She Was Beautiful, Except for the Hemorrhoids

Gentle Readers, we here at BHBs have been tres lazy again, not posting.

Lucy went to visit Ethel and, well, there was a whole lot more giggling-like-drunk-teenagers-and-reading-crappy-romance-novels than let's-be-serious-and-blog-like-good-girls. We're only human after all.

But we did spend a lot of time brainstorming new ideas for world domination. At least there's that!

Unsolicited Advice: The Power of Smug Compels You!

I, Lucy, live in Los Angeles. Land of the La La, and home to the smuggest bitches in the world.

As I currently sit in a Web of Smug, I feel stabby thinking about the smug-and-runners who left me trying to clean off their sticky shame goo. I’m just trying to take a lunch order, ladies. I don’t need your fucking body issues!

Yes, I know you work out daily. I hear you discussing it for about 4 hours a day. I rarely hear you speak of anything else. It’s really interesting to hear all about it, every day. “You know?! I just need to eat Health-eeeeee!!!!!!! I can’t eat that stuff!!!!” OK. “No, thanks, I don’t need to order,” would have sufficed. You just can’t resist the urge to tell me about how wonderful and health-eeeee you are, can you? I’ll just look away when I see you inhale that box of chocolates.

And you, size 0 who sits and eats plates of raw vegetables every day. “I don’t order from restaurants because I gain weight easily.” Yeah. Bitch, I’ve seen you at restaurants, sucking down glass after glass of wine like you breathe through liquor gills. Oh, and you eat too. Bad food. Real food. A “No, thank you,” would have sufficed. I’m not interested in your issues and your pretend distain for restaurants that you go to all the time except for today, when you smugly inform me that you don’t do that.

I can’t keep up with the self-delusional rules, everyone. Things are, or they are not. Look, I’m a person who sometimes eats healthy, and sometimes I vacuum up some pad thai because it’s awesome. But I don’t pretend about it. I don’t smug-and-run the person who is just fucking trying to order lunch.

I don’t want your life story. I think it’s way more boring than mine anyway, since mine involves fun food and great sex.

Overlords: 1, Underlings: 0

Dear Cubicle Coach (Marie Claire): I hope this doesn't sound arrogant, but it's hard to take my boss seriously, respect her, or follow her directions — basically because I'm smarter than she is. Thoughts?

Dear Smarty Pants:
Being superior intellects ourselves, we feel you. We feel you in our own lives, and every time Dubya speaks. Lucy’s dad always says that people are promoted to one level beyond their competency, and it’s true.

Although feeling superior is such a nice, fuzzy feeling, it doesn’t really help you. You can’t do anything about your boss’ lack of brainpower. The only thing you can control is what you do and how you feel. Concentrate on your job and doing it well, and stop thinking about how much smarter you are then everyone else. It’s not arrogant so much to know you are smarter, because facts are facts, but to dwell on it and be too smug to do your job, well that’s douchey. Keep doing a great job, and maybe you’ll be her boss someday!

Besides, if we went around thinking about how many IQ points we have on the Leader of the Free World, then our brains might melt.

*Sob!* Why, Oh Why Didn't We Meet You First?

Dear Too Real Women:
My female boss has invited me out for dinner. She says that it is to thank me for landing a big client. I’m a single guy and she has kind of flirted with me in the past. How can I make sure that the dinner is all business, as I don’t want to be dessert?

Dear Mr. Irresistible:
Alas, I’m sure there is nothing whatsoever you can do. You must bed her like the stallion you are! Your clear charm and erotic male-ness leap off the interwebs and into our hearts! We are damp with passion just thinking about you, and we are sure she cannot possibly resist you.

Some might say that her “flirting” with you might just be a nice effort to create a worktime happy place for all that you are possibly misinterpreting, but not us. She’s a little woman, so all she really wants is to land a big client-getter like you, quit the better job she has, and have babies to coo at. I’m sure all the women you encounter are the same.

Do try to let her down easy. We double dog dare you. Open the dinner by clarifying the no-sex ground rules. She’ll love the manly and assertive way you have handled the situation. We promise.

An engagement ring on the first date? Pushy!

Dear BHBs:
I just started to date on the internet. I've been texting and talking on the phone with someone for a few weeks. He seems very nice. He texted me on Christmas and New Year's with very sweet message, but I felt a little pressured since we haven't met. Last night we set up a day to finally meet in person and he told me that he got me a little present. Am I over-reacting or is he being too pushy. After our coffee date, I could discover that I'm not attracted to him, but I almost feel an obligation to him now because he's invested so much.

