Anything You Can do to Draw Attention to Your Mouth is Good

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
i have known this man for six years and there is no doubt there is some kind of attraction between us. i think of him all the time. how can i make myself irresistable to him [sic entire question, geez]

Dear It’s Called Punctuation:
Six Years? Are you stuck in a Jane Austin novel? Oh, goodie! Let’s see… you are poor, but pretty enough and have amazing spirit! He is rich and looks wonderful wet, a la Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. Despair not, sooner or later some improbable confusion will be thrust upon you, and then lifted, as you both discover your unending love!

If you are not actually stuck in an Austen novel, then… six years? Impetuous he is not. We hate to be nay-sayers, but maybe this mutual attraction in is not quite as mutual as you thought.

But for spits and giggles, let’s say there is a torrent of lust in his heart for you. Take a page from the book of Cher from Clueless (a ripping good movie and yet another Austen tale. Is there anything that woman can’t teach us?) Suddenly have some other man. The BHBs thoroughly believe that men want what they cannot have, and they enjoy chasing same. Date someone else casually, and be sure to mention it all the time around Mr. Reckless. Or, do as Cher did and send flowers to yourself, dress sexy and make someone up. Hey, she ended up with her step-brother in the end! That’s… something.

If he still doesn’t come around, then maybe your new casual man could be your torrent of lust. After six years, it sounds like you could really use a torrent of lust.

Mmmmmmm… torrent of lust.

Country Mouse/City Mouse

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
This question has a few parts, so I hope I get it right and clear. Anyway, I'm a 24 year old single with a degree and a fairly successful job in The City. However, two years ago I met a guy on an online dating site. He's a Country Boy and a nurse practitioner. We had one date and I ended up moving to Asia for a job. Well, I've been back for some time now and though he lives 2.5 hours away (in the COUNTRY!) I have driven out to see him several times. The first time I went, it was heaven. The
second time he was offish and I was distracted going off to a conference from work and it wasn't so good. I was ready to throw in the towel, but last weekend I went to see him again. The weekend was amazing, he took me out to meet his parents and slowly I'm beginning to think this City Girl might have to learn some Country ways. He said he loves every moment we spend together and that I make him smile. Anyway, the biggest issue is now I keep going to see him and he has yet to come to see me. He tells me he's interested, he's just very busy, and assures me he will come to The City as soon as he can. Still, I know he has some weekends free and still does not come. Do you think it's a sign he's not as serious as I am? But how do I interpret meeting his parents? And how does a City girl turn into a Country girl, or at least how is she sure that living in the Country won't drive her insane? Should I even be worrying about this yet? Anyway, just wondering about your thoughts.
-Sitting in the City

Dear Sitting in the City,
The country has its charms, and we understand the desire to haul yer wagon two and a half hours away for a roll in the hay with a strapping farm boy! However; this rural swain of yorn must know all about courtin’ by now. He may be plowin’ yer field while he’s playin’ the field. Sounds to us like y’all are not exclusive just yet, and if the almanac we’ve been consultin’ is correct, you’d better let him do a might more towards winning your affection. He has got to put in some work, or he just won’t appreciate the relationship as much!

It is lovely that you were able to meet his parents, though that seems to have come about rather quickly. It was a test, we think, to see if you can live up to Mama’s standards before he invests too much into you. Now that you’ve passed said test (we hope!), he ought to be a bit more keen to impress you. Sit tight and let him, no MAKE him, come to you. Country boys and city boys have something in common. They are both hunters at heart. Run away! (OK, no need to go all the way back to Asia) Sit tight in the city until his testicles descend and he becomes brave enough to face the perils of your world for a change. You are worth the chase! If he is not willing to put in a bit of effort to see you, do you really want him all that much?

Do you always want to feel that little nagging in the back of your mind that you tried too hard and he didn’t try hard enough? Both of us babes have been there and done that and it sucks. If he wants you now, he will want you even more if you can manage to be a bit coy. It’s give and take. Sounds like it’s your turn to take for a spell. As to the differences in your upbringing and lifestyle, one of us Babes is married to a bona fide country man. We have certainly experienced our share of culture shock, but have found that our differences can be overcome and even celebrated through diplomacy.

Think of the two of you as being from different countries, and enjoy experiencing his way of life as you share yours with him. If you wind up taking the old “shotgun wedding” route, consider compromising and both move to the suburbs!

