Don't Be a Fool When You're Foolin' Around

Dear Experts at Glamour:
How do you ask your partner to have a STD check-up?

Dear STD TBD:
We suggest that you do not ASK your partner to have an STD check-up, but rather TELL them no more nookie until they do! How simple is that? You might also volunteer to have a check-up done at the same time, not only to encourage your partner; but also because if they have the Clap then very likely you'll also be hearing the sound of applause. Sex is fun, until somebody loses an eye. Or something.

Anything You Can do to Draw Attention to Your Mouth is Good

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
i have known this man for six years and there is no doubt there is some kind of attraction between us. i think of him all the time. how can i make myself irresistable to him [sic entire question, geez]

Dear It’s Called Punctuation:
Six Years? Are you stuck in a Jane Austin novel? Oh, goodie! Let’s see… you are poor, but pretty enough and have amazing spirit! He is rich and looks wonderful wet, a la Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. Despair not, sooner or later some improbable confusion will be thrust upon you, and then lifted, as you both discover your unending love!

If you are not actually stuck in an Austen novel, then… six years? Impetuous he is not. We hate to be nay-sayers, but maybe this mutual attraction in is not quite as mutual as you thought.

But for spits and giggles, let’s say there is a torrent of lust in his heart for you. Take a page from the book of Cher from Clueless (a ripping good movie and yet another Austen tale. Is there anything that woman can’t teach us?) Suddenly have some other man. The BHBs thoroughly believe that men want what they cannot have, and they enjoy chasing same. Date someone else casually, and be sure to mention it all the time around Mr. Reckless. Or, do as Cher did and send flowers to yourself, dress sexy and make someone up. Hey, she ended up with her step-brother in the end! That’s… something.

If he still doesn’t come around, then maybe your new casual man could be your torrent of lust. After six years, it sounds like you could really use a torrent of lust.

Mmmmmmm… torrent of lust.

The Icing on the Cake

Dear BHB's:
This is not a question really, merely a statement: "Thank you." Your blog, "Let Them Eat Cake" was in response to my question. It made me laugh, and helped me to let go of the situation. And guess what? My ungrateful relative finally, finally sent me a brief thank you e-mail for the work I did for them. I feel vindicated. Good timing too, actually. I had just gone to the grocery store for a box of Betty Crocker! There is birthday coming up in my family, and I get to be the cake baker. Muhahahahahahaha! OK, just kidding. All is well. Anyway, just thought I should practice what I preach and say thanks to you Babes, too.
Used But at Least Psedo-Appreciated

Dear Cake Baker,
As they say in polite society, "You're Welcome!"

All's Fair in Love and Whore

Dear BHBs:
I have the hots for a guy. He and I are just friends at this point, but he flirts with me. He just started dating someone else, so it's not serious yet. I want to steal him away from her. How do I make him my friend with benefits?
Hot to Trot

Dear Hot to Tart:
We suppose you have to figure out what you really want out of this. If he be not married, then TECHNICALLY he's still fair game. However, there are feelings to be considered on three accounts: yours, his, and his new pseudo-girlfriend's. Are they steady? Is he free to date others at this point? Do you want him as a real boyfriend, or simply for the random booty call?

You say he is not serious with the new gal just yet. If that is the case, then we believe you may without guilt continue to flirt and be mysterious and sexy and taunt him until he must hunt you down and make you his woman. If he is somebody's boyfriend, then leave him be! OK, so maybe he's not married; but do you really want to be the "other woman"? Ethel has certainly been there and done that on several occasions and it is really not fun. As the "other woman" you may experience a brief euphoria of power, but that quickly fades as you realize that you cannot really have what you want from your lover. He will be divided in his affections, and so too will you, as you will both love and hate yourself. Then, of course, you will have always that nagging realization (should you actually manage to steal him away from his girlfriend) that you know he is a cheater (and so are you) and that neither of you can really ever trust one another. Ethel's been there and done that too. It is yucky.

As to making him your "friend with benefits," that is very simple. Just invite him over to your pad and have sex with him. Even if you are lousy in bed, few men would say "no" to free and easy sex. Just don't expect a relationship. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

We're Sorry Sweetie - Here's a Wipe.

Dear TheAnswerMan.com:
My boyfriend told me that he thinks he is becoming more mature because before he used to want a good looking girlfriend but now that is not so important to him. Personality is more important for him now. Then he told me I wasn't so good looking - about 6 or 7 out of 10. But he said he really likes my personality. How should I feel?

Dear 7 of 10:
We think you should feel depressed about dating a douchebag.

