*Sigh* Insert Clever Title About an Asshole Here

DEAR ABBY: "Robert" and I have been married seven years and have two sons, ages 1 and 3. Something is bothering me that didn't before -- Robert's driving. My husband speeds, tailgates, honks his horn to make others go faster and uses racial epithets. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of not trusting him or says I'm looking for something to complain about.

I am concerned for our safety and the impact Robert's behavior has on our sons, not to mention my worry about road rage. If either of our mothers drove with us they would cringe. What can I do? -- ROAD BULLY'S WIFE IN SAN FRANCISCO

Dear I’m Glad You and Your Husband Don’t Live in My City:

We think we may have flicked off your asshole husband at one point or another! The quick but not so easy solution is to stop riding in the car while he drives, or allowing your sons to do so. Immediately. Now, your husband obviously has multiple issues – he’s an angry racist twat for starters. This will cause mucho bad blood we’re sure. But what’s more important, keeping Mr. Rage Pants mollified or your safety? It’s a no-brainer.

Once you make good on your threat to never drive with him, calmly explain to him that you are afraid for your collective safety. Google some accident statistics and show him why speed and tailgating lead to tragedy. Nowadays, even honking at the wrong person could get you shot. Does he get this angry off the road as well? He may need professional help. If he resists changing, then consider that his fits of childish piss and vinegar are more important to him than you are.

As for the racist insults, well, perhaps you want to have a long conversation with yourself about the guy you married and the kind of sons you want to raise.

Unsolicited Advice: The Power of Smug Compels You!

I, Lucy, live in Los Angeles. Land of the La La, and home to the smuggest bitches in the world.

As I currently sit in a Web of Smug, I feel stabby thinking about the smug-and-runners who left me trying to clean off their sticky shame goo. I’m just trying to take a lunch order, ladies. I don’t need your fucking body issues!

Yes, I know you work out daily. I hear you discussing it for about 4 hours a day. I rarely hear you speak of anything else. It’s really interesting to hear all about it, every day. “You know?! I just need to eat Health-eeeeee!!!!!!! I can’t eat that stuff!!!!” OK. “No, thanks, I don’t need to order,” would have sufficed. You just can’t resist the urge to tell me about how wonderful and health-eeeee you are, can you? I’ll just look away when I see you inhale that box of chocolates.

And you, size 0 who sits and eats plates of raw vegetables every day. “I don’t order from restaurants because I gain weight easily.” Yeah. Bitch, I’ve seen you at restaurants, sucking down glass after glass of wine like you breathe through liquor gills. Oh, and you eat too. Bad food. Real food. A “No, thank you,” would have sufficed. I’m not interested in your issues and your pretend distain for restaurants that you go to all the time except for today, when you smugly inform me that you don’t do that.

I can’t keep up with the self-delusional rules, everyone. Things are, or they are not. Look, I’m a person who sometimes eats healthy, and sometimes I vacuum up some pad thai because it’s awesome. But I don’t pretend about it. I don’t smug-and-run the person who is just fucking trying to order lunch.

I don’t want your life story. I think it’s way more boring than mine anyway, since mine involves fun food and great sex.

Will You Take That in Pennies?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

GirlShrink.com:
I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship. He isn't my boyfriend, but we have sex. Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed and that in fact I should pay him for sex. One time he made me give him $20! And I did it. How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me? I mean I think I love him.

Dear More Money than Brains:
Wow. This is a cornucopia of personal issuedom! Does you life look like a Dali painting? If you were an M&M, would you be the vomit brown one? Is your name Britney?

Your issues, from the top….

1. “I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship.” Yes. Very Good. 1 Dollar.

2. “Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed…” Then why is he still sleeping with you? There are many girls out there to scar emotionally. This is a mind-fuck to keep you subservient. -1 Dollar.

3. “…and that in fact I should pay him for sex.” If we were assholes who abuse our significant others, we would ask for way more than $20. $20 won’t even cover a movie date when he takes his real girlfriend out. He must not think very highly of himself, hence his psychological torture of you. -20 Dollars.

4. “One time he made me give him $20! And I did it.” He did not “make you” give him the money – he asked and you gave. -20 More Dollars.