Cheater Cheater Ex-Wife Eater

Dear BHB's,
I have been separated from my wife for about 8 months now and we are about to be divorced. I had met a very charming and beautiful woman who I very much adore and would like to date and continue to get to know. I had made the mistake of sleeping with my future ex once and she myspaced a message to this other woman letting her know about it. I did tell my then girlfriend that I in fact did sleep with her. It was done as a physical release and not out of any love that I would have for her because I am no longer in love with her.The woman that I was seeing says that she doesn't know if she would allow me to be back in her life again as her boyfriend.Maybe friends,but,she doesn't know about dating me again. My question is this, is there anyway that I can show her that I know the mistake that I've made and that it wont happen again. I really,really like this woman alot and I want so much to see where the relationship could take us.I would do ANYTHING to get back in her good graces and have the chance to be with her again. Could a second chance even be given to me or has that 1 fuck up sealed my chances with her forever on that level?
Regretful Lover

Dear Regretful Don Juan,
We at Brutally Honest Babes are, alas, not perfection personified. We do screw things up once in a while. That being said, we feel justified in mentioning that YOU sure managed to make a big ‘ole f**k up. A double f**k, if you will. We joined forces on this one.

ETHEL: Gee, I wonder why he’s getting a divorce?

LUCY: Gee, I wonder. He’s a CHEATER!

ETHEL: He’s probably emotionally strapped right now and confused. His life seems complex.

LUCY: Sure it’s complex blah de blah de blah. If his ex-girlfriend has any good sense, she won’t take him back right away. He needs to examine why he cheated and be honest and take some steps inside himself.

ETHEL: It sounds to me like he realizes that what he did was wrong.

LUCY: Hell yeah, it was wrong! He’d better understand how awful it was.

ETHEL: I wonder, did he start dating his now Ex-girlfriend when he was still with his now Ex-wife?

LUCY: If he did, then I don’t feel sorry for Ex-girlfriend. Ha ha ha that’s what she gets.

ETHEL: About the whole sex with Ex-wife as merely a “physical release,” hasn’t he ever heard of slapping the salami?

LUCY: If I were Ex-girlfriend, I would be mortally offended by the whole “physical” excuse. I would just think, “Ick, you nasty man. Have you no control over when you drop your own drawers? Say you’re a bit randy and some willing skank walks by . . . "

ETHEL: Maybe Ex-girlfriend wasn’t putting out.

LUCY: Maybe, but that’s no grounds for infidelity. Trust has been broken.

ETHEL: Is there no hope for our Regretful Ex-Cheater Swain?

LUCY: Well, for starters, he should respect her wish to just be friends.

ETHEL: For awhile, anyway. We women are suckers. He may win her over again in time, as long as he can manage to keep his hands and his weenie to himself, and as long as he doesn’t go stalking her.

LUCY: Yes, now is not the moment to come on too strong. He is going to have to prove himself and regain her approval.

ETHEL: Specifically, he needs to limit contact with her and let her start to miss him a little. He shouldn’t ignore her, but he should definitely give her some breathing room. No daily calls, visits, texts, or e-mails. Communication should only be established, say, once every other week for starters. He must let their friendship grow organically according to her mood.

LUCY: And he’d better beware. Us chicas are moody.

ETHEL: He might also try the “all or nothing Grand Gesture approach,” like buying her something mondo expensive and taking her to the finest restaurant and showering her with praise; but it’s a bit of a gamble. If it fails, then he’s really S.O.L.

LUCY: Yeah, he might scare her away for good. Better to take the gradual building of friendship into romance route.

ETHEL: I am reminded of the old adage from The Tortoise and the Hare, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

LUCY: And the bastard better remember this time that “steady” means STEADY!

ETHEL: InSTEAD of acting like a gigolo.

LUCY: Yes, he must learn to be STEADfast.

ETHEL: STEADY as she blows!

LUCY: If he behaves himself, maybe she will! (Ex-girlfriend, that is)

Will You Take That in Pennies?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

GirlShrink.com:
I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship. He isn't my boyfriend, but we have sex. Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed and that in fact I should pay him for sex. One time he made me give him $20! And I did it. How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me? I mean I think I love him.

Dear More Money than Brains:
Wow. This is a cornucopia of personal issuedom! Does you life look like a Dali painting? If you were an M&M, would you be the vomit brown one? Is your name Britney?

Your issues, from the top….

1. “I'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship.” Yes. Very Good. 1 Dollar.

2. “Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed…” Then why is he still sleeping with you? There are many girls out there to scar emotionally. This is a mind-fuck to keep you subservient. -1 Dollar.