Let us elaborate. Yes, it is more mature to judge an entire person rather than just by a pretty face or nice pair of tits. Announcing it, however, is douchey. We’re sorry you got covered in his nasty, sticky self-congratulatory goo. Don’t just sit there with it all over your face! Here's a towel.

There are few perfect 10s in the world, and even they are completely in the eye of the beholder! Lucy likes Manly Men and Ethel likes Pretty Boys, and who is to say which is wrong or right? Your boy thinks you are a 6 or 7. Another might think you are a 9. The more you get to know and love someone, their out-of-10 points go up accordingly.

It’s up to you whether or not you want to stick with Mister Mature. From our end, it sounds like his personality points are headed South fast. Feel proud that you have that great personality (because it is more important), and think about whether you want a boy who rates you a "6 or 7" and clinically spews goo on you wrapped in a faux compliment. We are anti-goo.

Lost in Translation

What makes you think your so great to think you can solve peoples problems anyway?

We have mastered the basics of grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Oh, please allow us to translate for you, “We knows real good how too rite stuff and peoples got problems and your write we are grate.”

Let Them Eat Cake

Dear BHBs:
I recently did a favor to help a relative, spending several hours helping them out on something they had to write. I didn't mind doing it at all. I e-mailed it off to them and after a week have heard nothing back. Not anything saying they got it, or a thank you or anything. I wrote to them, asking if they at least got what I sent (and what I worked so hard on), and once again have heard nothing. Am I a mean person to feel annoyed that I didn't at least get a thanks for helping, even if they hated what I did?
Signed, Used (and Abused)?

Dear Used (and Abused):
We are reminded forcibly of the tale of Chloe the slave at the Myrtles Plantation. Chloe was a house servant purportedly forced into sexual relations with the master. But did the Master appreciate Chloe? Apparently not. He dumped her for another slave and had Chloe’s ear chopped off. That’s gratitude for you. Chloe began sporting a turban to hide her injury. Oh, but there’s more! Because she feared that she would be sent out of the house and made to work in the fields, and perhaps because she just wanted to be appreciated, she concocted a scheme to prove just how valuable a house servant she was. She baked a cake for the Master’s little girls and added a special secret ingredient--poisonous Oleander leaves. It seems Chloe may have intended to make the kiddies ill in order that she might nurse them back to health again (since she knew the remedy for the Oleander), thereby proving her worth as a house servant and finally being APPRECIATED! Oops. Too much Oleander. Bugger. The little girls and the Master’s wife died. Ouch. Chloe got lynched. The end. And to think, if only someone had treated Chloe with a little respect there may have been a slightly happier ending to the story. OK, maybe not that happy, since slavery totally sucks. Sounds to us like you are being treated in a servile fashion; however, unlike poor Chloe, you are free to do something about it. We suggest simply enough, that you do not volunteer your time or services to the ungrateful parties ever again. Period. Do not expect a “thank you” from them for your past efforts, just accept that you cannot force someone to have good manners--and let it go. And bake them a cake. Yes, a cake would be just the thing.

The Keywords to Our Hearts

Dear Readers:

Thanks for reading the Brutally Honest Babes! We give you mucho mucho love on this V-day!

We also have love for our keywords – random searches put into the internets which somehow lead readers to us (or page hits at least). (* Shout-out to Bonnie Gillespie, who first showed her readers the fun search phrases which lead to her site. We’re totally stealing your idea, but at least we said thanks!)

Top Keyword Searches Leading to Brutally Honest Babes:

1. Slutty Gowns
HA! This entry inspired us to write this post. Dare we hope several young women who typed this into the Googles might read our post against slutty gowns and decide to search for “Classy Gowns” instead? Dare… Dare!

2. Wife Eater
We can only hope this is some fun allusion to oral sex, in which we are thoroughly in-favor, as opposed to some nasty “I ate her kidney with some fava beans and a nice chianti” search.

3. Babes in Leggings
This is an oxymoron, as no one is a babe in leggings.

4. Honest Babes
The only true babes are honest ones, wethinks.

5. Brutally Honest Babes
You know our name! Squee!

6. Mr. Irresistible Erotic Story
Um… we wanna know what page they were hoping for, so we can go there, too.

7. Babes.be\
Hmmm.

8. Sexy Honest Babes
Oh, stop! You’re making us blush!

9. Fugly Prom Dresses
Perhaps some fashion student writing a “How to Get Bai Ling to Buy Your Dress” paper?

10. Babes Look
Another Hmmm. Kinda a crappy one on which to end.

We’ll add a bonus, just to end on a fun note.