SOS!
[Name Redacted]

Dear Mystery Person Who’s Name We Took Out Because Well We Did:

Hmmmmmmm! We want to know what the present is!! If…

A. It’s a funny button or something that eludes to a witty conversation you two had about how you think Ellen Degeneres is a freak and so this button totally reminds him of that, than we say neat! He listens and thinks Ellen Degeneres is a freak, too. You’re made for each other!

B. It’s a “Faces of Death” DVD he got you because you mentioned your great-grandfather died in a tragic tractor / manure accident and there’s a guy in it who also dies (on camera!) in a tragic tractor / manure accident… than… EWWWW and run away!

So, as you can see, we think it entirely depends on the “little gift”. Think of it as one more clue for you to use to determine if he’s a Tom, Dick or Scary. You are over-reacting a bit, in our learned opinion, and he may not be too pushy (again, depends on gift. A box of condoms? Pushy! A flower? Sweet.)

Whatever the little gift is, you are not obligated to either accept it or another date just because he voluntarily spent money on you. You are in charge of your density! Go, date, and be choosy!

Bitch Slap of Common Sense!

To ring in the New Year, here at Brutally Honest Babes we are going to inaugurate a new feature: the Bitch Slap of Common Sense. Upon reading a Bitch Slap of Common Sense post, the question asker is directed to slap their forehead hard and examine why they do not have the sense the Good Lord gave them. Slap may be administered by a friend as well. We encourage that.

From Ask JohnQ.com: We have a lady in our church that is always fanning herself the problem is she does not realize that as she is doing this she is also fanning the people sitting around her. One day my wife's arm was ice cold from this lady fanning herself. I feel sorry for her that she is always so hot but how can I politely tell her that she is making other people cold with her fanning? I don't want to hurt her feelings but she does sit near us quite often and the cold wind is very uncomfortable. Please help.

Dear You Can Hear The Fanning Wind In-Between Your Ears, Can’t You?

Sit somewhere else.

Unsolicited Advice: Babes Don’t Let Babes Look Stumpy

As Old Man ’07 sputters in his hospital bed and increases his morphine drip, we beseech both you faithful readers to let certain trends die right along with him. It seems silly to have to point this out, but women should enjoy making themselves look pretty. However, as we see whenever we leave our Brutally Honest House every day, this simply isn’t so. Let us embrace 2008 as the Year of Pretty and forget these shameful examples of 2007’s ugly overload.

DIE DIE DIE trend #1: Unless you are Russell Crowe, just say no!

Gladiator sandals are a no. They are flat, make the leg look stumpy, and are fugly fugly no matter how many cute dresses you pair them with.

Is a striped tan something you really need? Did you think to yourself, “What this outfit needs is more Manliness!” when you got dressed this morning? We thought not.

Don’t do it ladies. Repeat after us, “What this outfit needs is some cute baby-doll heels to accentuate my butt and elongate my leg!”

Doesn’t that feel good?

DIE DIE DIE trend #2: You can’t spell Uggly without Ugg.

We don’t even want to hear the C word. There are many comfortable shoes – trainers, flats, kitten heels to name a few. There is no reason on God’s Holy Beautiful Earth to put on pair of Uggs.

They do not look cute with anything. No, not anything. We hear you thinking, “But they look cute with my…” NO! No No No! They do not look cute with anything! You look stumpy in them, no matter how long your legs are. If your legs are short, just turn around and go home because you now resemble a waddling daschund.

UGLY! STUMPY!! UGGGGGGG!!! OK… must… calm… down.

Really. The BHBs have your best interests at heart. Throw away the Uggs.

PS: This is your first and only warning. If we ever see you in pajama pants and Uggs, we may hit you. It’s a reflex - one we don’t care to try and stop.

DIE DIE DIE trend #3: Leggings make us stabby.

Many great things came out of the 1980s.

The Golden Girls.
Margaret Thatcher.
The Pet Shop Boys.

Many terrible things were spawned in the 1980s.

The Le Car.
Chernobyl.
And Leggings.

We hate leggings with an unholy fury normally only reserved for Hitler and asshole ex-boyfriends. They are not pants. They should not go under dresses. See all the ranting about stumpiness above and substitute “leggings” for “Uggs”.

Do any of you think this is attractive? Even the model looks bad in them. They create camel toe. Many times, they have nasty cheap lace at the bottom. They are not pants! They are evil and ugly and they died once, to the relief of all mankind. And they lead to tragedy…

...we actually saw stirrup pants in a copy of Vogue.

NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

You wouldn’t embrace any life advice Lindsay Lohan might give you, would you? Then don’t dress like her either! BURN THE LEGGINGS!

We hope these friendly and only slightly vehement fashion tips have helped you to see the light. Be kind to your bottom half – embrace the pretty in 2008!

