriend out. He must not think very highly of himself, hence his psychological torture of you. -20 Dollars.

4. “One time he made me give him $20! And I did it.” He did not “make you” give him the money – he asked and you gave. -20 More Dollars.

5. “How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me?” The simple answer is – leave!! No booty calls, no phone calls, no calls of any kind! The complex answer is – get a therapist. We can point out the obvious, but you already know what you should do, and are unable to do it. – 1 Dollar.

6. “I mean I think I love him.” You do not understand what love is. Get a therapist. Post haste. Please!? -50 Dollars.

Unctuous Woman-Hating Bastard: 20 Dollars.
Hated Woman: -91 Dollars.
Ability to slash his tires a la “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood: Priceless*

* Really, that song is fucking awesome.

I Went to Paralegal School and All I Got Was This Lousy Lover

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Too Real Women:
I work in a law office and made the mistake of sleeping with one of the junior partners. I quickly broke it off when one of the secretaries told me that I wasn’t his first office fling. Problem is one of the female junior partners is telling everyone that I slept with this guy and is giving the impression that we are still together. What should I do, I am only a paralegal, which kinda makes her my boss? Do I wait for it to blow over or do I confront her?

Dear I Lost My Legal Briefs:
They make it look so easy on Boston Legal, don’t they? Those people bed hop like horny toads and no one seems to care.

Tongues will wag I’m afraid. If it wasn’t this junior partner it would be that one and there’s little to be done to stop it. Confront her? Why? It’s out now. Hold your head high, ignore it and do not get in a row about it. Just blame the Mad Cow like Denny Crane does.

Our question to you is… did you really break it off because you weren’t his first office romance? I have a news flash for you… *whispers* once you hit a certain age, almost everyone will have slept with someone else before you. Now, if he screws every paralegal in the tri-city area, then he’s not a keeper. But reconsider dropping anyone based on office hearsay. That’s a fancy name for gossip by the way – the same thing you don’t want others hearing about you.

If you’re really bitchy, start a rumor about the chick who’s talking about you. Something involving goats, beer helmets, and karaoke. Yeah. Karaoke!

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony~I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke . . .

Dear BHB,
I fell in love with a coke addict. As in cocaine, not cola. He was self-assured, ambitious, and really amazing in bed. Now that he has been arrested several times and has been through rehab and is now "clean" he is such a different person--mamby-pampy and a bad kisser. Not at all the same man that I originally loved. What to do? I care about him, but he's really not the same man anymore. I don't love him like I loved the altered him who I thought he really was. Does that make any sense?
Sincerely, Needing a Fix

Dear Fixer Upper,
Whoa. We are glad we are not you. Of course you can't encourage him to embrace his old illegal ways; but whoa, this really sucks for you. Hmmph. How about you do your best to be there for him as a friend, and then go find yourself a hot young Latin lover? Try to find one that's definitely not into substance abuse from the get-go, so you know who and what you are loving from the start.

Be A Cave Woman

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks. I think I really like him and I’d like to see him more often. I called him last night and asked if he’d like to come over. He said, “but I just saw you yesterday.” I don’t want to be clingy, but why can’t we see each other 2 days in row?! I don’t want to play any games, but I don’t want to push him away either. Help!

Dear Static Cling,
Why did YOU call HIM? Blah blah we are modern women blah blah independent and entitled blah blah. Maybe he's Cro-Magnon and proud of it. If you want this man, then let him come to you. His response to your invite is well, less than encouraging. Let him be. Have enough confidence in yourself that you don't need to spend every waking moment begging him to be with you. Desperation is unattractive. Games are fun. Maybe he wants to play. Maybe old fashioned courting is just the thing for you two. Be a cave woman. Let him drag you by the hair back to his rocky crevice for a little pinochle.

Help I Might Have a Nice Date! The Horror!

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
My boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago. It was a hard time and I am doing better. However, a guy recently asked me out and I don’t know if I’m ready to date again yet. Still, he seems cool and I don’t want to miss what could be a great opportunity. Would it be strange to ask him to wait a few weeks? It doesn’t seem good form to mention the Ex. Maybe I should just say “no thanks.” Help!

Dear Once Bitten:
Wethinks you may be over-thinking this. Which women do. A lot. Channel a man... think like him... there... your head is nice and blank... a few thoughts of video games... maybe a universal remote control... a bit of porn.

There’s no need to go into big explanations to anyone about your feelings, especially to a brand new shiny man full of promise. Don’t mention your ex, your gun-shy issues, or anything like that. If you want a few weeks to chill, just make up a big project at work or a vacation coming up or whatever and put him off for a bit, all the while encouraging him subtly from afar.

Or, just go out with him already. He’s asked you for a date - not to set the wedding date! Geesh! Have some coffee! Chat amongst yourselves! See if he’s even worth all this deliberation. Even if he’s only Mr. Right Now… well… right now boys can be very therapeutic (she said with a wink!)