3. “…and that in fact I should pay him for sex.” If we were assholes who abuse our significant others, we would ask for way more than $20. $20 won’t even cover a movie date when he takes his real girlfriend out. He must not think very highly of himself, hence his psychological torture of you. -20 Dollars.

4. “One time he made me give him $20! And I did it.” He did not “make you” give him the money – he asked and you gave. -20 More Dollars.

5. “How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me?” The simple answer is – leave!! No booty calls, no phone calls, no calls of any kind! The complex answer is – get a therapist. We can point out the obvious, but you already know what you should do, and are unable to do it. – 1 Dollar.

6. “I mean I think I love him.” You do not understand what love is. Get a therapist. Post haste. Please!? -50 Dollars.

Unctuous Woman-Hating Bastard: 20 Dollars.
Hated Woman: -91 Dollars.
Ability to slash his tires a la “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood: Priceless*

* Really, that song is fucking awesome.

You Can't Teach an Old Bag New Tricks

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

From AskJohnQ.com: A single mother who has 26 year old, a 21 year old and a 17 year old girls has had sex with her 21 year old daughter ex-boyfriend who is 23 years old, now he is trying to hook up with her 26 year old, she does not want him to hook up with her daughter but does not know how to keep him away from her family. They do not know that this affair happened with the mom and the daughters ex boyfriend and he has remained a friend of the families. Should she tell her 26 year old about the affair?

Dear Mom who has Written into Public Advice Column “Anonymously”:
Hold on – I need to read all that again. Um Hmm… Skanky Mom… Skanky Dude… Daughters in desperate need of therapy. Got it! If I were on the Jerry Springer set I might throw a chair at the Mom and holler, “What about the children? Won’t someone please think of the children??!” Does that answer your question?

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony~I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke . . .

Dear BHB,
I fell in love with a coke addict. As in cocaine, not cola. He was self-assured, ambitious, and really amazing in bed. Now that he has been arrested several times and has been through rehab and is now "clean" he is such a different person--mamby-pampy and a bad kisser. Not at all the same man that I originally loved. What to do? I care about him, but he's really not the same man anymore. I don't love him like I loved the altered him who I thought he really was. Does that make any sense?
Sincerely, Needing a Fix

Dear Fixer Upper,
Whoa. We are glad we are not you. Of course you can't encourage him to embrace his old illegal ways; but whoa, this really sucks for you. Hmmph. How about you do your best to be there for him as a friend, and then go find yourself a hot young Latin lover? Try to find one that's definitely not into substance abuse from the get-go, so you know who and what you are loving from the start.

By Hook or by Crook

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

From AskJohnQ.com:

I'm a 30 year old stripper and people think I'm too old. I'm also a hooker!! should i stay with my well-moneyed job or find a new one. I'm RICH okay so you know if i quit my job then i might not be able to pay my bills. -Help-

Dear Richer Than Us (Damn Why Didn’t We Become Strippers?!):

Our questions for you are these: Do you think you are too old to strip and hook? (Is “hook” the verb for “hooker”?) Do you enjoy making your money this way? It sounds like you enjoy the hookery as you used two exclamation points. And it makes you RICH. RICH is awesome.

If you don’t like it/ think you’re too old, than transition into a new career level. Perhaps Madam? The money might be better! We are sure it’s rather hard to just go to accountant school after making mad money hooking and stripping, but if you like math, then maybe a new job is in order. If you are thinking it might be time to not be a slut for a living, then maybe try to meet a rich man whilst stripping and trick him into marrying you. Then your nouveau riche lifestyle can wash away the hollow sadness from the past.

…And who are these people from whom you seek career advice? Johns? Other hookers and strippers? Screw them. (Get it? Johns – screw them! HA!) Let the market decide when you quit. If you still enjoy what you do (and please, think about that), then do it! When you can’t pay your rent in one dollar bills anymore, then it’s time to stop.

P.S. We sort-of think that this isn’t a real question. But maybe it is. We BHBs strongly encourage all hookers and strippers to write in, as it’s totally fun to think of all the fun ways to use derivatives of “hook” in a sentence.

P.P.S. We are against hooking as a profession in general, as it would be nice if all women could be employed in a dignified fashion. Many women (and children, good Lord) are forced against their will or out of desperation into this life, and it saddens us.

...and Say 10 Hail Marys

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we sometimes take advice questions from other sites and answer them. Better. Below is an example.