Bonus: “lucy a lot like ethel but without the camel toe”

If that doesn’t make you smile, there’s something wrong with you.

One Fish, Two Fish, Raw Fish, Ew, Fish!

Dear BHBs:
I hate fish. I have been invited to a chic private party catered by a fairly well known Sushi chef. Other than rice and dessert, I don’t know what I’m going to eat; or how to make it look like I am enjoying the Sushi without being rude by barfing accidentally into a potted plant. I have to attend this party. My job depends on it. I also have to look moderately cool, because all the cool people eat Sushi.

Dear Crabby Roll:
This is clearly a case of fake it to make it. If it’s a sit-down dinner party, we think you are in deep doo-doo, because there is little chance you can not eat. In that event, you either need to put on your big-girl panties and suck it (i.e. the fish) up or boldly state your new-found vegetarianism to weasel out. But then you have to be a veggie in public forever. Your choice.

If it’s more of a mingling thing, try this strategy:

1. Eat before you get there, so you are not starving.

2. Take a cocktail early, and hang onto it or one like it all night so you have something in your hands.

3. Take a piece of sushi occasionally (always a piece of Nigiri-sushi, slices of fish on pads of rice), but talk a lot so you can just hold it attractively.

4. When you must eat so as to not appear weird, put the food (on a napkin) up to your mouth and eat only the rice while rolling the fish surreptitiously in the napkin. Dump the napkin at the first opportunity.

5. If they have California rolls (i.e. rolls with veggies or cooked fish), eat those often.

You should be able to make it through the night this way. If you wear a smashing dress with lots of cleavage, perhaps this can distract onlookers.

Do not barf in a plant. Do it in the bathroom after dinner like all the other cool girls.

Once a Zbornak, Always a Zbornak

Dear BHBs:
My sister’s ex-boyfriend (they’ve been broken up for 3 years now) has the hots for me. He just got a job next door to my office, and occasionally I run into him on lunch break. He has asked me out twice now, and twice I have come up with lame excuses. He’s really cute, and I think we even have a little chemistry. I want to go out with him, but am afraid of causing “bad blood” between me and my sis. Should I go for it?

Dear Shady Sister:
Whether they broke up three years or one tearful month ago, the ex is off limits. She is your sister, and that’s just too important a bond to break.

When Dorothy Zbornak’s sister Gloria slept with her loser ex-husband Stan, Dorothy was understandably enraged, hurling insightful insults as only Bea Arthur can. We know this because we totally watch The Golden Girls every night at 10pm. (What, you don’t?) Stan is the bald, aging, novelty-salesman loser to end all losers, but he was still Dorothy’s ex, and Gloria should have kept her hands off. She realized this at the end, and the sisters had a heartwarming moment during a hurricane. Also during that episode, we learned from Blanche that during an emergency, hoarding the foodstuffs and selling it back to people at a ridiculous markup is a great way to make cash.

Really, is there anything The Golden Girls can’t teach us?

Bitch Slap of Common Sense Trifecta!

We’re not sure what’s more sad… that these question askers went to a website to ask these questions or that they couldn’t figure out the answer for themselves. Presenting… more Bitch Slap of Common Sense!

Upon reading a Bitch Slap of Common Sense post, the question asker is directed to slap their forehead hard and examine why they do not have the sense the Good Lord gave them. Slap may be administered by a friend as well. We encourage that.

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
I have the following symptoms: 1.There are blisters and sores on left hand and elbow. 2.There are feeings of hot or warm sensations in my hand but it is normal to the touch. 3.I also suffer extreme pain and weakness in this hand. 4. In addition, I experience extreme temperature changes in this hand too. 5. Sometimes I do have chills.
Need Help

Dear Needs More Help Than They Know:
Call a doctor.

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
WHEN MY CAR IS IN IDOL OR IN PARK IT HAS DIED. IT HAS ONLY DONE THIS THREE TIMES AND NOT CONSECUTIVE. ANY IDEAS AS TO WHAT MIGHT BE THE PROBLEM?

Dear Your Car Actually Idles:
Call a mechanic.

Dear AskJohnQ.com:
If my father, a non-US resident wishes to gift me with money to pay off my mortgage, am I liable to pay taxes? Is there an allowance so I do not have to pay tax for the gift? Thanks!

Dear Audit Waiting to Happen:
Call an accountant.

PS: Anyone wanna guess what Contestant #1 has? Since he asked us? Lucy guesses... Scabies!

