April's Fool

Dear Abby: When a person cooks a meal, isn't it also his or her responsibility to do the dishes when the meal is finished? If not, then who should? I think the cook should be responsible. – Boiling Over in St. Louis

Dear Will Not Work for Food:
You must be the recipient of the food, because we can’t believe the cook would write this.

We totally agree with you. They slaved over a hot stove to cook, and their responsibility does not end there. They should dab your face with your napkin as you eat, perhaps even cut your food into bite-size-pieces. After they are finished with the dishes, they should join you in the loo, so that they may easily wipe your ass as you divest yourself of the food they generously prepared. If any bits spilled on your clothes from out your slack-jawed mouth, the cook should immediately skip to the creek so they may wash them and beat them on a fucking rock as they sing “Old Man River”. Why should their job stop at cooking? It’s madness. If they are not burping you after the meal, they are hateful and you should go eat at some other person’s house. Not ours.

* Edited to add: Lucy wrote the above. Ethel pointed out that at a fancy dinner party, the guests should not do the dishes. Lucy totally agrees, but took the tone of the letter as more of a friend at friend's house kind of thing, as Boiling Over didn't say "dinner party". If it's a friends or family kind of thing, we agreed that at least offering to help with the clean-up is the right thing to do. That is all.

You're a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot.

Dear BHBs:
I work in an environment where a person with few skills but large ego has now schmoozed himself into a slightly elevated position over me. I want him to die. Other than actually committing murder, how can I ensure that he will leave me the hell alone? Forever?

Dear Workin’ 9 to 5:
It’s called “Skinny and Sweet”, my dear. Heh heh heh.

Oh wait! You don’t want him to die! Oh. Well that’s less interesting.

Lucy’s dad always says that everyone is promoted to one level past their competency, and it’s usually true. Most of these idiots make up for their lack of skill, interest, brains or wit by being boors. We’re sorry this has happened to you!

We could tell you something like just ignore him, keep doing a good job yourself, you can't control him but you can control how you react to him. Blah blah blah. None of that is fun.

Get something on him. Something provable. Something with a photo. Let him know you have this thing, but will not use it as long as he keeps you out of his douchebag scope. You must keep your own nose clean, however, because if he has pictures of you pilfering the office’s store of White-Out, then this technique will not work. Yes, we know it smells good... but buy your own!

Overlords: 1, Underlings: 0

Dear Cubicle Coach (Marie Claire): I hope this doesn't sound arrogant, but it's hard to take my boss seriously, respect her, or follow her directions — basically because I'm smarter than she is. Thoughts?

Dear Smarty Pants:
Being superior intellects ourselves, we feel you. We feel you in our own lives, and every time Dubya speaks. Lucy’s dad always says that people are promoted to one level beyond their competency, and it’s true.

Although feeling superior is such a nice, fuzzy feeling, it doesn’t really help you. You can’t do anything about your boss’ lack of brainpower. The only thing you can control is what you do and how you feel. Concentrate on your job and doing it well, and stop thinking about how much smarter you are then everyone else. It’s not arrogant so much to know you are smarter, because facts are facts, but to dwell on it and be too smug to do your job, well that’s douchey. Keep doing a great job, and maybe you’ll be her boss someday!

Besides, if we went around thinking about how many IQ points we have on the Leader of the Free World, then our brains might melt.

*Sob!* Why, Oh Why Didn't We Meet You First?

Dear Too Real Women:
My female boss has invited me out for dinner. She says that it is to thank me for landing a big client. I’m a single guy and she has kind of flirted with me in the past. How can I make sure that the dinner is all business, as I don’t want to be dessert?

Dear Mr. Irresistible:
Alas, I’m sure there is nothing whatsoever you can do. You must bed her like the stallion you are! Your clear charm and erotic male-ness leap off the interwebs and into our hearts! We are damp with passion just thinking about you, and we are sure she cannot possibly resist you.

Some might say that her “flirting” with you might just be a nice effort to create a worktime happy place for all that you are possibly misinterpreting, but not us. She’s a little woman, so all she really wants is to land a big client-getter like you, quit the better job she has, and have babies to coo at. I’m sure all the women you encounter are the same.

Do try to let her down easy. We double dog dare you. Open the dinner by clarifying the no-sex ground rules. She’ll love the manly and assertive way you have handled the situation. We promise.

Will You Take That in Pennies?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

GirlShrink.com:
I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship. He isn't my boyfriend, but we have sex. Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed and that in fact I should pay him for sex. One time he made me give him $20! And I did it. How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me? I mean I think I love him.

Dear More Money than Brains:
Wow. This is a cornucopia of personal issuedom! Does you life look like a Dali painting? If you were an M&M, would you be the vomit brown one? Is your name Britney?

Your issues, from the top….

1. “I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship.” Yes. Very Good. 1 Dollar.

2. “Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed…” Then why is he still sleeping with you? There are many girls out there to scar emotionally. This is a mind-fuck to keep you subservient. -1 Dollar.

3. “…and that in fact I should pay him for sex.” If we were assholes who abuse our significant others, we would ask for way more than $20. $20 won’t even cover a movie date when he takes his real girlfriend out. He must not think very highly of himself, hence his psychological torture of you. -20 Dollars.

4. “One time he made me give him $20! And I did it.” He did not “make you” give him the money – he asked and you gave. -20 More Dollars.

5. “How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me?” The simple answer is – leave!! No booty calls, no phone calls, no calls of any kind! The complex answer is – get a therapist. We can point out the obvious, but you already know what you should do, and are unable to do it. – 1 Dollar.

6. “I mean I think I love him.” You do not understand what love is. Get a therapist. Post haste. Please!? -50 Dollars.

Unctuous Woman-Hating Bastard: 20 Dollars.
Hated Woman: -91 Dollars.
Ability to slash his tires a la “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood: Priceless*

* Really, that song is fucking awesome.

Fetch Your Overlord Some Ale and Quit Yer Bitching!

Dear BHB:
Our company has a big lavish retreat every year that every employee gets to attend with activities, meetings, and lots of food and booze. We're always told that we're a big "family" and that all are equal. The company has grown and these retreats are getting very costly, so, several of the lowest members of the "team" were sort of dis-invited this year, by just sort of never being told about it. It got out (of course) and it was awkward. I am one of those lowly people.

Turns out, that the executives get to bring spouses and children - over 20 kids all-together and 8 spouses (7 times the number of actual employees not going at all). Now, I'm having a hard time swallowing the line that it's a financial reason I don't get to attend company meetings, so that the rich boss' kids can go in my place to play and be fed. Am I right to be bitter?
Love, Bitter Bullshit Smeller

Dear Bullshit Smeller:
It's really all about nomenclature. Perhaps you should re-title yourself "Brown Noser" as it has a more positive connotation. Consider volunteering to pay for your own room and board and offer to accompany the higher ups on this lavish retreat and serve as temp nanny to their many, many children!

When you return from said retreat, you may also want to think about sharing your spare time, free of charge, of course, with your feudal overlords in order that you might make their lives more comfortable by cooking and cleaning for them and wiping their dainty bottoms when necessary. Be sure to save some of their godlike poo for adorning of your nose (even though the lowly appendage on your own serf face be not worthy of such an honor).

If you work very hard and accept your station in life, someday perhaps you may even be chosen to become part of the funeral pyre when your gracious lords expire!