Dear E. Jean:
I’m only 25, but I’ve been with a lot of men in my young life. I always had trouble committing to one man; however, three years ago, I fell in love and have been faithful to the same guy. We’ve had “girlfriends” (threesomes), but lately we’ve had heated discussions about my “lack of adventure.” He still wants the “girlfriends,” but now he wants me with a “boyfriend.” He won’t sleep with me until I agree to it. Now that I finally want to keep my legs crossed, he doesn’t want me to! Is he actually turned on by the thought of me shagging another guy?—The Nun of Monza

Dear None-too-Good Nun:
The first thing we thought when we read your sad but cheap tale is that your faithful relationship ended the day he brought the first ho home. I don’t know what turns him on, but the sad truth is it isn’t you by yourself. Men, women, whatever – he’s not really changing the rules you both have established and to which you have agreed in the past. However, you have said no this time, and he is not respecting it.

So, in your “committed” relationship you have both cheated on each other (numerous times), he doesn’t respect you, and he gives you ultimatums. He sounds awesome. Just like someone you should fight to keep. (That last was sarcasm, since you seem to lack common sense.) Why do you love such a man? Do you even love him truly, since you screw other women on the side? If you think that giving into his bedroom demands makes him love you, then you are sadly mistaken. He doesn’t respect you – leave him. And next time, respect yourself and command respect from your partner by really committing (i.e. don’t screw around and act like a tawdry slut.)

Mission Statement: No More Missionary Position

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I just turned 21 and I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for a year. I really love him, but we’re having a little trouble in the bedroom. He always wants to be on top. I wouldn’t mind it some of the time or even most of the time, but I’d like to try a different position we’re so young and I’m already getting bored with our sex life. How do I talk to him about this without hurting his feelings?

Dear the Young and the Restless,
Introduce him to an attractive older and sexually experienced woman (a la “Mrs. Robinson”) and let her sleep with him a few times to teach him the ways of pleasure, and then take him back and reap the rewards of her labor. OR, just have a heart to heart with him before your next pee-pee to pee-pee. Bear in mind that you must be tactful in the presentation of your desires. Men, surprisingly enough, have feelings; and you certainly are more apt to get what you want if you don’t hurt his. Likely, he’s just having such a good time being a missionary that he assumes you’re having a good time too. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? Try making a fun suggestion (but time it right, don’t bring it up during or immediately after sex or he’ll likely feel emasculated) that you alternate who gets to choose the position. Plop an illustrated Kama Sutra on the middle of the bed and do some light reading together. We also highly recommend the Clan of the Cave Bear series by Jean M. Auel. Those cave people really knew how to swing.

The Demi/Ashton Dilemma

Dear Brutally Honest Babes:
I’m almost 40 and recently met a man who is 29. We really connect, but he’s is 11 years younger than I am. I know a lot of older men date younger women, but I’m not sure about getting into a relationship with someone who will be 50 when I’m 60!

Dear No Spring Chicken with Young Cock,
If you want the guy, have him. See where it goes. You cannot know how you will feel about one another 10 years from now, so we say relish the moment in which you live. Yes, a lot of men date younger women~much younger women (look at Playboy Hugh); and a lot of women date younger men and it can work. Why ever not? Every relationship has good parts and not so good. We think the younger man's parts will prove to be part of the good! Hey, to hell with Viagra.

Dear Someone Else: Who Knew Condoms Prevent Herpes?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear GirlShrink,
After 2 years of friendship, I started dating a guy I really, really like. However, after our first sexual encounter, I contracted herpes from him. I was / am on the pill, he wore / wears condoms. I noticed nothing strange on his body. I can honestly say, we did everything right. We got through it, physically and emotionally, and after much discussion with each other and our doctors, I realize he did not give me an std consciously. My question is, can / should the relationship survive? We are both at a time and place in our life where we are looking to settle down and get serious. However, part of me can't seem to get over the fact that this virus will be with me forever and he's the one who gave it to me. What do you think?

Dear Why on Earth Didn't You Use a Condom, Idiot:
Why, oh why, do women do this? Just because he says he's clean or he "looks clean" that does not mean he is clean! Golly gee, I don't see the AIDS - it must not be there! Dipshit. There's only one way to guarantee a clean bill of health - make him show it to you! If he doesn't care enough to take a needle for you, he doesn't deserve to have you the really fun way a.k.a. sans condom. However, you have the big H now and there's nothing to be done. Might as well stay with him. Pill schmill - you cannot blame him. You are the one who did not take control of your own health and care enough about yourself to prevent this. Have herpes together and be happy. Maybe you can buy the Dynamiclear in bulk!