You're a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot.

Dear BHBs:
I work in an environment where a person with few skills but large ego has now schmoozed himself into a slightly elevated position over me. I want him to die. Other than actually committing murder, how can I ensure that he will leave me the hell alone? Forever?

Dear Workin’ 9 to 5:
It’s called “Skinny and Sweet”, my dear. Heh heh heh.

Oh wait! You don’t want him to die! Oh. Well that’s less interesting.

Lucy’s dad always says that everyone is promoted to one level past their competency, and it’s usually true. Most of these idiots make up for their lack of skill, interest, brains or wit by being boors. We’re sorry this has happened to you!

We could tell you something like just ignore him, keep doing a good job yourself, you can't control him but you can control how you react to him. Blah blah blah. None of that is fun.

Get something on him. Something provable. Something with a photo. Let him know you have this thing, but will not use it as long as he keeps you out of his douchebag scope. You must keep your own nose clean, however, because if he has pictures of you pilfering the office’s store of White-Out, then this technique will not work. Yes, we know it smells good... but buy your own!

Even Yoda Farts

Dear BHBs:
My boyfriend’s dog farts incessantly. It’s gross. He’s a sweet dog, but I can’t stand to spend any time at my boyfriend’s pad because of the stink. I try to encourage my boyfriend to spend more time at my place, or else take me OUT out, but when he wants some sexy time he inSTINKtively wants to drag me back to his cave. How do I keep my boyfriend happy, and keep my nostrils happy too?

Dear We Fart in Your General Direction!:
Wow. We sort of know nothing about dog farts, except that they can peel the paint off walls. But that’s what Al Gore’s internet is for!

Friendly internet strangers with no expertise whatsoever have suggested putting a dessert spoon sized dab of natural plain yogurt in each of his meals. This yogurt acts as a probiotic; yogurt with Lactobacillus Acidophilus is best. Probiotics are dietary supplements containing potentially beneficial bacteria or yeasts. There. Don’t we sound all science-y and stuff?

Seeing as it’s his dog, you have to get him to administer the anti-cut-cheese meds. Which means you get to play every girl’s fun game – make him think it was his idea so he thinks he’s brilliant. Because if you suggest it once, you’re a dog-hating nag. See, men think farts are funny, and they can be surely, sometimes. But they delight in cutting one under the covers and holding you under, for example. So, he will not be as concerned with the issue as you are. Maybe declaring that “fart house” doesn’t make you want to “play house” every time he wants to get busy will hammer the message home that he needs to do something about puppy.

Another suggestion: You could suddenly get a craving for nasty plain yogurt every time you are there, just happen to have some with you, and let doggie lick it off your spoon.

Lastly, other internet strangers suggest a lamb/ rice mix food is better for a sensitive dog tummy and can help control the gas flow. Buy Mr. Stinkerino a bag of this food as a gift because you looove him so much! This will not only help Farty McGhee, but boyfriend will give you mad props for the doggie love.

Really, only a vet can tell you why he farts so much, but the relatively benign ideas above might help without a trip to the vet.

We’ll end our flatulence-filled post with some fun facts on farts! When we googled “facts on farts” we actually found “Facts on Farts” (!) by Brenna Lorenz. Among them:

* Fart sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening!

* On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts!

And...

* The butt is the location of the anus in humans, and by definition, a fart is an anal escape of intestinal gas. We should be grateful that we are not crinoids. The crinoid is a marine creature with a U-shaped gut, and its anus is located next to its mouth.

So, gentle reader, be glad that you are not a crinoid! 'Cause that's nasty.

I Don't Know What Your Problem is... We Love Getting Set Up with Creepy Men Against Our Wills!

Dear BHBs:
How do I make people believe me when I tell them I’m not really looking for a guy? How's that for a question? I'm almost 30 years old, and due to an... interesting... childhood, I guess you could say I’m developmentally stunted. Or just a late bloomer. I didn't even start LOOKING at guys until high school, and even then I wasn't really interested. NOW... well, I guess I’m sort of interested in the idea of a relationship (or maybe it's just that a second income sounds REALLY GOOD), but not enough to put forth any effort. I'm not the sort of girl who's attracted to anyone based on their looks. He'd have to open his mouth AND he'd have to avoid saying anything obnoxious for at least the first few minutes.

Yet every single person that I speak to wants to "help me" get a guy. Or they "know this great guy". Or they point out every single flipping man I walk past in the grocery store. I have friends who run up to strange men and ask if they're single "for me". I don't care if they're single. I don't care about them at all. I just want to buy my groceries.

