Thursday, February 7, 2008

Even Yoda Farts

Dear BHBs:
My boyfriend’s dog farts incessantly. It’s gross. He’s a sweet dog, but I can’t stand to spend any time at my boyfriend’s pad because of the stink. I try to encourage my boyfriend to spend more time at my place, or else take me OUT out, but when he wants some sexy time he inSTINKtively wants to drag me back to his cave. How do I keep my boyfriend happy, and keep my nostrils happy too?

Dear We Fart in Your General Direction!:
Wow. We sort of know nothing about dog farts, except that they can peel the paint off walls. But that’s what Al Gore’s internet is for!

Friendly internet strangers with no expertise whatsoever have suggested putting a dessert spoon sized dab of natural plain yogurt in each of his meals. This yogurt acts as a probiotic; yogurt with Lactobacillus Acidophilus is best. Probiotics are dietary supplements containing potentially beneficial bacteria or yeasts. There. Don’t we sound all science-y and stuff?

Seeing as it’s his dog, you have to get him to administer the anti-cut-cheese meds. Which means you get to play every girl’s fun game – make him think it was his idea so he thinks he’s brilliant. Because if you suggest it once, you’re a dog-hating nag. See, men think farts are funny, and they can be surely, sometimes. But they delight in cutting one under the covers and holding you under, for example. So, he will not be as concerned with the issue as you are. Maybe declaring that “fart house” doesn’t make you want to “play house” every time he wants to get busy will hammer the message home that he needs to do something about puppy.

Another suggestion: You could suddenly get a craving for nasty plain yogurt every time you are there, just happen to have some with you, and let doggie lick it off your spoon.

Lastly, other internet strangers suggest a lamb/ rice mix food is better for a sensitive dog tummy and can help control the gas flow. Buy Mr. Stinkerino a bag of this food as a gift because you looove him so much! This will not only help Farty McGhee, but boyfriend will give you mad props for the doggie love.

Really, only a vet can tell you why he farts so much, but the relatively benign ideas above might help without a trip to the vet.

We’ll end our flatulence-filled post with some fun facts on farts! When we googled “facts on farts” we actually found “Facts on Farts” (!) by Brenna Lorenz. Among them:

* Fart sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening!

* On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts!


* The butt is the location of the anus in humans, and by definition, a fart is an anal escape of intestinal gas. We should be grateful that we are not crinoids. The crinoid is a marine creature with a U-shaped gut, and its anus is located next to its mouth.

So, gentle reader, be glad that you are not a crinoid! 'Cause that's nasty.

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