But I Usually Have Such Good Luck with Online Psychics!

From Ask JohnQ.com: I recently consulted this online psychic and she told me that to solve a problem I would need to give a deposit of $1000 dollars and I would get it back in three days and return she sent me these crystals. Its been 2 weeks and I haven’t gotten my deposit back and cannot get in touch with her as she does not answer her phone. The money was transferred through western union and there was no receipt. I know this might be difficult but is there anyway that I could get my money back?

Dear I Hope You Like Your New $1000 Psychic Crystals:
*Ahem* We didn’t want to mention it right away in our advice column, but we here at Brutally Honest Babes are also Pcertified Psychics ©. We work for cheap wine, vintage clothes and Big Macs. We’re certain you have already sent your payment, so we’ll get right to it.

We don’t have a crystal ball, but Ethel has a dream book we like. Your personal troubles stem from a complete lack of common sense and possibly a chronic case of Pstupdity ©. You should invest your next $1000 in a shrink to help in problem solving, or possibly a therapeutic shopping trip involving Cynthia Rowley dresses and a shiny new Rabbit Pearl. You already know you’ve been taken. File a police report – bring all e-mail communication, Western Union account information, etc. to the police when you file. There’s a tiny minuscule chance they will catch this person, but in reality you should kiss your money goodbye. Damn online psychics ain’t what they used to be. Except for us, of course.

The moral of the story is – DON’T SEND $1000 TO A STRANGER OVER THE INTERNET. Sorry about the yelling – but you brought it on yourself.

Wow. We got through that without calling you a dumb shit once! Yay us.

Country Mouse/City Mouse

Dear Brutally Honest Babes,
This question has a few parts, so I hope I get it right and clear. Anyway, I'm a 24 year old single with a degree and a fairly successful job in The City. However, two years ago I met a guy on an online dating site. He's a Country Boy and a nurse practitioner. We had one date and I ended up moving to Asia for a job. Well, I've been back for some time now and though he lives 2.5 hours away (in the COUNTRY!) I have driven out to see him several times. The first time I went, it was heaven. The
second time he was offish and I was distracted going off to a conference from work and it wasn't so good. I was ready to throw in the towel, but last weekend I went to see him again. The weekend was amazing, he took me out to meet his parents and slowly I'm beginning to think this City Girl might have to learn some Country ways. He said he loves every moment we spend together and that I make him smile. Anyway, the biggest issue is now I keep going to see him and he has yet to come to see me. He tells me he's interested, he's just very busy, and assures me he will come to The City as soon as he can. Still, I know he has some weekends free and still does not come. Do you think it's a sign he's not as serious as I am? But how do I interpret meeting his parents? And how does a City girl turn into a Country girl, or at least how is she sure that living in the Country won't drive her insane? Should I even be worrying about this yet? Anyway, just wondering about your thoughts.
-Sitting in the City

Dear Sitting in the City,
The country has its charms, and we understand the desire to haul yer wagon two and a half hours away for a roll in the hay with a strapping farm boy! However; this rural swain of yorn must know all about courtin’ by now. He may be plowin’ yer field while he’s playin’ the field. Sounds to us like y’all are not exclusive just yet, and if the almanac we’ve been consultin’ is correct, you’d better let him do a might more towards winning your affection. He has got to put in some work, or he just won’t appreciate the relationship as much!

It is lovely that you were able to meet his parents, though that seems to have come about rather quickly. It was a test, we think, to see if you can live up to Mama’s standards before he invests too much into you. Now that you’ve passed said test (we hope!), he ought to be a bit more keen to impress you. Sit tight and let him, no MAKE him, come to you. Country boys and city boys have something in common. They are both hunters at heart. Run away! (OK, no need to go all the way back to Asia) Sit tight in the city until his testicles descend and he becomes brave enough to face the perils of your world for a change. You are worth the chase! If he is not willing to put in a bit of effort to see you, do you really want him all that much?

Do you always want to feel that little nagging in the back of your mind that you tried too hard and he didn’t try hard enough? Both of us babes have been there and done that and it sucks. If he wants you now, he will want you even more if you can manage to be a bit coy. It’s give and take. Sounds like it’s your turn to take for a spell. As to the differences in your upbringing and lifestyle, one of us Babes is married to a bona fide country man. We have certainly experienced our share of culture shock, but have found that our differences can be overcome and even celebrated through diplomacy.

Think of the two of you as being from different countries, and enjoy experiencing his way of life as you share yours with him. If you wind up taking the old “shotgun wedding” route, consider compromising and both move to the suburbs!

Even the Snarky Require Rest

The BHBs have been on a small vacation, Dears. We have questions in store and many goodly things! We'll be back....