5. “How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me?” The simple answer is – leave!! No booty calls, no phone calls, no calls of any kind! The complex answer is – get a therapist. We can point out the obvious, but you already know what you should do, and are unable to do it. – 1 Dollar.

6. “I mean I think I love him.” You do not understand what love is. Get a therapist. Post haste. Please!? -50 Dollars.

Unctuous Woman-Hating Bastard: 20 Dollars.
Hated Woman: -91 Dollars.
Ability to slash his tires a la “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood: Priceless*

* Really, that song is fucking awesome.

Fetch Your Overlord Some Ale and Quit Yer Bitching!

Dear BHB:
Our company has a big lavish retreat every year that every employee gets to attend with activities, meetings, and lots of food and booze. We're always told that we're a big "family" and that all are equal. The company has grown and these retreats are getting very costly, so, several of the lowest members of the "team" were sort of dis-invited this year, by just sort of never being told about it. It got out (of course) and it was awkward. I am one of those lowly people.

Turns out, that the executives get to bring spouses and children - over 20 kids all-together and 8 spouses (7 times the number of actual employees not going at all). Now, I'm having a hard time swallowing the line that it's a financial reason I don't get to attend company meetings, so that the rich boss' kids can go in my place to play and be fed. Am I right to be bitter?
Love, Bitter Bullshit Smeller

Dear Bullshit Smeller:
It's really all about nomenclature. Perhaps you should re-title yourself "Brown Noser" as it has a more positive connotation. Consider volunteering to pay for your own room and board and offer to accompany the higher ups on this lavish retreat and serve as temp nanny to their many, many children!

When you return from said retreat, you may also want to think about sharing your spare time, free of charge, of course, with your feudal overlords in order that you might make their lives more comfortable by cooking and cleaning for them and wiping their dainty bottoms when necessary. Be sure to save some of their godlike poo for adorning of your nose (even though the lowly appendage on your own serf face be not worthy of such an honor).

If you work very hard and accept your station in life, someday perhaps you may even be chosen to become part of the funeral pyre when your gracious lords expire!

...and Say 10 Hail Marys

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear E. Jean:
I’m only 25, but I’ve been with a lot of men in my young life. I always had trouble committing to one man; however, three years ago, I fell in love and have been faithful to the same guy. We’ve had “girlfriends” (threesomes), but lately we’ve had heated discussions about my “lack of adventure.” He still wants the “girlfriends,” but now he wants me with a “boyfriend.” He won’t sleep with me until I agree to it. Now that I finally want to keep my legs crossed, he doesn’t want me to! Is he actually turned on by the thought of me shagging another guy?—The Nun of Monza

Dear None-too-Good Nun:
The first thing we thought when we read your sad but cheap tale is that your faithful relationship ended the day he brought the first ho home. I don’t know what turns him on, but the sad truth is it isn’t you by yourself. Men, women, whatever – he’s not really changing the rules you both have established and to which you have agreed in the past. However, you have said no this time, and he is not respecting it.

So, in your “committed” relationship you have both cheated on each other (numerous times), he doesn’t respect you, and he gives you ultimatums. He sounds awesome. Just like someone you should fight to keep. (That last was sarcasm, since you seem to lack common sense.) Why do you love such a man? Do you even love him truly, since you screw other women on the side? If you think that giving into his bedroom demands makes him love you, then you are sadly mistaken. He doesn’t respect you – leave him. And next time, respect yourself and command respect from your partner by really committing (i.e. don’t screw around and act like a tawdry slut.)

Dear Someone Else: I think I'll Have Her A-La-Mode!

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

From Pig-Dogs.net: I love my boyfriend of 7 months very much, but how do I continue to put up with his online chatting with other women? He claims that he loves me and wants to marry me, but it is defect in him that he cannot seem to control. He treats me wonderfully otherwise and is everything that I have been looking for. How can we cure him of this?

Dear Cake,
A is always A. Your boyfriend says he loves you and wants to marry you. Your boyfriend chats online with other women (presumably romantically, or else what is the fuss about.) One of these is true. The other is not. If he has romantic chats with other women, on a regular basis, then he does not love you. You think love is an exclusive state. So do we. Yes, married people are not dead – they look sometimes. But chatting/ speaking/ acting on it is a different story. Find a new boyfriend. One who wants only you. You deserve that. Right now you’re the cake he has and he’s out looking for the Marie Callender’s.