You know what I REALLY hate? When I tell people I don't date, they almost invariably ask if I’m a lesbian. Lesbians DATE, people, they just don't date MEN.

Is there a polite way to get everyone off my back?

Dear Awesome Lady:
Woot! You better preach sista! There are so many excellent points in your question, we’re kinda wondering why you even need us? You sound like a very together chick.

First of all, Late Bloomer sounds way better than Developmentally Stunted, so we’ll go with that. We were semi-late bloomers as well, with neither of us dating for real until college. You’re not alone! Our criteria in men has always included “don’t say stupid shit” too – as well as “don’t do stupid shit”. You don’t have to justify your method of dating or not – you are Queen of your world and you can rule it as you see fit!

But onto your question – how to stop the busy-bodies? We think you need a sit down with the parties in question. Address the situation in a friendly setting, and not when they are pushing some dumbass in your face. Tell them look, this is simply not cool anymore – I love you as my friends, but I do NOT want what you are selling. Tell them you really are a happy and contented person, but that you appreciate the fact that they want to help you. Their annoying busyness is really just a sign that they care, and it should be addressed as such. If they ultimately do not respect your wishes after this talk, then you have to evaluate whether you want these folks as friends (i.e. if this boorish behavior is a deal breaker in your relationship).

As for the lesbian question – we have a foolproof response to impertinent and douchbaggy questions. The next time someone asks you if you are a lesbian – ask them in turn, “Why do you ask?” Make them explain to you why they are prying into your personal life without invitation. Just stand there with a big smile on your face and be silent as they struggle to explain themselves, and then never answer their question. If they really persist, a nice “That’s none of your business” or a “Why, are you gay?” will suffice.

PS – You should start grocery shopping alone. Grocery shopping is annoying enough without the man-parade included!

A Flaming Bag of Poo Always Helps

Dear BHBs:
What is a nice way of letting two pain-in-the-ass volunteers go while minimizing the risk of backlash? (These are people who are overly critical and don't do much work themselves).

Dear In a Voluntizzy:
We had to tag team such a delicate question. Lucy and Ethel chime in – with help from a very special guest! *Drum Roll Please!* Meet Lucy’s Mom, our first and most loyal reader, when she remembers our URL. She has a particular talent for dealing with interesting volunteers….

Lucy: Well, Ladies! How do we tell two useless, bitchy people to screw off without saying screw off?

Ethel: A flaming bag of poo on their porches?

Lucy: Well, if they are this annoying, they might not know from whom the poo tolls!

Ethel: Indeed.

Lucy’s Mom: The problem with idiot volunteers is that they drive away good ones! All you have to do is look on the faces of the other people and you know.

Lucy: Excellent point, Mum!

Ethel: We can’t let them lose all their good peeps.

Lucy’s Mom: I say just start to cut their hours. Most volunteers have a certain schedule. Call them the day before they are to show up. Tell them that you have a great new volunteer (or two) who can only work at the exact time/ dates they usually do. You’re so sorry, but you must reschedule them. Over time, slowly cut their hours more and more until they leave you or you phase them out completely.

Ethel: Yes! And if they ever ask you about it – deny!

Lucy: Run away!

Ethel: Run away!

Lucy: My first thought was to begin giving them the most horrible jobs you can, isolating the two of them from everyone else.

Ethel: If you’re in an office environment, send them out for coffee or to run all your errands, have them spend an eternity filing or alphabetizing. Have them format boring financial spreadsheets ‘till they can’t see straight.

Lucy: If it’s some kind of people or animal volunteering thing, make them clean the bathrooms or the dumpster, or shovel shit all day! A couple of days of cat vomit will take the spring out of their step!

Ethel: That’s evil.

Lucy: Yes.

Ethel: That’s why I like it!

Lucy’s Mom: You two never change. You’re still like you were as teenagers, except now you have booze.

Lucy: And this is bad how?

Lucy’s Mom: It’s not bad. I like booze, too.

Lucy: Awwwww! I love bonding with Mom over liquor.

Lucy’s Mom: Getting back to the question, dips... you could use the two together – phase out their hours while at the same time filling their remaining time with the most vile tasks.

Ethel: Nice. Well, gentle reader, we hope this helps rid your wonderful organization of assholes.

Lucy: And that you didn’t mind our poopie-filled answer.

Ethel: I still like the flaming bag of poo answer.

Lucy: Why not do that, too?

Ethel: Yes - when you care enough to send the very best!