Unsolicited Advice: Dear Britney Spears

We know, we know. Everyone is talking about Brit. But we’re a new blog trying to get hits, so putting Britney Spears in our posts is sure to increase hit count (Britney Spears naked, Britney Spears meltdown, Britney Spears alien abduction.)

Here at BHB think that Britney is on the right track completely. People seem to want Brit to claim her old career back. As she proved at the VMAs, she doesn’t want her old career back ya’ll! All that singing, recording, rehearsing, blah blah blech! It’s too hard. Paris (Paris Hilton naked, Paris Hilton meltdown, Paris Hilton is an alien) has proved that “work” and “ability” are not necessary for fame. And we think Brit’s Southern-fried performance art is the best thing we’ve ever soon! You can take the ho out of Cracker-ville, but you can’t take Cracker-ville out of the ho. She is both an entertainment and a public service. Fame whoring stage parents the world over can threaten, “Do you want to turn out like Britney Spears?” to their children. Kids in red states who don’t get Sex-Ed classes anymore now know what a hoo-hoo looks like! Don’t turn back now Britney! Keep up the nasty nasty good work.

Dear Someone Else: I Really Need a Life

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Cubicle Coach (Marie Claire),
I feel uncomfortable peeing and primping and what have you in the ladies' room if my supervisor is in there, too. Am I overthinking this, or would you recommend holding it until she clears out?

Dear Leery Pooper,
You are not over thinking this; in fact, you should think about it more. I can’t imagine anything else more important for you to deal with and think about than crapping or applying mascara in vicinity to your boss. The smells! The wands! It’s all so stressful. Although, when I first read your horrific tale of woe, I thought that maybe just peeking into her office to make sure she’s there before you go to the loo might avoid this exasperating situation altogether. But then, what would you think about? Life? Career? Sex? Family? No. It’s good you took the time to write us [er, Marie Claire.] We’re here to help. Hold it, my friend. Hold it and do NOT apply that blush. I’m sure your boss has no idea you fix your hair or pee. Better to keep her thinking that.

Dear Someone Else: Who Knew Condoms Prevent Herpes?

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear GirlShrink,
After 2 years of friendship, I started dating a guy I really, really like. However, after our first sexual encounter, I contracted herpes from him. I was / am on the pill, he wore / wears condoms. I noticed nothing strange on his body. I can honestly say, we did everything right. We got through it, physically and emotionally, and after much discussion with each other and our doctors, I realize he did not give me an std consciously. My question is, can / should the relationship survive? We are both at a time and place in our life where we are looking to settle down and get serious. However, part of me can't seem to get over the fact that this virus will be with me forever and he's the one who gave it to me. What do you think?

Dear Why on Earth Didn't You Use a Condom, Idiot:
Why, oh why, do women do this? Just because he says he's clean or he "looks clean" that does not mean he is clean! Golly gee, I don't see the AIDS - it must not be there! Dipshit. There's only one way to guarantee a clean bill of health - make him show it to you! If he doesn't care enough to take a needle for you, he doesn't deserve to have you the really fun way a.k.a. sans condom. However, you have the big H now and there's nothing to be done. Might as well stay with him. Pill schmill - you cannot blame him. You are the one who did not take control of your own health and care enough about yourself to prevent this. Have herpes together and be happy. Maybe you can buy the Dynamiclear in bulk!

Dear Someone Else: OMG My Friend is, Like, Gonna be Britney Spears!

Here at Brutally Honest Babes, we understand that at first no one has any idea who we are. So, we will take advice questions from other sites and answer the questions. Better. Below is an example.

Dear Mrs. Web, My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good. I 'm afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me. What do I do?

Dear Cart Before Horse,
What about your friend makes you think that she might not remember you? She sounds like a bitch. Don't worry about this issue, as the real world of the music business will probably crush your friend and spit her out upon the casting couch from whence she came. If she does happen to get famous, look past her shallowness and be her equally-shallow entourage-like hanger-on, instead of her manager. That way you don't have to do any work. Start a clothing line with her so that you may profit from her fame and name it something stupid that's a combination of your two names. Then, when you aren't friends anymore due to her cocaine and cheeto filled meltdown at the MTV Movie Awards, write a book about her and appear on Oprah. Resist the temptation to run about underwearless. That's nasty. So stop hating on your friend because she's talented. Instead of going to college and making something intelligent of yourself, you can be a groupie. Doesn't that sound nice?