Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A Flaming Bag of Poo Always Helps

Dear BHBs:
What is a nice way of letting two pain-in-the-ass volunteers go while minimizing the risk of backlash? (These are people who are overly critical and don't do much work themselves).

Dear In a Voluntizzy:
We had to tag team such a delicate question. Lucy and Ethel chime in – with help from a very special guest! *Drum Roll Please!* Meet Lucy’s Mom, our first and most loyal reader, when she remembers our URL. She has a particular talent for dealing with interesting volunteers….

Lucy: Well, Ladies! How do we tell two useless, bitchy people to screw off without saying screw off?

Ethel: A flaming bag of poo on their porches?

Lucy: Well, if they are this annoying, they might not know from whom the poo tolls!

Ethel: Indeed.

Lucy’s Mom: The problem with idiot volunteers is that they drive away good ones! All you have to do is look on the faces of the other people and you know.

Lucy: Excellent point, Mum!

Ethel: We can’t let them lose all their good peeps.

Lucy’s Mom: I say just start to cut their hours. Most volunteers have a certain schedule. Call them the day before they are to show up. Tell them that you have a great new volunteer (or two) who can only work at the exact time/ dates they usually do. You’re so sorry, but you must reschedule them. Over time, slowly cut their hours more and more until they leave you or you phase them out completely.

Ethel: Yes! And if they ever ask you about it – deny!

Lucy: Run away!

Ethel: Run away!

Lucy: My first thought was to begin giving them the most horrible jobs you can, isolating the two of them from everyone else.

Ethel: If you’re in an office environment, send them out for coffee or to run all your errands, have them spend an eternity filing or alphabetizing. Have them format boring financial spreadsheets ‘till they can’t see straight.

Lucy: If it’s some kind of people or animal volunteering thing, make them clean the bathrooms or the dumpster, or shovel shit all day! A couple of days of cat vomit will take the spring out of their step!

Ethel: That’s evil.

Lucy: Yes.

Ethel: That’s why I like it!

Lucy’s Mom: You two never change. You’re still like you were as teenagers, except now you have booze.

Lucy: And this is bad how?

Lucy’s Mom: It’s not bad. I like booze, too.

Lucy: Awwwww! I love bonding with Mom over liquor.

Lucy’s Mom: Getting back to the question, dips... you could use the two together – phase out their hours while at the same time filling their remaining time with the most vile tasks.

Ethel: Nice. Well, gentle reader, we hope this helps rid your wonderful organization of assholes.

Lucy: And that you didn’t mind our poopie-filled answer.

Ethel: I still like the flaming bag of poo answer.

Lucy: Why not do that, too?

Ethel: Yes - when you care enough to send the very best!

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